Motherhood right now: taking mom/daughter selfies! |
I’ve
had this post on my mind for awhile now. And I’ve been thinking of
writing a follow up to this post on Motherhood, to document the changes and feelings since I've become a
mother.
I
think the first feeling is of pure unconditional love and how it
grows. I remember when I very first saw Helena when I was still on the
operating table. I couldn’t yet hold her because my
arms couldn’t move. My first few thoughts were how in that single
moment you forget everything. I forgot how horrible it was being
pregnant those last few huge weeks. I forgot the frustrations of
testing my blood sugars and later taking insulin. I forgot
all of my worries of baby being ok. There she was. She was ok. Then
my mind sifted to her being inside of me. This is a miracle I don’t
think I’ll ever be able to truly comprehend. That my baby was inside of
me. That she grew from me. From two tiny
itty bitty little cells, to this. This little human. This little
girl. I still look at pictures right after she was born and I question:
“How did she fit inside of me?!”
Next is the love.
Surprisingly
this was not a wow bam hit me moment, like I expected it to be. It was more of a aura of feelings. But nothing overly overwhelming. Does that make sense? Sometimes I wonder if this means
I’m a bad mom, or others have a similar experience but don’t talk about
it? Don’t get me wrong, I love my
daughter and I loved her before she was born, and my love grew for her
once I had her. But the moment I saw her I expected this super intense
feeling of crazy drastic in love emotion. And it just wasn’t there. I
have bigger in love moments now than I did
when she was born. Is that normal? Can someone please tell me I’m not
crazy?!
Which
brings me to the present time. I love being Helena’s mom. There is
nothing like it. Giving 100% of myself to her every day is easy.
That’s one of the reason’s I hate being apart from
her some days. I love her unconditionally. I would easily and gladly
put myself in front of a moving train if she were in the way. The type
of give you give during those super short newborn months is part of that
love. You are giving and giving and what
she is giving back is knowing that she is a healthy and growing baby. That is
priceless. She can now show her love for me in other ways, like when
she mimics me and says “Ma Ma Ma” or if she is just sitting on the floor
playing, and we look at each other across
the room and she gives me this ginormous smile. Those things tell me
that she loves me and that I’m doing something right. I think it is
difficult to give love without expecting something in return. But not
when you become a mom. I of course, have expectations
of Helena and no doubt that throughout our mother/daughter relationship
we will disappoint each other. But the feeling of unconditional love
is so well, unconditional. And up until I had her hadn’t ever
experienced.
I
see being her mother as doing things. Always staying busy. We’re
similar that way. We both get stir crazy if we stay in the house for
too long. I see going swimming with her, doing art projects
together, writing in a mother/daughter journal together.
I
see her now and think back to this post about what makes you, you?! I
wonder if I’ll have anything to do with who she is as a person. Or if
it’s all pre-calculated and decided. I like to
think we’ll have some influence on her. I hope that she is silly and
laid back like her dad, and a planner and observant like me.
With
reading my Motherhood post, I re-read the comments. And they made me
laugh and cry. First was Rachel’s comment. Now that Helena is crawling
I now have an audience when I pee. I don’t
see that changing for many years to come!
In
my post I also wrote out concerns that I had about how this new
parenthood role would affect my marriage. I loved Emily’s comment that
basically says to take the time to truly focus on the
new motherhood role because that baby phase is so short lived. Let it
be life consuming. Looking back, I wish I would have done more of
this. Because it does go.by.so.fast. We thankfully have found an
amazing babysitter and do go out on dates! And this
is something I’m extremely proud of. Although Chris is an amazing dad,
I haven’t lost him as my husband. And I hope he feels he hasn’t lost
me as his wife. I was talking to someone recently who has 2 kids and
she said she couldn’t remember the last time
she had a date night with her husband. My goal is to not have this be
me, ever. I know there will be a time where a monthly date night won’t
happen, but I don’t ever want to not remember when my last date night
was. Although Helena is a top priority I love
that Chris and I still take time for us.
Being
a mom is like everything I expected and so much more. From making her
giggle to getting frustrated at her when she won’t hold still for me to
put on her diaper. To everything moment in-between.
My motherhood role is one I don’t take for granted and I feel
incredibly blessed that God as trusted me to take care of one of His
children. I know my motherhood role will expand and grow as Helena gets
older and I’m looking forward to all the milestones.
I don’t know why it is so hard, but right now my biggest focus is
staying present on the present! (thanks Andrea.)