my back

A post isn't a post without a picture of Helena.  7/4/15 day after I hurt my back.  I look happy but I'm in pain.

Thankfully my injured back from 2 and half weeks ago seems like a thing of the past, but for documentation sake I want to remember the details.

It was Friday July 3^rd, I had the day off as the holiday for July 4^th.  I was super excited to go to Dance Jam in the morning!  The gym was overly crowded from the holiday (that’s what I think anyways) so I had to park even farther away (further than normal) from the entrance to the gym.  I had Helena with me and I didn’t want to carry her all the way to the daycare so I carried her into the gym in my Beco carrier (this was the first time I’ve done this).  

It was the last 10-15 minutes of class and we were doing my current favorite song: “Centuries” by Fall Out Boy.  This is one of the songs that I know all of the choreography to, so I always look forward to it and just jam out in my own little world since I don’t need to look at Sarah (the instructor) for the routine.  And since I know all of the moves to this song I jam out hard!  There is part of the song where you do a squat forward while head banging your head, and that’s when I felt it.  I immediately felt the pain and discomfort in my lower left back.  This was about half way through the song, and I somehow completed the song.  I tried to do the next song (another favorite: “Your lips are moving, your lips are moving…”) but I couldn’t.  I could barely bend down to pick up my water bottle, and when I tried to get my towel off of the floor I got tears in my eyes.  I walked out of class.  I was scared.  Who knows if it looked “off” but I felt like I was walking funny, and I had to take the stairs one by one to get down to the locker room and to get Helena.  It was a weird place to all of a sudden be injured and moving so slowly while all of these people are moving swiftly going along their day. 

Anyways I got to my locker and put on my carrier while thinking I was so thankful I brought it, as I know that had I not had my carrier with me I would not have been able to carry Helena all the way back to my car.  I go get Helena from the daycare and ask one of caregivers to hand her to me as I couldn’t bend down to get her, all while I’m fighting tears.  I very slowly walk to my car and basically throw Helena into her car seat, at which she started crying.  I felt so bad, so then I started crying.  I got her all buckled in and called Chris to advise him of my injury.  Upon my arrival home Helena was asleep so Chris came to get her and put her down, then Chris came back to the car to help me into the house.  He got some ice and I plopped onto the couch.  It hurt so bad.  Later that afternoon my in-laws arrived.  The pain was agonizing.  Chris had to help me do everything, and so it was also incredibly embarrassing.  The only things I really remember about being home that day is keeping my back iced and Chris having to help me go to the bathroom.  I think at some point I contacted a friend who is also a instructor at the gym and also a physical therapist, seeking her opinion on my back. 

The next day was the 4^th of July.  After a painful night’s sleep (I did get some sleep) I woke up with the brilliant idea to take a cold shower and that the cold water pounding on my back would be good.  I had previously heard Chris get up and assumed he would be in the house if I needed to yell at him for help.  I screamed myself into the shower and once I got in and realized I couldn’t lift my hands to do my hair I knew I had made a mistake.  I seriously couldn’t take my hands off of my hips.  So I stumbled out of the shower, somehow got a towel around me and fell to the floor while I screamed and screamed for Chris.  When I succumbed to the fact that the house was empty I did the next logical thing: cry.  Chris finally came into the bedroom to see what I assumed look like a big dead whale on the floor.  I can’t remember how exactly I got up off of the floor but we eventually solved the puzzle and got me to my feet.  I knew I wanted to get out of the house for the holiday so that afternoon we made our way to the 4^th of July festivities.  This was the day I found that getting up and moving was much better than sitting.  

The next day was when we went to the pool.  This is where I took advantage of being “weightless” and tried to stretch out my back as much as possible.  On Monday 7/6 I booked a morning appointment with Lori and she advised me I strained my back in three different spots.  She showed me some stretches to help increase my mobility and advised me that I will get better.  Going into work was horrible.  I felt like I was walking like a stick was up my a$$ and to the side.  One co-worker looked at me and said “You look crooked.”  On Thursday I even went and got a 90 minute massage hoping that would help, but it didn't really.  By Friday 7/10 morning I was over it.  Who knows if something did get worse or it was just living with this chronic pain, but Friday morning I couldn’t get comfortable.  Every position I would try and sit in was uncomfortable so I kept adjusting and out of frustration and pain I just kept crying.  I thankfully had Friday off since my parents were in town.  I called my doctor’s office and got an appointment for that afternoon.  The doctor again advised me I would feel normal again and he advised giving me a shot.  I do not like needles.  The last time I got my blood drawn I passed out.  So I opted for the shot to me administer in the butt….and wow am I glad I did.  It took some convincing from the doctor to get this shot, and I’m glad I finally said “I guess.”  This shot seriously took away all of my pain!  I was able to get down on the floor and fully do all of the stretched that Lori told me about and I was able to feel “normal” again!  

Since then things have all been up hill.  I’ve had some discomfort but the past two days I’ve been essentially pain free!  I haven’t worked out yet but I’m super anxious to get back into the gym!

I gotta give a special shout out to my hot husband who was there for all my “fits” and emotional outbursts!  And for truly seeing me at my worse, and for massaging my back for a week straight!  Thank you for taking care of me, I love you.

This injury brought me a glimpse of what it could be like to live with chronic pain, I honestly don’t know how people do it.  It even hurt to sneeze or cough (the closest thing I can describe it to is the pain you experience when you have a c-section and it hurts to laugh/sneeze/cough, this was the same type of pain but in your back).  This injury as given me new motivation to get all of this extra weight off.  To be healthy and to not take my moving pain-free body for granted.    

week 3: the unexpected

Fireworks from the Rockies game 6/29/12

We're pretty cute @ the Rockies game


I had a super rough week. It was that TMI and my craving for chocolate took over. A co-worker has a not so secret stash of Mini Reese Peanut Butter cups, and well I made a visit Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of last week! Plus I went to a happy hour on Thursday and a Rockies game on Friday. Once Saturday came I was 100% expecting to see a gain, and be completely frustrated with myself. But somehow the unexpected happened. I lost a pound! 182. Who knows how that happened?!, but I’ll take it. Not where I wanted to be at the end of June, but I’m focused and reenergized. 6 pounds lost about 20 more to go and 13 weeks until I get married. Totally doable. Although this coming week will be another challenging one. My mother arrives on Wednesday for some more wedding festivities and planning. We’ll be out of the house a lot, but I hope with some prep work and planning her visit won’t steer me too badly off course.


Our weekend in general was a low key one. Friday night we did go to the Rockies game. Our first of the season. Got to see some fireworks after the game, which was nice. This is our first 4th of July together since I was in RI last year. And it’s great to spend this holiday with my future husband.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym, did some cardio and weights for my back and triceps. My back and arms are definitely focus areas in which I want to tone up for the wedding, and I was sore yesterday and am sore today! It’s a good kind-of pain! We spent the rest of Saturday morning and early afternoon cleaning house. Later that day my friend Sarah and her family came over to go hang out at the pool. Totally wish I would have taken pictures of these cute kids! Ian just turned 2, and Chloe will be 4 in August. We had a great time swimming around and playing.

After the time in the sun we came back home for Chris to grill up some hamburgers and hotdogs. Sarah brought these super good zucchini fries and a fruit salad along with leftover birthday cake, and we had ourselves a pretty yummy meal. It was great to have a family over.

