Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Bennett at 2 months
We have a happy and healthy baby!
He is a chunk! His personality is really starting to come out! He already has a really good vocabulary, and the doctor was super pleased with his vowels and consonants. He has so many different facial expressions and I just love his smile and coos. Our conversations are so much fun. I love it when he responds! He is still in the bassinet (he's been in 2 weeks longer than Helena was) and in the mornings when I pump he'll just look over at me and smile and smile. I love it, and makes the pumping worth while since I hate it so much. He's sleeping from about 10pm to 5am, sometimes 6. He fights sleep like no other. He'll scream and cry before giving in. But there are also times when he'll just go down in the bassinet be wide awake and I'll just turn off the light and go to bed, and he'll eventually fall asleep. He's a great self soother and for that I'm grateful. However I miss holding a sleeping baby and just holding a baby period. That's one of the extremely hard things about having Helena. I don't get to really spoil Bennett. At least, that's how I feel. So he spends lots of time in the swing. Him and Helena look nothing alike. I look at pictures of Helena when she was two months old, and they don't look like siblings. I'm super curious to see how he changes because he has already changed so much.
Breastfeeding is anything but. It's super hard on me because this was one of my big motivations for going for the VBAC, was to have my milk come in and to have a full supply so I could breastfeed without the same struggles that I did with Helena. Bennett won't even breastfeed. It's really hard to not be emotional about it, because I want him to. I want to have that experience. He will latch with a nipple shield but it is short lived, and it is only when I feed him some bottle first. If I try to offer me first, he starts to cry and fuss even when I try to get him into position to feed. It's heartbreaking because I want it so bad. And pumping, the pumping. I'm pumping about 5 or 6 times a day and usually only get about 2 ounces total after pumping for 20/25 minutes. So on average he gets about 10 ounces of my breast milk a day. My goal right now is 16 weeks, just because that's how long my leave was with Helena was when I was working. I would be more motivated to keep pumping if I was pumping more, but to spend that type of time away from Helena, Bennett, and housework for so little is draining and just not worth it. I'll continue to try to get him to latch and pray and hope that he'll come around and give me the breastfeeding relationship I dream up, but in my gut I know it's over. I feel so sad about it because I don't even remember the last time he latched. Because I didn't know it would be the last time. I still remember the last time I breastfed Helena and it was such a good moment because I knew it would be the last so I was able to memorize it.
Overall Bennett is a really good baby. When he wakes up in the middle of the night he's super quiet which is part of the reason he is still in the bassinet, because I'm fearful I won't hear him on the monitor with him in his room in the crib. But he is really getting too big for it, so I feel he'll be in his crib by the end of the week.
He eats a lot and will sometimes he 6 ounces at once. He's still in size 1 diapers, just because I don't want to waste any, and size 3 month clothing. Although some are getting snug. I think he might be a blue-eyed boy. Helena had blue/gray eyes, but his have no gray, which makes me think they could stay blue. It's definitely weird having a baby that looks nothing like me. He's definitely a mini-Chris. He's a lot of fun and he gets so much love, especially from Helena. I'm extremely blessed to be him mom.