Tuesday, March 26, 2013

blogger break

I've decided to take a break from blogging.  I need time to clear my head, and I want to find a time when I'm not constantly asking myself "What should I blog about?"
Right now my blog has become a place for negativity and complaining.  When overall, that isn't me.  And that isn't my life.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I am truly blessed.  And I feel that is not what I'm portraying.  I feel like I've given this impression that I'm unhappy, when that just isn't the case. 
I remember when MySpace first came out.  I logged onto that site every single night, and would spend hours doing who knows what.  I remember thinking "I can't ever imagine my life without MySpace.  Without logging in, seeing what's going on etc..."  Well like most things in life, the cycle of MySpace came to an end and there was eventually an evening without logging in.  Then the unthinkable happened, I closed my MySpace account.
A few years ago I had that same feeling about this blog.  When I was working out 5 days a week, and therefore blogging 5 days a week, because I created this pattern of blogging every time I worked out.  It was almost like an obsession.  I couldn't see my life without the blog.  And now I just want to remove myself from it.
I can see myself coming back to the blog periodically, posting updates etc...and I hope that one day I'll come back more frequently.  But right now, I just want to get rid of the pressure of updating my blog.  I suppose it is silly to make such an announcement, but I just didn't want to drop off the face of the blogging world and leave my few readers wondering.
It's so amazing how there is a shift in priorities.  And this blog just isn't a priority anymore. 
I will, of course, still read the blogs that I read, and comment. 
I think this is a much needed break, and one that'll do me some good. 
Until next time...

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Chris and I went to church on Sunday.  It was our first time there since moving, so it was long overdue and oh so welcome.  There is something so uplifting about going to church.  I love our pastor.  He approached us and said hi, who knows what it is but having him come up to us, definitely made me feel special.
I always think of things to "discuss" on my blog while in church.  My time in church is definitely reflective, and forces me to think about things, pray for things, and be grateful for the things that I do have. 
Pastor Ken spoke about the term "later".  How we use that term as a drug.  We'll say: "I'll get to that l a t e r..." and before you know it years have passed. 
I, of course, related to that term, and immediately thought about my weight loss (or lack thereof).  I've been trying to lose these last 25-30 pounds since October 2010....and now I've gained 30 pounds, so now I have 60 to lose.  I think about how October 2010 was 2 and half years ago!  And how had I lost a pound a week I would totally be there already and not complaining about this gain.  How a pound a week is totally doable.  I ask myself: What has triggered in my head to now do it already?  Why do I keep saying later?  I suppose finding the answers to these questions doesn't really change anything.  If anything, I want to change my outlook.  This current transition I am in, I don't like.  I feel weight loss is all or nothing.  And right now I'm going at it very half ass.  Which doesn't really result in anything, so I'm hoping eventually I'll go all in
I think I'm doing good on my goal for March, of working out 10 times.  I've worked out 4 times thus far, and packed my gym bag for the first time in who knows how long, to hit the gym right after work. 
I need to find my motivation again.  I think that is what's so frustrating about this whole thing.  When it comes down to it, I know I'm the only one who can motivate me.  That responsibility only belongs to me. 
Later might never come, so now is really the only time to do anything about it.  I hate that this is my lifelong struggle, and that I know on some level it will always be hard.  But I know it could be worse, and I know I need to make the most of my time now that I have it.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

~all kinds of crazy~

i've been trying to upload the above picture to
for the past week.  and it isn't working.
i'll select the picture, crop it, chose whatever fancy enhancement i want.
and then blank.
my phone goes to its home screen.


new appliance shopping this weekend!
i'm excited, but totally wish i was doing something more fun like
with my bonus money.
rather than something so adult like.


i gave up on
life of pi.
i'm now reading
so funny.


can someone please explain to me the whole
Hash tag (#)
because i don't get it.
#feeling stupid


the floor in our bathroom is super slippery.
i don't like it.


i've been trying to grow out my bangs.
any tips?


the last night of 5280 is tomorrow.
we're going to linger!
i'm so excited.  i've had these reservations for about 2 months now!


my parents leave for hawaii on saturday.
i wish i was going with them.
well really, i wish chris and i were going with them, but that we were doing our own thing, and they were just paying for it all.
that's what i really wish.


looks like it'll be another
on saturday!
i think i want to bake.
what should i bake?


