Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Bennett at 2 months

Baby Bennett is two months, and had his two month appointment yesterday!
We have a happy and healthy baby!
13 pounds
24 inches

He is a chunk!  His personality is really starting to come out!  He already has a really good vocabulary, and the doctor was super pleased with his vowels and consonants.  He has so many different facial expressions and I just love his smile and coos.  Our conversations are so much fun.  I love it when he responds!  He is still in the bassinet (he's been in 2 weeks longer than Helena was) and in the mornings when I pump he'll just look over at me and smile and smile.  I love it, and makes the pumping worth while since I hate it so much.  He's sleeping from about 10pm to 5am, sometimes 6.  He fights sleep like no other.  He'll scream and cry before giving in. But there are also times when he'll just go down in the bassinet be wide awake and I'll just turn off the light and go to bed, and he'll eventually fall asleep.  He's a great self soother and for that I'm grateful.  However I miss holding a sleeping baby and just holding a baby period.  That's one of the extremely hard things about having Helena.  I don't get to really spoil Bennett. At least, that's how I feel.  So he spends lots of time in the swing.  Him and Helena look nothing alike.  I look at pictures of Helena when she was two months old, and they don't look like siblings.  I'm super curious to see how he changes because he has already changed so much.
Breastfeeding is anything but.  It's super hard on me because this was one of my big motivations for going for the VBAC, was to have my milk come in and to have a full supply so I could breastfeed without the same struggles that I did with Helena.  Bennett won't even breastfeed.  It's really hard to not be emotional about it, because I want him to.  I want to have that experience.  He will latch with a nipple shield but it is short lived, and it is only when I feed him some bottle first.  If I try to offer me first, he starts to cry and fuss even when I try to get him into position to feed.  It's heartbreaking because I want it so bad.  And pumping, the pumping.  I'm pumping about 5 or 6 times a day and usually only get about 2 ounces total after pumping for 20/25 minutes.  So on average he gets about 10 ounces of my breast milk a day.  My goal right now is 16 weeks, just because that's how long my leave was with Helena was when I was working.  I would be more motivated to keep pumping if I was pumping more, but to spend that type of time away from Helena, Bennett, and housework for so little is draining and just not worth it.  I'll continue to try to get him to latch and pray and hope that he'll come around and give me the breastfeeding relationship I dream up, but in my gut I know it's over.  I feel so sad about it because I don't even remember the last time he latched.  Because I didn't know it would be the last time.  I still remember the last time I breastfed Helena and it was such a good moment because I knew it would be the last so I was able to memorize it.
Overall Bennett is a really good baby.  When he wakes up in the middle of the night he's super quiet which is part of the reason he is still in the bassinet, because I'm fearful I won't hear him on the monitor with him in his room in the crib.  But he is really getting too big for it, so I feel he'll be in his crib by the end of the week.
He eats a lot and will sometimes he 6 ounces at once.  He's still in size 1 diapers, just because I don't want to waste any, and size 3 month clothing.  Although some are getting snug.  I think he might be a blue-eyed boy.  Helena had blue/gray eyes, but his have no gray, which makes me think they could stay blue.  It's definitely weird having a baby that looks nothing like me.  He's definitely a mini-Chris.  He's a lot of fun and he gets so much love, especially from Helena.  I'm extremely blessed to be him mom.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Let's Compare

I'm behind, but here is my growing baby bump.
25 weeks 6 days

30 weeks

35 weeks

38 weeks

39 weeks 4 days

40 weeks
This time around I really miss being pregnant.  You don't realize how easy the end of pregnancy is until you are caring for a toddler and a newborn.  I knew going out would be the biggest struggle.  An outing with both kids by myself needs special preparation.  I found that if I need to go out at the "last minute" I need a good 40 minutes before we leave the house.

Bennett and Helena look nothing alike in my opinion.  They do both have big eyes, but that's where the similarities end.  People say Helena is like a mini me, and that Bennett is a mini Chris.  More and more I can see how Bennett looks like Chris.  I also think Bennett just might be a blue eyed boy.  I was expecting Bennett to have a full head of hair, just because Helena did.  Within his first few weeks the hair on top of his head all fell out. When you see him from the back and all of his hair in the back, it's like he's a different baby.


