Feelin' Gutsy

Long time no blog!!!

Holy moly, it's been a minute.  Sometimes I miss the days of my blog of no big content, and just rambling.  Rather now, it seems a blog only happens for significant things.  Hence this post.

I've had something pretty heavy on my heart for awhile now, and that little gold barbie has inspired me to share it.  Behind that gold barbie is an amazing tribe of moms.  Today was the last day of MOPs for the (school) year.  MOPs entered my life when I moved to Alamogordo.  When we moved I wasn't in a good (mental) place, and knew I would need to find my "people".  And MOPs didn't disappoint.  The ladies of that MOPs group are still a huge part of my life.  Granted, I no longer see them, or rarely talk to them, but I pray for them and think of them just about daily (you ladies of Alamogordo MOPs know who YOU are). 
When we moved back to Colorado, I joined Red Rocks Arvada MOPs.  And these ladies are just wonderful.  Being part of a mom tribe, it's so comforting, because they just get IT.  There is no explanation, no judgement; just a heartfelt smile and hug.  This Mom gig is hard.  And for some crazy reason we try to do it by ourselves, until life gives in and God invented MOPs!  Praise the Lord!!! 

This year's MOPs theme was Free Indeed.  It was about being free of the burdens you hold, letting go and being yourself.  Being Gutsy, and just letting it ALL OUT. 
That's what this post is all about.  Not sunshine and rainbows, but the horrible storm clouds we all go through.  I've had this post in my head for so long, who knows how the words will come out, but it's time for me to let it go.  I've hesitated writing this post, because I don't really have a conclusion.  Because this journey is far (like super far) from over, so who knows how it will end. 
I think my main goal is just to start the conversation.  End the sigma. 

Back in January at a MOPs meeting, we talked about being Gutsy.  Going first.  To share whatever we wanted to share.  And I did just that.  I shared that in April of last year I tried to kill myself.  That my depression had gotten the worse of me, that I truly believed this world would be better off without me.  That Chris would re-marry, find a new mom for my kids.  And that the world would go on and everything would be fine; if not better.  I spent 4 nights in the hospital; one night in the ICU, and 3 nights in mental health.  Prior to this happening, when Bennett was a newborn (Bennett was 11 months old when this happened) I had tried seeking help.  Being in a small down, the resources were slim, and the 2 (or 3, I can't remember now) therapist that I saw, didn't really want to talk to me, they just wanted to put me on some drugs.  And I didn't want to be drugged.  I just wanted someone to talk to about my issues and feelings.  ...and now looking back, I probably did need drugs.  Once Chris started traveling (when Bennett was 4 months old) and we had no idea where our lives were going to go.  My anxiety went through the roof.  I wanted to know where we were going to go, and when.  Through all of this, my biggest lesson about myself, is that I CRAVE stability.  I literally NEED stability to survive.  As the months went on without any direction, I took the driver seat.  I never wanted to leave Colorado, so back to Colorado we would go.  I put the wheels in motion, and whenever I would try to plan something Chris would put the brakes on it.  There were many many arguments about our move.  But I was literally going crazy.  Hence my hospitalization.  I was at my lowest of low.  I can remember all the details of that day.  It was a Friday, and we had had such an amazing morning.  I for whatever reason even took a shower and put on makeup.  It was suppose to be a good day. 
The days in mental health at the hospital were horrible.  I couldn't see my kids, and we only were allowed visitors twice a day.  It was scary and boring.  I wanted out as soon as possible. 
Once I got out I of course saw a therapist who couldn't even talk to me for an hour about why I was there.  We literally sat in complete silence a few different times throughout the session.  It was a joke.  Chris and I did see another therapist a few times, but no big revelation happened.  And who knows if that's what I'm expecting, but I guess I know there are some issues with us, and things from my far far past (pre-Chris and pre-marriage) that I feel I need help with.  That no therapist seems to care enough to spend time on.  It's beyond frustrating. 
Then we moved back.  And I started seeing a therapist here.  I saw her a handful of times before Chris lost his job (and insurance) at the end of September. 
We started recently seeing someone again, but again it's like there is this dead air.  No therapist seems to want to invest in the fact that I literally tried to kill myself, and get into the depths of the horrible things that go on in a persons brain to actually make an attempt.  Hopefully that makes sense. 

I also know mental health is not on the priority list for caregivers, or trying to seek help.  But this system is broken.  Even though my attempt was more than a year ago, I still need help.  And finding GOOD help just about seems impossible.  I by no means don't feel "cured".  Granted, I no longer have suicidal thoughts, but I know I still have deep issues to work out.  And I want to work out those issues.  I need resolution.  Is it weird to feel that I want that resolution with the help of a therapist.  With someone I feel, actually cares?!  There is this black hole around mental health, and I have no idea how to fix it, but it needs fixed. 
Phew. 
That's it.
My big dark secret. 
Out.

I feel like I have come along way since last April, and putting my focus onto other things.  Obviously loving on my kids something fierce everyday is a great focus.  And I get to put my creative outlet into LuLaRoe, which has been a huge blessing. 
I feel so lucky and loved by my tribe.  Those who are part of it, know who you are, and I THANK YOU from the deepest part of me. 

Coming Home

I've been collecting these boxes since August!

