Saturday, November 27, 2010

more talk of change

so earlier this week i was thinking about the week ahead. a big move, a short week, a holiday, four days off, when it occurred to me that this week i was coming upon a rather large milestone. although i'm not too sure if milestone is the right word. maybe memory... a memory of life and the past five years.
what surprised me about this date is that it passed without me really thinking about it. i didn't get sad, i didn't cry. i thought about it earlier, and i thought about it today. but that's it. that right there shows me how i have grown. how i can look back at my relationship with aaron and smile.
i have been single for five years. it was thanksgiving 2005 when aaron and i broke up. thinking about that i can't help but think about my life over the past 5 years. about how much i have changed.
i bought a house, changed jobs, had low lows and high highs.
a huge part that i miss is being in a relationship. i'm good in a relationship. and although i am having fun right now actively dating i really desire that deep loving relationship.

more and more i'm coming to the realization that life happens, which creates change. just when it seems as though i can't ever get out of whatever current slump i am in, things happen. i am so happy that i have taken the sign of things happening around me, and creating the change that i want for myself. making short conversations into meaningful friendships, putting myself out there and doing something so simple as being present.
but then i think about why it is i've been single for the past five years. because that's a question that comes up when you start dating someone. i think if i were to answer that question open and honestly it would be something like this "well i was extremely depressed for the first 2 and half years, getting over my heart being broken. because i was depressed i was also very unhealthy...i didn't take care of myself mentally, emotionally, or physically. and so i was gross and unattractive, and guys don't like that. and then for the later 2 and half years i've spent time working on myself and being healthy. mentally, emotionally, and physically. and now that i've focused time and energy on myself i'm ready to date." of course i don't say that, but i want to. i've had two conversations with two guys where i told them i've lost 90 pounds. the first one was extremely hard and very emotional. the second time was a little bit easier. but i feel like it is such a big part of my life that i need to share it with anybody new that enters my life. and with the world of facebook etc...and since i link my blog to facebook it is a conversation i would much rather have in person before someone reads about my life and the changes i've made in my life via my blog.
i guess what i'm trying to get across is that yes, i'm having fun right now in my life, but that i am still looking for that change. i still realize that the type of change that i want might not ever happen, but for the first time in a really really long time i'm very optimistic about the change coming to my life.
strictly strength 60min


the emily said...

I've always dreaded change and what comes with it. I think it says a lot about you and your emotional state of mind that you are looking forward to it and welcome it. Good for you!

Anonymous said...

Yes, my dear . . . trust/believe.
Beautiful things are Coming!!!

Love and miss you, MOM
Can hardly wait to see you in 3 weeks.

Anonymous said...

Love your new clothes, can hardly wait to see You in Them!
Love your pillows. And the pic of Denali with Otis in the box. How fun is life!!!

Love MOM

sarahlove said...

My dad always said that in life we always have to change because if we aren't then we become stale with life.

You are living!