End of Pregnancy

38 weeks

my entertainment at Mondays NST

The end of pregnancy is so hard to describe.  It is truly filled with every single emotion possible, especially since I have knowledge of this feeling as this is my second pregnancy.  How it seems like time is at a stand still as the days go by wondering when this little dude will make an appearance, but then knowing that once baby does come these last few days (weeks) of pregnancy will be a distant blur.  Having the realization that pregnancy doesn't last forever even though you feel that way, and that one day (soon, but who knows when?) it'll be over.
The huge difference this time around, of course, is truly not knowing when I'll have this baby boy in my arms.  With Helena's birth as a scheduled c-section I knew when I would be holding her.  This time I have no clue.  I'm definitely at peace of not knowing, but that doesn't mean I'm not curious and anxious.
Last week was super rough.  There was a play date last Tuesday at White Sands and I think climbing up in the sand and then going to Walmart in the afternoon where I had some contractions I just pushed myself too hard.  By early Wednesday morning I had some horrific hunger pains, although I wasn't hungry, and then I just had a horrible horrible stomach ache.  I kept having to go to the bathroom and felt extremely weak.  Thankfully my mom was on her way down for a visit to help with my last two most recent doctor appointments, and I called Chris to come home since I seriously couldn't move (besides from the couch/bed to the bathroom).  I then started throwing up.  I had no clue if I was in the beginning stages of labor (I obviously wasn't) or if I was just sick.  I seriously had zero energy and slept all day long, and if I wasn't sleeping I was on the toilet.  I couldn't even keep down gatorade.  I had a fever and felt absolutely horrible.  The worse I think was just feeling so weak.  I thought "If this is labor, no way can I do this."  I had both my mom and Chris worried about me since I was so out of it.  Thankfully baby was active all day, so I knew he was ok.  That was reassuring.  By Thursday morning I was able to eat some, and baby looked great at the doctors appointment on Thursday morning.  Who knows what it was, but thankfully it was short-lived and I feel fine now and have my energy back!
Now it's just a waiting game.  The doctor told me to do lots of walking and to sit on my exercise ball, which I've been doing both of.  While my mom was here, we prepped 10 freezer crock pot meals and I'm doing lots around the house this week in preparation of going into labor at any moment.  Plus lots of praying that this little babe will put me into labor so that way I don't have to be induced.
Helena handled her transition without the rocking chair super easy...almost too easily.  I cried like a baby.  She had one rough night, but she knows that the rocking chair is in her little brothers room.  Plus she likes all of her toys in her room...we moved her toys into the space where the chair was.  She's fascinated by baby brother's room, and wants to go in there all the time.
Now we wait.  My mom predicts that baby will come on 4/22 because it is a full moon.  And that date works fine for me, as my mom will be back in town on 4/20 (if she doesn't come sooner) and that gives my family one last weekend to enjoy as a family of 3.  I really do like my new doctor, and baby boy is happy and healthy and is passing all of his NST's and BPP's.  His heartrate is always in the 150's to 160's.  Some big differences with this pregnancy and Helena's: I got much more gasy much earlier on, with burps and stuff.  And his movement is not as consistent as what Helena was.  But now that I'm further along I of course feel him more.

