lIFe

what is this thing called life? why do we lead it when it isn't up to us? why do we make these decisions, when just about everything can be reversed? what is the point? yesterday my work life as i have known it for the last 15 months got swept underneath me. my boss got laid off. he had no clue, i had no clue. i don't want to go into all the details, but it has me questioning everything. right now i have a huge fear that my job is next. everyone says i'll be fine, but nobody 100% knows i'll be fine. you really don't ever know anything at all. that's my point.

throughout the events of the last 36 hours my heart has been aching. not for me, or my fear of my job, but of the relationship i have/had with my boss. i miss my boss. we had a great routine, we worked really well together. i like my boss. he made it easy for me to get up and go to work in the morning. we meshed really well together. and now all of it is gone. although not completely. he still calls me. we talked a handful of times both yesterday and today. he has access to nothing, and i still have access to everything, including all of his information as i always have. he was with Qwest for 11 years. so has his whole life is in his contacts and calendar, and i'm just trying to help him out. but soon, he won't have a reason to call. soon it will truly be all over. i'm not looking forward to that. talking to him isn't easy. every time we talk i want to tell him how grateful i am to him, how he was such a great boss to work for. but as i try to form the words in my mouth i get choked up with too many tears in my eyes all while trying to be professional. i have sent him an email. letting him know some of feelings. but i feel it just isn't enough.

i haven't really let myself go. and honestly i don't really know what it is that i'm waiting for. yesterday i kept telling myself to make it through the day, to get home, and then i can have my own little melt down. but it didn't happen. i've cried on and off the past 2 days. but i haven't really let it all out.
i feel so supported. it feels amazing. i had know idea this many people cared. yesterday was a huge shock to everyone, and so many people stopped by my desk to see how i was doing. to see if they could do anything for me. to let me know that they are there if i want to talk. they realize that a piece of me is gone, and they want to make sure i'm ok. honestly, it a very foreign feeling for me. to have support, to have people to lean on. i've gone the past few years without that. and on some level i still feel like i don't have it. these people are my co-workers, yes we have some level of a personal relationship, but at the same time they aren't my closest friends. i have all of these people wanting to be there for me, and i find myself questioning who i should turn to? my first instinct is to turn to myself. because that's what i do. but they can empathize with me. they know Sandy, they know my relationship with him. they can understand. i know that at a time like this, that is what i need. i know that i don't have to go through this alone. but that is what i'm used to. all of this is so overwhelming. i talked to both my mom and P about this last night. but with them, i have to tell them what happened. i have to explain all the details, which is hard because i feel like i don't even know all the details. whereas with my co-workers they already know what happened. so i don't even know how my closest friends (who are outside of work) can be there for me. because all of it just seems too much to explain over and over.

it's so weird how we create work to be just work. but when it comes down to it, its not just work. it is our livelihood. we spend 8+ hours with these people most days. when you meet someone, after knowing their name, what is usually the number one thing you always ask? "what do you do?" we ask about a persons job. but at the same time our job doesn't define us, we like to think it doesn't take up majority of our lives. but, doesn't it? right now i'm trying to figure it all out.

over the next couple of months i'm going into the unknown. i suppose everyday is unknown, but this is a totally different level. as of right now i'll be providing administrative support for 5 people. possibly 6. it'll definitely be interesting how this all plays out. wish me luck!