Sunday morning we went to church then came home and worked on our July Wedding To-Do list. Did laundry and grocery shopping.

Happy July!

week 2: no cheating

 Chris and I at Boulder Falls
 You know when you are watching some sporting event and the winner is “best out of 7 games”. It’s game 3 and team A is up 2-0, and all of a sudden team B makes a comeback. I’m pretty sure it’s because team A gets cocky. They think “oh, we’ve got this.” They get a case of “big head syndrome”. The effort and focus wasn’t there like it was in games 1 and 2. Now obviously this is just my theory. But you see instances when the underdog comes and takes the win out of no-where. And usually that’s because it’s the underdog that’s more consistent and more focused. They know they are the underdog and only have a fair chance of winning, so they work that much harder to achieve victory.


I unfortunately got cocky. After my week 0 results, I thought “I got this.” “I can do this.” And now week 1 and 2 have kicked me back to where I belong. I’ve gotten the reminder that this is hard, that this plan has no wiggle room. That I am on a pretty tight schedule.

We’ve been busy the past couple of weeks. My food hasn’t gone to complete crap, but I’ve had slip-ups. Last Saturday 6/16 I met my friend/co-worker Cathy for a run at City Park. Because of that I didn’t make it to the gym for a weigh-in. I did go to the gym this past Saturday though, and stepped on the scale. 183. No gain no loss. I was really hoping to get back in the 170’s. But no luck. It was the kick I need to re-focus and keep up with the consistency of this diet.

The weekend was a hot one. Literally. We were in the triple digits Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And the forecast shows triple digit heat set for today and tomorrow. So to help cool off we went up to Nederland, CO (about 20 miles west of Boulder) on Saturday to go for a hike. The “cool off” was only in the high 80’s, but it was nice with the sometimes breeze that we got.

The summer is definitely in full swing and I know the season is going to fly by! Time to kick the weight loss into high gear!

Hiking Lost Lake Trail (unfortunately we never found the lake)

week 0: going back to what I know

I don’t know about you, but I know that I’ve been wondering what the heck has been going on with my weight loss. I can’t speak for you, but I surely can speak for me when I say I’ve been asking myself “What am I doing?” “I need a good kick in the a$$ because I’m getting married in FOUR months!” “Am I going to lose this weight?” “Will my dress not fit? Will I not be the beautiful bride, that I really really want to be?!”


All of these questions have been floating around in my head for awhile now. Especially as I see the number on the scale stay the same. But once we crossed into that four month mark I knew I had to get serious. Weight Watchers didn’t work for me, although honestly I don’t know if I can say that with a whole lot of credit. I really only did it for two weeks. I had given myself the impression that losing weight was easy. That I lost 90 pounds before, sure I can lose some 20 pounds more and have it be easy?! ***NEW FLASH*** losing weight is NOT easy! That first pound of 90 wasn’t easy, and the 89th pound wasn’t easy. None of it is easy. I felt mentally ready, but Weight Watchers isn’t restrictive enough. Is that weird to say? I suppose when I think back to my Slimgenic days of two years ago I had a specific list of foods I could eat. Everything else, was off limits. On Weight Watchers you can eat whatever you want, and well I let that be my excuse to eat whatever I wanted, and to not really change my habits. Hence, seeing no results. Feeling defeated, and giving up.

So last Monday I kicked myself into high gear. I’ve put myself back on Slimgenics. I’m not paying for it, but rather using Chris as my support and counselor. I don’t need Slimgenics to ask them “Why can’t have this, or that?” Rather, I just need support, someone I can talk to. Voice my victories and hard days too. I don’t need to pay for it again. I know the plan, I know the food, I know that it works. I also know that it works quick, and that I need results fast. Last weekend was emotional. Letting Chris know that this was my plain, was admitting my failure all previous weeks, and when I committed to give Weight Watchers a go. It also brought myself into the reality of remembering and preparing how hard this is going to be. I went back and read majority of my posts from this plan from two years ago, and I had forgotten how much of this journey is emotional. Not just physical. Two years ago when I signed up for this plan I knew it would be hard, I had no idea HOW hard. And now I’m signing myself up for this hardship all over again?! It was hard and emotional, but I’m doing it again, and I know it'll be worth it!

In all of my Slimgenics material I couldn’t find the full details of the prep phase. Which is the first three days to basically cleanse yourself and get your body ready for some fat removal! So I did a Google search of “Slimgenics 3 day prep phase” which got me the information that I needed. The search itself mainly brought me to blogs. And I hate to say it but unsuccessful blogs. Goes to show how hard this plan is. I’ve seen so many people start weight loss blogs, and document feelings and pounds loss for the first couple weeks or months, and then…nothing. Proof, that yet again, this isn’t easy!!! …Just an interesting observation.

Anyways, I started my prep phase last Monday 6/4. The prep phase is 3 days of UNLIMITED raw green vegetables (no peas), UNLIMITED protein (skin on is ok!), 2 eggs in the morning (prepared how you like, but not cooked in oil or butter), a half an orange in the morning, and the remaining half in the afternoon/evening. That’s it. My raw green veggies of choice are green pepper and cucumber. By day two I was sick of green pepper and cucumber. My proteins were cooked up ground turkey, steak, hamburger meat, and a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store. The chicken is a treat, because you get to have the skin, which you don’t get to have once your done with the first three days. Once Thursday was here I was super ready for my some oatmeal (that counts as one snack) and some bread! I knew from my experience before that the weekends would be my struggle. And that’s still true. I was right on point Thursday and Friday, and we did go out for some sushi Saturday night, but I definitely was cautious of my portions, and I think I did pretty good.

So I bet your curious as to how I did? Like last time, I plan to have my official weekly weight-in’s be documented on Saturday’s. I always workout on Saturdays and if anything this gives me an excuse to go to the gym. I didn’t go to the gym last Saturday 6/2 to get my official “before” weight because the weather was so nice, I just wanted to go for a run outdoors. I pulled out my at home scale but the battery is dead…which is better, because one thing I don’t want compared to last time, is being obsessed with the scale. I want to keep my weight-in’s to once a week on Saturday’s using the scale at the gym. My guess is that I was around 188 – 190. I had high hopes for a 7 pound drop as that was what I lost during my first week last time, but I was pleasantly surprised and happy with the 182 that appeared on the scale! I’m calling that a 5 pound loss! I’m super pleased, and feel focused and motivated to keep moving. While reading all of my past posts, I learned that I lost 23 pounds in the first 9 weeks. And that’s my goal. That’ll put me right at 165 at the beginning of August, which is when I need to start alterations on my dress. The other big goal I’ll reach with that number is 100 pounds lost! I hope to get to 175 by the end of this month, which is where I was a year ago. The big end goal is be 155 by 10/5! These are obviously pretty big goals, but it’s crunch time. I’m getting married in little more than 16 weeks and I want to be a beautiful bride darn-it!!