Pregnancy Update

Baby Boy Sweat 30w4d 2/17/16

Chris is working on a dresser in baby boy's room and soon to be big sister is sleeping, and I read this yesterday, so I feel like an update right now is important as I have lots of feelings and emotions going on in my head.  I unfortunately got too far behind on my weekly updates that when I would think about trying to update I would just get overwhelmed.  So this child already has less recorded from his big sister, and I'm trying not to feel too guilty about it.  I started getting overwhelmed at the beginning of February when an appointment with my preferred doctor got changed to another doctor that I could tell was not VBAC friendly.  And I feel like since then there has been some different issue going on almost daily.  It's been a lot to try and keep up with, but I will try and document as much as possible.
Since our move at the beginning of November I've mentioned my blood sugars at every single doctor's appointment, with no real action, until the beginning of February.  I had an appointment set for (another) 3 hour glucose test just to find out that my insurance wouldn't cover another 3 hour test until I failed a one-hour test.  So after mentally preparing for a 3hr test, I did the one hour test.  At this appointment the doctor asked about my birth plan, which I stated (again) VBAC.  ...when we met for the first time in December and I told her I intended to VBAC she responded that I still had time to change my mind.  Which indicated to me that she wasn't really a VBAC friendly provider.  At this appointment in February she asked again, and I advised VBAC, then out of nowhere she asked if I was getting my tubes tied.  This shocked me.  My first thought was "wow, this women really wants to cut be open", as her point was, if I did want my tubes tied, that the procedure is pretty easy follow in a c-section.  But to present it that way, especially after voicing my desire to VBAC I truly felt like she wasn't listening.  And then to assume I'm done having kids, I was just speechless.  Especially because Chris and I haven't had this conversation, and for her to give me a permanent solution to birth control, truly seemed out of left-field.  I really just wanted to get through this appointment.  I (of course) failed my 1 hour glucose test, and get the 3 hour scheduled for the following Monday.  I fail the 3 hour and I'm officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes and am put on insulin.  That was the Wednesday prior to leaving for my trips to ABQ and Denver.  Long story short, my insurance declined the prescription that the doctor wrote for the insulin....Who knew they could even do that?....I do not recommend Blue Cross Blue Shield!  So after a lot of back and forth I finally get some insulin my first night in ABQ.  Once I get it, it's not the dosage that I had reviewed with my doctor, in fact it wasn't even my doctor who called in the new prescription, it was from a doctor I hadn't even ever met!  So then I was really confused and upset and decided to not deal with it until my return to Alamogordo.  Finally 2 weeks after I was prescribed to be on insulin I was able to talk to my doctor this past Tuesday and get everything settled.  In addition to that, there were issues with the glucometer.  And I'm sure other things that I'm forgetting.  Once I was diagnosed with GD the doctors office finally started giving me the care that I felt I needed, but at that point it was too little too late.  I had started the process of possibly having this baby in Las Cruces with a highly referred doctor.  Chris and I met with a doula and really looking at all of our options.  We toured both hospitals (the one here in Alamogordo, and the one in Las Cruces), and made an appointment to meet the doctor in Las Cruces.  From the beginning I've felt the doctor that I somewhat like here in Alamogordo was basically just telling me what I wanted to here in regards to my VBAC wishes.  It was a similar feeling with the doctor I had Helena with.  I was also feeling extremely anxious about the birth of this baby, and where we were going to have it.  On Friday we drove to Las Cruces and met with the doctor (thankfully Chris was able to come and meet him, too).  It was really good (although he was running extremely late, which was frustrating).  He's much more aggressive in his VBAC approach, which makes him a lot more confident, which in turn gives me more confidence.  He has a higher success rate, and the hospital itself gives me huge peace of mind, as it has a NICU, is baby-friendly, and a 24-hour anesthesiologist.  And Chris liked him.  So we have a decision!  We are having this baby in Las Cruces and I'll be canceling all of my appointments here tomorrow!  I feel like a huge weight is lifted that at 33 weeks pregnant I know where I'm having my baby.  But that doesn't mean I'm not nervous and anxious, because I am.  And part of me is sad and feels bad to "fire" my doctor here.  I thrive off of what I know.  And this is the doctor's office that I've known since we moved, and that is where I'm comfortable, but I truly feel that Las Cruces is going to be best, and is going to give me and my baby the best start!  In addition to that we've hired the local Doula, and I'm really looking forward to that relationship growing, and having a great labor and birth!  We still need to figure out the details in regards of what to do with Helena, but we have some options to discuss and we'll hopefully get all of that figured out soon.
I've been feeling really behind this pregnancy.  This time two years ago Helena's room was ton, clothes were washed, car-seat installed, and I wasn't even this far along.  As I get bigger and more and more uncomfortable as baby boy takes up more space and as slow the last few weeks of pregnancy can seem, I'm also highly aware of how quickly they will go, so when I think about having a newborn baby here, I don't feel ready.  Which makes me feel uneasy.  Chris assures me that everything will be ready and set to go by next weekend, and I know that'll make me feel much better.  Then there is the love.  Every single time I get to see baby boy, or even just feeling me move throughout the day, I start to get overwhelmed by the love.  I wrote about the love that I felt for Helena and how it wasn't this wam bam type of love just because I didn't know what to expect as a first time mom.  But as I got comfortable in my motherhood role and as I got to know Helena it was amazing the immense amount of love you feel.  Now that I know what to expect, I love this little boy.  I am brought to tears every time I get to see him and the moments I get to see him move I immediately giggle and get teary eyed.  Just because I now know the love this little boy will bring, and it is so exciting to think about.
I truly can't wait to see him and love on him and kiss him, and I know how quickly the rest of this pregnancy is going to go, I just hope I'm ready!

this pregnancy

baby boy Sweat @ 20w3d 12/9/15

since this is only my second pregnancy i'm prone to compare it to my first, and they are nothing alike.  i definitely want to get out all of the details, but the big difference between these babies, is this baby boy doesn't move like his big sister.  once i felt helena at around 19 weeks she was extremely consistent.  i was usually guaranteed movement after every dinner, and then at around 20 weeks chris could feel her move, and by 21 weeks i could watch her move. this baby not so much.  i started feeling movement with baby boy around 17 weeks, and since then it's all over the place.  the week we found out baby was a boy i went to the doctor two days later because there was a full evening and night where i felt no movement at all.  baby was fine, but then a similar scenario happened christmas eve and christmas day.  i specifically remember telling chris on the drive to albuquerque on christmas eve that if i didn't feel this baby soon, we'd be spending christmas day at an urgent care in albuquerque.  i did eventually feel baby, but this babies sporadic movements keeps me on my toes!  and not in a good way.  chris has only felt baby move a few times and i've only seen baby a few times too, and i'm now 25 weeks.  chris constantly says that the baby is relaxing, so now when he askes how baby boy is doing and haven't felt a lot of movement i'll just saying "he's relaxing" because it sounds so much better than "i don't know".  my only hope is that this laid back nature he seems to have inside will be a glimpse into what his personality will be like once he is on the outside.

let's move onto the whole "he" thing.  it feels really weird knowing the gender of this baby.  chris left the decision of knowing the sex or not to a coin toss the night before the appointment.  i arranged for helena to be watched by a new mom friend so that chris and i could enjoy the whole big ultrasound and focus on our new baby.  it was really nice to have it just be the "three" of us without chris being distracted by helena making sure she wasn't getting into anything she shouldn't be.  chris told the ultrasound tech that we would be finding out the sex, and the first shot the tech did was dead center in-between the legs, and i knew it right away.  all boy.  the tech could tell i knew what it was but chris was looking at the monitor wondering what in the world we were looking at.  so i clued him in that he was getting a son.  he immediately cheered and i started crying.  i don't know why, but i really thought i was having a girl.  i totally pictured raising sisters.  the day before i found out that my friend andrea was having a girl, and i thought the chances of us getting one of each right away was slim to none.  i remember a conversation andrea and i had right after both of us found out we were pregnant.  we went on a walk and she made a comment like "what if we both have girls, and grayson is the only boy?"  i totally pictured telling andrea "well grayson is going to be the only boy."  my first thought about having a boy is i have no idea what to do with a boy!  i'm super excited and i'm thrilled to be having one of each!  when i do feel him and get to see him at an ultrasound i feel that feeling of love and my heart growing to be fulfilled with this little boys love and the love and joy he is going to be bringing into my family.

