I had another large does of reality today. And I mean "large" in every sense of the word. I've decided to hold myself more accountable. So the first Saturday of every month, I'm going to have a weigh-in and write about it. I don't have a plan per se, which I feel is just setting myself up for failure, but I have to start somewhere. I figured a good starting point was to see the number on the scale. I got up this morning after a very nice nights rest, and went to the gym. I stepped on the scale the first time since sometime last summer: 205. My first thought: crap, I'm in the 200's. I seriously didn't think I was that bad. Seriously. I thought maybe in the 190's, but surely not a number beginning with that god-awful 2. But there it was starring at me right in the face: 205. Two hundred and five pounds. That's a gain of 31 pounds since my all time low. No wonder none of my clothes fit me. But at the same time it's kinda crazy what I can still squeeze my fat a$$ into after such a gain.
After seeing that number and heading up to get reacquainted with the treadmill, I had a good workout to sort out all of thoughts in regards to this weight gain.
It's a weird feeling not being comfortable at the gym. This gym used to be my home. I used walk around confidently, look for people who I knew, say hi, be social. But now more than anything my gym feels like a foreign place. No familiar faces, definitely no confidence in my walk, just go in put away my things in the locker, do my work out, and leave.
My first goal is to work out 10 times this month. It's sad to say but I'm pretty sure that since I've met and been with Chris, the most I've been to the gym is maybe 5 times in a month. Considering I used to be in there at least 20 times in a month, I figured 10 was a good number, since it is a long month it seems totally doable. One down, nine to go.
As I was leaving for the gym I got excited as I noticed daylight savings time begins next Sunday. I'm definitely not looking forward to losing that hour of sleep next weekend, but I will love having that extra hour of daylight! It makes me feel good as I know that will effect me meeting my goal of 10 workouts this month.
It feels weird starting over. Which I feel like I am. But so many things are different. I know I'm not 265, which is good, and I feel like I have to point out something positive. I'm struggling a lot with my motivation. In the past I feel like I did my weight loss anonymously, and this time around I don't feel so anonymous. But I still feel alone. I do have loving and awesome support from my husband. He's always been there to encourage me, and to tell me I could go workout everyday if I wanted to. But it was my choice to stay home, not his. Motivation used to come so easily to me, just like working out used to come so easily to me. I used to motivate people. I'm nowhere near the person I used to be. I miss her.
I'm going to spend the month of March working on my cardio. I did 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning, mostly walking...and I left feeling like I was dying. 40 minutes on the treadmill mostly jogging used to be a walk in the park. But again, I have to start somewhere. The big goal for this month is get out of the 200's. Lose those 5 pounds, and have a weight that starts with a "1" again. I'm so thankful for the upcoming warmer months and longer days. Just what I need.
4 comments:
This blog made me think of what Bonnie told me last Saturday actually (after we met up!). "I sense some struggle with identity. Remember that all the parts of you are still in there." Yes! :) I needed that reminder. I always in and out of identities. We have many. Our lives constantly change; we get married, we have babies, we gain weight, we lose weight, we move, we get a new job. Remember that that April who lived at the gym still is inside you but expect her to change because YOUR LIFE has changed! :) Living at the gym isn't a priority anymore. GOING to the gym is, of course, but living there, no. Marriage, a new life, a new house, prospects of a family has changed everything. Just don't forget at the HEART of it all...SHE is STILL in there. Make her a priority once more. I think you're headed there!
Another thing, you're not starting over. You've had a set-back which we ALL have had. Your muscles will remember what to do. After a few weeks of consistent workouts, your brain will remember what to do. It never gets easy. It's a constant juggling act and FINDING BALANCE (which we all strive) is what makes life so full of art forms. How do we balance our marriages? Our communication? Taking care of each other AND ourselves? I have no answer for you but rest assured you'll find your balance eventually. Chris must see you and remember the person he met. Tenacious, driven, social, and enthusiastic. THAT'S who you are.
You've had a set back. Big deal. You're not starting from square one anymore. You've been here before. Work hard like you used to just differently because your life doesn't look the same as it did.
Oh, and P.S., don't forget to lift weights :) One of your good friends is a trainer and knows best. HAHAHAHHA!
April! Backtracking your page to check on you and happy to have found your latest BLOG! What made me most happy was READING YOUR SENSE of HUMOR! You made me laugh (your words) "Amazing my fat ar$e can still fit in my clothes (haha)!" Plus 10 workouts, its a start. I envy you for getting on the scale...I NEVER do unless it is by force. Don't feel bad, getting started is the hardest part for everyone and at least you have set your self up w/a realistic goal. If you have time to see a familiar face on Wednesday Evenings and Saturday Mornings you know where to find me. HAPPY WEDNESDAY :) tmf
P.S. Nice to be able to read a HAPPY SPIRIT in all of this. You are going to be A-OK! :)
^^^ Liking that Sarah girl. Listen to her!
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