Right On Time

I was really frustrated on Saturday. I had a horribly negative post composing in my head. About how difficult it is to lose weight. And how frustrating it is to work all week long to see no result on the scale. It wasn’t pretty. Then yesterday I went to church. And things changed.
I realize I seldom speak of church and religion on my blog. And honestly, that’s because I haven’t really had much to say. It’s interesting going to church, because a lot of times my church speaks of hard times. Finding God and your spiritual journey during difficult times, when you may not be believing, or find it hard to in the very least. And well, right now I’m my life I can’t really relate to that. Do you have things I’m dealing with?, absolutely. But for the most part my life is good. I’m in love, engaged, planning a wedding. I have a job that pays me every other week, gives me paid time off, decent benefits. I have friends and family that I cherish. All in all, life is good. No major complaints.
Well during yesterday’s message the pastor was talking about timing. Which got me thinking. How it seems we ask for God when we need him most, and how He truly shows up Right on Time. Of course there are times we want Him there. But I think for the most part we want Him there on our timeline. God doesn’t work on our timeline, He works on HIS timeline. He knows when we need something. We don’t. We might think that we do. For the most part timing isn’t perfect. There are definitely some things I wish I had in order before meeting Chris. Can I change that? Or would I want to change that? No! I truly believe that we were meant to meet when we did. The pieces fall into place how they should, under the control of my own Higher Power.
For the most part things don’t happen when we want them. When they do, we feel really really lucky! I could wish and wish that I would have met Chris sooner. Gotten married earlier. But that didn’t happen. As much as I like to think I’m working on my time, I’m not.
I hate how consuming it can be. We’re not even married, and lately all it seems like I can think about are kids. Chris wants kids sooner rather than later. I, want to be married. Enjoy our time as a couple. I like to think I’ve come up with a happy medium as to when we’ll actually start trying. I’m already having conversations in my head of “well if we get pregnant this month, we’ll have the baby this month.” I literally have to remind myself to breath. I have to remind myself it isn’t up to me. Ok, so yes, some of it is up to Chris and I. But, in regards to the actual “when” it’ll happen, not necessarily up to us.
Who knows what my point is to this post is. All of a sudden I have no idea what it is that I’m writing about. I suppose my point is that, it isn’t up to us. I can try all week to watch what I eat and hope to see a smaller number on the scale. But that didn’t happen. Does that mean I give up? No. That means I keep on pushing, and hope to see the change happen when it’s meant to, because I know that it will.

being the fat kid

Overall I had a pretty active weekend. I got outside did some workouts. It felt good. Sad to say but I can’t remember the last time I was active and worked out on both a Saturday and a Sunday.

My main motivation for going to the gym Saturday morning was to weight myself. I was good with Weight Watchers all week long (tracked my food Monday through Saturday) and wanted to see if I had any results to input on my actual weight loss. I’m down to 188. Not good. But not bad, as it is a loss. I’ve lost 3 pounds. And am slowly becoming more strict with myself and the food that goes in my mouth.

Friday night Chris and I ate out on the patio, and he asked if I wanted a drink. I said no. He asked why, and I let him know I didn’t want to drink the calories. He then asked “So does this mean no more wine?” I said “Yes, for a while. But that just because I’m not drinking it doesn’t mean you can’t.” He stated “But if I want a drink of wine, it’s because I want to share wine with you.” Drinking is such a social thing. And even though I don’t want this diet to affect him, I can’t help that it will. He’s stated that there is nothing wrong with him being healthy too, but he isn’t over weight. Has never been over weight, and in general has never really been around overweight people. This is where Chris and I differ. He can’t sympathize with where I’ve been, or where I am currently. And I don’t expect him to. It’s just different.

Anyways after a short 35 minute jog/walk on the treadmill Saturday morning, Chris and I drove to Boulder to go on a hike. I’m happy to know that even though I can’t get Chris in the gym, I can get him outdoors and on a hike (plus a couple of walks around the neighborhood we’ve been on recently). I’ve always wanted to check out Chautauqua Park. So that’s where we went. This is a very popular place! Lots of people hiking around, including toddlers and seniors (easily 60+). Seeing such a broad range of hikers, helped in my confidence and got me thinking “if they can do it, I certainly can too”). The park itself offers lots of trails which cover every level of difficulty. We initially started off on the basic Chautauqua trail which has a pretty big jump in incline and definitely got me breathing heavy. Once we got to the second break-off point we decided to make our decent. The trail we didn’t take is the Royal Arch Trail. I’ve heard of this trail on numerous times, and this a summertime goal for Chris and I. I’ve heard it’s definitely more strenuous to get to, but that the view is well worth the trek. I’m anxious to give this hike a go later in the summer. Round trip our hike was only an hour, but it was fun with Chris, and brought back some uncomfortable childhood memories.

I’m really not comfortable with any sort of physical activity. Growing up as a fat kid, whenever physical activity was brought up or PE at school, I immediately would get nervous and anxious. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of blocking it out but I know I was teased mercifully as a kid. Especially during recess and PE, when being active is the main activity.

Once on a field trip in elementary school we went on a hike. The whole time I was so nervous. And so slow. Scared to fall, scared of being noticed. On this specific field trip my mom was with me (which was a rare occasion) and we were at the end of the hike, going down the mountain. Everyone was ahead of me, and I was (of course) last. As I was trying to catch up with everybody, I fell. Hard. Got the wind knocked out of me. I lost my breath completely, was facing up at the blue sky, and scared out of my mind. My mom came to my rescue, and an old truck came and picked us up. Take my fear of physical activity and add getting the wind knocked out of me, and I pretty much fear going down a mountain, even to this day.

So while on our way down on this hike Saturday morning, Chris is giving me a hard time about going so slow. When I tell him the above story. Which gets me thinking about this fear that I have. And that it hasn’t gone away and that it probably never will. That even though I’m active now (although not as active as I was prior to meeting Chris) that I’m still pretty active. But how with every race that I’ve done I’m always so nervous. I’m scared I’m going to be last, that I’m going to fall, I’ll hurt myself.

I think that this fear will always be with me. In general I do feel comfortable in the gym. I don’t mind being up front in the group fitness classes that I take. I’m most comfortable on the elliptical just because that machine as always been my go-to piece of equipment regardless of what shape I’m in. And the machine that I was comfortable on when I was 250+ pounds. I’m still not super comfortable on the treadmill, or with most of the weights.

I think for the most part my fear comes with the outdoors. I hate the elements. Too hot, too windy, too cold. The bugs, the dirt, other people around me and observing me.

Is this weird? I suppose so. But growing up the fat kid, this is the complex I know have as a adult, trying to get rid of this person.

I remember 4 years ago (July 2008) I was home attending my 10 year high school reunion. One night I went to dinner with a group of girls, then we all hung out at somebody’s house. I was the fattest person there (an observation I still make to this day), which to be honest was easily done, because this was the time I was around the heaviest I had ever been. And during one of the conversations one of the girls makes a comment by saying “I wasn’t fat in high school. I don’t know why I was so focused on being skinny, because I was skinny.” It was a statement something to that effect, I’m sure you get my point. And immediately all of the other girls agreed. And in my head I was thinking “I have NO idea what these girls are talking.” I was fat in high school and I’m fatter now. The other strong thought in my head was “I’m never going to know what that feels like.”