next up is the care of this baby.  there is only one OB medical office in Alamogordo.  my plan for this birth has always been a VBAC.  and the doctor that delivered Helena was on board with a VBAC.  then we moved.  at my first appointment they asked why i had a c-section and how i wanted to birth this baby.  the doctor seemed on board with a VBAC, but advised me that they would not induce me.  so immediately it was either go into labor by 42 weeks or end up with a c-section.  the next time i went in i met with the one female doctor at this practice who is from bejing, china and as an extremely strong accent.  her respond to my VBAC wishes?: you have time to change your mind.  that's when the red flags were raised.  At my next appointment the doctor gave me the consent form I would have to sign in order to attempt a VBAC at the one and only hospital in Alamogordo.  It basically says they don't have the appropriate staff on hand 24/7 to ensure your safety for all things that could go wrong when going for a VBAC.  ...after the fact I also realized that means that they don't have the resources to even support a normal laboring woman which is something I plan on asking about at my next appointment.  I asked where the nearest hospital is that could support a VBAC birth, and the doctor advised El Paso, 90 minutes away.
This is completely foreign to me.  I'm used to the world at my finger tips.  Which I knew was a huge plus to living in Denver.  Unlimited resources for almost anything, endless food options, all the shopping would ever need right outside my door, a direct flight to London if I wanted to get out of the country.  Now I have one hospital, only a couple of chain restaurants to feed me, Wal-mart for my shopping needs, and flying...well that's out of the question, let alone going somewhere out of the country, unless of course I want to go Juarez, Mexico.
Like my pregnancy with Helena I'm at a crossroads in this pregnancy.  Do I birth this baby here?, Chris and I have both decided and agreed that if I were to have this baby here, it would be via repeat C-section.  Or do I start my search from scratch?: look at options in Las Cruces, El Paso, or even Albuquerque.  When I first moved here it seems common that mom's birth their babies elsewhere.  At the time I thought that was strange, because why would have your baby someplace different from where you live? The idea seemed crazy to me.  But now I get it.  The hospital doesn't even have a NICU.  To my surprise Chris recommend I go to ABQ to have this baby, just because Helena and I could go to ABQ have a place to stay and lots of help.  I don't know why, but I just really hate the idea of interrupting my families routine so I can attempt something that in the end may not even happen.  And plus what does that even look like?  When would Helena and I go up to ABQ?  How does that work with the end of pregnancy?  Obviously I have research and work to do, this is just the cloudiness in my head right now.
Aside from the whole VBAC thing lets talk about the care I'm receiving.  At my first OB appointment at the end of September in Denver they drew blood and just like my first pregnancy my A1C (blood sugars) was just slightly elevated.  So I predicted the same exact treatment for my blood sugars throughout this pregnancy.  Well then we moved.  I've mentioned my blood sugars at every single appointment.  I started testing my blood sugars when I was around 16 weeks pregnant with Helena.  I never took the glucose sugar test because they based my treatment off of my blood sugar results that I was getting 4 times a day.  ...Granted the doctors didn't really start paying attention to my numbers until I was around 30 weeks.  And of course, by the end of my pregnancy with Helena I was on insulin.  This time around they haven't even mentioned testing my blood sugars, and instead they had my take the 3 hour glucose test the week of Thanksgiving, which I surprisingly passed with "flying colors" as told me by the nurse.  She even told me to have that extra piece of pie during Thanksgiving dinner.  And now I'll be doing another 3 hour glucose test the first week of February when I'll be 28 weeks.  It's just weird to me that from the very beginning of my pregnancy with Helena I was categorized as "high risk" because of my elevated blood sugars, and so far in this pregnancy I'm considered "normal" because I passed a 3 hour glucose test when I was 18 weeks.  I wish I could go get a second opinion without having to leave city limits.
All of these things are constantly on my mind.  Over and over I'm asking myself: what to do?  I'm not gonna lie I see appeal in just have another c-section here.  Keep my family and routine intact, take the question about when this baby is going to come, and just schedule it.  Part of me feels selfish for for this whole VBAC because I know it would interrupt my family and our routine, and of course I'm scared that I could do all of these and end up in another c-section, so then what would it all be for?  Just to displace my family for no reason.  I truly have no clue what to do.
They say every pregnancy is different, no kidding.

Oops we did it...again!

I'm feeling very nostalgic today and now that we have our computer up and running and a sleeping baby taking a nap I'm going to write a post about my beautiful friend Andrea. 