Who knows what it is about Colorado.  When I first moved to Denver it was July 1, 2002.  I was 22 and for the most part moved on a whim.  I would tell people and still tell people that "it's close to home but away from home".  And when you are 22 the last place you want to be is where you grew up.  So I jetted off to Denver, 450 miles away from my parents house.  There was one small moment in time when I thought about leaving Denver the 13 years I lived there.  I knew I didn't want to go back to Albuquerque, but didn't know where to go, so I stayed in Denver.  Leaving Denver 19 months ago was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  But knew it had to be done.  And never did I think that after we left would we be back.
Well we are coming back!  I'm super excited and nervous.  This move has been a long time coming. I've been thinking about moving almost daily since Chris came home and told me that he no longer had his job at the hospital here, which was back in August.  Because I'm such a planner I immediately thought of the next big holiday: Christmas.  And I would ask myself, I wonder where we are going to be for Christmas?  Then when Christmas came and went I focused on the next big deadline: our lease expiration.  Our lease expired at the end of April.  I would wonder what will come first?: Moving or our lease expiring?  With no real job prospect for Chris I soon realized that our lease would be expiring before any big move.  And since the lease was the only thing keeping us here I immediately thought: Lets just move back to Denver.  Which is what we are doing.  It's been a LOT of back and forth for Chris and I, but we finally have things set in stone.  We are buying a house in Thornton that is a very similar layout to our previous house and close on June 30th!
It's all very overwhelming because never did I think we end up where we left.
When we visited Colorado last month driving over the state line and into Colorado I got so emotional.  I felt home.  I felt this is where I'm suppose to be.  We looked at houses while we were there but didn't make an offer.  I left Colorado devastated.  Planning yet another version of my life.  Once Chris and I got on the same page we decided to put an offer an a house that we saw while we were there.  Which in all honesty tells me something was meant to be with this house, because after being on the market for almost 3 weeks it was still available (in the Denver market houses are usually only on the market for about a week).  And that is the house we are buying!
It's crazy that we left Colorado as a family of 3 and are now moving back as a family of 4.  What I'm most looking forward to in all of this is not moving again.  I'm not one to move around, and this unstability has not been good for me.  My mental and emotional self are not good right now, and have been in the worse shape they have ever been in.  I'm looking forward to just feeling settled and getting a routine.  It'll be a welcome change because I haven't really felt settled since August.
For the time being Chris will still be traveling back and forth to Sacramento for work, but we definitely have a goal to get him home and living with us full time!  But at least this way he only has to drive 30 minutes to the airport (compared to 90 minutes to drive to El Paso) and will have a non-stop flight.
I myself will also have to go back to work, and I have some things up and coming in that department too!  For now I'm working on all the logistics of this move.  First is finding a good moving company because I don't want to experience what we experienced last time!  So if you have any recommendations: please share!

Motherhood and Life

I've been thinking a lot of Motherhood lately.  Especially now that I'm current in a rut.  A really bad, depressive, anxiety-filled rut.  I've been wondering why motherhood is so hard.  Right now Helena is in full on terrible two stage, and I'm mentally preparing because I hear 3 is worse.  But then I feel guilty...why always (ALWAYS) with the mom guilt?!  Because in some aspects Helena is amazing and loving and perfect just how she is.  She's just 2.  I wish I could bring myself to remember that during the moments of frustration, the moments of yelling, the moments of repeating myself over and over and over and over again.  I feel bad when she wants to hang on me, and kiss and cuddle on me when we are eating dinner.  When I ask her for the thousandth time to not play on Bennett's toys.
For me life right now is in limbo.  We have an action plan, and we'll definitely be out of Alamogordo no later than 6/1.  Possibly 5/1.  No confirmation as to where, which is where my anxiety comes in.  Chris and I are trying our best to take control of the "where" but when it comes down to it we'll have to entertain any location where a job is offered.  For now Chris continues to work in Northern California 4 days a week.  He leaves at 3am Monday morning, and arrives back home around 11pm Thursday night.  The cycle is horrible.  Sunday night usually ends with me having a break down and expressing my feelings that I can't continue like this anymore.  As of right now there is no end in sight for this schedule and that also leaves me anxious.  We've been living this way since September.    As grateful I am that Chris as a job, I want our family to be living together full time again.
Then Monday is another hard day.  I usually have another break down around 5pm, just because that's the normal time I would expect Chris home.  Knowing I have 4 nights all by myself just depresses me.  This week as been especially hard because I currently have 2 sick kids.  Helena has been sick with a bad cough and cold since last weekend, and just yesterday Bennett has gotten a runny nose.  And now I have a runny nose.  The good side of the sickness?  Both kids are taking naps.  Which has given me the opportunity to catch up on TV and writing this post.  I've been doing laundry all week because our dryer sucks and is taking 3 hours to dry a load.  Plus we've been out of the house everyday this week, which has helped the time past.  Monday: I can't remember (I think Wal-mart?).  Tuesday: MOPs.  Wednesday: Bennett's 9 month well.  Thursday: Highlander oil change.
It's hard when your days are full but then at the end of your day you can't remember a single thing you did.  As a Mom I feel like the most underappreciated task of each day is the simple ending of keeping you and your kids alive.  Not that the opposite is an option, but I truly feel like I've done something right when at the end of the day my kids are sleeping soundly in their beds.  Plus raising kids is hard.  Not only am I trying to raise human beings, I'm trying to raise human beings that are nice, respectful, sweet, funny, courageous, loving, and opinionated.  That takes the task to a whole other level.
Right now I can't leave Bennett alone.  He's mobile, and he is fast.  So if I want a simple moment to go to the bathroom or forbid take a shower, he's got to be either in the pack 'n play, walker, highchair, or crib.  And Helena.  This girl as an attitude.  She's bossy and I hate that she gets her mad-tone from me.  She doesn't eat, and mealtime is usually the time of day I least look forward to.  She gets into everything.  She takes her step-stool all over the house and gets up to grab anything and everything.  She's exhausting.
I'm in constant state of wondering if I'm doing this right. I think the biggest thing about being a mom is you are immediately emerged in it.  Sure you have 9 months to prepare, but nothing prepares you for being a mom until that baby actually exits your body.  I was thinking about what I could compare it to, and the closest thing that came to mind was getting a new job.  But there are some obvious (and big differences).  When you start a new job.  You get training.  You get help.  You get support.  You get the ask questions.  You get 8 hours of sleep.  You get to go home after 8 hours.  Usually when I start a new job I dream about that job.  In my mind that's my why of processing the day, soaking up what I learned.  I've never dreamed about my mom-job.  And I think that's because becoming a mom is everything all at once.  You don't get training.  You don't get help.  You don't get support.  You don't get to ask questions.  You are sleep deprived while doing this new "job".  Your job is 24/7.   Now, of course you do get some help and some support, but for the most part you are just immersed in caring for a newborn.  The expectation is that everything needs to work.  And it's so hard.  You don't recognized for "working" and you don't get paid!  All I know is that this momma needs a break.

