Thursday, February 23, 2017
Motherhood and Life
For me life right now is in limbo. We have an action plan, and we'll definitely be out of Alamogordo no later than 6/1. Possibly 5/1. No confirmation as to where, which is where my anxiety comes in. Chris and I are trying our best to take control of the "where" but when it comes down to it we'll have to entertain any location where a job is offered. For now Chris continues to work in Northern California 4 days a week. He leaves at 3am Monday morning, and arrives back home around 11pm Thursday night. The cycle is horrible. Sunday night usually ends with me having a break down and expressing my feelings that I can't continue like this anymore. As of right now there is no end in sight for this schedule and that also leaves me anxious. We've been living this way since September. As grateful I am that Chris as a job, I want our family to be living together full time again.
Then Monday is another hard day. I usually have another break down around 5pm, just because that's the normal time I would expect Chris home. Knowing I have 4 nights all by myself just depresses me. This week as been especially hard because I currently have 2 sick kids. Helena has been sick with a bad cough and cold since last weekend, and just yesterday Bennett has gotten a runny nose. And now I have a runny nose. The good side of the sickness? Both kids are taking naps. Which has given me the opportunity to catch up on TV and writing this post. I've been doing laundry all week because our dryer sucks and is taking 3 hours to dry a load. Plus we've been out of the house everyday this week, which has helped the time past. Monday: I can't remember (I think Wal-mart?). Tuesday: MOPs. Wednesday: Bennett's 9 month well. Thursday: Highlander oil change.
It's hard when your days are full but then at the end of your day you can't remember a single thing you did. As a Mom I feel like the most underappreciated task of each day is the simple ending of keeping you and your kids alive. Not that the opposite is an option, but I truly feel like I've done something right when at the end of the day my kids are sleeping soundly in their beds. Plus raising kids is hard. Not only am I trying to raise human beings, I'm trying to raise human beings that are nice, respectful, sweet, funny, courageous, loving, and opinionated. That takes the task to a whole other level.
Right now I can't leave Bennett alone. He's mobile, and he is fast. So if I want a simple moment to go to the bathroom or forbid take a shower, he's got to be either in the pack 'n play, walker, highchair, or crib. And Helena. This girl as an attitude. She's bossy and I hate that she gets her mad-tone from me. She doesn't eat, and mealtime is usually the time of day I least look forward to. She gets into everything. She takes her step-stool all over the house and gets up to grab anything and everything. She's exhausting.
I'm in constant state of wondering if I'm doing this right. I think the biggest thing about being a mom is you are immediately emerged in it. Sure you have 9 months to prepare, but nothing prepares you for being a mom until that baby actually exits your body. I was thinking about what I could compare it to, and the closest thing that came to mind was getting a new job. But there are some obvious (and big differences). When you start a new job. You get training. You get help. You get support. You get the ask questions. You get 8 hours of sleep. You get to go home after 8 hours. Usually when I start a new job I dream about that job. In my mind that's my why of processing the day, soaking up what I learned. I've never dreamed about my mom-job. And I think that's because becoming a mom is everything all at once. You don't get training. You don't get help. You don't get support. You don't get to ask questions. You are sleep deprived while doing this new "job". Your job is 24/7. Now, of course you do get some help and some support, but for the most part you are just immersed in caring for a newborn. The expectation is that everything needs to work. And it's so hard. You don't recognized for "working" and you don't get paid! All I know is that this momma needs a break.