Andrea and I met in March 2012.  I was newly engaged and planning my wedding and already feeling so overwhelmed.  I didn't know it at the time but I was yearning for a friend, a friend that would know exactly what I was going through.  Someone who could listen and know what I mean.  I truly believe that at that moment God sent me Andrea.  Andrea too was newly engaged.  I can't remember if she had her wedding date set yet?...which is one big difference between Andrea and I, but once I met her and she told me she was planning her wedding a wave a relief swooped over me.  We met at work, and her cubicle was near mine.  I was ease-dropping when I heard her say she was engaged, I immediately got so excited, my heart start racing, and I wanted to run over give her a huge hug and say: Oh My GOD me too!!!  But I kept my cool, I think I somehow introduced myself and engaged with her and the fact that I too was engaged. 
From there, I guess you could say the rest is history.  We planned our entire weddings together.  I knew her wedding "secrets", she knew mine.  We both stressed over little things and family drama.  She was the exact person I needed in my life, right at that time.  Our friendship was just meant to be.  I can't put it more simply than that. 
We both dealt with what I guess I'll call the "wedding blues".  The low that happens after your get married.  After the big "to do" of the wedding.  Basically we both had these weird issues going on during the first couple months of 2013.  I remember having breakfast with her on my birthday that year, and it was not a super happy time for either of us.  Again, it was so nice to have her there and to know that she could somewhat relate to what I was feeling at that time.  I got to see own relationship with God grow as Chris and I became more and more comfortable in our new church.
I remember going to her over the summer that year, being frustrated about not getting pregnant. 
Then I remember the day after Labor Day 2013, waiting for her to get to work (I always got to work before she did), and once she arrived I immediately IMed her "Hey, do you want to go for a walk."  Once past the first corner around our building I exclaimed "I'm pregnant!"  Her response was something like: "No fu*!ing way, me TOO!"  We took a short walk around the building, and I couldn't believe we were pregnant at the same time!  Feelings of this friendship being meant to be swooped over me once again.  We spent our whole entire pregnancy together.  Our due dates were 2 weeks apart (just like our weddings were two weeks apart).  It was truly magical.  Her due date came and went and I hade Helena at 39 weeks, so Grayson and Helena are just 5 days a part.  I remember going to meet Grayson when I was still pregnant (Grayson was 3 days old, I think?).  Andrea said how motherhood is so amazing, and how your newborn child just knows.  Knows that you are their mother, that you are their for them unconditionally.  It was a beautiful and profound statement that I still carry with me to this day. 
Having our babies together so close in age is something magical.  She truly knows exactly what I'm going through.  If I have a bad day, she can relate.  She can relate in the love and the beautiful moments of seeing your little being grow.  In the same time! 
Then this, then this happened:

At the beginning of August Andrea and Grayson were over for a playdate, I was telling Andrea how I pictured my life going over the next two years in regards to work etc... and I ended it by telling her in my perfect world we would be pregnant together again at the same time.  Andrea reacted like that was crazy and how the chances of that happening were slim to none.  I thought so too, especially since Andrea was hoping to get pregnant sooner rather than later, and I was planning on getting pregnant later.  I knew if anything our next baby's would be somewhat close, I figured maybe within 9 months of each other.  But now...our due dates are a day apart!  So we're going through it all again.  When I knew we were moving and I would think about Andrea and telling her we were moving, I would immediately get teary eyed.  I knew this friendship would be the most difficult to say good-bye to.  Thankfully our good-bye wasn't as emotional as I anticipated with busy toddlers around.  But I miss her and Grayson so much.  I truly appreciate how she just gets it.  And I appreciate that!  She understands when she texts and I don't respond for hours or sometimes days.  And I know that she understands when I don't respond right away. 
I'm sad that these two babies won't grow up and get to know each other like Grayson and Helena.  I'm sad that Grayson and Helena no longer have playdates. 
There are many differences between Andrea and I, in the way we plan, the way we parent etc...But we have these common threads that are irreplaceable.  It's this natural understanding that I love.
I know Andrea and I will stay in touch, but I also know it just isn't the same. 

Poppy Seed II

we're moved, but haven't gotten the computer set up, which is why

i haven't been blogging.

i know i'm behind.

i'll be trying to catch up.

written Monday 8/17/15

Dear Little Poppy Seed II,

Here we go again, and I’m still in a little bit of shock!  Thus far this pregnancy is completely different than my previous one.  One of the big differences was getting pregnant.  It took Chris and I 8 months to get pregnant with Helena.  This time we were barely trying, I guess I should say we were “not not trying”.  Make sense?  We both knew a second baby would be in the works, and in my “planner” mind my goal was to have a baby sometime in 2016.  And now that sometime is: April 2016!  I don’t know if I’ve ever publicly put it out on my blog, but let me just say that the idea of two under two scares the crap out of me!  And now I’m going to be THAT mom!  Granted it’ll only be few weeks, but still.  My “ideal” timeframe would have been to get pregnant between October and March.  So the gap would have been closer to 2 ½ years.  I planned, and God laughed!!! 

And here we are.  Pregnant.

Unlike last time, I didn’t know.  Last time I knew I was pregnant.  I knew I would take a pregnancy test, and I knew it would be positive.  I had gotten to know my body so well.    This time I had no clue, and I kept going back and forth about the whole thing.  This time I didn’t know my body, in fact I feel like I’m still getting to know my body, post pregnancy from Helena.  July was only my 3^rd normal cycle since getting a normal period back after breastfeeding, going off of the pill etc…. So I had no “signs”.

My patience finally gave in on Thursday 8/13 when I took a pregnancy test in the middle of the day.  It was negative. I was expecting my period either Friday or Saturday.  Friday morning I told Chris about my negative pregnancy test and to rant to him about all the thoughts going on in my head.  I was completely confused as to why I hadn’t started my period while at the same time convincing myself I wasn’t pregnant, but then a split second later convincing myself that I was indeed pregnant.  All while trying to decide when I should re-test.  I even convinced myself that I had cramps Friday night, so surely my period was about to start!  As Friday and Saturday passed with no sign of my period I was mentally exhausted!  I woke up early Sunday morning while having the same conversation in my head trying to decide if I should take another test.  I finally decided to take another test because I knew it would calm me down.  I thought for sure it would be negative. 