I guess my point in all of this, is how me being the fat kid is still with me. And is something that not a lot of people can relate to. A lot of people are working to be their “high school skinny” when even though I’m currently still 12 pounds away from my lowest weight, I’m still smaller now that what I was in high school.

rachel, alisha, michelle, angela, melissa, and i

This really struck me while I was on my hike with Chris, and trying to explain to him why I’m moving so slow. All along while chanting in my head "At least I'm going faster than the person sitting on the couch."

A New Habit

Old habits are hard to break. Creating a new habit, this is even harder. Getting into the grove of Weight Watchers hasn’t been easy. But then again I haven’t made it priority. Even worse, is that I haven’t told Chris that I joined. I did speak to him about joining some plan, doing something. And he encouraged me and told me that he would be supportive. Well, how can he help when he doesn’t know that I’m on a plan and that I need his help to hold me accountable? Not that I expect him to babysit me with every bite of food I put in my mouth, but I am around him during most of my meals, and well the afternoon/evenings are the most difficult. Part of my point is, had he known that I joined WW 2 weeks ago, he wouldn’t have suggested going to get ice cream last night, and I most definitely would have said no. That’s what I like to think anyways. That even though I’ve felt ready to begin the last part of my weight loss journey, I wasn’t ready to accept Chris’ help in it. I suppose part of it is in my head. Ok, maybe all of it. That I’ve done all of this by myself. Without having to really depend on anyone. That’s what makes this round so different.

So this my attempt to get back on track. I’ve always wanted to take pictures of what I eat and show you guys. So this is what I’m doing. Here is what I ate today, and the points associated with that. I figure if anything this will help hold me accountable and give you yet another peak into my world.

Now for the points. I have yet to actually use Weight Watchers to track a whole week. Now they make it easy enough to find and track the food that you eat, they even have an app that I downloaded on my phone. So truly I have no excuses to not take advantage of this. Anyways, right now my I have 30 points to get me through the day. I also have a PointsPlus budget of 49 that lasts me all week. I think I need to figure out what this is, because to be honest as of right now I have no idea what that gets me or how to use it.

For breakfast I had Quaker Instant Oatmeal, Raisin, Date, and Walnut. 4 points.

1 cup carrots. 0 points

2 cups strawberries. 0 points

½ a kiwi. 0 points.

Right off the bat, the great thing about Weight Watchers, fruit and veggies don’t add to your daily point value. I know that I need to be careful of the fruits, as some fruits contain a lot of sugar. But I like the idea that if you are hungry, you don’t have to sit and starve yourself. You can eat something colorful and nutritious!

My morning meal is also when I take my pills. My daily vitamin and fish oil.

My mid-morning “snack” is a cup of coffee. Fancy coffee. It’s regular coffee stirred in with Maxwell House International Latte in Vanilla Caramel and non-fat Hazelnut creamer. And oh my goodness it is good. I look forward to this snack every morning. I’m really not a big coffee drinker, but this helps me feel like I’m having a little treat. I just used the last of the creamer this morning, so for the rest of the week I’ll just be using the Vanilla Caramel Latte stuff with hot water. Once that is gone I plan to transition to hot tea, as that has no points.

Coffee with cream and sugar. 4 points.

I learned early on you don’t want to drink your calories…or in this instance points. Which for me isn’t really an issue. I can easily go from coffee to tea, but the other issue I know I’m gonna have is with alcohol. Now by no means do I drink a lot. And neither does Chris. But do we enjoy a glass of wine or some other alcoholic beverage on occasion? Yes. I would say on average we’ll have a drink about once or twice a week. For the next few months eliminating alcohol will be hard. It’s a social thing. But I know it has to be done.

Next is lunch. I like to eat between 1 and 1:30pm…for me the later the better, because the afternoons are hard for me. Once I eat lunch I feel like I could just keep on eating. And that’s when my bad snacking usually happens. Monday lunches are usually the same for me. Salad from the grocery store. We do our grocery shopping on Sunday’s. So I grab a nice salad to have for lunch on Monday. Today’s pick is a “Dried Stone Fruit Salad with chicken”. A mix of green leaf lettuce and baby greens, grilled chicken, dried fruit, red onion, red grapes, walnuts, feta cheese, with a pomegranate blueberry vinaigrette. Mixed in are also some carrots, and a couple of cut up strawberries that were on my plate this morning.

Salad. 6 points (what really got me on this salad were the walnuts and feta cheese).

By the time I finish my salad I am starving. This is usually what happens when I eat lunch. And I hate it. I’m more hungry after lunch than before I even started. I seriously feel I could eat forever and not get full. I don’t know why this is, but that’s just how I feel. After my meal I want dessert. I usually bring some snack or protein bar, but today I forgot! Ugh. To help me through I chew on a piece of gum. Gum is the perfect “trick” to get your mind thinking it is eating something, plus no points!
Thankfully my afternoon passed with meetings, so I was distracted with that, instead of just sitting at my desk thinking about my hunger. I didn't take a picture of it, but shortly before I left work I ate an apple.

Afternoon snack: apple. 0 points.

Once I got home I had my delayed dessert.

A chewy granola bar: 3 points.
For dinner I made a spicy sausage pasta, in a cream sauce with mushrooms, with a side of green beans.

This used the rest of my points for the day.
Dinner: 13 points.
Another speaking point I want to make is water. I’ve never had difficulty drinking enough water. I can’t remember when I started this habit, but truly the majority of what I drink is water. I have my handy dandy Camelbak water bottle right at my desk (I keep one at home too, for my workouts) and fill that about 3 times a day. It holds a little more than 24 ounces. So before I even leave work I’ve had around 72 ounces of water. (Yes, I go to the bathroom a LOT!)
So that is today in a very long nutshell! Obviously lots of information. That's going to be used primarily for me. I've had the idea of taking pictures of what I eat for awhile now, and I gotta say it makes you think. Well it makes me think. About what I'm putting in my mouth AND how much. I didn't want to up-load 20 pictures of a ton of food. I'm proud that for the most my meals were colorful.
I hope that this will help me throughout the rest of the week, and tracking my food. I had hoped to get in a workout today to get "activity points" but that didn't happen, and am going to go for later in the week. Plus I need to figure out how exactly the activity points work.

Things are in full force. And I hope to be successful.