2016 Year in Review

2016 Christmas card

Our Christmas card this year read:
We've been in Alamogordo, NM for a year now, and will be moving soon, although location is TBD.
Chris enjoys working for Aramark and works incredibly hard for our family.
April still blogs and sells Younique.  She has connected with lots of moms and enjoys MOPS.
Helena (2.5y) potty trained herself over the summer and is a great big sister.  She is always asking what we are doing next!
Bennett blessed us on 4/25 and is a very happy baby!  He laughs and laughs and doesn't take his eyes off of Helena.
We are looking forward to the blessings 2017 will bring!

~~~

Now that the year is officially over and I look back on it, 2016 was a hard year.  I didn't want to move and I still think about Denver almost daily.  It's incredibly hard for me to not think that moving here was a mistake.  Mainly because we moved here for Chris's job.  Well Chris only had his job for 10 months.  And when everything is said and done, he'll just about be traveling more for his job, than the amount of time he actually had a job in Alamogordo.  Hopefully that makes sense.  If I would have known, I would have much preferred to stay in Denver, and have him travel back and forth from Denver to Alamogordo.  I know it's horrible to look back because you can't change the past, but when I look back on 2016 I just wish we would have never moved. 
But then that brings me to the positives of this year.  One of course, being Bennett. Having my son.  A huge part of me feels that moving to Alamogordo resulted in me getting my VBAC with Bennett.  Mainly because I feel had we stayed in Denver, I would have most likely stayed with my doctor that delivered Helena and that she would have eventually convinced me to have a section.  Moving forced me to find a provider to give me a shot and something I really wanted.  In that aspect I'm thankful for the move.
Another amazing pro about this small town are all of the amazing friends I've made.  I have some great friends.  Finding friends was super important to me, and one reason why I jumped right in and got involved immediately after moving here.  And I'm so glad that I did.  From MOPs, to book club, Bunco, Moms Night Out, playdates, library activities, to being on the leadership with MOPs, all of it has kept me sane.  These women get me, and are truly there for me and offer there support constantly even though they have their own lives and children to take care of.  I feel extremely blessed that knowing when I leave here I'm taking some amazing friendships with me. 
Lastly, I hate how this year ended.  We have so much up in the air.  And that is just a huge weight on my shoulders.  I want to know where we are going to live.  I hate that Helena's 3rd birthday will be (most likely) in a 3rd different state compared to two previous birthdays.  I want to feel settled.  And I feel like we've been unsettled since September. The uneasiness is not good for me. 

~~~

What did you do in 2016 that you had never done before?  Gave birth vaginally!  It was amazing.  Went out of my comfort zone and asked for help from almost total strangers, that are now friends.  

What moments from 2016 will remain etched into your memory?  Giving birth.  Holding Bennett.  Creating daily moments everyday where I just hold Helena tight.  Helena potty training herself.  Driving home for the pediatrician and having to pull over to take a phone call from the pediatrician to hear bad news about Bennett.  

What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Taking care of my two kids and myself.  

What was your biggest failure?  Binge eating, and gaining weight.

Did you make any resolutions?  Did you keep them?  Yes and no.

Did you suffer illness or injury?  I still remember how sick I got when I was 38 weeks pregnant.  It was so bad.   

What was the best thing you bought?  I would have to say all of my LuLaRoe stuff!

What were your favorite photos of 2016?  This is always so hard, but I tried to pick pictures I had previously put focus on.

January 2016

February 2016

May 2016 my short breastfeeding journey

May 2016

June 2016

July 2016

September 2016

September 2016 ~ Chendra's visit

October 2016

November 2016

Christmas morning 2016

What did you get really, really, really, excited about?  Chris planning a weekend away.  What was our anniversary trip to Taos, NM.

What song will always remind you of 2016?  Can't Stop the Feeling by Justin Timberlake

What was the best food discovery of 2016?  Probably accepting that cooking isn't all that bad.

What do you wish you'd done more of?  Blogging, watching what I ate, finding time to work out.

What do you wish you'd done less of? Losing my patience with Helena.

What was your new favorite TV show?  This is Us and Notorious.

What was the best book you read?  I only read one book this year: Room.

What was the best film you saw this year?  Moana

What did you want and get?  A life in Alamogordo.

What did you want and not get?  A move back to Denver.

What's something you fell in love with?  My son.

What kept you sane?  My husband, mom, and all my friends.

Who was the best new person you met?  My son.

What was a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016?  To not keep things inside.  To talk about things. 

not this year

I gotta be honest, I am not in the holiday spirit this year.  After we returned home from spending Thanksgiving in Albuquerque we put up the tree and the decorations.  My main motivation to decorate the house was to put me in the holiday spirit.  I was hopefully that the decorations would put me out of this funk.  To enjoy my house at Christmastime.  But it unfortunately had the opposite effect.  In fact I feel like it has made me down right depressed.  I'm sad because this house isn't our "home" and I just want to spend Christmas in a place that is home.
My family is going through a huge transition as Chris is currently working in Northern California 4 days a week (it was previously Houston) and daily I'm wondering where we will be living.  I didn't really do Christmas gifts this year and I'm lucky to have gotten Christmas cards out and mailed. Monday's are always the hardest because Chris leaves super early on Monday mornings.  I have a break down every Monday usually around 5pm when I would normally expect him home.
This back and forth isn't good for our family.  Back in August when Chris was told the Aramark contract at the hospital here in Alamogordo would end early I immediately thought we would be spending Christmas someplace else.  That Chris would have found a permanent job by now and we would have moved.  And as for right now we'll be doing this back and forth thing through February.  It's hard because I see no point in living in Alamogordo.  If I would have known Chris would have only had his job here for 8 months we would've never moved.  And now everything is back up in the air.  The only reason we are still here is because we have a lease to fulfill through the end of April.  If we don't have anywhere to go by then the kids and I will most likely move in with my parents.  Which I hate the idea of doing.  I like to feel settled and I feel like we've been unsettled since Chris got fired for the first time back in July 2013.  All of it just makes me sad and frustrated.  And now we have to drive to Kearney, NE for Christmas.  And getting from one small town to another small town, well there is just no easy way to get there.  I'll have to do all of the driving, which I don't like to drive.  Who knows what the driving conditions will be like, and we'll stay overnight in the middle of nowhere Kansas halfway there to break up the drive.  It's just a lot.  Overall I'm just sad that I'm sad this holiday season.  Usually I really enjoy Christmas and I wish this depression wasn't lingering over me because I want to enjoy this season with my kids and truly enjoy the present.  But often times I find myself crying and being sad, or just frustrated.
Then I feel guilty because truly the things I have to complain about aren't that bad.  And I have so many blessings around me.  I have two amazing kids that I get to stay home with.  As much as I write about my dislike for Alamogordo I've made a pretty good life here and I have some amazing friends.  We are close to my parents, who gratefully come down about once a month to see us.  So truly I shouldn't complain.  I just crave stability and I want a place to call home.