don't forget to set your clocks
one hour saturday night!
hello sunshine!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Wedding Wednesday: wedding video

password: april

I do not like our wedding video. 
Could this be because it took Shutterbliss 4+ months to create a 3 minute highlight that looks just thrown together?  Could this be because my many emails to Shutterbliss set expectations they had no intentions on following through?  Could it be because there are three separate shots of Chris and sucking face (really who wants to see that?!)?  Could it be there are two separate shots of just my shoes?  ...one shot of the random stuffed butterfly that was in the hotel room?  ...our vows all choppy and not smooth?  NO talk of our pastor.  NO shot of us on the dance floor.  NO shot of us on the dance floor during our first dance.  NO real shot of me and my bridesmaids.  NO real shot of my dad walking me down the aisle. 
I could go on and on.
I'm pretty sure it's a combination of all of the above.
I won't bore you with all of the details. But I originally asked Shutterbliss when I would get my video in the first week of December, thinking this would be timely as my friend who got married two weeks prior also used Shutterbliss and got her video back before Thanksgiving.  I was told within the week.  And well I didn't get my video until mid-February (TWO and a half months later).  Very unprofessional in my opinion.
I am happy with the song they chose, parts of Kari's toast, and the shots of the Chateaux, but that's about it.  We did get the raw footage, but even that doesn't have the beginning of the ceremony with everyone walking down the aisle (including myself, the BRIDE!).  
So overall I'm disappointed and don't recommend them.   I wish we would have invested more, and did some more research.  But of course what I did see and when I did talk to Shutterbliss originally all seemed like I would love the end result.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

March Weigh-In

I had another large does of reality today.  And I mean "large" in every sense of the word.  I've decided to hold myself more accountable.  So the first Saturday of every month, I'm going to have a weigh-in and write about it.  I don't have a plan per se, which I feel is just setting myself up for failure, but I have to start somewhere.  I figured a good starting point was to see the number on the scale.  I got up this morning after a very nice nights rest, and went to the gym.  I stepped on the scale the first time since sometime last summer: 205.  My first thought: crap, I'm in the 200's.  I seriously didn't think I was that bad.  Seriously.  I thought maybe in the 190's, but surely not a number beginning with that god-awful 2.  But there it was starring at me right in the face: 205.  Two hundred and five pounds.  That's a gain of 31 pounds since my all time low.  No wonder none of my clothes fit me.  But at the same time it's kinda crazy what I can still squeeze my fat a$$ into after such a gain. 
After seeing that number and heading up to get reacquainted with the treadmill, I had a good workout to sort out all of thoughts in regards to this weight gain. 
It's a weird feeling not being comfortable at the gym.  This gym used to be my home.  I used walk around confidently, look for people who I knew, say hi, be social.  But now more than anything my gym feels like a foreign place.  No familiar faces, definitely no confidence in my walk, just go in put away my things in the locker, do my work out, and leave. 
My first goal is to work out 10 times this month.  It's sad to say but I'm pretty sure that since I've met and been with Chris, the most I've been to the gym is maybe 5 times in a month.  Considering I used to be in there at least 20 times in a month, I figured 10 was a good number, since it is a long month it seems totally doable.  One down, nine to go. 
As I was leaving for the gym I got excited as I noticed daylight savings time begins next Sunday.  I'm definitely not looking forward to losing that hour of sleep next weekend, but I will love having that extra hour of daylight!  It makes me feel good as I know that will effect me meeting my goal of 10 workouts this month. 
It feels weird starting over.  Which I feel like I am.  But so many things are different.  I know I'm not 265, which is good, and I feel like I have to point out something positive.  I'm struggling a lot with my motivation.  In the past I feel like I did my weight loss anonymously, and this time around I don't feel so anonymous.  But I still feel alone.  I do have loving and awesome support from my husband.  He's always been there to encourage me, and to tell me I could go workout everyday if I wanted to.  But it was my choice to stay home, not his.  Motivation used to come so easily to me, just like working out used to come so easily to me.  I used to motivate people.  I'm nowhere near the person I used to be.  I miss her. 
I'm going to spend the month of March working on my cardio.  I did 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning, mostly walking...and I left feeling like I was dying.  40 minutes on the treadmill mostly jogging used to be a walk in the park.  But again, I have to start somewhere.  The big goal for this month is get out of the 200's.  Lose those 5 pounds, and have a weight that starts with a "1" again.  I'm so thankful for the upcoming warmer months and longer days.  Just what I need.