Tuesday, October 5, 2010

i'm not scared

so today at work, i was reminiscing about the past. i went back in my blog and read this post from february 2009. i remember my life at that time, and it isn't a fond memory. but it shows how far i have come. the other day i spoke to both my cousin nikki and my cousin kari for long periods of time catching up talking about life. i'm very fortunate to call both of these family members friends as well, and they have been along this ride since the very beginning. so they too, have seen how far i have come over the past 2 years.

it is safe to say that my life is dramatically different from what it was 2 years ago. ...even 12 months ago, or a few months ago for that matter. and not in the physical since, although i have obviously changed that way too, but that's not what i'm talking about. kari asked "do you think that your life would be what is now had you not lost weight?" now it may seem like a silly question, because what is the point in knowing the answer when it doesn't really change anything. with any "what if" scenario you just never know. but it made me ponder.
now majority of the things that i do outside of work, and outside of the gym are with friends that i have made from the gym. and i like to think that had i met these friends and was still the same size/weight i was 2 years ago, that yes they would still be my friends. that i would still be doing things with them outside of working out. so i think in regards to the new friends that i have and the fact that i'm building relationships with these friends, i say "no, i don't think that my weight loss has anything to do with them now being in my life." but of course i met them at the gym, and we workout together, and do healthy actives together, so weight loss is bound to happen, just because these new friends are healthy.
then the question of my love life came up. i have had 3 dates in the past week and half (more on that later). and i said that i do think that my weight loss does play a factor in regards to that role of my life. especially because i'm pretty sure all 3 of these first dates will lead to a second date. ...although i'm not too sure that i want to see one of the dates. anyways.

as the scale keeps going down i definitely see a difference in how i am treated by the opposite sex. and it is weird. guys are a lot more touchy feely, and guys introduce themselves to me. ...two things that never really happened before. i even got a friend request from this guy on facbook that i don't know.
i still have things that i need to work on. mainly inviting. amongst my friends i'm not the one to invite them to do anything. mainly because i don't think i have anything to offer. plus i am so used to doing my errands by myself and going out by myself that i never really think of inviting anyone to join me. so i'm working on that. because i think i need to put myself out there more. life is just a work in progress, and i am definitely progressing!
with this progression i find that i'm not as scared as i used to be. and that definitely stuck out as i read that post for last february. about not wanting to live my life as it was at that point in time. and i'm happy and relived that my life is no longer like that. i still have some fears, but for the most part they are gone, because i feel as though i live a much fuller life with the new friendships i have. i definitely don't feel as lost as i once did, i feel like my life as a direction. i wrote in that post that i don't want this life. and with confidence i can say that i do want my life exactly how it is. i enjoy my life, and i didn't necessary feel that way 2 years ago.
it definitely shows me how far i have come. i'm happy that i can say that i like myself, and that i'm still improving myself.
treadmill 45min


the emily said...

How cool that you have documentation of this whole process. What did we ever do before blogs? It's so neat to go back and read how you felt then, and how different (and better) life is for you now.

Anonymous said...

Your journey is simply fascinating...I've always thought you have alot to offer, which is why I chose you as a friend and not just a cousin. My observation from the outside is that once you gained the confidence to put yourself out there, people responded positively. I am glad you are knocking down some of those walls that you built around yourself for all those years, April. You have a lot to offer and people are finally able to see it. Yay for you and for those who will now have the pleasure of getting to know you!! -Love Kari

Wonderer said...

Blogger needs a 'like' button! :-) I'm so glad you are so happy, you deserve it! I struggle with putting myself out there, too - good luck on that part of your journey!

Nikki said...

Kari said what I was thinking too. I think confidence has been a huge help in your life, and I think people respond to that as well. I also agree with Kari, that yay for people who are getting to know you! And you are getting to know you too!