Family Update

 So much to cover! We went to the Alamogordo Fire Station last week to drop off baked goods, say Thank you for your service, and get a tour.  It was a lot of fun.  Helena got a nasty reaction to some mosquito bites on her face (in this picture you can see a red spot on the tip of her nose, the worst of it a few pictures down).
Have I mentioned that Helena is a rock star?!  My daughter has completely potty trained herself!  It started about a month ago now?!  Well let me back up.  We started putting her on the potty around her 2nd birthday (back in May) before her bath just to familiarize herself with it and would always congratulate her for just sitting on it.  Then more recently she would tell Chris in the middle of her bath (Chris does bath time) that she needs to go potty.  So Chris would always get her out and put her on the potty, ...but nothing.  Then about a month ago she went!  We were all excited!  After that she went potty in the middle of her bath almost nightly.  Then one day while I was doing laundry and Bennett was just waking up from his nap; Helena was playing in Bennett room entertaining him while he stayed in his crib and I folded laundry in the bedroom. Helena comes running into the bedroom naked from the waist down exclaiming that she went potty.  I immediately thought Oh Dear!  Where's the mess?!  So I ask Helena to show me where she went potty and she brings me into Bennett's room and she had brought out her Minnie Mouse potty that was put away in Bennett's closet!  ...we got the Minnie Mouse potty a few months ago, but she just played with it so we put it away.  Anyways, she peed in the Minnie Mouse potty!  From that moment on we said good-bye to diapers, and now only use diapers at bedtime (we eliminated the nap time diaper a couple of days ago).  She's amazing at telling us when she needs to go and has even pooped in the potty!, which happened completely unsolicited.  After she peed in the Minnie potty we brought it out into the living room for easy access and one evening she sat on the potty then stood up happily announced "mommy there's rocks in my potty?"  Again I thought Rocks?!  But it was poop!  She struggles the most in the mornings, so if there is an accident it's in the morning (but has never had a poop accident!).  Even driving back to Alamogordo on Tuesday she let us know she needed to go potty (even though she had a diaper on).  She takes advantage of the fact that we drop everything when she announces she needs to go potty, especially when we are out to dinner, and this makes it tough to eat, but she's just a rock star and I'm so proud of her!  Now the Minnie Mouse potty is put back away (who wants to clean that up?!) and we got a little seat for her toilet in her bathroom with ducks on it so she calls it her ducky potty.
In other Helena news, I miss her listening to me.  I swear we repeat ourselves all day long.  She'll ask a question, and I'll give an answer, and she just asks the same question and I give the same answer.  There used to be a time when she would easily eat her dinner and would do what I asked.  But that short phase is over.  She now doesn't want to eat unless you beg and she no longer thinks cleaning up her toys is fun.  She's so independent.
She sometimes wakes up crying and it's so sad because she can't fully communicate what's going on.  She had a super rough time going to bed about 3 weeks ago.  It was brutal.  She wouldn't sleep.  It lasted 3 nights and I'm so happy that it ended just as fast as it started.  But she'll still sometimes wake up crying.  I'll go into her room and hold her and ask her if she's ok.  She'll respond and say I'm ok.  I'll ask her what's wrong or what happened, and she says nothing.  Then I'll ask if she's ready to go back to bed.  And she goes ok, back to bed.  It's always short lived, I just wish she could tell me what's wrong.


 I am currently at the end of the Hair Lose Phase of post pardom (thank goodness), I seriously thought I was going to lose all of my hair.  I was losing hair for probably 6 weeks straight.  I'm thinking about becoming a doula.  During my pregnancy with Bennett I had thought about becoming a ultrasound tech, but now I think a doula might be a better fit.  Since Bennett is most likely our last baby, I've decided I need something to keep me around babies!
I'm so happy that MOPs is back and enjoy going to the meetings every other week, along with all the playdates.  One of the nice things about living her, is everyone has a different story.  Because Alamogordo is a military town everyone is from someplace else, and love hearing where people have come from and where they are going.

 Bennett has a clean bill of health!  We traveled to Albuquerque last week, and Bennett had an MRI on Tuesday (at 6:15am!) and his brain looks completely normal.  He was a rock star during the MRI (he didn't get put under) and the pediatric neurosurgeon repeated herself numerous times in saying Bennett is 100% healthy, and that he just has a big head.  Praise God!!!  Thank you all for your prayers!
He's sorta working on sitting up, and crawls like crazy on is back...he pushes himself all over the place, he really can't be left alone.  I call him a rolly poly because he also rolls and rolls all over the place!  He is still not a fan of tummy time.  He loves his big sister!  He hasn't shown any real interest in food so he hasn't had any food yet, he continues to love his bottle!
He laughs and laughs and is SO ticklish.  You tickle his belly or legs and he just giggles, it's so much fun!  He also loves the water and enjoys his nightly bath!
He's in 9 month clothing and overall sleeps really good.  I'm up with him maybe two or three times a week.



 Chris is currently looking for another job.  Back in August he was notified that the hospital is ending the Aramark (the company he works for) contract 120 early (which is mid-December).  He's working with Aramark recruiters to place him in another job, and they've said they'll continue to keep him on payroll until he does find another job.  So our family life is back up in the air.  I of course haven't handled this news well, in fact I'm scared out of my mind, but I'm working on praying and trusting God, and that He'll place us where we are suppose to be.  But I hate not knowing.  I really really really want to be back in Colorado.

Helena's swollen eye (we went to the doctor and got medicine and it is now almost healed completely)

Tuesday morning after Bennett's MRI

We're coming upon one year in Alamogordo (I have a whole post in mind for that).  I desperately want the weather to cool down...it's been in the 80's all week.