But it wasn’t too long before that second line showed up.  I seriously thought I was seeing things.  I kept doing a double take.  Look at the test then look at myself in the mirror with a question on my face.  Back and forth back and forth.  I thought: No way can this be real.  Am I really pregnant?!  Obviously the answer is in those two pink lines.  I went out into the living room to grab my phone and take a picture of the beginning of this little life. 

When I saw the negative test on Thursday I could feel a missing piece of my heart.  And I knew I wanted to try for another baby, soon.  Then seeing the positive on Sunday it was almost disbelief that the missing piece was filled so quickly after realizing I had it.  I crawled back into bed a little after 6am, Chris awoke shortly after.  Thinking that this might be our last pregnancy I wanted to do a special “announcement”.  …which of course had been planned in my head for months.  Chris asked if I took another test and I lied and said “no”.  Even going on explaining to him that I really think my period is about to start. 

Once we realized we didn’t have any food for breakfast he left to go get breakfast burritos, and I put my plan in place: A bun in the oven!  Once Chris got home I asked him to check in the oven for something.  He immediately asked if it was a bug?!  I kept prompting him to look and when he did he asked why there was bread in the oven.  I could tell he had no clue what I was trying to tell him.  After a few seconds of him starring at the bun he looked at me, and I could tell he had figured it out.  After hugs and kisses I took him to the positive pregnancy test.  After more hugs and some tears he tells me that he knew I was pregnant after not getting my period.  Ha!  We shared our excitement and extreme shock at how quickly this pregnancy came about. 

Although this pregnancy is sorta a surprise I feel extremely blessed.  I feel super excited to be making our family bigger and to be making Helena a big sister!  Sunday August 16, 2015 was a life changing day.  To go to bed the night before just thinking about me, then the next night my thoughts are about this baby.  Like last time it is extremely hard not to tell people this life changing news. 

My first prenatal appointment is set for September 28^th, when I’ll be 10 weeks.  I have the same feelings of last time and repeating in my head nonstop: “Please Dear Lord let this baby be ok” “Please Dear Lord let this baby be healthy”.  All while feeling very “wonder woman” like walking around with thoughts about the fact that I’m currently growing a human!  What’s your secret super power?!

As much as a shock at the ease this pregnancy came I feel so blessed and excited to have another little baby!  I’m honored that I’ve been trusted to be a Mom to this little Baby Sweat #2!

Thank you Baby Sweat #2 for making your home with me.  I promise to love you unconditionally and always look after you.

Love,

Mom

here's my letter to Helena

Pregnancy Weeks 4 - 14

9/27/15: 10w4d - Baby Sweat #2 is waving "HI"

It's been a crazy 11 weeks:  Here's a recap.

Week 4: Poppy Seed

8/16 – 8/22

I’m super tired this week, but feel like I’m using my energy well chasing after my 15 month old.  I have zero appetite and nothing sounds appetizing.  I feel like I can’t drink enough water, as I always feel like I have “dry mouth”.  Which of course only increases the bathroom trips even more! 

Week 5: Sesame Seed

8/23 – 8/29

I found out this week I don’t have a job as of 9/4.  I’m beyond scared.  My daughter and my unborn child officially have two unemployed parents.  In the span of 8 days my life drastically changed, twice. 

I completed a 5K on Thursday and was so sore!

Week 6: Lentil

8/30 – 9/5

I’m so emotionally drained and I have no motivation.  I have no desire to cook and the only time I really feel hungry is in the mornings.  I’m praying constantly: “Please Dear Lord let this baby be ok.”  “Please Dear Lord let this baby be healthy.”  With everything going on it is weird keeping this news to myself.  I’m almost scared to announce I’m pregnant just because of what people might think.

Week 7:  Blueberry

9/6 -9/12

We traveled to Kearney, NE over the Labor Day holiday.  We decided to leave the night before.  Chris and I both agreed a change of scenery would do us some good.  And it did.  Being at my in-laws I get to totally relax.  I know Helena will be taken care of, and I know I'll be taken care of.  I truly just relaxed and stayed in my stage of denial a little bit longer.  I got to take naps!  I'm so not a nap taker, but growing this baby has made me exhausted, so I took an afternoon nap daily!  

Week 8: Kidney Bean

9/13 - 9/19

I'm so tired, and not sleeping very good isn't helping.  I've been super nausea lately a lot more than I ever was with Helena.  I feel like I'm going to puke all day long, but nothing ever actually happens.  

Week 9: Grape

9/20 - 9/26

Super busy this week.  Flew to Albuquerque to drive to Alamogordo for a job interview with Chris.  I don't want to move, but know we have to look at all options.

Week 10: Kumquat 

9/27 - 10/3

Had my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound on Monday 9/28!  Baby measured a little ahead of schedule at 10w4d with a super strong heart rate of 178!  We saw some movements and baby waving "HI" as if to tell me everything is going to be ok, and I cried and cried!  Plus my mom and Helena got to see baby which was super special!  In other big news, we decided this week to move to Alamogordo.  

Week 11: Fig

10/4 - 10/10

In Albuquerque this week.  I'm back to being tired, and super nauseated in the afternoon/evening.  These long bouts of nausea are not fun, but thankfully I have yet to get sick.

