Monday, June 13, 2011

reaching in the dark

Sometimes, ok all of the time, I ask myself if I’m setting myself up for failure. Am I doing too much? But I’m a hopeful person. I believe that love is out there, more specifically my love. The love that someone has for me. My friend Sarah talks about love all the time, it is even the name of her photography company. She recently expressed about all the different kinds of love there are in the world. This often makes me question love though. You know when someone meets someone and they say “I’ve never felt this way before.” Well of course you haven’t. Your feelings are different because that person is different, the situation is different, the personality is different. So of course you’ve never felt that way before, because each one of us is different. And with each experience we feel something different. Each person brings out different things in us. So just because you haven’t felt that way before, does that mean that feeling is the feeling? I suppose this is the realist part of me. The part of me that questions everything. Analyzes every feeling and emotion, trying to figure out if the feeling that this person gives me, is the feeling of the rest of my life?

I stole the title of this blog post from this blog, and this post. My friend Sarah shared this blog with me, which makes perfect sense as I’ve stated she loves everything about love. I read this post, and thought of my own journey. Like the writer of this post, I often wonder if I’ll meet someone to love me in the full romantic type of love that I yearn for. Honestly sometimes I’ll wear the ring that my ex gave me our first Christmas together, just to remind myself that I was once loved like that. The symbol of that ring brings me hope that it might be out there for me again one day.

Part of me is scared, so very scared of finding someone, being love, then being hurt. I don’t want to go on this journey just to be heart-broken again. But of course, I know there is no guarantee and given the right opportunity that is a risk I’m willing to make. Because truly I know another heartbreak is something I could survive. I’ve been close to finding that risk worth taking. But I never fully took the jump, mainly because I was never given the time to do so. Which I guess is for the better and allows me to protect myself.

Right now it seems as though that opportunity might be presenting itself again. But I’m scared. I’m trying to be more guarded this go-round. Learn from my mistakes. But here I am writing about him. C is someone new. From e-ha. We’ve been dating almost 4 weeks. What I like about this courtship is I feel like he is courting me. The timing and the time we spend together hasn’t been this crazy intense time frame. Things are progressing naturally with this guy. It feels good. I think I had doubts at first, which are slowly going away the more time we spend together.

The first weekend we met, we did see each other Saturday and Sunday, but all other days have been separated by a day or two. Which is good. To me, that is normal, and how it should be. Every single time we see one another he makes it a point to plan out when we will see each other again. That makes me feel wanted, which is truly what we call want, right?! I know that I like this guy, and I know that he likes me. Which for the three week mark is normal. With my pattern things usually change or shift by the 6-week mark, which I guess is what I’m waiting for. I also know that I’m scared to like him. Scared to see the potential that I know is there. Which I guess is why I’m giving it time. Taking things much slower than I have in the past, in the hopes of getting a different outcome, a different experience. Hoping that it’ll be worth it.

treadmill 30min/elliptical 30min


the emily said...

I like this post. It reminded me of my first real relationship. I wanted to see him EVERY day and every time I saw him I got butterflies. I was so disappointed if our work schedules didn't match up and we couldn't see each other every day, and then when I went back to school and we only talked on the phone once a week. It was agony. I just wanted to be with him constantly! The relationship fizzled by Christmas because I just wanted too much WAY too fast. Like I just couldn't get enough. Your post reminded me of that time, those feelings, my failings. Take it slow. It works much better! :) I like that he treats you right, and makes plans to see you. It is not that common anymore I don't think, so I'm glad you found a good old boy. Good luck!

Nikki said...

I agree, slow and steady is a nice way to go (but I am that kind of person). It gives you time to assess your feelings and to get to know the other person.

sarahlove said...

I loved this post April. Naturally, because it's about love- but it's more than that. It was your willingness to be vulnerable. Your honesty about slipping on that ring that was given to you out of care, as a reminder to you that you are lovable. Admitting that alone is brilliant. So many people could never be so insightful or brave.

Thank you

When you are on the edge of a cliff... you can't half jump off. It won't end well. You have to take a running leap and never look back or down or at anything but what you are striving to get to. I struggle with this very thing all the time. Sometimes I wanna strangle my own neck and say, 'for crying out loud JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!' lol I just can't figure out how to take that leap and let go of the CONTROL.

I have a challenge for you: I mean this question with all sincerity. Answer it for yourself. What is love? Please take some time and really try to take the time to allow yourself to FEEL what YOUR idea of it is. Maybe something to think about around or before week six, perhaps?

I've never seen the same love twice.