who i will never be again

my official "before" pictures:

Christmas 2006
Kyle, Cheryl, Brad, me, and Greg

Las Vegas April 2007
Mom and I

Promotion Party May 2008
Denise and I

if those pictures aren't motivation, i'm not too sure what is. i have no clue what i was at my heaviest, but i'm pretty sure it is there in one of those 3 pictures. say good bye to her, because you'll never see her again.

one thing that i don't want, is for my blog to become a weight loss blog, because really it is so much more. and my life is so much more than this. but lately it has been consuming my mind, and i feel the need to document it. as you can tell, i'm a picture person. i like to post pictures, and really i don't mind posting pictures of myself. one of my good qualities is that i'm photogenic. honestly, i know this about myself, and well i take advantage of it. who wouldn't? really. anyways, a fabulous thing about this here blog is the fact that i can go back and look at myself. like i've stated in the past, i'm a journal writer, but the only thing in my journal are words. i enjoy going back and seeing what i used to look like. although it isn't a huge difference in my mind, i can see a difference, which is rewarding.

this slimgenics program is hard. and i'm finding myself needing motivation when i am starving and want to snack on something bad. and last night i sorta had a moment of realization. i couldn't sleep. i was tossing and turning and realized that it was my diet that was occupying my mind. this past weekend i cheated while on plan. i had some cheese, some sour cream, and non-fat dressing. yes, it could have been worse, but these small indulgences caused me to gain 2 pounds. when i first saw that on the scale, i truly thought no big deal. yes it sucks (of course) but i'll get back on track and lose it again. usually has a start of something new or big i always dream about it, because i find myself that i'm thinking about it has a fall asleep. this has happened with every single full time job that i've had, it happened in HS the night before taking a big test, before traveling on a big trip, and now with this new eating plan. my point is, i've never dreamed about losing weight, going to the gym, imaging what i'm going to eat the next day. thinking about these things last night made me realize that i can do it. for me the fact that i'm thinking about it before i'm going to bed, shows me that i'm learning to actually incorporate it into my everyday life. make it into a life style change. like when starting a new job, it becomes your life. no, not fully, but you know what i mean. and i suppose one some level i did think about my working out plan before i had a real routine of it because i would have to think about when i was going to go the gym. and now like work and going to the gym i don't think about it, because now it is a habit. i know how to do it, and so i just do it without it causing to keep me up at night. so although it caused me to stay up late last night, my thoughts about what it is that i'm going to eat was actually a good thing. for me it was my subcoucious getting in sync with the rest of me. and before i know, it'll just be habit. will that make it any easier. unfortunately no. is it still hard for me to go home, change immediately, just to leave again to go to the gym? YES! but do i still do it? YES! will i still cheat? YES. but i know i will make up for it. like on the weeks i only go to the gym 4 times, i make up for it by going to the gym 6 days another week. my goal will be to have the same pattern for my food, once i reach my goal weight. like the habit of going to the gym, i had to gain the actual habit of going 5 times a week first on a consistent basis to truly call it a habit. now that is a habit i have a little bit of wiggle room. right now i don't have that wiggle room with my food. which is why i am on this plan to begin with. so once i have the actual habit and am down to my goal weight, i'll have that little bit of wiggle room to eat what i want, and have a little bit of give and take like how i do now with my workouts.

this brings me to my numbers. today while browsing the blogging world, i found this blog (www.escapefromobesity.blogspot.com) all about this woman's journey on weight loss. although i like to think that part of my appeal of my blog is my honesty about things this woman is really honest. when i think about getting to my goal weight i have contemplated about what exactly i'll write about. i know that i'll definitely put how much weight i have lost total because that is going to a proud proud day, and i've thought about putting what my actual end weight (goal weight) is when i get to it, but if i have the total number of pounds i have lost, AND what my current weight is, that means the people reading it can add it TOGETHER to find out what i was, at my heaviest. and well i'm not too sure i've comfortable with the world knowing that. granted i still have some time to think about this, and i'll have what will be my state of mind at that time to all take into consideration. but this woman, she has let it all out there. and i think that is amazing.

i realize that i was all over the place with this post, but that's kinda how my head is right now: all over the place.

elliptical 20min
zumba 60min