Tuesday, May 24, 2011

a force of nature?

I recently had a conversation with someone new in my life. We were talking about some of the hardest things we’ve had to do in our lives. With this subject I honestly feel blessed, because I haven’t really had all that horrible things happen to me for me to work through in my life. I’ve dealt with depression twice in my life and had one true horrible heartbreak. But really that’s it. And really those things aren’t that bad, compared to what some people have to go through and get through. I do have other struggles in my life, but those are things I deal with everyday, things that will always be a work in progress throughout the rest of my life. And I’m ok with that. I think part of dealing with life’s struggles is knowing that some just won’t ever go away. That they are there to be part of your life, not just to get through. Does that make sense?

Anyways, while my mother was here I was telling her about this conversation, and I had a moment of clarity. I realized that the path of my life back in 2007 and 2008 wasn’t a good one. Now granted I’ve always known this but I realized that it was me who put a stop to it. I found myself walking in a maze with only one way out. Only one road to one very destructive ending. My road lead to an unhappy, obese, depressed, lonely, fat lady. That’s what I was on many levels during that time, and the road carved ahead me solidified that. That was what I had made of my life since 2006. Growing more depressed and more overweight. Having no real direction except for the one in front of me. Why try and change, when this was so clearly my future? Why go against what seems to be so natural? But somewhere along the road in front of me, I decided to carve a different path. Make my own way other than the one in front of me. I literally beat down the walls around me in my life to make a change. To have my road lead to a different ending. Become a different person, create a different road. Everything in me was going against what I was doing…I was changing what was “suppose” to happen. Not only did I change where my road was to lead me, but I also gained everything in between. I kept digging until I was so far away from that road that there would never be an option of going back. Never. To this day I am still digging, and I know that I always will be...digging, fighting, working, for a better me.

Making my own way has easily been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Changing the entire course of my life hasn’t been an easy thing to do. But realizing that where my life goes is up to me has been a huge power. At the time I didn’t realize it, and it saddens me that for so long I was ok with the road I was on of being a unhappy, obese, depressed, lonely, fat lady. But it is amazing to me that I can tell my story to someone new and that person can recognize the hard work it takes to make a decision to change your life so fully. Because this person too has changed their life.

We make decisions every single day. Most decisions are small, but some are big, and stand out for the rest of our life. Most decisions are also somewhat easy to make, because we know what we want. Granted my decision to lose weight was an easy one to make, but to actually do it. That’s completely different, especially when I’m going against what was “suppose” to happen. Doing the opposite of what nature had intended. It's not easy, but I am proof that it can be done.

treadmill 15min/barbell strength 60min


Anonymous said...

And so my darling daughter . . .
You are proof positive of hope, faith, encouragement and our motivation. Thank you for your blog and sharing . . . we are all greatful.

Love you bunches and miss you, hope you have a wonderful experience at Boulder Boulder. Can hardly wait for your blog.


Sarah Zook said...

You are such an amazing woman, April! We all are so lucky to have you in our lives and appreciate all the wonderful things YOU bring to enrich our lives. Your perspective and light and drive and gust for a fulfilling and meaningful life is inspiring. Love you!!!!!!!

Jimmy said...

So glad you see that in yourself. I don't even know you and I'm proud of what you've done with your life.