Recent Happenings

I feel the need to get some things off of my chest in regards to the horrific events that have happened in Orlando since Saturday night.

My pastor wrote and shared the above post and it really spoke to me.  The horrible shooting or any shooting for that matter sends chills down my spin.  My first thought is to my kids.  I realize that parents always have fears, but this just pulls at my heartstrings.  It's so easy to live in fear, as I realize anything can happen at anytime. But this.  This terrifies me.  I hate that one day I'll have to explain to my kids these types of events.  What do I say?  How do I explain?  Parenting is hard, but this.  I didn't sign up for this.
I think of the innocent lives lost.  Now it seems, that going out on a Saturday night for some fun and dancing, is now no longer just fun and dancing.  Just how going to the movies, is no longer just going to the movies.  Or attending school.  Why can't we be safe living our life?  I've watched the video of Anderson Cooper naming all 49 victims one by one, it's so sad.  All day Sunday I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't want to watch any coverage or hear anything about it. I remember on 9/11 watching all of the coverage.  I couldn't get enough of it.  It was like driving by a bad car accident.  I couldn't NOT look.  I had to know what was going on, I wanted to know all of the details.
But this time.  I didn't want to look.  I didn't want to know what happened.  I immediately went numb.  Who knows if it was because I was only 21 when 9/11 happened or the fact that an event like that was "new", and now I'm 36 and have kids, and events like this are now the "norm".  But I just don't want to know.  I purposefully didn't watch the news.  In fact I still haven't really watched a lot about it.  I don't care to know about the shooter or any of the those details.  My focus as been on praying. Praying for the families for those who lost someone and praying for those recovering in the hospital.

We truly are all the same.  In the words of Ellen "Be kind to one another."

New Year's Eve 2015 & 2015 Year in Review

New Year's Eve was low key.  We stayed home.  I made a yummy dinner of Green Chili Chicken Enchiladas and brownie sundaes.  We even let Helena in on the party.  She didn't take a bath and stayed up with us until past 9pm.  It was a lot of fun.  We flipped channels between year in review stuff and Dick Clarks Rockin' Eve.  We climbed into bed at around 11:30pm and cuddled, and kissed as the ball dropped and rang in 2016.  I'm pretty sure this is the first year Chris didn't fall asleep on my lap and it was a special experience to have him awake throughout the whole duration of New Years Eve!

Year in Review: 2015

What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before? Move somewhere I didn't want to move.

What moments from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory? Returning from Florida to have Chris tell me he lost his job.  Going into my bosses office 4 weeks pregnant to find out I'm getting laid off.  That Friday morning reading Andrea's text announcing her pregnancy and feeling sad I wasn't pregnant, just to find out 3 days later, I am indeed pregnant.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Trying to be as relaxed as possible through so many unexpected life changes.

What was your biggest failure? Being inpatient with my husband.

 Did you suffer illness or injury? My horrible back sprain over 4th of July weekend.

 What was the best thing you bought? A "Love at First Sight" sonogram frame for baby boys room.

What were your favorite 3 photos of 2014?

Helena and Chris' Baptism ~ January 2015

Helena's First Birthday party ~ May 2015

Playdates with Grayson ~ October 2015

What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Being pregnant.

 What song will always remind you of 2014? "Hello" by Adele.

 What do you wish you’d done more of? Blogging.

What do you wish you’d done less of? Not communicating.

 What was your favorite new TV show?  I didn't watch anything new.

What was the best book you read? I definitely want to read more in 2016.

 What did you want and get? To be a stay at home mom.

 What did you want and not get? I didn't want to move.

What's something you fell in love with? My son.

 What was your family's favorite kid's book? The Bible.  Any Pookie book.  Tickle Me book.

What kept you sane? My husbands patience, my mother-in-laws food, my mom's cleaning.  And texting with Andrea. (this is the same as my 2015 answer).  I'm thankful that some things didn't change!

 Who was the best new person you met? Probably new Alamogordo friends.

 What was a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015? I plan, and God laughs. 

What I Miss

just a cute picture from today

We've been in Alamogordo for a month now.  fastest month ever.  I've been thinking a lot about what I miss about Denver, and what I don't miss about Denver. 
I miss a lot.

I miss the unlimited dining options.  We spontaneously drove to Las Cruces (an hour away) on Saturday and we got so excited because they had a Red Lobster and a Olive Garden!!!  It was so exciting.  Seriously. 

I miss the quick trips to King Soopers.  We live on the southern end of town, on the golf course.  Everything is near by, but King Soopers was 3 minutes away from my house in Thornton.  The nearest grocery store is the Super Wal-Mart which is 7 minutes away. Speaking of grocery stores, there are only 3 grocery stores here. 

I miss the sports energy.  Specifically the Bronco's.  Even though I only attended a handful of games I miss knowing that when the Bronco's played at home, they were only playing "down the street" ...about 15 miles south on I-25.  That energy is electric.  Along with that I miss everyone wearing Bronco gear.  The big team to follow here is the Cowboys (excuse me while I gag). 

I miss the unlimited resources.  The things to do, the places to shop.  I don't want to get into specifics right now, but there is only one OB in town, so even if I wanted a second opinion on this pregnancy, I would have to drive to either Las Cruces or El Paso to get it. 

Helena and I have kept busy, but the story time here at the library (there is only one) is geared more towards older kids, so there is no point in going.  The only indoor play area is at the McDonalds (again only one).  The parks aren't that great.  No splash pads for the summertime. 

No shopping.  The mall is laughable, also no play area in the mall.  No Target, no Hobby Lobby, nothing really.  If you can't get it at the Super Wal-mart, Amazon Prime it is (or so I've been told, I've never been a big Amazon shopper. I suppose that is about to change). 

You don't drink the water here.  The water here is gross.

I miss my gym.  There are a couple of gyms here, but I haven't even bothered checking them out.  Any gym won't be able to compare to what I've been used to for the past 7 years at Lifetime Fitness.   

I miss my house.  I desperately miss my house.  We closed on Monday.  And even though I feel like our chances of ending back up in Denver are pretty slim, I feel like maybe we should have just rented the house out, so had the right opportunity brought us back to Denver, we would have gotten our house back. 
I find myself constantly curious about what the weather is like in Denver.  And what's going on there. 
I don't miss the cold, yet.  But I do know I'll eventually miss the seasons. 