Thursday, June 16, 2016

Recent Happenings

I feel the need to get some things off of my chest in regards to the horrific events that have happened in Orlando since Saturday night.

My pastor wrote and shared the above post and it really spoke to me.  The horrible shooting or any shooting for that matter sends chills down my spin.  My first thought is to my kids.  I realize that parents always have fears, but this just pulls at my heartstrings.  It's so easy to live in fear, as I realize anything can happen at anytime. But this.  This terrifies me.  I hate that one day I'll have to explain to my kids these types of events.  What do I say?  How do I explain?  Parenting is hard, but this.  I didn't sign up for this.
I think of the innocent lives lost.  Now it seems, that going out on a Saturday night for some fun and dancing, is now no longer just fun and dancing.  Just how going to the movies, is no longer just going to the movies.  Or attending school.  Why can't we be safe living our life?  I've watched the video of Anderson Cooper naming all 49 victims one by one, it's so sad.  All day Sunday I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't want to watch any coverage or hear anything about it. I remember on 9/11 watching all of the coverage.  I couldn't get enough of it.  It was like driving by a bad car accident.  I couldn't NOT look.  I had to know what was going on, I wanted to know all of the details.
But this time.  I didn't want to look.  I didn't want to know what happened.  I immediately went numb.  Who knows if it was because I was only 21 when 9/11 happened or the fact that an event like that was "new", and now I'm 36 and have kids, and events like this are now the "norm".  But I just don't want to know.  I purposefully didn't watch the news.  In fact I still haven't really watched a lot about it.  I don't care to know about the shooter or any of the those details.  My focus as been on praying. Praying for the families for those who lost someone and praying for those recovering in the hospital.

We truly are all the same.  In the words of Ellen "Be kind to one another."

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Helena @ 2 years!

Helena had her two year well visit last week!
She's 23 pounds and 33 inches.

Helena is like a sponge.  She soaks everything in and everything is on repeat.  "Mommy read" "Mommy read" "Mommy read"  "Watch Mickey Mouse" "Watch Mickey Mouse" "Watch Mickey Mouse" "Mommy what are you doing?" "Mommy what are you doing?"  "Mommy what are you doing?" "Do bubbles outside" "Do bubbles outside" "Do bubbles outside"  You get the idea.

She loves to sing and will randomly sing "Happy Birthday Miss Helena" "A B C D H I J L M P W X Y Z"  Often on repeat is W X Y and Z, with the "and Z" sounding like one word.  She'll count but rarely starts with one.  Her counting is: 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.  Lately she'll sing something like "Single baby".

She's a great big sister and loves to sit with Bennett.  She likes to feed him by holding his bottle although it is short lived once she realizes she has to continue to hold it and will say "mommy do it".  She enjoys doing tummy time and asks about baby Bennett frequently.
She continues to be a good sleeper.  I was nervous about bringing Bennett home because Helena is a super light sleeper and wakes up immediately once you open up her bedroom door.  Our bedrooms are all close together and I was fearful that Bennett cries in the middle of the night would wake her up.  She did wake up his first night home, but since then she sleeps through them!  I'm so glad and she hasn't awoken up since we brought Bennett home (besides that first night)!  I was also fearful that his cries would affect her, but thankfully she completely zones out his cries.

She hasn't really shown any signs of potty training.  We stick her on the potty nightly before her bath, and she'll say she needs to go potty, but she has never actually gone to the potty.  She'll sometimes tell me when she has pooped but not always.  My thoughts are that once Bennett gets somewhat of a schedule I'll try and potty train her.

She's still in a crib and tries to climb out but immediately says "need help".  The transition to the toddler bed will probably happen sometime soon.

She's in size 2T, although some of the shirts are already too short.  And size 4 diapers.  And size 5 shoes.

She loves to be outside, and loves bubbles, and I'm really itching to take her to the pool, but I'm not ambitious enough to take both kids to the pool by myself.

