my friend Rachel has a sister that lives in Boulder, and is going to some school to get her Master's in Art Therapy, or something like that. Alison just started the program and needed a "volunteer" for a therapy session. lucky for me, i was the chosen one. so yesterday i drove up to Boulder to meet Alison for some free therapy.
i have been diagnosed with depression twice in my life, and both times i was treated and "cured". this was a great opportunity for me, because what have i got to lose? i knew it definitely wouldn't hurt. in my experience it doesn't take a lot of sessions to get what you are possibly looking for. in the past when i have gone to a counselor it was never for a lengthy amount of time, each time i had a few sessions and i felt i had gotten out of it what i needed. Alison and I only had short 40 minute session, but i got a lot out of it. these are things that i've always known, but when you talk about it and say it out loud you get a different point of view. one of the things we talked about is my friends. how i don't approach them anymore, or suggest outings. because of my fear of rejection and being "over-bearing". i've known this is something i have needed to work on for quite sometime, and i'll try. it is scary though, because my fears are still there. but i need friends. along with focusing on my physical health (going the gym) i need to focus on my emotional health. because i've been so focused on my physical health, i've let myself think that all of that energy is enough. that i don't need to work on the other aspects of myself, that makes me a healthy human being. and of course, part of that is being emotionally healthy. the gym does help with that, but only to a certain extent. i need my emotions to be happy and not fooled by the "runners high" i get when at the gym. and i think creating and focusing on my existing friendships will help with that.
Alison asked if she thinks a friend would benefit from my friendship. this was difficult for me. to try and think how someone else would benefit from time being spent with me. i like to think that i have something to offer. i'm funny, witty, honest. hopefully people who spend time with me benefit from that. i suppose when i really think about it, i'm frustrated. because i used to be more out-going. i used to be good at be-friending people. i used to be good at creating friendships. i'm sure if i think about it long enough i can come up with the things that changed. i need to find who i used to be. obviously not completely, but i need to find part of her. part of the person who wasn't scared of rejection, part of the person that people want to be around. all of this is obviously a work in progress, and i like to think that nobody is ever done working on themselves so this is just part of my life. Thanks Alison!