Thursday, February 23, 2017

Motherhood and Life

I've been thinking a lot of Motherhood lately.  Especially now that I'm current in a rut.  A really bad, depressive, anxiety-filled rut.  I've been wondering why motherhood is so hard.  Right now Helena is in full on terrible two stage, and I'm mentally preparing because I hear 3 is worse.  But then I feel guilty...why always (ALWAYS) with the mom guilt?!  Because in some aspects Helena is amazing and loving and perfect just how she is.  She's just 2.  I wish I could bring myself to remember that during the moments of frustration, the moments of yelling, the moments of repeating myself over and over and over and over again.  I feel bad when she wants to hang on me, and kiss and cuddle on me when we are eating dinner.  When I ask her for the thousandth time to not play on Bennett's toys.
For me life right now is in limbo.  We have an action plan, and we'll definitely be out of Alamogordo no later than 6/1.  Possibly 5/1.  No confirmation as to where, which is where my anxiety comes in.  Chris and I are trying our best to take control of the "where" but when it comes down to it we'll have to entertain any location where a job is offered.  For now Chris continues to work in Northern California 4 days a week.  He leaves at 3am Monday morning, and arrives back home around 11pm Thursday night.  The cycle is horrible.  Sunday night usually ends with me having a break down and expressing my feelings that I can't continue like this anymore.  As of right now there is no end in sight for this schedule and that also leaves me anxious.  We've been living this way since September.    As grateful I am that Chris as a job, I want our family to be living together full time again.
Then Monday is another hard day.  I usually have another break down around 5pm, just because that's the normal time I would expect Chris home.  Knowing I have 4 nights all by myself just depresses me.  This week as been especially hard because I currently have 2 sick kids.  Helena has been sick with a bad cough and cold since last weekend, and just yesterday Bennett has gotten a runny nose.  And now I have a runny nose.  The good side of the sickness?  Both kids are taking naps.  Which has given me the opportunity to catch up on TV and writing this post.  I've been doing laundry all week because our dryer sucks and is taking 3 hours to dry a load.  Plus we've been out of the house everyday this week, which has helped the time past.  Monday: I can't remember (I think Wal-mart?).  Tuesday: MOPs.  Wednesday: Bennett's 9 month well.  Thursday: Highlander oil change.
It's hard when your days are full but then at the end of your day you can't remember a single thing you did.  As a Mom I feel like the most underappreciated task of each day is the simple ending of keeping you and your kids alive.  Not that the opposite is an option, but I truly feel like I've done something right when at the end of the day my kids are sleeping soundly in their beds.  Plus raising kids is hard.  Not only am I trying to raise human beings, I'm trying to raise human beings that are nice, respectful, sweet, funny, courageous, loving, and opinionated.  That takes the task to a whole other level.
Right now I can't leave Bennett alone.  He's mobile, and he is fast.  So if I want a simple moment to go to the bathroom or forbid take a shower, he's got to be either in the pack 'n play, walker, highchair, or crib.  And Helena.  This girl as an attitude.  She's bossy and I hate that she gets her mad-tone from me.  She doesn't eat, and mealtime is usually the time of day I least look forward to.  She gets into everything.  She takes her step-stool all over the house and gets up to grab anything and everything.  She's exhausting.
I'm in constant state of wondering if I'm doing this right. I think the biggest thing about being a mom is you are immediately emerged in it.  Sure you have 9 months to prepare, but nothing prepares you for being a mom until that baby actually exits your body.  I was thinking about what I could compare it to, and the closest thing that came to mind was getting a new job.  But there are some obvious (and big differences).  When you start a new job.  You get training.  You get help.  You get support.  You get the ask questions.  You get 8 hours of sleep.  You get to go home after 8 hours.  Usually when I start a new job I dream about that job.  In my mind that's my why of processing the day, soaking up what I learned.  I've never dreamed about my mom-job.  And I think that's because becoming a mom is everything all at once.  You don't get training.  You don't get help.  You don't get support.  You don't get to ask questions.  You are sleep deprived while doing this new "job".  Your job is 24/7.   Now, of course you do get some help and some support, but for the most part you are just immersed in caring for a newborn.  The expectation is that everything needs to work.  And it's so hard.  You don't recognized for "working" and you don't get paid!  All I know is that this momma needs a break.

1 comment:

Emily Foley said...

You really do. Figure out a way for a break. Even if you just hire a baby-sitter for Mondays from 5-6, you can go out to eat by yourself and cry and then go back to it. It makes a huge difference to have a few minutes to yourself. I was telling Dave the other night that I have not had one waking minute without a kid in over 3 weeks...a sleeping minute either, since Jonas sleeps in our room...and that I was about to lose it. Literally Finn is waking up at 5:30 am and Isaac is going to bed at 10:30 pm and Jonas isn't napping. So now I take Noah to Cub Scouts on Wednesdays all by myself, he keeps the kids, and I have an hour. Just one hour. But it makes such a difference and I look forward to that hour like you wouldn't believe. Last week I just washed and vacuumed out my car, but I did it ALONE. This week I played the piano at the church while I waited for him. That one hour...I know I said this on a previous post, but find a friend that will swap with you, find SOMETHING because you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of these babies. You're doing a great job, and needing a break doesn't mean you're not. I hope you figure it out April!