Some of my favorite words that she says "Oh geesh"  "Daaaad"  "Delicious!" "Sopapilla"  "Tortilla" "I love you Mommy"

She loves to see her friends, and gets super excited when I tell her friends are coming over or if we are going to a friends house

She loves to read and turn the pages.  Although it's frustrating because she'll usually only let me read about 3 words before turning the page just to say "mommy read".

She loves to tickle my toes when I'm changing her diaper and when I tell her no she'll tickle her own toes.

She's extremely agreeable and when you explain something to her she'll gladly say "ok".

Overall she's a joy and I'm so blessed to be her mom.  

Thursday, June 2, 2016


Today as been a day.  And I need to release some of this energy, but I don't really have the energy to talk out loud about it, so typing it out is my form of release.

Without getting too deep into it I've been wanting Chris and I to go see a counselor for some time now.  Add in the new issues I've been feeling with having Bennett in the house, Chris contacted his EAP through his employer and set me up with an appointment for this morning at 9am.  All day yesterday I was not looking forward to this appointment.  Getting out of the house at 11am is a struggle, let alone 9am.  Plus I was already not looking forward to the feeling of just being drained.  I'm already exhausted but add in the exhaustion of talking about all the changes my family as gone through over the past 14 months...starting with Chris getting fired last April.  But I knew it would be a starting point, and was looking forward to finding some long term help and having Chris eventually join me so that we could work on our other issues.

When Chris made the appointment he told me that the practice has a daycare for Helena.  When I arrived this morning after waking up Helena early, pumping, feeding Bennett, getting all of us dressed etc...it was clear this doctor's office did not have a daycare for me to drop Helena off at.  I was immediately on edge.  My initial thought was to how productive is this appointment going to be with my daughter in the room as a distraction?  I knew it wasn't going to be effective.  Helena plays really good by herself but not in an atmosphere like this.  After about 30 minutes I told the doctor it wouldn't work and told her I would leave.  After 30 minutes we had just begun to skin the surface so I knew there was no point.  The doctor obviously encouraged me to stay but truly, how much could I open up with my daughter in the room?  The focus was primarily on her and I was keeping my guard up because she was in the room.

I left beyond frustrated at the fact that I dragged us all out of the door at 8:30am for nothing.  And it got me thinking about this issue of mental health.  It is extremely hard to ask for help.  Out of all of the times I've had a first time appointment with a doctor to seek help for my depression the first appointment is the hardest.  To admit that you are sad and that you need help, to say it out loud.  It is hard.  I was hoping to find someone long term for myself and for Chris and I.  And now I feel like treatment is going to be avoided because my kids are priority and I need to take care of them before I care for me.  So it got me thinking deeper about PPD.  Asking for help is hard, asking for help when you are a mom is even harder.  Moms have this super power, right?!  Of being on top of it all.  Handling it all.  Doing it all with a smile.  Right?!  I feel like I've taken the right step by asking for help.  But now it's clear that getting that help is going to be difficult.  So what are the chances of me successfully getting the treatment that I need?  At this point in time I'd say, slim to none.  It is truly easier to sweep it under the rug and wait for time to heal the issue.  Even though I know I need help, heck I want help, but I also know it isn't going to happen.  The issues will go untreated.

I don't want PPD.  I think, no mom with a newborn does.  I want to enjoy this time with Bennett, especially since he is most likely my last baby, but I think another issue that mom's have with seeking help is the mommy guilt.  As a mom, I don't think about myself.  Heck I feel guilty when I tell Helena I want to pee in private.  Let alone taking an hour out of our day to talk about my sad issues.  So I can totally see how most mom's don't seek help.  Especially when I have two kiddos at home.  Taking care of a kid or kids is hard enough, we don't have the time or the energy to take care of us too.  It's one of the worse feelings in the world.  I have this beautiful little baby and an amazing family, and I can't stop crying.  It's horrible.

I don't know where this leaves me.  I have my 6w pp check up next week, and I'll mention PPD to my doctor at that point, although I'm not too sure what he can do.  I do know it feels go to "talk" about it.  Definitely a weight lifted and that's a win in my book.