Tuesday, December 20, 2016

not this year

I gotta be honest, I am not in the holiday spirit this year.  After we returned home from spending Thanksgiving in Albuquerque we put up the tree and the decorations.  My main motivation to decorate the house was to put me in the holiday spirit.  I was hopefully that the decorations would put me out of this funk.  To enjoy my house at Christmastime.  But it unfortunately had the opposite effect.  In fact I feel like it has made me down right depressed.  I'm sad because this house isn't our "home" and I just want to spend Christmas in a place that is home.
My family is going through a huge transition as Chris is currently working in Northern California 4 days a week (it was previously Houston) and daily I'm wondering where we will be living.  I didn't really do Christmas gifts this year and I'm lucky to have gotten Christmas cards out and mailed. Monday's are always the hardest because Chris leaves super early on Monday mornings.  I have a break down every Monday usually around 5pm when I would normally expect him home.
This back and forth isn't good for our family.  Back in August when Chris was told the Aramark contract at the hospital here in Alamogordo would end early I immediately thought we would be spending Christmas someplace else.  That Chris would have found a permanent job by now and we would have moved.  And as for right now we'll be doing this back and forth thing through February.  It's hard because I see no point in living in Alamogordo.  If I would have known Chris would have only had his job here for 8 months we would've never moved.  And now everything is back up in the air.  The only reason we are still here is because we have a lease to fulfill through the end of April.  If we don't have anywhere to go by then the kids and I will most likely move in with my parents.  Which I hate the idea of doing.  I like to feel settled and I feel like we've been unsettled since Chris got fired for the first time back in July 2013.  All of it just makes me sad and frustrated.  And now we have to drive to Kearney, NE for Christmas.  And getting from one small town to another small town, well there is just no easy way to get there.  I'll have to do all of the driving, which I don't like to drive.  Who knows what the driving conditions will be like, and we'll stay overnight in the middle of nowhere Kansas halfway there to break up the drive.  It's just a lot.  Overall I'm just sad that I'm sad this holiday season.  Usually I really enjoy Christmas and I wish this depression wasn't lingering over me because I want to enjoy this season with my kids and truly enjoy the present.  But often times I find myself crying and being sad, or just frustrated.
Then I feel guilty because truly the things I have to complain about aren't that bad.  And I have so many blessings around me.  I have two amazing kids that I get to stay home with.  As much as I write about my dislike for Alamogordo I've made a pretty good life here and I have some amazing friends.  We are close to my parents, who gratefully come down about once a month to see us.  So truly I shouldn't complain.  I just crave stability and I want a place to call home.


Emily Foley said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry April. I wish I knew how to help. The driving is hard and the single parenting is SO hard. Thank goodness he still has a job. I know for me Christmas music is often the key, and baking or putting together little gifts for friends and neighbor's. And I loooove Christmas morning with little kids, seeing their little faces light up with excitement when they see their presents, it's so fun! I hope you find something to help you feel Christmassy!

Lynne said...

I truly feel for you. My husband commuted long distance for over a year, after losing a job we moved for... It was really hard to be a single parent - especially pregnant - and mothers are nesters so it's hard to make a home; knowing you will leaving... That's a lot of stress. It sucks. AND it will get better.

Reach out to your friends, hire a babysitter and get out to the movies... Be social. Distractions are the best medicine for depression -- unless of course you need medicine; which is also OK. I've done both.

I'll be thinking of you! Hang in there and drive safe!

Summer said...

Me too. Spending the last five years as students has felt so much like this. This next year is the worst of all. We have no idea where we will be or if we will get job offers and if we do, where we will be. Tyler isn't gone as much as Chris, thank goodness, but I do sympathize with the lack of "home." I'm sorry April. It's awful when so much of your life is out of control, and spending so much time alone with kids is so hard.

Have you found a church group there that you like?