Saturday, September 4, 2010

week 23: my story

so i'm still trying to find a happy medium between slimgenics and myself. i let myself eat like crap pretty much all week. well not crap crap, but enough to gain 2 pounds. these horrible 2 pounds!!! i could have eaten worse, but this isn't where i want the scale to be going, especially since i am on this journey to lose. i am on my own journey.
lately i've been struggling with what people have been telling me, and what the scale says. i have 35 pounds left to lose. for me that doesn't seem like a lot, considering that when i started, my goal was "i have 120 pounds to lose". 35, piece of cake. and i know that i will get there. if i can lose 85 you bet for damn sure i can lose another 35.
but lets take my body into consideration. will my body let me lose another 35? honestly i would be happy with 30, and i made my goal what is so that i would be able to gain 5 pounds and still be a "normal" BMI. but lately i've gotten in a comfort zone of what people say and thinking that for the most part i look normal. when i tell people i want to lose another 35 pounds i usually get the reaction of "you don't have 35 more to lose" or "where do you have 35 pounds to lose?" and these comments play with my head. they make me think that i don't need to lose anymore weight. and i think subconsciously that's why i've gotten so relaxed with my food.
one thing that i want out of this when all is said and done is a flat stomach. i've never had a flat stomach. never. i really want to know what that feels like. and i'm pretty confident that i'll have that feeling when i've lost another 30 pounds, possibly 35. i've asked a few people that i'm comfortable asking "well how much more does it look like i need to lose." and the most consistent answer is between 15 and 20. lately i've also spoken to a select few people about this hanging skin that i have. right now it is most noticeable on my arms. just hanging skin. i have some access skin in my midsection, but that is where i have the most fat left to lose, so it isn't too noticeable, right now. that being said, one thing that i have an option about is surgery. now i have done zero research into this, and have no idea what the details are. all i know is that it could be an option. once i do all of this work, i want to have the body that i have worked for and deserve, but their are somethings out of my control. like hanging skin. now i'm not going to look into anything until i truly feel that i have done everything that i can do. so in order to do that i need to lose at least 25 more pounds, and do some heavy toning with weights. hire sarah to do some one on one personal training with, sculpt, tone, and build muscle. my goal is to be at this stage by december, so that when i start planning my time off and my plans for 2011 i can have a clearer picture of knowing if surgery will be part of that. and if it is, then i will start my research at that time. what's freaky about this whole thing, is that when everything is said and done, i'll easily have at least 10 pounds of access skin on me to be removed. that'll make me that much more thinner. and i don't want to be that. but like i have said, i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. all i'm saying is that it is an option, and i'm sharing it now because as of late it has come up a couple of times in discussions i've had.
plus this will help me focus on my goal, and not what other people think. i started this journey with a specific number in my head, and i need to keep my determination that i will someday see that number on the scale, and that someday i will be able to say "i have lost 120 pounds". i need to re-focus on that, and although it is flattering when people say that i don't have 35 pounds to lose, i know that i do. and if i don't like how i look at that weight, well then i just think i'll have to wait until i get there. it may sound strange, but i'm working on remembering that i'm doing this for me. not for anyone else. determination is key.
strictly strength 60min
528
+2lbs

5 comments:

the emily said...

You can totally do this, April. I know losing weight is super tough, but if you feel like you want to lose 35 more, DO IT! Because I know you can.

Anonymous said...

Though you are right and this has to be for you, know that you are inspiring many others along the way whether you are aware of it or not....that AND you got the official "hotness" stamp of approval from my husband recently...your hard work and progress is not going un-noticed. Keep it up sister!

AB

Anonymous said...

Great outlook, April. If 35 is your goal and thats where you want to be, then 35lbs is what you have left to lose! And you can definitely do it!! If surgery is necessary to get the results you want, go for it. You've worked hard and deserve to enjoy it.-Kari

Nikki said...

These are tough choices, and your right, cross that bridge when you get there.

sarahlove said...

I know of someone who had the surgery. (Someone that David used to work with.) Maybe it would be beneficial to talk to someone who has gone through an entire body and mind change? He was featured in a documentary once. I am trying to find the video for you so you can watch it.