There are a few perks.  Since there is nothing, there is no traffic.  The speed limit is either 35 or 40, and you can get anywhere in about 7 minutes.  So runny errands is super easy, and quickly done.  Everyone is super nice.  There is no hustle and bustle and it's more laid back.  The sky at night is amazing.  No city lights, so the stars are super clear. 

Oops we did it...again!

I'm feeling very nostalgic today and now that we have our computer up and running and a sleeping baby taking a nap I'm going to write a post about my beautiful friend Andrea. 

Andrea and I met in March 2012.  I was newly engaged and planning my wedding and already feeling so overwhelmed.  I didn't know it at the time but I was yearning for a friend, a friend that would know exactly what I was going through.  Someone who could listen and know what I mean.  I truly believe that at that moment God sent me Andrea.  Andrea too was newly engaged.  I can't remember if she had her wedding date set yet?...which is one big difference between Andrea and I, but once I met her and she told me she was planning her wedding a wave a relief swooped over me.  We met at work, and her cubicle was near mine.  I was ease-dropping when I heard her say she was engaged, I immediately got so excited, my heart start racing, and I wanted to run over give her a huge hug and say: Oh My GOD me too!!!  But I kept my cool, I think I somehow introduced myself and engaged with her and the fact that I too was engaged. 
From there, I guess you could say the rest is history.  We planned our entire weddings together.  I knew her wedding "secrets", she knew mine.  We both stressed over little things and family drama.  She was the exact person I needed in my life, right at that time.  Our friendship was just meant to be.  I can't put it more simply than that. 
We both dealt with what I guess I'll call the "wedding blues".  The low that happens after your get married.  After the big "to do" of the wedding.  Basically we both had these weird issues going on during the first couple months of 2013.  I remember having breakfast with her on my birthday that year, and it was not a super happy time for either of us.  Again, it was so nice to have her there and to know that she could somewhat relate to what I was feeling at that time.  I got to see own relationship with God grow as Chris and I became more and more comfortable in our new church.
I remember going to her over the summer that year, being frustrated about not getting pregnant. 
Then I remember the day after Labor Day 2013, waiting for her to get to work (I always got to work before she did), and once she arrived I immediately IMed her "Hey, do you want to go for a walk."  Once past the first corner around our building I exclaimed "I'm pregnant!"  Her response was something like: "No fu*!ing way, me TOO!"  We took a short walk around the building, and I couldn't believe we were pregnant at the same time!  Feelings of this friendship being meant to be swooped over me once again.  We spent our whole entire pregnancy together.  Our due dates were 2 weeks apart (just like our weddings were two weeks apart).  It was truly magical.  Her due date came and went and I hade Helena at 39 weeks, so Grayson and Helena are just 5 days a part.  I remember going to meet Grayson when I was still pregnant (Grayson was 3 days old, I think?).  Andrea said how motherhood is so amazing, and how your newborn child just knows.  Knows that you are their mother, that you are their for them unconditionally.  It was a beautiful and profound statement that I still carry with me to this day. 
Having our babies together so close in age is something magical.  She truly knows exactly what I'm going through.  If I have a bad day, she can relate.  She can relate in the love and the beautiful moments of seeing your little being grow.  In the same time! 
Then this, then this happened:

At the beginning of August Andrea and Grayson were over for a playdate, I was telling Andrea how I pictured my life going over the next two years in regards to work etc... and I ended it by telling her in my perfect world we would be pregnant together again at the same time.  Andrea reacted like that was crazy and how the chances of that happening were slim to none.  I thought so too, especially since Andrea was hoping to get pregnant sooner rather than later, and I was planning on getting pregnant later.  I knew if anything our next baby's would be somewhat close, I figured maybe within 9 months of each other.  But now...our due dates are a day apart!  So we're going through it all again.  When I knew we were moving and I would think about Andrea and telling her we were moving, I would immediately get teary eyed.  I knew this friendship would be the most difficult to say good-bye to.  Thankfully our good-bye wasn't as emotional as I anticipated with busy toddlers around.  But I miss her and Grayson so much.  I truly appreciate how she just gets it.  And I appreciate that!  She understands when she texts and I don't respond for hours or sometimes days.  And I know that she understands when I don't respond right away. 
I'm sad that these two babies won't grow up and get to know each other like Grayson and Helena.  I'm sad that Grayson and Helena no longer have playdates. 
There are many differences between Andrea and I, in the way we plan, the way we parent etc...But we have these common threads that are irreplaceable.  It's this natural understanding that I love.
I know Andrea and I will stay in touch, but I also know it just isn't the same. 

Limbo in Limbo

Moving sucks.
Whether you are moving across the street or in this case 500+ miles, moving just plain sucks.  We've been preparing for this moving for the past 3 weeks.  I've been feeling a little lost as we have no routine and we've just been in limbo as we wait for the next big thing.  But we've been able to keep busy, clean the house, list the house, get out of the house for showings, pack up the house, etc...
Chris did the work to find a moving company.  He found a company and we had requested a move date of either 10/27 or 10/28.  We got a call on 10/27 advising us a truck would be here to load us up between noon and 5pm on 10/28.  On the morning of 10/28 we even got a call asking if we had heard from our driver and again confirming our driver would show up between noon and 5pm.  When we didn't hear anything by 1pm we called and were told there was a delay and that the soonest someone would come pick us up is Friday between noon and 5pm.  After hysterically crying...at this point in time we were ALL packed up and ready to go and complaining to numerous people we settled with the fact we weren't going to leave until Friday.  We unpacked our essentials, remade the beds, canceled the orders to cancel the internet and TV and just waited.  Friday morning we again received confirmation a driver would be here to pick us up between noon and 5pm.  By 2pm we actually heard from our driver and he advised he was 2 hours away from Fort Collins, he let us know he needed to unload a house in Fort Collins, and that load would take at least 6 hours to unload.  So by yesterday afternoon we knew we weren't going anywhere.  So again we unpacked and remade the beds.  Last night we got confirmation again from both a manager and the driver that we would be picked up by 10am this morning.  It is now almost 11am and nobody can get a hold of the driver.  We are...again ready to go.
I've never experienced anything like this before, and I never want to again.  Trying to keep Helena entertained while we literally stare at the front door waiting for a truck to pull up is exhausting.  I am exhausted.  I can't live like this much longer.  Chris as already advised his boss he will no be at this first day of work on Monday, and this worries me deeply.  Chris needs to keep this job, and as of right now who knows if he'll be in NM to show up to work on Tuesday.
Our limbo is literally in limbo.  We can't leave our house.  It's horrible.  I've cried so much over the past week and we're at the mercy of this horrific moving company.
I had hoped to be in Alamogordo by now so we could take Helena Trick or Treating in our new neighborhood to try and introduce ourselves and start to process of hopefully making some new friends.  And now, who knows if we'll be able to take Helena Trick or Treating at all.  ...something I was really looking forward to, regardless of location.

