Saturday, April 30, 2011

wednesday nights

lately wednesday nights have been hard for me. wednesday nights are my nights alone. my nights off from the gym. i usually plan a meal, cook, watch tv, and reflect. i get lonely. i think about someone sitting on the couch next to me, someone that i can talk to. tell them about my day.
i think about how this used to be life
and i realize why i used to be so depressed. because i don't like to be alone. i mean if you were home alone 7 nights a week with no one to talk to, you would probably wind up depressed too.
i like to be out doing things. i like to be at the gym, i like to talk and socialize. i'm proud of seeing what i didn't like in my life, and doing something about it.
i'm also proud that i don't want just anyone one to share my wednesday night's with. this past wednesday night i could have had company. i could have had someone to share my meal with, someone to talk to. but i realized that the company wouldn't had been the quality company that i am looking for. i don't want someone just to have someone. i know that if i wanted just someone, that i could have that. but i don't just want someone.
but that doesn't mean i still don't have a missing piece. yes, my friends are great, and i truly love my cats, but they don't provide the deep connection i truly long for. it's difficult thinking about the guys that have come in and out of my life over the past six months or so, and realizing that all of them did like me, they just didn't like me enough. now granted, for the most part i wasn't really feelin' majority of these guys either. but i wish that one saw that i was worth enough to fight for.
recently i've started a new journey to do something about that as well. i'm not quite comfortable enough yet to share it, because it is so new. but for the first time in a long time i feel hopeful. i feel giddy! i feel like that yes this can happen to me. because yes i am worth it! and not only that, someone just might see that as well. with this whole new thought process comes a little bit of fear. because i don't want to be let down, and i don't want to be disappointed. whether it is through this current avenue that is my main focus right now or another way, i feel like it just might happen for me. and that in and of itself is a great feeling to have. that maybe my wednesday nights alone just might one day be a thing of the past. it maybe not happen soon, but i hope that it will happen eventually.
strictly strength 60min


sarahlove said...

Maybe Wednesdays are there to remind you of what your life used to be. Do some yoga or meditation and just reflect... or spoil yourself by painting your nails! ;)

Nikki said...

How exciting, April. I am excited to see where this goes.