Starting all Over

So remember back in January 2009 when I decided to do this little thing called "I'm gonna blog for every time I workout"? Remember how in 2009 I created a good habit, I lost 40 pounds? Remember how in 2010 I was disgruntled with my poor weight loss results, and decided to step it up even more and joined Slimgenics, I lost 50 pounds? Remember how in 2011 I kept saying over and over I had 25 - 30 more pounds I still wanted to lose? Remember how through all of this I was creating a happy life for myself, but was still yearning for that love? Remember how just last week I mentioned I had a new action plan?
As I try and collapse the past 3 years in few sentences I feel overall very accomplished. Out of all of those questions asked, I've been successful at all but one. Not too bad.
Right now I'm channeling that person from 3 years ago. Wanting to create a change and needing to establish a pattern.
Although I'm not quite the person I was 3 years ago. I'm trying to find the same inspiration and motivation from that time...specifically 2010.
I've put a lot of thought into how exactly I'm going to re-start this weight loss journey. I even considered going back to Slimgenics. I obviously know the program, and more importantly I know that it works. I couldn't sleep last Sunday night just thinking about it. So last Monday I went back to the office, and was immediately turned off by the staff. They have all new employee's, none of which I got a good vibe off of. My main point of this appointment was two things. 1. to see how much it would be, and 2. to get back on the scale and see how much I weight.
Since I hit my low of 174 (from my sickness) in January 2011, I'm up. Which I knew. My clothes fit me tighter and my face looks fuller. I just didn't know by how much. I currently weight 191. UGH! Is my first reaction to that number. Could be worse? Absolutely. But I wish I was still at 175. My goal for the wedding is 150-155. So a 35 - 40 pound loss. I can do it.
I did cardio both Saturday and today. And can I just tell you how good I feel? How great it is going to the gym and seeing people that I know? I love it! And how great it is that now I can come from a good workout and see my loving husband to be. He's extremely supportive of me and is encouraging me. Honestly, I wish he would join the gym and join me in my workouts. But I unfortunately don't see that happening. However, I do appreciate his positive outlook and him being there for me.
I'm starting over in this life that I now have. Which is a different life. And I feel that I can incorporate what I've learned over the past couple of years into my new life. I know it'll be hard and that I'll have my struggles, because I know those two aspects surely haven't changed from my past experiences! But I know it'll be worth it, and that I can be the beautiful bride and wife that I know I can be.

I have a blog

I've become that person. The person who has a blog but doesn't write in it! I've become my own worse nightmare. Am I being a little bit dramatic?, yes. But still, I never really thought I would be the person who would go to writing 5x's a week, to once a week (if that). Sorta like working out. I never thought that after having the habit of going to the gym 20x's in a month for two straight years, I would be the person to only go once a week (if that).
It's obvious that my life is changing, has dramatically changed. But does that mean I should let two things that I enjoyed doing in the past, be reflective of my present, and almost take notice in my future? For me, the honest answer is, no. Will some things take a shift in priority?, absolutely. I miss my workout's, and I miss my blog. I know that I won't be able to go to what I used to do: blog 5 nights a week, and workout 5 times a week. This isn't realistic. I have a new life, and I need to bring these two loves into this new life with the right amount of balance.
A new month is coming. Spring is coming, the time change is coming. Warmer weather is coming! I can not even tell you my excitement about this.
I have a plan, and have had a specific plan for awhile now. March will be the month of actual execution.
Chris and I have been living together for 7 months now. Things are great, we're getting married in another 7 months...wow doesn't 7 months ago seem like a lifetime ago?, but that the next 7 months are just going to fly by?! Crazy.
Anyways. I have some serious goals that I need to accomplish. When I ordered my wedding dress at the end of January, I was sized between a 16/18 (keep in mind wedding dresses run small), I ordered a size 14. The dress is due to arrive at the end of May/beginning of June. Which leaves me March/April/May to get down to that size 14. Once the dress arrives in the store I have 15 days to go in, try it on (make sure it is the right dress), and pay off the remaining balance. I want my dress to fit me when that happens. The actual alterations of the dress don't need to happen until end of July/beginning of August. ...which at that time, I'm hoping to be even smaller.
This is my first step of change. Admitting that I need to ...have to lose weight. Putting it out on my blog for the world to see, to hold me accountable. It's ridiculous really, because just about every time I go to eat something I have mantra go off in my head "wedding dress, wedding dress, wedding dress..." Unfortunately that mantra running in my mind has yet to be completely effective, but I can confidently say that I'm mentally ready. Ready to get back on the horse and finish what I started three years ago, and truly reach my goal of an ending weight of 150/155. I still have dreams of saying "I've lost 110/115 pounds". For my own mental well-being I need to complete what I've started, and finish what I set out to do so long ago. I need to be able to say that I did what I said I was going to do. Actions speak louder than words, and it is time to take action.
I have a blog and I'm going to use it!

remember this?

i think one of the best things about having this blog and just documenting things in general is the ability to go back. go back and remember those feelings, that time, the emotions you felt. you get to reflect and realize that somethings are bigger than other and some are not as significant as what you had hoped.
i go back and look a lot. whether it be in the blog, pictures, my journals. going back and looking at the things i've documented as given me the ability to remember things. dates and events. it's a talent that i take pride in.
a couple of months ago i bought this dress. and then i found this post talking about this dress. when i got the dress i got a size Large. it seemed a little too big, so i ordered the Medium, but kept the Large in case the Medium didn't work, and plus i felt that surely a medium sized dress from Victoria's Secret can't fit me?!

i'm sure i've mentioned this before but from may 1999 to june 2002 i worked on the phones at Victoria's Secret catalogue. for the most part i loved this job. i got paid well, and was basically paid to shop as a "fashion consultant". VS comes out with on average one new catalogue a week. i loved looking through the catalogue's. seriously, loved. it was (and still is) a habit to immediately look through the pages and find all of the items that came in a size "XL" because that was the only size that would fit. i still have this habit, but i'm slowly learning i can wear anything and everything in the catalogue now.
when this dress first made an appearance in the catalogue i was immediately excited because it came in a XL. but i knew that then even an XL wouldn't have fit me.
well here i am this past weekend with C at a wedding wearing that dress in a size medium! nope, not an eXtra-Large or even a Large...but a Medium!!! and you know what?!, i love it. it looks super cute, and is comfortable.
majority of the time when i shop i'll grab a medium and a large. and i'm always so surprised that majority of the time it is the medium that looks better, and it is the medium that fits. never did i ever think i would be a medium, and i'm not even where i want to be. i know that it feels good, but at the same time i'm still not seeing it. to me i'll always be the person looking at the back of the rack looking for the largest size. that person will always be part of me.

barbell strength 60min

a force of nature?

I recently had a conversation with someone new in my life. We were talking about some of the hardest things we’ve had to do in our lives. With this subject I honestly feel blessed, because I haven’t really had all that horrible things happen to me for me to work through in my life. I’ve dealt with depression twice in my life and had one true horrible heartbreak. But really that’s it. And really those things aren’t that bad, compared to what some people have to go through and get through. I do have other struggles in my life, but those are things I deal with everyday, things that will always be a work in progress throughout the rest of my life. And I’m ok with that. I think part of dealing with life’s struggles is knowing that some just won’t ever go away. That they are there to be part of your life, not just to get through. Does that make sense?

Anyways, while my mother was here I was telling her about this conversation, and I had a moment of clarity. I realized that the path of my life back in 2007 and 2008 wasn’t a good one. Now granted I’ve always known this but I realized that it was me who put a stop to it. I found myself walking in a maze with only one way out. Only one road to one very destructive ending. My road lead to an unhappy, obese, depressed, lonely, fat lady. That’s what I was on many levels during that time, and the road carved ahead me solidified that. That was what I had made of my life since 2006. Growing more depressed and more overweight. Having no real direction except for the one in front of me. Why try and change, when this was so clearly my future? Why go against what seems to be so natural? But somewhere along the road in front of me, I decided to carve a different path. Make my own way other than the one in front of me. I literally beat down the walls around me in my life to make a change. To have my road lead to a different ending. Become a different person, create a different road. Everything in me was going against what I was doing…I was changing what was “suppose” to happen. Not only did I change where my road was to lead me, but I also gained everything in between. I kept digging until I was so far away from that road that there would never be an option of going back. Never. To this day I am still digging, and I know that I always will be...digging, fighting, working, for a better me.