Happy Halloween everyone!

We did carve pumpkins last weekend while my parents were in town, it was something I wanted to make sure we did with Helena.  It was a super fun time.

where to start?

Big pumpkins!

My world

She's growing up!

fun at the park

i'm not too sure where to begin.  i have so much going on in my mind.  if i'm random and all over the place, i apologize in advance. 
our last full week in Denver has officially come to a close, and in my blogging mind i keep going back to a simpler time before i knew we would move.
at the end of september (right after we were in ABQ and Alamogordo {what's the abbreviation for Alamogordo?}) my mom and aunt deanna came up for a visit, for my aunt deanna to celebrate her birthday with her daughter; my cousin that lives in fort collins. 
we had a super fun time at a nursery down in Littleton where there was a big pumpkin contest.  these pumpkins were huge!  everyone had a great time. 
during that weekend we celebrated Chris' birthday, and i feel so bad, but i can't really remember what we did to celebrate.  this is the mush going on in my head.  i know majority of the time i want time to go fast and speed up to the next "big" thing that i'm anticipating.  lately i've been praying that the days slow down.

our house got under contract in less than 3 days.  we went on the market last friday (10/16) afternoon, and were under contract by monday afternoon.  we got 3 offers, two above asking price.  the inspection is tomorrow.  i'm telling myself that this all part of His plan, to show me that this is where we are suppose to go.  that had this happened 3 years ago, we wouldn't have been able to make it work because the market 3 years ago wasn't what it is today.  the fact that the selling of our house has been somewhat easy and non-stressful, is a sign that all the pieces are falling where they are suppose to. everything just seems surreal.  in the middle of all of this i still need to blog about the rest of Ocotober happenings:
Going back to ABQ for the Balloon Fiesta
Marty and Mary's visit and the Denver Zoo
Chendra babysitting: what will be our last date night.  Movie: Bridge of Spies and dinner: Rock Bottom.
Hanging out with Sarah Z and her kiddos
Swimming with  Sarah D and her little boy
Getting in play dates with Andrea and Grayson
Chopping off my hair
Having my parents come visit and family pictures
Dinner with Chris' old co-workers
What will most likely be our last Broomfield United Methodist Church service
Lastly, what was suppose to be the now postponed Janet Jackson concert

Stay tuned, hopefully I'll get to all of that!

A new Adventure?

The Sweat's are moving to Alamogordo, New Mexico.

It's not real, until it is real.  It's becoming more and more real.
My life is drastically changing and I'm still in denial about well, all of it.  There are a lot of positives that this move brings, but I'm just not ready to look at all of the good, until I am totally done grieving the things I'm losing (have lost), and that will probably be awhile.

We traveled to Alamogordo (about 3 hours south of Albuquerque) at the end of September for Chris to have an in person interview and to check out the town.  Similar to Albuquerque, Alamogordo is super spread out and dirty.  I wasn't impressed.  It's a military town of about 30,000 and near White Sands National Monument, and about 90 minutes north of El Paso, TX.  By October 1st we had decided to move.  We met with our pastor to discuss this move and all of the fears that I have...mainly Chris not being able to keep this job.  Pastor Ken advised to look at it as a adventure, just one of life's many curve balls.    Ultimately with me not having a job, and Chris not having a job, I feel like this is the right path for our family.   After lots of endless praying, I can't help but feel and hope that this door is opening for a reason.

I'm still grieving the loss of my job, although thankfully I've been super busy since being unemployed.  But having that security for 12 years I'm still going through an adjustment.
Now I'm grieving what I know I'm about to lose: my house.  I love my house.  Even though when we bought this house Chris knew there would be a time we would move again, I had a small dream that this house would be our forever home.  I knew I would want that "forever home" for my family, I'm used to that stability.  My parents still live in the only house I ever lived in, in Albuquerque.  I had hoped to provide that for Helena.  Now that is a dream I have to say good-bye to.
I'm losing my friends, my church, my gym.  It's a lot, and I don't want to go.

But.
Isn't there always a but?
I am gaining a lot.
With the cost of living being much cheaper in Alamogordo and Chris' new job, another dream of mine will become a reality.  I will get to stay home with Helena.  Obviously, this is huge, and I'm extremely grateful for this opportunity to get to stay home full time with my daughter.
We will also be much closer to family.  Being only 3 hours away from my parents, and majority of my extended family is a luxury I haven't had for the past 13 hours, and one that I know Helena will gain a lot from.
I'll be near other families with kids.  Since Alamogordo is a military town, I hope to be able to easily make new friends with Mom's who have kids.
It's only temporary.  Chris is working for Aramark a worldwide company, and his new employer knows he has no desire to live in southern New Mexico for the rest of his life, and ideally we want to end up someplace more metropolitan.

I never thought I would be moving back to New Mexico, let alone Alamogordo, New Mexico.  And although I know this is a step forward for our family, part of me feels like it is a step back.

I've been highly emotional and sobbing just about every single day.  Everything has been moving at lightening speed, Chris starts his new job 11/2.  Getting the house ready, seeing friends, it's been hectic and overwhelming.
There are so many things I'm going to miss about Denver.  I'm not even going to attempt to list it out as I don't want to start crying. 

where am i?

let me apologize about my lengthy absence.  there is a lot going on and i hope to get up to date soon.

i hate to be vague but for now i'll be keeping all of you in suspense! 