Week 12: Lime

10/11 - 10/17

I feel like my weeks are blending into each other.  I'm more focused on Helena and the fact that we are moving than this baby.  I feel guilty as I have moments of "oh, right I am pregnant."  This week we got the house cleaned up and put on the market.

Week 13: Pea Pod

10/18 - 10/24 

The house in under contract, and I'm trying to memorize everything about Colorado, as this is our last full week in the state I've called home for the last 13 and a half years.  We have this beautiful tree in our backyard that is so vibrantly red.  I'm seeing friends and saying good-bye.  I'm heartbroken and continue to pray this baby is happy and healthy.

Week 14: Lemon

10/25 - 10/31

Had my second appointment today (10/27), I was super anxious about hearing babies heartbeat.  But thankfully the heart-rate was in the high 150's and healthy.  We said good-bye to my doctor and the nurses, and I'm already dreading the search for a new OB.

Let's Compare

I didn't take a lot of baby "pump" pictures, and of course looking back now, I wish I had.  But oh well.  Here's a side by side comparison of growing baby Helena.

30w: 3/8/14

34w: 4/5/14

37w1d: 4/27/14

I gotta say, I sorta miss my baby bump.  It was a comfort to have my daughter with me all the time, to rub on her from the outside in.  But now that she's out, it's a lot of fun seeing her movements and imaging them on the inside.  The whole process is definitely a miracle to watch beginning to end.  To go from a tiny poppy-seed, to the beautiful little being that we've created. 

Pregnancy Week 35 - 38

4/27/14: 37w1d

Last night at Dance Jam: 5/8/14: 38w5d

Week 35: 4/13 - 4/19 (coconut)
Took our Breastfeeding class this week, and got the house prepped by getting the vents and carpet cleaned.  Worked out twice, which felt great.  Found out at the doctor's office that baby's official eviction will be set for 5/13, when I'll check in at the hospital that night. 

Week 36: 4/20 - 4/26 (honeydew)
Celebrated Easter, and feel so blessed.  Had my last growth ultrasound, and baby is nearing the 9 pound mark, and still has 3 weeks to cook.  The doctor has given us the option to do a scheduled c-section.  I honestly have no idea what to do.  I feel like this is my first big "mother" decision to make, and I'm already clueless.

 

Week 37: 4/27 - 5/3 (winter melon)

We met with our doula this week, and she gave us some good options if we decide to go the c-section route.  I'm doing lots and lots of praying that baby will come on its own sometime before 5/10.  It's crazy to think that my life is about to drastically change for forever.  We've made a decision, and baby will be here no later than 5/10.  One more week!  Chris planned a fabulous last "date" on Saturday.  We had the most fantastic brunch and massage!

 

Week 38: 5/4 - 5/10 (pumpkin)

We have days left, and this pregnancy will be coming to an end.  I feel bittersweet and am trying to enjoy each moment as i know these moments will soon be replaced by other beautiful moments.  I'm loving peoples reactions to me: "Wow, you are really pregnant."  I'm growing more and more anxious, in addition to the actual growing part.  My belly has started to itch, and I don't like it!

Maternity Photos

Back in April, when I was 35 weeks pregnant, Chris and I met Bryndi for a Maternity Photo-shoot.  Bryn was referred to me by my friend Andrea, and I love her maternity and newborn work!  Simple and classic, and she moves super quick!  We had a great time downtown, and super soon she'll be shooting our little star!  We got a great package deal, and I'm thrilled that Bryndi will be documenting our child through its first year of life!

 

If you need a photographer I highly recommended  Bryndi!

Overwhelmed

I've been trying to think of a word to describe this whole pregnancy experience now that my pregnant days are in the single digits.  From spending 8 months trying to conceive, and questioning if I could even get pregnant, to taking my first home pregnancy test, or hearing the baby's heart beat for the first time at my first ultrasound in October, or having to prick myself to check my blood sugars, or to first feeling baby move over Christmas, or to going on insulin, to feeling like I have a baby bump, to picking my doctor, all the way to now about to have a baby, and everything in-between.

The single word I can think of is overwhelmed.

Right now I'm every emotion imaginable.  I'm home alone putting away laundry, cooking dinner, and then cleaning up the kitchen.  It's a weird mix of feelings going about every day normal life, knowing that soon, extremely soon that life is about to change forever.  I'm overwhelmed.

Chris and I have been so blessed, and been given so much throughout this experience.  A couple of weeks ago my work group threw Andrea and I a surprise baby shower.  It was so nice to see such a large group come together for the both of us.  We got beautiful flowers, cake, and very generous gift cards.  Then last night Chris comes home from work with a ton of diapers and wipes, a swing, and a play saucer thing from his work.  All of this generosity just brings tears to my eyes.  I feel very undeserving.  I'm overwhelmed.

the spread at my work baby shower

yummy cake for Andrea and I

Andrea and I

Andrea had her baby yesterday.  And honestly I'm trying not to think about it, because I will just cry.  To know that she is now a mom taking care of a sweat baby boy.  Plus just going through this whole experience with her, I'm just overwhelmed.  And to now know that we'll be new mom's together, it's almost too much.

