Sunday, August 30, 2009

no such luck

P and I are no longer. I can't say we broke up, because to breakup you have to be together. And we were never officially "together". This is exactly why I never posted a picture and why I never typed out his name.
I knew right around date 2 or 3 that he wasn't "the one". ....my first big indicator was he said THOSE three words on our 2nd date (red flag), but what's even worse is on our 4th date he said those three words again as if it was the first time he was telling me. ...so he had forgotten he told me the first time. again another huge red flag, but for entirely different reasons. on top of those things, it just became a lot of work 2 to 3 weeks in. we argued a lot and granted i don't have a lot of relationship experience, but i know that the beginning of a "relationship" are when things should be best. then most recently i found myself just keeping him around just to have someone around. and i'm so not that girl. i don't have someone just to have someone. so this has been going on in my mind for awhile.
this afternoon was highly emotional. i knew he wouldn't want to let me go. and it is hard when we are together because we are best when we are together. i'm going to miss his many compliments and his touch. his touch. this is the hardest part. i knew this would be the hardest part when Aaron (the ex) and I broke up because we were very touchy feely the 2 years we were together. and when we broke up i knew i would miss that the most. and although it is a different level because P and I only dated for 2 months but the pain is very much familiar. to be able to have that intimacy of touch with someone, to become used to that, and then have it be taken away. this is what hurts. knowing i don't have someone to hug, someone to touch my leg. not knowing when/if i'll have that again.
but i know that this is what best. that at some point the bad was more than the good. but that this 2 month experience has helped me greatly, and i have learned a lot from it. i know that i am better for having met him because of what he taught me about me.
i will continue to pray and hope for that experience of what will lead me to my true love. i will hope for that relationship where everything just works. i want that so bad. i want to have that experience.

4 comments:

the emily said...

I'm so sorry April. But to be honest, you sound like such a grown-up. It's hard to break up with someone when you have those feelings of being alone and stuff, and it's such a mature thing to do to do it anyway if you know it's not right. I'm proud of you! And I hope it comes for you. I really do.

Wonderer said...

(((hug))) and ditto what Emily said.

Nikki said...

I agree with the ladies above. I hope that for you too.

Anonymous said...

So much love and prayers,

to love hurts.

We want and so do you want so much more for you and I promise it will come.

I just wish I knew when.

Sorry for the hurt.

Love and prayers,
Mom