I'm Not Ok

my mom shared this today on FB it's sorta perfect.  Thanks Mom.

Ever heard of the expression “when it rains it pours”?  That’s my life right now.  Although I feel extremely blessed that there are only a few rare moments in my life when I’ve thought “when it rains in pours”.  This moment?  It is one of them.

I found out on Monday that I’m being laid off and that my last day of work is next Friday 9/4.  This news obviously doesn't mix well with what I wrote about here.

With everything going on I’m currently in the denial stage of grief and I feel like the verge of depression that's been creeping in me is about to take a full on nose dive.  I honestly have no idea what to do.  I feel like the last few days of my life have been fake, how else can it be explained, except for it didn’t really happen?  But it did.

My first thought goes towards Helena and the fact that she now has two unemployed parents.  To say I’m scared is an understatement.  The silver lining in all of this is I’ve been with this company for almost 12 years and I’m getting a somewhat decent severance package.  Let’s go back to that 12 year deal.  Twelve years, that’s a long time.  I’ve always been an extremely stable person, and a good employee.  I have extremely good work ethic so being without a job makes me uncomfortable.    When I got my first fulltime job at 19 I stayed with that company for almost four years, that’s a long time when you are 19.  Then I moved to Denver, the job I moved for laid me off after 6 months.  (the company went out of business.)  after that I was without a job for six months, I remember at the time I had never been without a job, but how all the pieces just worked out…the same month that I got laid off I got a roommate (so my rent was cut in half) and I paid off my car (so I no longer had a car payment).  Having those two big expenses off of my shoulders helped relieve me a little.  After searching for a job for six months I got a job as a assistant manager at the fine jewelry counter at Foley’s (which is now Macy’s).  I excelled at the management stuff and sucked at the selling jewelry part.  I can’t remember exactly how it happened but while I was working there I got connected with Qwest.  And well the rest is history.  I went from selling jewelry to working for the phone company.  And now we are at present day.  I’ve been through so many changes and transitions since I started working here.  From working on the phones, having my first real boyfriend, working in the Union, changing positions, previous lay offs, losing weight, meeting Chris, merging from Qwest to CenturyLink, getting married, having a baby, getting promoted.  A lot has changed personally and professionally.  Through it all one thing was consistent.  And now that identity is gone.  In a flash.  I get lost in all the elements that I give myself a headache. 

Chris as a lot of prospects and we hope to find something out soon, but I’m not going to lie, that doesn’t give me a lot of comfort.  I feel like I’m in limbo and I hate it.  I had a really good thing with CenturyLink, good benefits, good pay, good vacation time.  Now I have to start over.  I’ve been doing what I can do, and that is praying.  I’ve been praying a lot.  I know that God will take care of us and put us in the space that we need to be in, but I’m so damn scared.  So I ask of you blogland give me all the good stuff you can give!

Not so Rosey

gym time

I’m on the verge of depression.  And have been for the past couple of months.  Although this time it’s a different experience because there are days I’m completely happy and fine.  Which for me and my past with depression, it’s usually all or nothing.  Either I’m depressed or I’m not.  This time, I feel very back and forth.  And it's confusing.  Some days I think “I’m ok” “I got this” but then other days I just feel sad.  I feel like I’m in a horrible funk.  It’s weird and I don’t like it.

I have so much going on in my head.  The first big thing is Chris not having a job.  I feel like it is all on me.  Again.  As we enter the fourth month with him unemployed it is starting to take a toll on our marriage.  I feel it is unfair to have all this weight on my shoulders.  I also feel jealous that he gets to be home with Helena.  The change in lifestyle because we now just have one income, and we are still living life, but with that we are going through our savings pretty quick.  Thankfully there are lots of fun free summer activities in our area!  I just feel like we are behind and to get back to where we were will take a lot of time.  It’s frustrating to say the least. 

Then there is the planner in me.  And when your husband isn’t working you can’t really plan anything, all you can do is live day by day.  And I will say I need to do more of that: live day by day.  But I can’t erase that planner in me overnight.  I will say that I’ve done pretty good over the past 4 months.  But we are nearing the end of summer, the soon to be here holiday season, and let’s not forget the possibility of baby number 2.  That’s the other big thing.  I have some serious baby fever.  And behind Chris not having a job, making Helena a big sister is what’s second on my mind.  I tell myself things will work out, mainly because they have to.  I think that if I were to get pregnant it’ll be ok.  Heck, when I got pregnant with Helena Chris didn’t have a job then, and everything worked out fine.  So I know it will be ok, but I’m not gonna lie.  I wish this was a hurdle we didn’t have to jump.  Plus I’m worried.  I’m not too sure how to not worry in a situation like this.  And the worry doesn’t help with my mental state. 

One thing helping with my sanity is my gym time.  It gets me out of the house and my endorphins running.  A work-out immediately gets me out of my “funk”.  It’s my time to strictly focus on me.  Which as a mom, is huge!  With my back mostly healed (it’s still sore in the mornings) I’ve been back into the gym and completed my first Dance Jam while staying injury free!  I’ve challenged myself to work-out 8 times this month.  I look back to my life in 2009 and 2010 and 2011 (pre-Chris) when a normal month for me was 20 work-outs.  In fact I’m pretty sure the last time I worked out 20 times in a month was before I met Chris.   Since having Helena I’ve been averaging about 4 work-outs a month, only once a week.  I think going from 4 to 8 is a good increase and something I can build on over time.  I’ve even signed up to do a 5K at the end of the month.  I’m absolutely terrified of this and crossing the finish line last, but I’ve set out to do it, so it’ll get done! 

I suppose right now I’m trying to control the things that I can control.  I know going to the gym helps with my feelings of sadness and being depressed, so I hope that will motivate me and get back to overall health!  Physically, emotionally, and mentally. 

I know that things could be much much worse.  I get that, I do.  I have this amazing daughter that gives me such a bright light in my life, a loving husband, and a good and stable job, and overall health within me and my family.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t pray for things to change or to get better.  I suppose we feel things could always be better. 

Life happens during these types of growing pains (because regardless of what is going on in life, life always happens) and I’m looking forward to what will hopefully be a better outcome for me and my family.

she's my light