Making my own way has easily been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Changing the entire course of my life hasn’t been an easy thing to do. But realizing that where my life goes is up to me has been a huge power. At the time I didn’t realize it, and it saddens me that for so long I was ok with the road I was on of being a unhappy, obese, depressed, lonely, fat lady. But it is amazing to me that I can tell my story to someone new and that person can recognize the hard work it takes to make a decision to change your life so fully. Because this person too has changed their life.

We make decisions every single day. Most decisions are small, but some are big, and stand out for the rest of our life. Most decisions are also somewhat easy to make, because we know what we want. Granted my decision to lose weight was an easy one to make, but to actually do it. That’s completely different, especially when I’m going against what was “suppose” to happen. Doing the opposite of what nature had intended. It's not easy, but I am proof that it can be done.

treadmill 15min/barbell strength 60min

finally a new number!

talk about perfect timing. i needed some happy news in the world of april and yesterday i got just that! i stepped on the scale to new all time low! 174! you got that?! finally...it only took me 7 months to lose one pound!!! now of course when i state it like that, i feel like crap. so rather than focus on the negative, i'm going to focus on the fact that i'm a new number! a number i have never been.
i recently came to the conclusion that it is so much easier to lose weight in the summer month's. you eat lighter, you eat better, you are more active. plus if you are me, you are dating. and c'mon while i'm on a date, very rarely do i clean my plate. so i have better portion control.
now i just need to keep on going. so many people have told me i have lost weight, when truly i haven't. my mom told me that i do look smaller compared to when i was home for christmas. i like to think it is because i'm getting more tone, but who knows.
so for right now, i like this path that i am on. now i need to keep looking for those smaller numbers, because i know that they are out there. i just need to find them!

treadmill 45min
elliptical 20min

define this...?

My friend April recently shared this blog post with me, and it got me thinking. I realize that we all have different fitness goals, things that we want to achieve, and ways that we want to look. In my opinion a lot of that is formed by what you were at your starting point. For example the woman in this blog, Jen. Her heaviest weight was 170. I have no idea how tall she is, but to think that her “fat” was 170 and my current “thin” is 175…well thinking about that can truly mess with your head, if you let it. I’m trying to not let it mess with me. I look at her “before” pictures and to me she looks fine, then looking at her “after” pictures I personally think she is too thin. Then I think about me, and I know that I’ll never ever look like that, mainly because I don’t want to look like that. Now don’t get me wrong, all of us are very different, and I commend Jen for finding her healthy and what’s important is that she is happy with herself, which I think is what we are all striving for on some level. But I think if she looks at herself as being “ugly” at 170, what in the world would she imagine if she saw me?! Now or even at my heaviest. But don’t judge a book by its cover. I know how hard I work, and most of you (my readers) know how hard I work as well. Do I consider myself “ugly” at 175? No. Do I still have some weight to lose? Yes. We are all different.

Last week before going into my barbell strength class I ran/jogged on the treadmill for 14 minutes. Lots of time while I’m on a stationary machine with nothing to occupy myself but my own thoughts I think about my insides. That although I’m still considered an “overweight” person, I still consider myself a healthy person. I do believe that you can be both at the same time. I tell myself that not every 175 pound person can run for 14 minutes or a 150 person for that matter. But because I go to the gym 5 days a week the insides of my body are just as healthy (if sometimes not healthier) than a person at 150 pounds or less even. I had a moment when I got off the treadmill last week. I made eye contact with this guy (rather cute, I might add) and the look on his face was one of “Wow did that woman just run on the treadmill?” Almost like WOW someone that size can move at that pace for that length of time? Now I’m sure I’m making this out to be a lot more than what he was, because he probably thought nothing of it, but rather these are my thoughts. I was thinking “did I really just do that?!” A lot of the time I still doubt myself and my abilities of what I can and cannot do. I suppose that is what my friends are for!

In the post Jen also writes about being ashamed. She writes about not wanting people to know who she “used to be”. When I think about myself, I’m the exact opposite. I want people to know who I used to be, where I come from. I want them to see all of the hard work that I’ve done. I have a strange comfort talking about my journey and my weight loss to just about anyone. If you ask me a question, I will answer it. If you want to see “before” pictures, I will show you. If I’m ashamed of anything, it is not doing something sooner, and getting to be as big as I used to be. And not because of the person that I was, but because of the physical aspects of that person I’ll never be able to get rid of (unless it is surgically removed.) Of course, I’m talking about my loose skin. Specifically my arms…which really is a whole post in and of itself. I digress.

In general right now, I’m very happy with my healthy lifestyle. Right now I define being “fit” as a person who has lost 90 pounds of fat, works out, and tries to live a healthy lifestyle in general. I know that the changes I’ve done over the past 2 and half years have literally added years onto my life. Years that I plan to live and enjoy. I also know that my definition of being fit is unique to myself. I am only me, and I can only work on myself. Each one of us is different therefore each one of us should define being fit differently. All of us have different bodies and different goals. Ask yourself the question: What is your fit definition?

let me be real

another before and after...

"after" february 2011

"before" may 2008

Can you change without truly changing? Back in October or November I bought a pair of size 12 jeans from the Gap. At the time I did try them on. I had to literally squeeze into them. They looked horrible, BUT I got them on zipped and buttoned. Right now I only really have one pair of jeans that I like, and truly fit me. They are the size 14’s I got from the Tommy Hilfiger store on Thanksgiving. A couple of weekends ago I decided to try on the size 12’s from the Gap just to see what they would look like. To my amazement I decided that they looked good, that they fit, and that I would wear them out...in public. Never in my life have I been a size 12. Never.ever. I will admit they are still a little bit tight, but I can wear them and feel somewhat “normal”. With this accomplishment you would think that since my pant size has gone down, that so has my weight. Not true. In fact the opposite. I am still struggling. I weighted myself a few weeks ago, the first time since I was at the doctor in January. 182. Back in the 180’s…UGH!!!!!!!

Want to know why? Because I went on a couple of binges. I’ve mentioned in the past that prior to my weight loss journey I never did such things, like binging. Never. But going on a “diet” creates this mental block in my head, and because I’ve done it before, I feel the need to consume all things bad. I would say about a month ago now, I bought a tube of cookie dough. I ate that whole thing in about three days. How disgusting is that?! Then just as I made my proclamation that Monday was THE day, while doing all of my healthy food shopping in preparation for the week, I bought some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream (frozen yogurt) AND some Klondike bars. Um, hello….since when are those items “healthy”. You want to know what is worse? I had a blog in my head where I threw the remaining five Klondike bars in the trash after having one, taking a picture of them in the trash and posting about said binge, but being proud that I threw them away. That blog never happened. Why? Because I ate all of those stupid bars, and all of that ice cream. How about the more obvious question of: WHY did I buy those items in the first place?! I can’t even begin to tell you the conversations I have in my head while grocery shopping. Or making decisions about what to eat. When I’m not hungry and thinking about it, but also knowing that eventually that sweet tooth will come back and haunt me I chant to myself: “just say no, April. Just say NO!!!” Like it is a drug…which I have discussed before. But why when I am hungry and when that sweet tooth is aching inside of me, I just CAN’T say no? That whole prior conversation of “Just say no” is nowhere to be seen. So I will start again, all of the bad things are (again) out of the house, because I consumed them all (again), in combination of all the healthy items. I will say that I have been eating more veggies, and I hope that soon my mental being will catch up to the rest of me. One thing that I forgot about eating healthy is the prep work involved. This whole thing just takes a lot of work. Nothing about this is easy.

