Can you change without truly changing? Back in October or November I bought a pair of size 12 jeans from the Gap. At the time I did try them on. I had to literally squeeze into them. They looked horrible, BUT I got them on zipped and buttoned. Right now I only really have one pair of jeans that I like, and truly fit me. They are the size 14’s I got from the Tommy Hilfiger store on Thanksgiving. A couple of weekends ago I decided to try on the size 12’s from the Gap just to see what they would look like. To my amazement I decided that they looked good, that they fit, and that I would wear them out...in public. Never in my life have I been a size 12. Never.ever. I will admit they are still a little bit tight, but I can wear them and feel somewhat “normal”. With this accomplishment you would think that since my pant size has gone down, that so has my weight. Not true. In fact the opposite. I am still struggling. I weighted myself a few weeks ago, the first time since I was at the doctor in January. 182. Back in the 180’s…UGH!!!!!!!
Want to know why? Because I went on a couple of binges. I’ve mentioned in the past that prior to my weight loss journey I never did such things, like binging. Never. But going on a “diet” creates this mental block in my head, and because I’ve done it before, I feel the need to consume all things bad. I would say about a month ago now, I bought a tube of cookie dough. I ate that whole thing in about three days. How disgusting is that?! Then just as I made my proclamation that Monday was THE day, while doing all of my healthy food shopping in preparation for the week, I bought some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream (frozen yogurt) AND some Klondike bars. Um, hello….since when are those items “healthy”. You want to know what is worse? I had a blog in my head where I threw the remaining five Klondike bars in the trash after having one, taking a picture of them in the trash and posting about said binge, but being proud that I threw them away. That blog never happened. Why? Because I ate all of those stupid bars, and all of that ice cream. How about the more obvious question of: WHY did I buy those items in the first place?! I can’t even begin to tell you the conversations I have in my head while grocery shopping. Or making decisions about what to eat. When I’m not hungry and thinking about it, but also knowing that eventually that sweet tooth will come back and haunt me I chant to myself: “just say no, April. Just say NO!!!” Like it is a drug…which I have discussed before. But why when I am hungry and when that sweet tooth is aching inside of me, I just CAN’T say no? That whole prior conversation of “Just say no” is nowhere to be seen. So I will start again, all of the bad things are (again) out of the house, because I consumed them all (again), in combination of all the healthy items. I will say that I have been eating more veggies, and I hope that soon my mental being will catch up to the rest of me. One thing that I forgot about eating healthy is the prep work involved. This whole thing just takes a lot of work. Nothing about this is easy.
So how is it that I am changing? Lately I’ve had people at the gym come up to me and tell me how great I look. When in my honest opinion I feel like I haven’t changed at all since October. Even weirder is that these people are ladies I swear I have never seen before in my life. I like to think that I’m a pretty observant person, that I take notice of the people around me. So it catches me completely off guard when someone in the locker room comes up to me and tells me how great I look, especially when I don’t ever remember seeing them. Then there are the regulars around me that tell me I’ve lost more weight…these people are usually people who work at the gym, and I have a theory that they just tell me I look like I’ve lost more weight, because they know I have more weight to lose but they see I haven’t changed over the last few months, and are encouraging me to keep on going. I actually told this theory to one of the guys that recently complimented me on my new weight loss and sees me regularly and he told me that I was mistaken. That if he thinks I have lost weight, he will tell me so. So I guess that is good to know. So again, how can I change without actually changing? Why can’t the numbers and the sizes not play such a big part? Rather than just be healthy?! What describes you? Small, Medium, or Large?! Who cares? For me what matters, is that I gonna keep on keepin’ on. And honestly I feel better being more open and honest about what it is that I eat. That these are my slip ups. Putting it out there lets me tackle it more fully rather than being in denial and just saying “yeah I’ve eaten like crap lately.”Let the journey continue!