I’m on the verge of depression. And have been for the past couple of months. Although this time it’s a different experience because there are days I’m completely happy and fine. Which for me and my past with depression, it’s usually all or nothing. Either I’m depressed or I’m not. This time, I feel very back and forth. And it's confusing. Some days I think “I’m ok” “I got this” but then other days I just feel sad. I feel like I’m in a horrible funk. It’s weird and I don’t like it.
I have so much going on in my head. The first big thing is Chris not having a job. I feel like it is all on me. Again. As we enter the fourth month with him unemployed it is starting to take a toll on our marriage. I feel it is unfair to have all this weight on my shoulders. I also feel jealous that he gets to be home with Helena. The change in lifestyle because we now just have one income, and we are still living life, but with that we are going through our savings pretty quick. Thankfully there are lots of fun free summer activities in our area! I just feel like we are behind and to get back to where we were will take a lot of time. It’s frustrating to say the least.
Then there is the planner in me. And when your husband isn’t working you can’t really plan anything, all you can do is live day by day. And I will say I need to do more of that: live day by day. But I can’t erase that planner in me overnight. I will say that I’ve done pretty good over the past 4 months. But we are nearing the end of summer, the soon to be here holiday season, and let’s not forget the possibility of baby number 2. That’s the other big thing. I have some serious baby fever. And behind Chris not having a job, making Helena a big sister is what’s second on my mind. I tell myself things will work out, mainly because they have to. I think that if I were to get pregnant it’ll be ok. Heck, when I got pregnant with Helena Chris didn’t have a job then, and everything worked out fine. So I know it will be ok, but I’m not gonna lie. I wish this was a hurdle we didn’t have to jump. Plus I’m worried. I’m not too sure how to not worry in a situation like this. And the worry doesn’t help with my mental state.
One thing helping with my sanity is my gym time. It gets me out of the house and my endorphins running. A work-out immediately gets me out of my “funk”. It’s my time to strictly focus on me. Which as a mom, is huge! With my back mostly healed (it’s still sore in the mornings) I’ve been back into the gym and completed my first Dance Jam while staying injury free! I’ve challenged myself to work-out 8 times this month. I look back to my life in 2009 and 2010 and 2011 (pre-Chris) when a normal month for me was 20 work-outs. In fact I’m pretty sure the last time I worked out 20 times in a month was before I met Chris. Since having Helena I’ve been averaging about 4 work-outs a month, only once a week. I think going from 4 to 8 is a good increase and something I can build on over time. I’ve even signed up to do a 5K at the end of the month. I’m absolutely terrified of this and crossing the finish line last, but I’ve set out to do it, so it’ll get done!
I suppose right now I’m trying to control the things that I can control. I know going to the gym helps with my feelings of sadness and being depressed, so I hope that will motivate me and get back to overall health! Physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I know that things could be much much worse. I get that, I do. I have this amazing daughter that gives me such a bright light in my life, a loving husband, and a good and stable job, and overall health within me and my family. But that doesn’t mean I don’t pray for things to change or to get better. I suppose we feel things could always be better.
Life happens during these types of growing pains (because regardless of what is going on in life, life always happens) and I’m looking forward to what will hopefully be a better outcome for me and my family.
|she's my light|