So how is it that I am changing? Lately I’ve had people at the gym come up to me and tell me how great I look. When in my honest opinion I feel like I haven’t changed at all since October. Even weirder is that these people are ladies I swear I have never seen before in my life. I like to think that I’m a pretty observant person, that I take notice of the people around me. So it catches me completely off guard when someone in the locker room comes up to me and tells me how great I look, especially when I don’t ever remember seeing them. Then there are the regulars around me that tell me I’ve lost more weight…these people are usually people who work at the gym, and I have a theory that they just tell me I look like I’ve lost more weight, because they know I have more weight to lose but they see I haven’t changed over the last few months, and are encouraging me to keep on going. I actually told this theory to one of the guys that recently complimented me on my new weight loss and sees me regularly and he told me that I was mistaken. That if he thinks I have lost weight, he will tell me so. So I guess that is good to know. So again, how can I change without actually changing? Why can’t the numbers and the sizes not play such a big part? Rather than just be healthy?! What describes you? Small, Medium, or Large?! Who cares? For me what matters, is that I gonna keep on keepin’ on. And honestly I feel better being more open and honest about what it is that I eat. That these are my slip ups. Putting it out there lets me tackle it more fully rather than being in denial and just saying “yeah I’ve eaten like crap lately.”

Let the journey continue!

strike! 60min

another point of view

I'm watching an episode of "What Not to Wear" right now. And they are featuring a 32 year old woman who is a breast cancer survivor and has also lost 90 pounds. She's 5 feet and was 230 at her heaviest. There are obviously some big differences in our stories, but also a similarity. Like myself she's been over weight her whole life, and has always been labeled as the "fat" one. Sometimes when I think about the new friends in my life I question if we would be friends if I were still fat. I know it is a stupid "what if" question, especially since the answer doesn't really matter. But it still is a thought in my head. Sometimes I think if they can truly relate to my struggles. I have so many friends that just want to be what they weighted in high school. I was easily 30+ pounds heavier in HS than what I am now. It is a struggle that not everyone can relate to, is what I'm saying. The struggle of being over weight your entire life. ...I remember being called "fat-so" in kindergarten. Being called names your whole life, you get a complex. I'm learning that this fat person complex my stay with me forever. This is a struggle that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's like I'm living a constant uphill battle.
Watching this woman shop on "What Not to Wear" and hearing her say these comments like "chunk" and "thunder thighs" and "heavy" gives words to my many thoughts when I go shopping or am out with my friends. I don't appear "normal", I'm still the fat one of the group. And that is exactly how this woman feels like. She is very much so normal, and not fat at all. Now I know I still have some weight to lose, but I just had to document seeing this woman from a different view, and hearing her insecurities and realizing that mine are the same.
When you are overweight all you can think about is getting skinny. Wanting to lose weight. You hope that one day it'll just fall off of you, that no work will be needed. While hoping for that, you end up just getting bigger. Then something finally clicks to do.the.work. All you can think of is what is at the end of the road. Skinny. That is the goal. So much is focused on the physical. What about the mental?, the emotional?
Seeing this woman be proud of her many accomplishments and accepting her body the way that it is, and coming to the realization that she is normal gives me something to strive for, and something I see that I can accomplish.

barbell strength 60min

mental games

i have lots and lots going on inside of my head right now. i'm asking myself the classic question i ask myself just about everyday: "why is this so hard?" when truthfully it isn't that hard, because i've done it, and i've been successful, i've felt the hard work payoff.

today i had breakfast with an old family friend Sophie. she said that she just wanted to get to a point where her food wasn't something she was always thinking about. i advised, that it will always be something that we'll think about. maybe it won't be as much, or as time consuming, but because we are trying to be healthy living individuals. food is something that we (i) will think about the rest of my life. it is somewhat sicking to be honest. their are parts of this battle that are truly never ending.

my mind is not on the same page as the rest of me, and it is setting me behind. i know what the right decision is, but when it comes to actually making the decision and putting what is right into my mouth, i put what is bad. and i know that it is bad. it's like my mental self is saying "you'll lose that 20 pounds another time." i need to kick that mental part of me in the ass, literally. i need to take over control. i mean people lose 20 pounds all the time. it really isn't all that much. i would maybe even say that's the average amount of what people say they want to lose as their new years resolution. you could probably name a handful of people who have lost 20 pounds. how many people do you know have lost 90 pounds? that's probably a little bit more rare. or maybe you just don't know people who would need to lose 100+ pounds. what i'm saying, or what i'm trying to tell myself is that i can do this. and i know that i've typed these words out tons of times before...but nearly not as often as i tell myself as i try to fall asleep at night.

i just wish that it got easier. but the brutal truth is that it doesn't. if anything for me, it has gotten harder. i wouldn't trade it for the world, but having the social circle that i now have and going out with friends, dating, all of it and dieting, it is hard. but it is life. it has been almost one year since i started slimgenics. and i'm still in my weight loss stage. am i discouraged by this?, no not really. i have memories that will last me a lifetime, along with some lifelong friends. i know that they support me, and will always be there for me.

strike! 60min
662

less talk, more action

i'm know that i've been sounding like a broken record, oh since about what, october?! it's gotten a bit ridiculous if you ask me. even i'm sick of talking about it. i survived the holidays, being sick, my birthday, and the month of february just as an extra cushion, i guess?! who knows why i let february down the drain, but oh well, it is gone. nothing i can do about it now.
i have at least 20 more pounds to lose. i am officially making monday the day. nothing ordinary about that, i know. but this time i have a plan, and not only am i putting my plan out there for all the world to see, if i fail, that will be known as well.
and that is what i'm scared of. failing.
everyone says it's the last of the weight that is always the hardest to lose. being so close to goal, but not quiet there.
knowing that it is going to be even more than a struggle ...than what? ...than losing the previous 90?! so i guess that is what i need to remind myself of. that if i can lose 90, surely i can lose another 20. so what if it takes me a little bit longer? does that really even matter? how long it takes me?! i know it'll be a struggle. i also know that i can do it.
just do it.
i also fear that i won't be able to do it without the help of slimgenics. but i do have a plan of attack. plan my meals. write down everything that i eat. watch my portions. snack on veggies. allow myself a "cheat" every now and then. be present, be real. my life, my journey. i can do this on my own, and i will.
lastly, set goals. with such a small number to lose, i need to keep myself motivated. give myself things that i love to keep me going.
the first milestone will be at 10 pounds...which in all honesty is not just 10 pounds, it is actually 100 pounds. one hundred pounds. 265 to 165. when i lose 10 more pounds i'm going to go get myself a facial! i can't wait for that!
next milestone will be 15 pounds (total lost 105). i think that'll be a new pair of shoes, non-workout shoes.
lastly, goal weight of 155. some shopping!!!
like everything in life, i know that i'll have some setbacks, but i also know that i'll have some victories. most importantly i know that the end result will get me right where i want to be.

