Wednesday, October 13, 2010

let's compare

lately i've been dealing with the reality that i may not ever see my body as what it is. that i'll always see my body at 265 pounds. that inside of my head i'll be that unhappy obese person. when i look in the mirror it is like i'm living a dream and that moment when i see my reflection is someone pinching me to wake me up. it is in that moment where i think i look "normal" and i stare back at myself wondering if this is truly what i look like. but then the mirror is gone along with the reflection, and so is the moment. it is at that point in time where i go back to looking what it is that i think i look like, without my true reflection in front of me.

i get my main reality from my clothes. the fact that i can now comfortably wear a size 14 pant, and a size M shirt. so i decided to take some pictures. to show myself that i am not that 265 pound person.
let's compare...
size 24W pant, with size 14 pant
now i have to say that these are the last of my fat pants, and not my biggest. i got rid of those before, then thought i should keep a pair so that i could compare at a moment like this. so the point is i did have pants that were larger than these.
size XXL top, with a size M top
i think about the person on the left that wore these clothes. how unhappy she was. how she was just going along with life, not really thinking about doing anything, but wanting to do something.
then i look at the person on the right. how cute she is. how she knows that this is the life that she wants. that she still has some hard work to do, but that she can do it.
going shopping is now fun. i know i've said this before, but i can now go into any story and try on just about anything. i am officially a size 14 pant, which i truly don't ever remember being. i can vaguely remember a time in middle school where i was a size 16, but never a 14. whenever i thought about losing weight i always told myself that my goal would be a size 12. well when i was home i tried on a size 12....i literally squeezed into them, but i got them buttoned and zipped on!!! granted i can't wear them out in public, but i got them on. i might just get to a size 10! i have also recently gone bra shopping. i went from a 40C to a 36C, and my ring size went from a size 7 to a size 5. ...i have seriously tiny fingers. and i need at least 3 links taken out of my watch. ...i can take off my watch without having to unlatch it. i even got some new workout clothes! no more super baggy pants and t-shirts. i now have cute workout clothes, and i love it! the only thing i haven't purchased new is pajama's. which might have to be next on the list. mainly because my PJ's are so big that they get all twisted when i sleep and get uncomfortable. i take that back, PJ's aren't next on the list. ...what's next is a winter coat. the winter coat i wore last winter is from old navy. it's an XXL peacoat, and it literally just hangs on me now.

my clothes are my reality. while shopping on monday my mom and i went into banana republic. i tried on everything! a pair of $80 jeans, a $200 coat, some tops....all so cute. we left the store empty handed, as it is silly to spend that much on something that'll only fit me for one season. but it was!!!
zumba 60min


Wonderer said...

You've got good taste, girlie. When you blow past sizes 14 and then 12, right on to size 10, I'd love to come raid your closet! And hopefully I'll be done with size 14 soon myself, but right now we're the same size. :-)

Oh, and you should carry those pictures with you, for quick reminders as needed. :-)

Rachel P said...

In the voice of Barney Stinson, "AWESOME!" You are such an inspiration, April!

Anonymous said...

This is great!!!! So wonderful to see and here! I know you hear this all the time but, You look great! Congratulations! - Sara Keim

Anonymous said...

Very cute outfit! You deserve to have fun and enjoy your new body! -Kari

the emily said...

SO AWESOME. I really miss those days of walking into a store and looking great in whatever you try on. It's been years since I've had fun trying on clothes. Good for you!

Nikki said...

I love this post! I am so, so,so happy for you! Yay!

reflections said...

BEYOND amazing. Such a fantastic journey, that is still happening. So happy for you! My largest was a tight 12, but I am small boned and would love to get back to a 6. I am getting there, and at some point it'll happen. But for you, it is such a huge accomplishment. I can't imagine facing that mountain. Loosing 50/60 lbs after I moved out was huge to me, and I didn't loose it the right way, I was just too stressed to eat. You've done this beautifully. Congrats!!!