Monday, November 9, 2009

free therapy

my friend Rachel has a sister that lives in Boulder, and is going to some school to get her Master's in Art Therapy, or something like that. Alison just started the program and needed a "volunteer" for a therapy session. lucky for me, i was the chosen one. so yesterday i drove up to Boulder to meet Alison for some free therapy.
i have been diagnosed with depression twice in my life, and both times i was treated and "cured". this was a great opportunity for me, because what have i got to lose? i knew it definitely wouldn't hurt. in my experience it doesn't take a lot of sessions to get what you are possibly looking for. in the past when i have gone to a counselor it was never for a lengthy amount of time, each time i had a few sessions and i felt i had gotten out of it what i needed. Alison and I only had short 40 minute session, but i got a lot out of it. these are things that i've always known, but when you talk about it and say it out loud you get a different point of view. one of the things we talked about is my friends. how i don't approach them anymore, or suggest outings. because of my fear of rejection and being "over-bearing". i've known this is something i have needed to work on for quite sometime, and i'll try. it is scary though, because my fears are still there. but i need friends. along with focusing on my physical health (going the gym) i need to focus on my emotional health. because i've been so focused on my physical health, i've let myself think that all of that energy is enough. that i don't need to work on the other aspects of myself, that makes me a healthy human being. and of course, part of that is being emotionally healthy. the gym does help with that, but only to a certain extent. i need my emotions to be happy and not fooled by the "runners high" i get when at the gym. and i think creating and focusing on my existing friendships will help with that.
Alison asked if she thinks a friend would benefit from my friendship. this was difficult for me. to try and think how someone else would benefit from time being spent with me. i like to think that i have something to offer. i'm funny, witty, honest. hopefully people who spend time with me benefit from that. i suppose when i really think about it, i'm frustrated. because i used to be more out-going. i used to be good at be-friending people. i used to be good at creating friendships. i'm sure if i think about it long enough i can come up with the things that changed. i need to find who i used to be. obviously not completely, but i need to find part of her. part of the person who wasn't scared of rejection, part of the person that people want to be around. all of this is obviously a work in progress, and i like to think that nobody is ever done working on themselves so this is just part of my life. Thanks Alison!

6 comments:

Wonderer said...

(((hug)))

fwiw, I feel lucky to know you, love reading your blog, and love knowing thast you read mine. :-) I wish we lived close enough to get together.

and, I love that Ali asked if you think others would benefit from spending time with you. She's great at asking these types of questions (though when she asks me "but why?" twenty times in a row, I do think about hanging up on her! ;-) )

Love you!

the emily said...

You're definitely somebody I benefit from being friends with--even if we don't see each other. I love your honesty.

I think this is something a lot of people struggle with as we get older. I know I do. I'm not the same outgoing person I was in high school or college. I don't know what changed, but I literally don't have friends anymore. I have internet friends and phone friends (because all the friends I've made have moved away) but it gets very lonely sometime without girlfriends to hang out with. I wonder why it gets harder as we get older? It seems like it should get easier.

Anonymous said...

As we get older making TIME seems to be put on the back burner.

Friendship requires TIME that as we get older gets put out of order.

April you have much to offer and finding friends that are available and with the same focus on life that you have requires TIME to find.

Enough said.

So proud of you April - your maturity and growth is becoming a very Bright Shiny attribute to your personality that we all love and adore.

Love
Mom

Nikki said...

I certainly enjoy being around you. I think it is hard to be out going when you get older, for me it's because I am not in as many organizations, like I had in high school. Also, you are dedicated to a healthy life-style and that takes a huge amount of time and energy.

fotobug said...

You are right April.

life = one big work in progress

I suppose it's so we have constant goals to strive towards? Ah heck, what do I know! I am in the middle of working on myself!! lol

Anonymous said...

April, I love being around you. You are kind, thoughtful and nonjudgemental. You are a beautiful person, inside and out and make people feel good when you are with them. I could go on and on... but, that is why I cannot wait to see you next week! It is hard when you get older and busy with "life" to make time for friends. Good friends are hard to to come by, but its easier to make time for those that give back to your friendship. Remember, its not quantity that is important, but quality. Love ya and see you soon!

PS - Sounds like you're cured! :)

Love Kari