strictly strength 60min

another layer

this whole process is about shedding some skin...literally. losing part of you. getting rid of the waste. searching for what could be underneath. looking for and finding the healthier, fitter you, that you always thought was there. becoming someone in reality that you've only ever thought of in a dream. slowly my dream is coming true...

all of us have that physical thing that we like about ourselves. something that we can say we like. for me that thing has always been my hair. my hair has always been the thing that i like. the thing i was comfortable getting complimented on, that i knew was pretty. i feel like i've been growing my hair out since my mom went to get my hair cut in the 5th grade, and i got a horrible, short, feathered cut. i hated it. i've dreaded any big change to my hair since then. once i learned to actually style my hair, and could be versatile with it by going straight or curly i grew to really love my hair. my hair became my comfort, what i could hide behind as my face got fatter and fatter.
i always thought about doing a change. something drastic, just because. i thought about doing it on my last milestone birthday of turning 30, but decided against it. i've kept the thought in the back of my head as i've been on my weight loss journey. cutting my hair off once i reached my goal.
i'm not yet at my goal, but opportunity knocks, you gotta take it....

i did it!
chopped off my hair and got bangs!

i started going to mark pardo's salon in albuquerque when i was in high school. and started going to meredith when i was 17 or 18. i instantly loved her. the way she does a cut and color is absolutely amazing. then at 22 i moved to denver. the first couple of years i lived here, i went home often. for the most part i was able to keep meredith as my "main" hair stylist. then her and her hubby moved to arizona. needless to say, i have yet to find someone here in denver that i love and would trust to do a big drastic change to my hair. then a few years ago meredith moved back to NM. i'm pretty sure that the last time she did my hair it was either christmas of '08 or christmas '09. the cut and color was $200+...i was saddened that as much as i love her talent i could no longer afford her.
then as i'm walking out of the terminal at the albuquerque airport this past christmas i see meredith.
me: "meredith?" she looks at me....last she saw me i was 90 pounds heavier. "april madrid. you used to do my hair. how are you?"
meredith: "good. you look great."
me: "thanks. where did you fly in from?"
meredith: "denver. i moved there in june."
as you can imagine the rest is history. she told me which salon she now works at, which happens to be right across the street from where i catch the bus to go home from work, and because she is new and growing a client base her haircuts are only $35! plus, just to add to the story, her husband works for qwest, and we work in the same building!

not too sure how much i cut off, but it was a lot.

jill & i out to dinner

the last haircut i got was back in the middle of november. so when i ran into meredith around the holidays i knew it wouldn't be until february or march until i would go see her, and had been thinking about it since our chance encounter at the albuquerque airport.
i knew this was my chance for a change. why not do another change with everything else going on around me changing?! my confidence is slowly growing, and i no longer feel the need to have to hide behind my hair.
last time i had bangs i was 17, and my face was a lot more rounder than what it is now. last time i had short hair like this...who knows?! ...now i realize to most, that my hair wouldn't be described as "short" but rather "shoulder-length" but to me it is short, so i'm callin' short! i'm still getting used to it, and i'm looking forward to playing with it this weekend.
although it may defeat the purpose, but i can tell you right now that i'm already in the state-of-mind that i'm growing it back out long. because really isn't that why we cut in the first place?, just to grow it back? i don't know about you, but that is why i cut it!
i've had good friends who i believe would be truthful with me if it did look bad, tell me that it looks good, and that of course does make me happy. they (as am i) are just looking at another layer peeled back from me as i (and they) continue to get to know who is the new, true me.

elliptical 30min
treadmill 30min

updated resolution 2011

I’ve been focused on my numbers for so long. I think that is because I knew I would need to establish a high number in order for it to be considered a habit. “It” of course being working out. I always knew that there would be a year where the number compared to the previous year would be smaller. And like so many things on this journey, I told myself I would deal with that when I got there. I am currently at that bridge, deciding what to do. January wasn’t a good month, and February doesn’t seem to be too hot either. I think because mentally my head is someplace else. I knew that in order for weight loss to be a success I would have to create a solid workout routine. Manage my workouts, and make sure that I was working out 5 days a week consistently. I have, in my opinion established that routine. My workout routine is something I'm very comfortable with. I now know it isn’t something I need to focus on. The habit is there, and I know it isn’t going anywhere. I no longer have a need to obsess about my numbers, but rather a want. I don’t want to stop working out, and I know that I won’t.

That leaves me with the reality that I probably won’t work out more than what I did last year, which was 254 times. And even though I didn’t set a specific number goal for 2011,I feel the need to update my goals for this year. Although after reading my resolution post for this year that I wrote at the beginning of last month, I’m not really changing anything. I still plan on working out between 200 – 240 this year, and I still plan on doing at least six 5k’s.

I suppose my main point is that for me my energy has shifted. Which is why I feel the need to update. The question I ask myself is no longer “How many times will I work out this year?” I don’t even think I have a question for myself for this year. Mainly, I think it is important to just go with the flow. This journey is all about change, and it is too hard to predict what could happen amongst all the change that’s already going on around me. At times it seems too much to keep up with.

Right now I think I need to focus on getting to that uncomfortable spot. Where I know the change will truly start to happen again. Big things are coming for me this year, but it is up to me to find these things. And the only way that'll happen is if I continue to push myself and be uncomfortable.

barbell strength 60min

no regrets

i'm struggling. it isn't bad, but still a struggle is a struggle. i only worked out 4 times this week. did i have the opportunity to work out 5?, yes. do i regret this?, no. however, i will say that this morning was hard. i don't have a "set" workout on saturday mornings. the class that i sometimes do, isn't a favorite, the instructor is just ok, so when i do skip this workout it's no big deal. plus saturday is the only morning i can truly sleep in. so this morning that is what i did. after sleeping in, i thought about putting off going to the gym altogether. i tried (although not hard) to find plans to give me the "excuse" to get up and get ready, rather than get up and go workout. while lying in bed trying to decide what to do, i had the conversation with myself of: "if you don't workout today, that means you only worked out 3 times this week." and "if you don't workout today, will you regret it?" when i answered yes to that question i knew i had to go. so i went. this journey is a hard one to have regrets in. because it is your journey. you either do it, or you don't.
so that was my motivation today. not wanting to regret not doing it. you gotta do what works in that moment. that's the only way to survive. to keep going. doing what works for you at that time.
am i happy i went? of course. i'm never not happy when i leave the gym. i guess that's sorta the point.
although lately i will say trying to find the motivation to get to the gym is getting harder and harder. why is this? i have no idea. i think some of it has to be with being comfortable. too comfortable. i have a comfort level with the gym, and a habit with my workout schedule. so maybe i just don't think about it, and then when it comes to actually going...i find myself having to literally kick myself out the door.
i also think it is a mental block. the block of what i need to do. the end of this journey. losing the last of these 20+ pounds. i have a part of me that is so curious to see what it is that i'll look like with 20 pounds less on me. then i have another part of me that is scared to see what it is that i'll look like. ...part of that person is scared, because i'm afraid to fail. part of me knows that this will always be a struggle. i've been my current size for almost 5 months now...and when i see myself, i still see someone at 265 pounds. will i ever not see that person?! time will tell. until then i will keep working on finding what works.

elliptical 30min
treadmill 30min