roller coaster

my life lately has been a roller coaster. up down coasting - everything. up high low down middle. in all honesty i think this is how someone's life is suppose to be when you are single and 30 and in the dating scene, or rather a social scene. ...regardless if you are dating or not. obviously each day is different but right now i feel like each day my life is shifting. changing. preparing. with all of this work on myself some things are bound to change, right?

over the weekend i was playing catch up on my TV watching, and i watched an old episode of "private practice". ...now i realize this is a drastic comparison, but just try to follow me because i do have a point. in this episode a teenage boy tries to kill himself, and the two doctors that come see him while he is in recovery tell the boy that life does get better over time. but in order to see that it does get better you have to live your life. and if you are dead, then you'll just never know and never get to see that it does actually get better. life is full of all of these unknowns and unless you go out day to day to see what is out there, you'll just never know. their are definitely parts of my life right now where that is what i feel is happening. i don't know what is going to happen, but i do know that i want to find out, so i will continue to go out there and see what does happen. i will enjoy living my life, even if somethings may not turn out exactly how i pictured it.

thursday and friday of last week were definite lows. just when i thought and was planning for something to happen, everything just sorta disappeared. saturday and sunday were highs, and had turning points for me that let me know things were yet again, going to be ok. day to day change. that is what my life is like right now. and honestly, it is hard to keep up with. it's hard to not get extremely disappointed when things go bad, or to not get overly excited when things go good. it sucks how when something new happens the fact that it is new takes credit away from the situation. that because it is new you don't know of how much importance or time you should focus on it. because it is new it could easily go away, so then you question why you did focus so much on it, when it could end up being a waste of time. but then if you don't focus on it you'll end up with regrets, and you don't want that. ...that's how i feel anyways. which is why it is hard for me to not put my everything into something, regardless of how new or old something is.

this is when i tell myself "this was always meant to happen." that everything happens the way that it does, because that's they way it was suppose to happen. if it was suppose to be different, then it would have happened differently.

strike! 60min

634