Add caption

Chris planned a super sweet date for us this past Saturday.  We went to brunch at Lola, and we both seriously had the best breakfast.  It really was what you want a nice dining out experience to be.  Then we went and got a couples massage at Eden Spa.  I was nervous about this, because I got a massage back when my mom was here at the end of March, and it wasn't a good experience.  But this massage was possibly the best massage experience I've ever had.  I asked her to focus on my neck and lower back as I think I strained them in Dance Jam, and she made me feel like brand new.  It was truly fantastic.  Seeing Chris put up with me throughout this whole pregnancy, and to see the love out of all of my crazy moments, makes me realize how blessed I am to be sharing my life with him.  I'm overwhelmed.
Starting tomorrow we'll have guests over.  My mom arrives, then my dad arrives next week.  By the time they leave we'll have some alone time as a family of 3 before my in-laws arrive for Memorial Day weekend.  I'm excited to see them all, and to see all parents become grand-parents.  Along with my sister-in-law become an Aunt, and Grandma become a great-Grandma (even though she is already one).  I can't help but think that I'll see each person grow to a new level of love, and to think that my baby produced that love, is so overwhelming.
Even more overwhelming is knowing that I haven't even met my baby yet, and knowing that's when the true emotion will begin.   

Our Book

 4/27/14: 37w1d baby bump (more like a mountain, but whatever)

A decision has been made with Baby Sweat and when he or she may make their arrival.  I have no desire or need to share the decision, as I know that this decision could easily go out the window, as I know Baby Sweat will come when he or she is happy and ready.  It was basically a simple process of elimination, lots of praying, reading advice, and going with my gut.  I know it’s the best choice for me and my baby, while at the same time knowing that there isn’t really such a thing as a “planned” birth.  Regardless of when the end date comes, its soon, and I know once it is here I’ll look back at this time and not second guess myself, because I’ll be looking at a beautiful little being that my husband and I created out of pure love.

When Chris and I left the doctor’s office on Thursday and told our doctor what we decided, Chris was expressing his excitement over how soon the baby will be here.  He mentioned our journey and how each year seems to top the next.  How he’s super excited for this chapter of becoming parents.  He then asked me what I would title our book, and I immediately said “Sweatin’ It Out” and that one of things he has taught me and one of things I love about him, is to just let it go, and to go with the flow. He’s always been confident that we would get pregnant, and that it would happen when it was suppose to.  Chris rarely worries, as he just knows things will work out as they should.  This is something that I’ve always needed to work on, and having Chris in my life has definitely helped.  I do still worry, and question things, but I think I’m more aware of it now, and just try to breath and know that everything will be as it should regardless of my worrying or not. 

Then I asked what Chris would title his book, and he appropriately responded with “No Sweat”.  His laid back approach simply put into two words.  We’ve been on a crazy ride, and things are about to get crazier. 

This pregnancy journey is coming to an end, and it feels surreal.  I’m part of a “May 2014 Moms” group online, and a lot of mom’s have already had their babies (25 to be exact, out of how many, I have no idea) and they post these pictures of these little babies, and I find it extremely hard to comprehend that that little baby was just inside that mother’s womb.  I try to picture my little baby inside of me, and I.Just.Can’t.  I know that once I see my baby I’ll wonder how in the world that it came from inside of me.  I suppose that’s why life is such a miracle.  You know it happens, you see it happen, but you still question its possibility.  To know that God had a special hand in making every single cell, fiber, wrinkle, and little hair on my baby assures me that everything is going to be ok.

Question of the Week:

Alright ladies, I'm in need of your opinions, help, advice, input, etc...

I had my last growth ultrasound yesterday and baby is already more than 8 pounds, I don't remember the exact number, as I know the ultrasound can be off by a pound, but baby is BIG.  And will gain another 1/2 a pound for the next 3 weeks.  Right now the doctor doesn't want me going to my due date (5/17), and I'm currently set to be induced on the evening of May 13th (I'll be 39 weeks 4 days at that time).  Yesterday the doctor offered me the option of doing a scheduled c-section once I hit 39 weeks (5/10). 
The main risk with having both a diabetic mom and a big baby is shoulder dystocia, which is why the doctor wants to do the c-section.  Although the risk is small (less than 10%) shoulder dystocia could put my baby's life at risk. 
I honestly don't know what to do.  I left the doctor's office yesterday feeling so overwhelmed.  In the past I've heard of women feeling "less of a woman" when they couldn't deliver vaginally and ended up with a c-section, and I never really understood that feeling, until yesterday.  I feel like my body has failed me, and isn't doing what it was built to do: deliver a baby vaginally.  For me it is a hard pill to swallow that this may not happen.
We have a meeting tomorrow with our doula, and that'll definitely help and will give me another opinion, and I truly hope to have a decision made my this weekend, if anything for my own sanity. 
I know a lot of mom's who have had c-sections, and wouldn't do it any other way.  Same goes with mom's who have had both a vaginal birth and a c-section, and would chose a c-section over a vaginal birth. 
I hate the idea of the recovery time involved with a c-section, along with it possibly affecting my milk supply, as I really want to breastfeed.  I really envisioned having that instant skin on skin experience with my baby and having a vaginal birth. 
Right now I hope and pray (I've done lots of praying over the past 24 hours) that baby will come on its own between now and 5/10, and that the decision will be made by baby and not me. 
But now I just don't know what to do with the potential options that I do have if baby doesn't come between now and then.  I do know that the decision is ultimately mine to make, and that each and every birth is different.  But I would truly appreciate your thoughts and input as I try to make this decision.
So ladies: I ask:
C-section or vaginal birth?

The Baby's Room

The baby's room: Check!!!

I officially finished the baby's room a couple of weeks ago.  It was done prior to that, it just wasn't organized.  Now I'm happy to report that everything is put away and as a spot where it belongs.  The only thing missing is Baby Sweat.

The theme is "You are My Sunshine".  Gray and white, with lots of yellow accents.  As I've stated before Chris did all of the work.  I love it, and can't wait to get to know this little one in its room.

