Weakness

Today as been a day.  And I need to release some of this energy, but I don't really have the energy to talk out loud about it, so typing it out is my form of release.

Without getting too deep into it I've been wanting Chris and I to go see a counselor for some time now.  Add in the new issues I've been feeling with having Bennett in the house, Chris contacted his EAP through his employer and set me up with an appointment for this morning at 9am.  All day yesterday I was not looking forward to this appointment.  Getting out of the house at 11am is a struggle, let alone 9am.  Plus I was already not looking forward to the feeling of just being drained.  I'm already exhausted but add in the exhaustion of talking about all the changes my family as gone through over the past 14 months...starting with Chris getting fired last April.  But I knew it would be a starting point, and was looking forward to finding some long term help and having Chris eventually join me so that we could work on our other issues.

When Chris made the appointment he told me that the practice has a daycare for Helena.  When I arrived this morning after waking up Helena early, pumping, feeding Bennett, getting all of us dressed etc...it was clear this doctor's office did not have a daycare for me to drop Helena off at.  I was immediately on edge.  My initial thought was to how productive is this appointment going to be with my daughter in the room as a distraction?  I knew it wasn't going to be effective.  Helena plays really good by herself but not in an atmosphere like this.  After about 30 minutes I told the doctor it wouldn't work and told her I would leave.  After 30 minutes we had just begun to skin the surface so I knew there was no point.  The doctor obviously encouraged me to stay but truly, how much could I open up with my daughter in the room?  The focus was primarily on her and I was keeping my guard up because she was in the room.

I left beyond frustrated at the fact that I dragged us all out of the door at 8:30am for nothing.  And it got me thinking about this issue of mental health.  It is extremely hard to ask for help.  Out of all of the times I've had a first time appointment with a doctor to seek help for my depression the first appointment is the hardest.  To admit that you are sad and that you need help, to say it out loud.  It is hard.  I was hoping to find someone long term for myself and for Chris and I.  And now I feel like treatment is going to be avoided because my kids are priority and I need to take care of them before I care for me.  So it got me thinking deeper about PPD.  Asking for help is hard, asking for help when you are a mom is even harder.  Moms have this super power, right?!  Of being on top of it all.  Handling it all.  Doing it all with a smile.  Right?!  I feel like I've taken the right step by asking for help.  But now it's clear that getting that help is going to be difficult.  So what are the chances of me successfully getting the treatment that I need?  At this point in time I'd say, slim to none.  It is truly easier to sweep it under the rug and wait for time to heal the issue.  Even though I know I need help, heck I want help, but I also know it isn't going to happen.  The issues will go untreated.

I don't want PPD.  I think, no mom with a newborn does.  I want to enjoy this time with Bennett, especially since he is most likely my last baby, but I think another issue that mom's have with seeking help is the mommy guilt.  As a mom, I don't think about myself.  Heck I feel guilty when I tell Helena I want to pee in private.  Let alone taking an hour out of our day to talk about my sad issues.  So I can totally see how most mom's don't seek help.  Especially when I have two kiddos at home.  Taking care of a kid or kids is hard enough, we don't have the time or the energy to take care of us too.  It's one of the worse feelings in the world.  I have this beautiful little baby and an amazing family, and I can't stop crying.  It's horrible.

I don't know where this leaves me.  I have my 6w pp check up next week, and I'll mention PPD to my doctor at that point, although I'm not too sure what he can do.  I do know it feels go to "talk" about it.  Definitely a weight lifted and that's a win in my book.

my first session

it feels so good acting on what it is you say your gonna do.  however scary and hard it maybe, the feeling of putting your words into actions always gives you a feeling of accomplishment, however big or small.

last night i had my first therapy session. 
this lady seems pretty awesome, and wicked smart (of course), and i already have my second session scheduled.  i had originally scheduled time to see her the week that we moved, which got moved to yesterday, and my second one isn't for two weeks.  in a situation where you want that instant gratification, i'm learning to be patient, and this will be a work in progress.

i'm relying on myself, and it feels great. 
i recognize that i feel weak: emotionally, mentally, and physically.  and that this will be a great stepping stone to feeling strong again.

i had prepared myself into thinking that the first session would just be emotionally draining.  and although i did get teary eyed, no tears were shed.  where do you start with someone brand new to your life and give her a 60 minute peak into your 33 year old life?  we definitely got two out of the three major points i want help in, and left with some marriage homework, and some lifestyle homework. 

i feel good about her, and the fact that she wasn't quick to put me on any drugs, rather she made the point that three-45 minute workouts in a week equals the same as a daily anti-depressant for most woman. 

it's difficult deciding what to share.  i obviously have somethings and issues to work out that aren't topics on the blog, and at the same time i question why i even need therapy?  there hasn't been one big catastrophic event to bring me to this place, so why seek professional help?  am i that damaged?  but then it's those thoughts that make feel like i'm going crazy.  how can be sad or depressed, when i truly have everything that it is that i want?  i often ask myself, what's wrong with me? 
the therapist was quick to point out that getting married, and buying house are two big things.  and although positive they do create stress, and that talking it out getting therapy can help decrease the stress level. 

i'm definitely learning who my true friends are, and where my support system is, which i think is all part of this process. 

chris has been awesome, and very supportive.  asking if i want him to join me.  and i'm just not there yet.  this isn't our problem, but rather my problem.  i need to fix me. 

right now i'm definitely feeling like i'm moving forward, compared to back.  chris and i have some future plans that i can't wait for!  we're going to see Ron White in May, and FUN! in August (at Red Rocks!).  i also have two 5k's that i'm registered for, one in April and the mother's day 5k in May.  just having these things to look forward to puts me in a good mood. 

there is a lot of energy into feeling negative and sad, and it truly is so much easier to be happy.  and i'm in the process of focusing my energy into that happy place, rather than sad. 


roses from chris on valentines day