no regrets

i'm struggling. it isn't bad, but still a struggle is a struggle. i only worked out 4 times this week. did i have the opportunity to work out 5?, yes. do i regret this?, no. however, i will say that this morning was hard. i don't have a "set" workout on saturday mornings. the class that i sometimes do, isn't a favorite, the instructor is just ok, so when i do skip this workout it's no big deal. plus saturday is the only morning i can truly sleep in. so this morning that is what i did. after sleeping in, i thought about putting off going to the gym altogether. i tried (although not hard) to find plans to give me the "excuse" to get up and get ready, rather than get up and go workout. while lying in bed trying to decide what to do, i had the conversation with myself of: "if you don't workout today, that means you only worked out 3 times this week." and "if you don't workout today, will you regret it?" when i answered yes to that question i knew i had to go. so i went. this journey is a hard one to have regrets in. because it is your journey. you either do it, or you don't.
so that was my motivation today. not wanting to regret not doing it. you gotta do what works in that moment. that's the only way to survive. to keep going. doing what works for you at that time.
am i happy i went? of course. i'm never not happy when i leave the gym. i guess that's sorta the point.
although lately i will say trying to find the motivation to get to the gym is getting harder and harder. why is this? i have no idea. i think some of it has to be with being comfortable. too comfortable. i have a comfort level with the gym, and a habit with my workout schedule. so maybe i just don't think about it, and then when it comes to actually going...i find myself having to literally kick myself out the door.
i also think it is a mental block. the block of what i need to do. the end of this journey. losing the last of these 20+ pounds. i have a part of me that is so curious to see what it is that i'll look like with 20 pounds less on me. then i have another part of me that is scared to see what it is that i'll look like. ...part of that person is scared, because i'm afraid to fail. part of me knows that this will always be a struggle. i've been my current size for almost 5 months now...and when i see myself, i still see someone at 265 pounds. will i ever not see that person?! time will tell. until then i will keep working on finding what works.

elliptical 30min
treadmill 30min