Small Details: hung above the closet: this sign we purchased over Thanksgiving in Kearney.  "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  Psalm 139:14

Small Details: hung above the crib: i love this cross my cousin Kari found.  Fits with the room perfectly.

Pregnancy Week 28 - 34

Baby Sweat @ 29w5d ~ this is probably one of my favorites.  It's Baby Sweats nose, lips, and chin, with a hand/arm covering up the rest of the face.  Simply adorable.

Baby Sweat yawning @ 29w5d

Baby Sweat profile @ 29w5d ~ 3/5/14

Week 28: 2/23 – 3/1 (eggplant)

Hello 3^rd trimester!  Time is flying by.  I had my first birth dream this week.  I was at the hospital in labor and out you came with the doctor’s announcement: It’s a BOY!  I’m completely confused by what you are (boy or girl) and can’t wait to find out. 

Week 29: 3/2 – 3/8 (acorn squash)

You are now waking me up in the middle of the night!  Like clockwork I usually feel you around 4:30am – 5am.  I feel like this will be one of your future feeding/bonding times.  March is jam-packed month full of preparation for baby. This week we’ve taken the hospital tour, interviewed pediatricians, and went to an all day Express Birth Class.  We also got to see you at another ultrasound!  You are getting big and weighted in at 4 pounds 4 ounces.  The specialists (again) won’t look at my blood sugar numbers, and we are now contemplating switching doctor’s.  This feels me with lots of different types of emotions as we are only 10 weeks away from meeting you!

Week 30: 3/9 – 3/15 (cucumber)

We had our make it or break it doctor appointment on Wednesday.  We were at the doctor’s for more than 3 hours, and thankfully got all of our questions answered, and have decided to stay where we are.  It’s just beyond frustrating, and I can’t help but think “If I only knew”.  But this is the first time I’ve gone through this, so I really didn’t know any better, but now I do know better for a possible next time.  I also took a baby/child CPR class.

Week 31: 3/16 – 3/22 (pineapple)

Two big events this week.  I’ve officially started insulin.  My husband is again a rock star giving it to me when he can, so I don’t have to.  I know this is best for baby (and me), but I’ll be super thankful once this pregnancy is over to stop this medication.  Secondly is a second Denver baby shower!  Right now a good night’s sleep is hard to come by, and at this point in time I feel that it will be for the next 18 years.  Baby likes to wake me up, and it’s super difficult for me to move and get comfortable.

Week 32: 3/23 – 3/29 (squash)

I’m officially uncomfortable.  And baby likes to put pressure “down there” which I really don’t appreciate.  I definitely took for granted the ease of just moving around.  Getting up off the couch or adjusting in bed, now seems like a chore.  We took our Baby Care class this week, just in time for Chris to go out of town for some work training.  I’m super thankful that my mom flew in to cover his absence. 

Week 33: 3/30 – 4/5 (durian fruit)

We had a growth ultrasound today, baby is a little more than 6 pounds, and in the words of our doctor a “squirmer” and doesn’t hold still.  I’m getting highly emotional thinking about babies arrival.  I physically feel ready for baby to leave my body, but emotionally and mentally I’m nowhere near ready, although I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready for the “Mom” role. 

Week 34: 4/6 – 4/12 (butternut squash)

I don’t know what’s going on but I don’t feel good.  I pretty much slept all day Sunday, we left the house to go to breakfast and Target, and again to church.  Thankfully Sunday was my last day volunteering to do the tech service for the 505.  I had body aches and chills.  As ready as I am for this pregnancy to be over with, I feel like baby needs some more time cooking.  I experienced my first round of contractions, and found that a warm bath does wonders and gives me a good nights sleep (for the most part).

The Bassinet

Baby Sweat will hopefully spend his or her first 6-8 weeks in a family bassinet.  I first heard about this bassinet when I became pregnant, and at first mention I didn't really want anything to do with it.  But when Chris and I were in Albuquerque for Christmas we went to go see the bassinet, that was in my Aunt Patti's storage unit at the time.  I liked the simple look and functionality of it, and knew where it would fit in our bedroom (perfectly right next to my side of the bed).  Then I became intrigued by its history.  My Aunt Patti at the time mentioned that my Grandpa Egan got this bassinet from an old military hospital and majority of his kids (my aunts and uncles) had slept in the bassinet as newborns, along with all of us cousins (myself included).  The last person to use the bassinet was my 2nd cousin Aidan, who will be 13 in September.
I reached out to a few of my aunts with the hope of putting its history together, but like time often does, the stories are mixed. 
One version starts in Rocksprings, Wyoming in 1945, where the brown bassinet was given to my Grandparents, as the hospital was getting all new bassinet as the time.
Another version starts in Bauxite, Arkansas in 1944, where Grandpa Egan purchased the green bassinet at a military surplus store. 
Regardless, the bassinet itself is nearing 70 years of age! Whether the bassinet was acquired in Wyoming or Arkansas, the other states it has traveled to are: Utah, New Mexico, Texas, and Colorado. 
The bassinet is all metal, on wheels, and the top "basket" can be removed.  I'm thrilled to be using this for Baby Sweat, and to know that we will share in this piece of family history.
Knowing that this piece of furniture has cared for up to 16 babes, I know it'll keep Baby Sweat safe and blessed as it sleeps at night.
I'm also thrilled to be keeping alive a piece of furniture that my Grandpa Egan used.  My Grandpa Egan was the ultimate non-waster.  He didn't waste anything.  And I'm sure he would be proud that a piece of furniture he got approximately 70 years ago is still in use and cared for today.