Friday, May 20, 2011

just kidding

I spoke too soon. You would think I would learn my lesson, listen to my cousin Kari. J and I are no longer. Last night we were suppose to go to dinner and see my friends Aerial show, but yesterday afternoon he called me left me a message requesting I call him. Now I had a specific conversation lined up for when we saw each other. A conversation to probe what “this” is, talk openly about where we are going, and to hopefully come to the conclusion that we are indeed on the same page. When I called him back and was headed over to his place he basically said the same thing, that he wanted to make sure that were on the same page and that he was having some doubts. I told him I was relived he brought up the conversation, and that I want to talk about it, but that I’m driving and if we could talk about it once I got to his place. He agreed. Once I arrived at his place we spoke about the past few days. I hadn’t heard from him Tuesday or Wednesday so we just got caught up, and expressed my disappointment in not hearing from him. I asked him what his doubts were, and he basically told me that he has gut feeling that I’m not “the one”. And that he doesn’t want to ignore what his gut is telling him, and that if I am having the same doubts that yes we can continue to see one another, but he doesn’t want to lead me on. Basically what ended up happening is my doubts are with me, and not with us. Which determined we aren’t on the same page. At one point in time we discussed slowing things down and agreed to give it a try, but determined that wasn’t a good idea. We both like each other a lot, and what he does know about me he does like, but he doesn’t see marriage in our future. This hurts a lot. I obviously can’t change his mind, and make him feel something that he doesn’t feel. But now I’m questioning everything and doubting everything and replaying everything in my head. I get so wrapped up in wanting something. And the fact that I truly like this guy is a big deal. He’s the first guy in a long time that I thought I could actually start a real relationship with.

At one point in time I left his house, only to return for some more closure. I hate the end of things, because I don’t want to regret anything. There’s a lot of pressure to try and say everything that you want to say when you know you aren’t going to see someone again. He’s such a great guy, and he told me that things are great when we are together, but his doubts arise when we are apart, which is why I hadn’t heard from him the past two days.

Now I have to start all over. Which is so emotionally draining to think about. On Easter Sunday I joined eHarmony. Which is how I met J. This site is very overwhelming. You don’t do any searching, they send you your matches. J was my very first match, and the first guy to communicate with me. The first week was intense, with telling each other our life stories. Which for me included dealing with my depression, weight issues, and weight loss. Telling him about making that decision to create a healthier life for myself. Going through that isn’t easy. And the idea of starting brand new again, meeting someone else, going through the initial stages just seems so draining. But I don’t want to give up, so I will continue. I think I go so wrapped up in the whole eHarmony thing, and thinking how amazing it would be if my very first match turned out to be The One. I told everybody about him…before we had even met. He even met my mom when she was here. Stupid! Because now four weeks later I have to tell everyone that I’m not going to see him again. I need to really learn to old back. Not be so open. But really that’s part of who I am. I’m an open book. I’ve known this about myself, but at the same time I need to protect myself, my feelings, my emotions. When I first told my cousin Kari about J she told me not to share him on my blog, until I knew something serious was happening. I really wish I would have listened to her. Because look what happened. Three days after telling you all about him, I’m now telling you he is out of the picture. When in reality had I not told you about him, I wouldn’t had to tell you he left. Writing this is hard. I don’t want to write this.

Now I realize that this is for the best. I am thankful that he was honest with me about his doubts, that he didn’t just string me along because everything else was good. I give him credit for that I do, but that doesn’t mean the process doesn’t hurt. Believe me, I know that I’m better off, that I deserve better, and heck, even J pointed that out.

I hate how one person can make you so elated and happy, and then just so depressed and sad. I know that I’ll be fine, I always am, but my goodness I am not cut out for this. This roller coaster of emotions and dating. Honestly I wonder if I am even relationship material. The first week is so amazing, always every time. The guy is so into me. Then someone changes. Who knows what that is, but I can’t help but feel it is something with me, because I can’t seem to break this pattern. I thought maybe it was the quality of guy and how we were meeting. Which is why I decided to go to more reputable place like eHarmony and give that a shot. But I’ve gotten the same outcome.

I will keep going. It’s what I do. I don’t want to not try. I signed up on eHarmony for six months. Which puts me to the end of October. We’ll see what happens. What I do ask is for your happy thoughts, prayers, spirit fingers…whatever it is that you do, please send them towards me. I realize it is something small, but it is also something that I want. So I’ll take whatever it is that I can get. It can’t hurt, right? For now, I'll keep doing what it is that I'm doing, because truly that is all that I can do. Trust, believe, have faith, that everything will happen exactly as it should.
treadmill 40min
elliptical 25min


the emily said...

Ugh, April. Ugh. I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't help, but I really am. He is crazy for letting you go. Crazy.

Now as for openness. I do not see anything wrong with it. You blog about your life! You don't go into detail, we don't even know this guy's NAME. I don't think you should be embarrassed. That's how dating works. You date people, and it doesn't work out, until it does. You know?

You should read this blog:

She is recently divorced and writes about dating in NYC. She is so funny and real and blogs about every little detail, good and bad, of her life. You should start at the beginning so you understand who she's talking about (she uses a lot of initials and acronyms that you won't understand). She seriously writes EVERY DETAIL (sleepovers included) and I promise you won't feel like you're too open on your blog after reading a few of her posts. Plus it will cheer you up immensely. It always does me! :)

reflections said...

the whole concept of dating makes me want to vomit and run away. Embrace that you are ready to embark on the journey and whatever may come. I can't even get myself to want to date...and I don't have time. (literally, no time). Putting yourself out there is never going to be easy but if you are truly ready the right one will come along. My therapist and I were talking this week and I told her if the most awesome guy in the world landed in my life right now I would still run. I am not ready. It sounds like you ARE. Have you ever heard of the book The Power of Now by Eckheart Tolle? I highly recommend it.

Anonymous said...

My dearest April aka Denver Angel:

A very warm fuzzy hard hug . . .

My feelings are raw. Don't even know where to begin. Yes, he was nice very many things where good about J but missing the affectionate nature you need and deserve. First match if you look at the statistics are probably not always going to be the one in more cases than not.

So I will call.

Love you so much it hurts, MOM

sarahlove said...

So I can't stop thinking about something you wrote in 'crazy head girl' post. (The one prior to this post.)

You said, 'for now i'm trying to be cool calm collected cool chick april' After this 'cool calm April' has a week of dating a guy does something change in you? AND WHY are you trying to be cool? You ARE WITHOUT TRYING to be. Just be you April. I promise there is someone who is going to meet you and just be thrilled that you are just being yourself. (I know you have probably heard that last part a zillion times.) Really though, think about that first week and how exciting it is and WHY that changes or feels different on weeks two or three. AND why is the communication so constant during the first week then you end up waiting.... til he texts you? (that doesn't happen) Or calls you? (then that doesn't happen either). I mean do you stop communicating too?

I hope I wasn't out of line. I just care about you and want you to really know that you are awesome for who you are.


sarahlove said...

I kinda might have rambled a bit... and I apologize for that. Or being out of line. Sorry!