being the fat kid

Overall I had a pretty active weekend. I got outside did some workouts. It felt good. Sad to say but I can’t remember the last time I was active and worked out on both a Saturday and a Sunday.

My main motivation for going to the gym Saturday morning was to weight myself. I was good with Weight Watchers all week long (tracked my food Monday through Saturday) and wanted to see if I had any results to input on my actual weight loss. I’m down to 188. Not good. But not bad, as it is a loss. I’ve lost 3 pounds. And am slowly becoming more strict with myself and the food that goes in my mouth.

Friday night Chris and I ate out on the patio, and he asked if I wanted a drink. I said no. He asked why, and I let him know I didn’t want to drink the calories. He then asked “So does this mean no more wine?” I said “Yes, for a while. But that just because I’m not drinking it doesn’t mean you can’t.” He stated “But if I want a drink of wine, it’s because I want to share wine with you.” Drinking is such a social thing. And even though I don’t want this diet to affect him, I can’t help that it will. He’s stated that there is nothing wrong with him being healthy too, but he isn’t over weight. Has never been over weight, and in general has never really been around overweight people. This is where Chris and I differ. He can’t sympathize with where I’ve been, or where I am currently. And I don’t expect him to. It’s just different.

Anyways after a short 35 minute jog/walk on the treadmill Saturday morning, Chris and I drove to Boulder to go on a hike. I’m happy to know that even though I can’t get Chris in the gym, I can get him outdoors and on a hike (plus a couple of walks around the neighborhood we’ve been on recently). I’ve always wanted to check out Chautauqua Park. So that’s where we went. This is a very popular place! Lots of people hiking around, including toddlers and seniors (easily 60+). Seeing such a broad range of hikers, helped in my confidence and got me thinking “if they can do it, I certainly can too”). The park itself offers lots of trails which cover every level of difficulty. We initially started off on the basic Chautauqua trail which has a pretty big jump in incline and definitely got me breathing heavy. Once we got to the second break-off point we decided to make our decent. The trail we didn’t take is the Royal Arch Trail. I’ve heard of this trail on numerous times, and this a summertime goal for Chris and I. I’ve heard it’s definitely more strenuous to get to, but that the view is well worth the trek. I’m anxious to give this hike a go later in the summer. Round trip our hike was only an hour, but it was fun with Chris, and brought back some uncomfortable childhood memories.

I’m really not comfortable with any sort of physical activity. Growing up as a fat kid, whenever physical activity was brought up or PE at school, I immediately would get nervous and anxious. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of blocking it out but I know I was teased mercifully as a kid. Especially during recess and PE, when being active is the main activity.

Once on a field trip in elementary school we went on a hike. The whole time I was so nervous. And so slow. Scared to fall, scared of being noticed. On this specific field trip my mom was with me (which was a rare occasion) and we were at the end of the hike, going down the mountain. Everyone was ahead of me, and I was (of course) last. As I was trying to catch up with everybody, I fell. Hard. Got the wind knocked out of me. I lost my breath completely, was facing up at the blue sky, and scared out of my mind. My mom came to my rescue, and an old truck came and picked us up. Take my fear of physical activity and add getting the wind knocked out of me, and I pretty much fear going down a mountain, even to this day.

So while on our way down on this hike Saturday morning, Chris is giving me a hard time about going so slow. When I tell him the above story. Which gets me thinking about this fear that I have. And that it hasn’t gone away and that it probably never will. That even though I’m active now (although not as active as I was prior to meeting Chris) that I’m still pretty active. But how with every race that I’ve done I’m always so nervous. I’m scared I’m going to be last, that I’m going to fall, I’ll hurt myself.

I think that this fear will always be with me. In general I do feel comfortable in the gym. I don’t mind being up front in the group fitness classes that I take. I’m most comfortable on the elliptical just because that machine as always been my go-to piece of equipment regardless of what shape I’m in. And the machine that I was comfortable on when I was 250+ pounds. I’m still not super comfortable on the treadmill, or with most of the weights.

I think for the most part my fear comes with the outdoors. I hate the elements. Too hot, too windy, too cold. The bugs, the dirt, other people around me and observing me.

Is this weird? I suppose so. But growing up the fat kid, this is the complex I know have as a adult, trying to get rid of this person.

I remember 4 years ago (July 2008) I was home attending my 10 year high school reunion. One night I went to dinner with a group of girls, then we all hung out at somebody’s house. I was the fattest person there (an observation I still make to this day), which to be honest was easily done, because this was the time I was around the heaviest I had ever been. And during one of the conversations one of the girls makes a comment by saying “I wasn’t fat in high school. I don’t know why I was so focused on being skinny, because I was skinny.” It was a statement something to that effect, I’m sure you get my point. And immediately all of the other girls agreed. And in my head I was thinking “I have NO idea what these girls are talking.” I was fat in high school and I’m fatter now. The other strong thought in my head was “I’m never going to know what that feels like.”

I guess my point in all of this, is how me being the fat kid is still with me. And is something that not a lot of people can relate to. A lot of people are working to be their “high school skinny” when even though I’m currently still 12 pounds away from my lowest weight, I’m still smaller now that what I was in high school.

rachel, alisha, michelle, angela, melissa, and i

This really struck me while I was on my hike with Chris, and trying to explain to him why I’m moving so slow. All along while chanting in my head "At least I'm going faster than the person sitting on the couch."