Thursday, June 2, 2016

Weakness


Today as been a day.  And I need to release some of this energy, but I don't really have the energy to talk out loud about it, so typing it out is my form of release.

Without getting too deep into it I've been wanting Chris and I to go see a counselor for some time now.  Add in the new issues I've been feeling with having Bennett in the house, Chris contacted his EAP through his employer and set me up with an appointment for this morning at 9am.  All day yesterday I was not looking forward to this appointment.  Getting out of the house at 11am is a struggle, let alone 9am.  Plus I was already not looking forward to the feeling of just being drained.  I'm already exhausted but add in the exhaustion of talking about all the changes my family as gone through over the past 14 months...starting with Chris getting fired last April.  But I knew it would be a starting point, and was looking forward to finding some long term help and having Chris eventually join me so that we could work on our other issues.

When Chris made the appointment he told me that the practice has a daycare for Helena.  When I arrived this morning after waking up Helena early, pumping, feeding Bennett, getting all of us dressed etc...it was clear this doctor's office did not have a daycare for me to drop Helena off at.  I was immediately on edge.  My initial thought was to how productive is this appointment going to be with my daughter in the room as a distraction?  I knew it wasn't going to be effective.  Helena plays really good by herself but not in an atmosphere like this.  After about 30 minutes I told the doctor it wouldn't work and told her I would leave.  After 30 minutes we had just begun to skin the surface so I knew there was no point.  The doctor obviously encouraged me to stay but truly, how much could I open up with my daughter in the room?  The focus was primarily on her and I was keeping my guard up because she was in the room.

I left beyond frustrated at the fact that I dragged us all out of the door at 8:30am for nothing.  And it got me thinking about this issue of mental health.  It is extremely hard to ask for help.  Out of all of the times I've had a first time appointment with a doctor to seek help for my depression the first appointment is the hardest.  To admit that you are sad and that you need help, to say it out loud.  It is hard.  I was hoping to find someone long term for myself and for Chris and I.  And now I feel like treatment is going to be avoided because my kids are priority and I need to take care of them before I care for me.  So it got me thinking deeper about PPD.  Asking for help is hard, asking for help when you are a mom is even harder.  Moms have this super power, right?!  Of being on top of it all.  Handling it all.  Doing it all with a smile.  Right?!  I feel like I've taken the right step by asking for help.  But now it's clear that getting that help is going to be difficult.  So what are the chances of me successfully getting the treatment that I need?  At this point in time I'd say, slim to none.  It is truly easier to sweep it under the rug and wait for time to heal the issue.  Even though I know I need help, heck I want help, but I also know it isn't going to happen.  The issues will go untreated.

I don't want PPD.  I think, no mom with a newborn does.  I want to enjoy this time with Bennett, especially since he is most likely my last baby, but I think another issue that mom's have with seeking help is the mommy guilt.  As a mom, I don't think about myself.  Heck I feel guilty when I tell Helena I want to pee in private.  Let alone taking an hour out of our day to talk about my sad issues.  So I can totally see how most mom's don't seek help.  Especially when I have two kiddos at home.  Taking care of a kid or kids is hard enough, we don't have the time or the energy to take care of us too.  It's one of the worse feelings in the world.  I have this beautiful little baby and an amazing family, and I can't stop crying.  It's horrible.

I don't know where this leaves me.  I have my 6w pp check up next week, and I'll mention PPD to my doctor at that point, although I'm not too sure what he can do.  I do know it feels go to "talk" about it.  Definitely a weight lifted and that's a win in my book.

2 comments:

Emily Foley said...

I'm so sorry April., I wish it had gone better. But sweep that guilt away, hire a babysitter, and DO IT. I know most days just taking a shower feels like an accomplishment and this seems like too much, but you are worth it. Your children are worth it. Your marriage is worth it. Don't give up. Keep trying, keep asking, keep going. Nobody said you have to do motherhood with makeup and a smile, but it sure is easier to smile if you help yourself first. If you can't sweep the guilt away, think of the guilt you'll feel ten years from now when you can't even remember Bennett's first year (me with Noah) because you were so overwhelmed and sad all the time. Deal with it now and you won't feel guilty later! :)

Summer said...

Tyler and I had some biiig marital struggles during my PPD. It was just a hard time all around. Em is right, you have to advocate for yourself. If talk therapy isn't going to work for you maybe you can start some kind of anti-depressant. Sometimes you have to someone. I used to talk to God. I used to say, "I almost hit TJ today. Please help me. Please take those things away from me. I don't know what to do. I'm so mad or sad all the time." It helps to talk to SOMEONE. I would say talk to Chris but I sure as heck couldn't talk to Tyler about these things so I don't know. I wish I could help more, I wish I could come watch your kids for you. I'm so sorry.