yesterday afternoon i spent sometime writing in my journal. in my perfect world i would write in my journal every week, if not twice a week. for me writing gives me clarity. when big chunks of time pass without any writing, and i then sit down to write, usually i just write about what's been going on in my life. tina was here. i went to florida. i ran a race. etc... nothing really about my life, just what i've been doing. when i write more consistently i write more about my feelings, i answer questions about things i didn't even know i had questions about. it's very liberating. i suppose it works out because it is during my "down" times when i do have the time to write on a more regular basis. i need that time to help me overcome whatever sad state i might be in. during the times where i'm busy and don't have the time to write i'm not really needing to bring myself out of any sad state. at that point my writing is more a want than a need. so i guess in the long run it works out for the best. and of course i know that i could easily make myself take the time to write more often than i do, i just chose not to.
well i wrote in my journal on wednesday, i got all caught up on the events of my life since i had last written in june. then i wrote again last night. the fact that i didn't have much to update, gave me the opportunity to write about life. this past weekend i tried to get caught up on TV, and that included the biggest loser. i had a moment of clarity while everyone was weighting in. for the first time ever i am too thin to be considered a contestant on the biggest loser. whenever i would watch this show, i would always pay close attention to the female players and their numbers. i would think "ok, she's heavier than me." or "i'm thinner than she is by XX pounds." well this time i was thinner than all of them. i was watching the challenges of the 1mile run and the 500 steps, and the struggles that came with it for the constants. seeing how some of them couldn't even complete the challenge, and had to go the hospital instead. at that moment i said out loud to my cats "i am saving my life." i am making my life longer.
then i started thinking about things that are within my control. i've talked a lot in the past how we have no control over certain things, in fact most things are out of our control. for me specifically, i mean love. finding love. finding that relationship, getting married. this is something not really within my control. but, living my life that's all me. i have the power to do that. i figure i have two options. either live my life going along for the ride, or make my own ride. decide where to go fast, where to slow down, when to get off, when to go upside down. i have the power to be healthy. do i eat this or that? do i workout or sit on the couch? when i put it like that, it almost seems simple. but we all know life isn't simple. i do think that we sometimes make things too complicated, when life does get like this, it is up to us to "dumb it down" and take things back to basics. for the longest time i didn't think it was up to me. i would find an excuse, someone to blame, put it off. i was making this healthy lifestyle too complicated. but truth be told i am the one with the power. i am the only one, nobody else. and i know that for a very long time that power scared me. because if i'm the one with the power, doesn't that mean it is my responsibility to do something with that power? unfortunately for a very long time i did nothing with this power. made bad choices, became depressed. in fact it was just recently that i even became aware of this power and thus realized i was doing something with it. i am taking responsibility. i suppose the main reason many of us don't do anything with this power is the fear of failure. i let that factor alone stop me for a really long time. nobody sets out to do something fail. so rather than try we do nothing at all. for majority of my life i've been just average. i was an average student in school, i do average at my job. i don't really excel at any one thing. why should my weight be any different? i suppose maybe because i decided i no longer wanted to settle for being average. physically i think i look average, which could be why i've been so relaxed. but recently i think my physically being and my mental being had a conversation with each other and decided to keep going. that they didn't want to be perceived as average either. so for the first time in along time we are all on the same page. "we" being me, myself, and i ....the physical, the emotional, and the mental.
what are you going to do with your power?!