Tuesday, July 11, 2017

the week before Thanksgiving

telling Chris at the end of our photos Photo courtesy Ashley Marie

To my Dear Angel Baby Glory,
I love you and I think about you everyday.
Love, Your Mom

In the mist of moving and starting my LuLaRoe business something heavy has been on my heart since November.
At the beginning of November I found out I was pregnant.  It was a huge surprise, but man I immediately fell in love with this baby and being a family of 5.  I also knew right away something was wrong.  The line on my pregnancy tests were super faint, and rather than getting darker over time the line got more faint.  I made an appointment with the OB and for about 3 weeks everything was normal.  I told Chris as a surprise during our fall family photos out at White Sands, and everything seemed to be good.  I remember telling my friend Andrea and her first thought was: I wonder where this baby will be born?   I too, had the same question.  As at that time we had no idea we would end up back in Colorado.  On Monday November 14, 2016 Helena had a Thanksgiving playdate at our friend Laura's house, and I remember feeling so exhausted and tired.  We had plans for later that day to drive Chris to El Paso to fly to work (I can't remember why we were taking him).  That afternoon when we got home we loaded the car and headed to El Paso.  I remember not having any appetite so I grabbed some raspberries to eat on the drive.  Not even 5 minutes into the drive Helena got sick.  Chris pulled over and I got out to see the damage.  There was throw-up everywhere.  It was horrible.  I knew immediately we wouldn't be able to drive 90 minutes to El Paso with Helena covered in vomit.  So we turned around.  Chris immediately got Helena out and in the bath.  While I bathed Helena, Chris tried his best to clean the carseat.  I can't remember if Helena continued getting sick, but I know at one point in time Chris got sick.  He rescheduled his flight for later that day.  Then later I got sick.  I called my mom not knowing how I would handle a sick household by myself.  Thankfully my mom was able to come to the rescue (again!) and come down.  That night after the kids were sleeping I told her I was pregnant.  The next couple of days went on like normal.  Tuesday was MOPs, and at the beginning they always ask if anyone has a pregnancy announcement.  I knew it was too early for the announcement, but I desperately wanted to share my new joy.  On Wednesday my mom left.  I had plans to meet my friend DeeDee that evening for dinner at Chili's for a MOPs fundraiser.  While at dinner I could feel it.  Once we got home my suspicions were confirmed.  I was bleeding.  I was bleeding a lot.  I didn't know what to do and immediately filled two tampons.  After doing some research on miscarriages I learned it's not a good idea to use tampons (duh!, but that's all I had).  By this time it was late (I can't remember if the kids were sleeping, yet or not), so I used what I could: one of Bennett's diapers.  I felt so alone.  The whole thing was just disheartening.  I also had the worse back labor.  It obviously wasn't full on labor, but I was in so much pain.  And being all by myself, I was just scared and sad.  I called my OB the next morning, and made an appointment Friday morning to get my levels checked before heading to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving week.  Friday November 18, morning I passed the baby, we had a moment, I cried and sent my baby to heaven.  I got my levels checked again while I was in Albuquerque, and by Monday (the Monday before Thanksgiving) I got confirmation that my levels were decreasing.  And by the week after Thanksgiving it was confirmed by the doctor that I had indeed miscarried.  The whole process was so drawn out and exhausting.  I confided in a few friends, but overall it was a very lonely time.  I was almost 7 weeks along.
In March I went to this women's group at a local church, while we were singing this verse really stuck out to me.  I can't remember it but it had the word "glory" in it, and that really pulled on my heart.  I immediately named our baby Glory.  I know that Glory is up in heaven looking down on my sweet little family.  I say nightly prayers with Helena and also mention our Angel Baby Glory.  And she repeats me, and always prays for Glory too.  My due date was yesterday.  I think about the course my life as taken.  And I wonder where we would be had my baby stuck.  Because I don't think had I stayed pregnant that Denver would have been a possibility.  If anything, not in the time that it all came together, because I don't think moving at 39 weeks would have been a good idea.  So who knows.  I do know I miss my baby.  And I know that I'll always wonder what a family of 5 would have looked like.  It's so weird thinking I should have a newborn right now.  That Bennett should be a big brother.  But I know what the Lord is doing, and I know He has lead me to where I'm suppose to be.  If anything, I feel blessed having this baby look down on me, and to be their protecting Helena and Bennett.