Alone: Part 1 of 2

Chloe Renae ~ 6 mos ~ SO cute!

Chloe Renae and her mother Sarah Renae

*warning: long post ahead*

I went to church today. This is news because I don't normally go to church. I go back and forth quite frequently about having church in my life. This blog is going to be a two part series. A while ago I asked for topics to write about in my blog, and my friend Sarah suggested my bucket list. And ever since that suggestion, it has been in the back of my head to write about it. And well I can't fully write about "my bucket list" unless I fully put myself out their. So that is what I'm going to do. The idea is very scary, but knowing that I really only have a handful of people that read my blog, I feel ok with it. I've hinted in the past about being alone. Today I'm going to explain it. I am alone 95% of the time outside of work. And even at work I am alone, but for this purpose I'm specifically talking about my time outside of work. Today was Chloe Renae's Dedication at church. My friend(Chloe's Mother) Sarah invited me to go. I was looking forward to going to this church, because it is a Christian church. And I always have a good time at Christian services. I grew up Catholic. I once found a Catholic church here in Denver that I like, and I went for a few Sundays a while back, but stopped going. Most recently I haven't really looked into going to church, because I have Dance Jam at the gym Sunday mornings, and for me going to the gym is my number one priority right now. But I wanted to go to Chloe's Dedication, and put off the gym for this afternoon.
Chloe's Dedication was beautiful. Once the pastor said his prayer and her parents vowed to lead Chloe to know God, the pastor started talking. And what did he talk about? Being alone. On the stage they brought two chairs and a table with 2 settings, to represent a dinner table at a restaurant. The pastor asked: "How many of you have ever seen someone sitting alone out at a restaurant?" "Probably not many of you." Immediately in my head I'm thinking "Me. Me, I'm the one sitting alone at a table out at a restaurant." And I started cry. At this point in time the pastor is talking about how we aren't meant to be alone, and that God is always their with us. And I'm thinking, I know I'm not meant to be alone. Has humans we aren't meant to be alone. But out there in the world, people are alone. This is what scares me. I don't want to be alone. People tell me how they would love to go out to a movie by themselves, go out to eat by themselves. Or some people tell me that I'm brave that I do these things by myself. Well the main difference between you and me? I don't have a choice. If I didn't go out by myself, I would be more alone that what I am already, and well I don't think I could really stand that. Their are some levels of loneliness that I can live with, but doing absolutely nothing, that isn't one of them. I have to do something, even if it by myself.
One big part of being alone, is that I lack any physical contact. In the past month, I've been hugged a total of 4 times. By 4 different people, and about 4 weeks apart. In my current world of normal, often I can go a month, 2 months, maybe 3 months where I touch no one, and no one touches me. This isn't normal. Has human beings we need that physical touch, that presence of being around someone. In my daily life I don't get that.
This is why I love my baby love. Right after Chloe's dedication her mother sat next to me, holding Chloe and Chloe was rubbing my arm. If felt so good, to have another human touch me. It was the most constant touch I had had since I held Chloe a month ago. Hugs go by rather quickly, and I think that is why I love to hold baby's so much.
My point in all of this is that I'm scared. I'm scared that this is my life. This has been my life for three years. The pastor talked about the fact that God is in our life. That He is in my life. That He knows what is in store for me, tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. And if this is all their is, for me, to be alone. I. Don't. Want. That. People say that someday I'll find someone, but nobody really knows. They don't. If I knew that their was going to be more to my life I wouldn't be so scared. I would know that their is something to look forward to. But I don't know that. The main focus in my life right now is going to the gym and my blog. That's it. I'm so thankful for the gym, because I know it gets me out of the house, and gets me moving. And I know that if I didn't get those endorphin's moving around my body 5x's a week, I would be much more worse off right now than what I currently am. And for that I'm so thankful, and thankful that I know that. Which is one of the reason's why I keep myself going to the gym. Because if I stopped right now, I would just be plain depressed. I've been depressed before, and well it's no fun.
So next weekend I will probably actually answer what my bucket list is. For now that is a deeper look into me.
In all honestly, I feel like I have asked for this life. Because I do have a select few friends here in town to do things with. My past experiences however usually go with me asking a friend to do something, they agree to do something, but then they cancel, or we never get together. So now most times I do things by myself, because I don't want to be rejected by a friend. Most of the time now, I don't even ask. Which I understand is my fault, and I take full accountability for that, and now it is just what I do, because now I'm used to living my life that way. Now for the most part I don't even consider asking someone to do something with me. This is how I live my life.
The good news is, I think I'm going to bring God and His church back in my everyday life. This church as a Saturday evening service, that I can go to without it effecting my workout schedule. So I'm looking forward to building my relationship with God, and seeing where His Light will take me. For that I'm happy, instead of questioning everything. And learn to be more trusting.

PS After Chloe's Dedication I went over to Sarah's house, and got to hold her for a good 45 minutes, if felt so good!