being addicted

that's me in the middle row, 2nd to last next to the teacher

recently during this journey i've found lots of specific weight loss blogs. and as i've stated my blog isn't specifically a weight loss blog, but losing weight is a huge part of my life right now, so it is bound to come up more frequently as a subject on my blog because of this life i am currently leading. with that said, this post is going to be about my thoughts on being overweight. with that said, this is a long post, FYI.



i've been overweight my entire life. above is a picture of me in kindergarten. i'm the only "chubby" girl in the photo. i hated PE as a child, doing anything active, i was always the last one to finish. i grew up in an unhealthy home, and am an only child. i did do numerous activities with my cousins Greg and Nikki growing up (we are closest in age) but that was pretty much it. my mom did the cooking in the house, and as much as i love her, her cooking talents were minimal. not only that, our meals very rarely had fruits and veggies. mixed with all of those factors i started at a very young age wanting love and approval from my father. growing up and even now as an adult receiving love and approval from my dad is not really shown. this has always been difficult for me, and what i believe is the root cause of my being overweight. mainly because who truly loves an overweight person? i think subconsciously in my head i was telling myself that my father didn't (doesn't) love me because i'm ugly (overweight). and if i lost weight and was pretty (thin) my dad still wouldn't love me, so what was the point? i've struggled with letting all of this out there. i've been mainly waiting until i was comfortable enough to be honest with myself to let this out, because the truth hurts. things are better now 100%, and i know my dad approves of me, is proud of me, and loves me. i just wish i could get it more often than what i do.

now that that's out in the open, lets move on. i was speaking to my cousin kari about this a couple of weeks ago. we both have our own personal struggles with weight so it is often a topic we discuss. and she mentioned OA-Overeaters Anonymous. that lead into addictions. their are many things a person can be addicted to. i think it safe to say that most bad addictions are illegal things. drugs of course being the main one. let me ask a question? when you are walking down the street do you know if someone is a drug addict?, or an alcoholic? no you don't. these people don't look any one way. but if you are walking down the street do you know if someone is overweight? yes. why? because you can see it. and i just think that is so unfair. because of this people make judgments without every knowing a person. i'll use myself as an example. do i look like a person who goes the gym 5 days a week (sometimes 6) and works out 6 - 8 hours a week? no. but we all i know that i do. but that doesn't mean people won't judge me when they see me. i'm sure some people still see me and think "she's lazy" or "she eats too much." etc... it is just so frustrating that people see me and can make a judgment about me, without knowing my story. but when you see a drug addict or an alcoholic those same prejudgments aren't made because their addictions don't have a physical side effect. because of these differences overweight people are poorly judged all the time. it just isn't fair. not too say that i want a drug addict to be judged, if this were a perfect world i would love to have people not judge overweight people or anyone for that matter. although i have to say i sometimes am that person who passes judgment. i'll see an overweight person and wonder why they aren't doing anything about it? same goes for people who have taken what i consider the "easy way out" by having surgery. i had a friend who had the surgery a little bit more than 2 years ago, and when she first got the surgery, i was jealous. so so jealous. she was finally losing her weight, and i wasn't. in fact around the time she had her surgery done, i was at my heaviest. so even though i hate being judged, in all honesty i'm still judging people. however, i do know that each person's story is different, and i'm learning from that.

moving on. so while talking with my cousin she made a very very good point. we need food to survive. food is everywhere. and ever since i started my new plan, majority of the food around us is bad. food is something we have to have, or else we will die of starvation. do people need alcohol or drugs to live, to survive, to breath? no. but people do it, and do die from it. i myself have never done an illegal drug, ever. not too say that their weren't times it was available to me, but i was told by my dad when i was in middle school: "april, don't do drugs." and well i'm scared crazy of my dad, so i listened to him. i suppose my point in this, is for people who are addicted to food, or trying to lose weight, or are watching what they eat, it is harder than if you were addicted to something else. illegal drugs aren't readily available on every street corner, like starbucks or mcdonalds. now of course i'll live if i never have starbucks or mcdonalds again, but i do need food to live. it just hurts that out of all the other addictions out there mine of being overweight is the one discriminated on the most. i suppose my whole point to all of this, when daily nutrients (food) are required to survive, it's really hard when food is the substance you are addicted to. i personally don't believe that i'm addicted to food, but while consciously being aware of the food around me, majority of it is bad. so although majority of the people say no to these temptations or give in only in moderation, when you are overweight it is super easy to say "why not?" especially if it is right in front of you. one habit that i have recently acquired is having something colorful on my plate at every meal. fruits, veggies, or both, bright colors on my plate are a good thing! now i know that other addictions can be just as hard to over come and i'm not trying to say that they are easy. i'm just using them in comparison to how i'm feeling during my own personal weight loss journey.

i suppose my whole point to this is that it isn't fair. that people judge overweight people. that they assume they are lazy. that our faults are physical, so that the whole world can see them. in general life isn't fair, and i get that. but this is just another mixture of feelings i wanted to share with you.

on another note, i officially passed my half way point to this years over achiever's goal of 247. i'm currently at 125 workouts this year and it isn't yet the end of june! i had a friend ask me recently if once i hit my goal if i'll continue going to the gym as much as i do. i immediately answered yes. although i have learned that what you eat is a huge part of losing weight, i believe that working out is the main part in maintaining weight. so i think continuing to workout once i reach my goal, will be a huge part in staying at my goal. in the future i can definitely see myself changing my workouts depending on my life. for example, if i start dating someone, and it becomes serious. or if i have kids. but i have a feeling i'll always at least get in 3 workouts a week regardless of my life, and what's going on in it. working out makes me sain and i'm a little bit addicted to the gym and working out at this point in my life so don't see that i'll ever stop going. and that's a good feeling to have!

elliptical 45min
treadmill 35min
670