Friday, December 13, 2013

Motherhood

My friend Emily just wrote this crazy blog about a crazy "day in the life", and she mentioned having a moment where she pictured "motherhood".  That got me thinking about how I picture motherhood and being a mother. 
My mom and I on my wedding day 10/5/12
When I first found out I was pregnant, I had two realizations that this baby was meant to be.  That the timing was right, and that baby would be ok.  That of course, doesn't stop me from worrying, but as this pregnancy continues it does give me some comfort.
The first was baby's birth month: May, and realizing that the birth stone for May is Emerald.  The color green symbolizes the Irish in me, and more specifically my close relationship with my Grandpa Egan.  My Grandpa passed away more than 20 years ago, but I still feel him looking down on me, taking care of me.  I wish I had a picture of it, but in my bracelet I wore on my wedding day I had a green stone placed in it, just so that I could feel my Grandpa with me on my wedding day.  One of my first jobs when I moved to Denver was an assistant Manager at the Fine Jewelery counter at Foley's (now Macy's), while I worked there, I bought my mom a beautiful Emerald ring, again just to symbolize her relationship with her dad.  And now baby Sweat's birthstone will be Emerald.  Who knew that a ring I bought my mom back in 2003 would turn into her very own Grandmother's ring 11 years later?!  Knowing that we had been trying for baby Sweat for 8 months, I truly believe we conceived this child with the power of God in the month of August, so that we would have our very own May baby, and that baby will have a little bit of Irish in him or her.

Secondly was this dream. When I first found out I was pregnant I had a strong intuition that baby was a girl, mainly because of this dream, and just because I felt girl. I've had 4 other people (including my mom) tell me they feel: girl. Then Chris had a dream that baby was a girl. But more recently I had a dream that baby was a boy, and a friend tell me that she feels it's a boy. So who knows, regardless we won't be finding out the sex until baby makes his or her appearance in May! Anyways, back to this dream. I'm so happy I wrote this dream down. Once I found out I was pregnant, I went back to the blog and found the original post. When I looked at the date on the post I realized I had this dream right at around the time Chris and I conceived (sorry if that's TMI for some of you) 4 years prior. Call my crazy, but I think it is crazy to have a dream about having a daughter, and then 4 years after you have that dream you realize you're pregnant with your first child. Especially when I look back and I think about where I was in my life in August 2009. When I read Emily's comment on what she pictured motherhood to be like, I instantly thought about this dream. Shopping with my child and my mom. Feeling so happy and content being a mom, seeing my mom as a grandma. Then I started thinking about my mom. And how I wonder if her being a mom is how she pictured it. Granted I definitely had my difficult teen years etc...but I thought how she was so excited when I was getting married, helping me plan the wedding, and then of course the wedding day. That I wonder if she thought to herself "this is what I pictured motherhood to be like" while watching me walk down the aisle with my dad, saying my vows to my husband. And now she'll get to picture me become a mother. Have a baby. Take care of this little life.

It's all extremely overwhelming. I spoke to my cousin Nikki last night, who has a 10 week old baby at home, to get the dirty truth on bring a newborn home. She said all the things would you expect. How life changing it is, how hard it is, and how great and rewarding it is. I definitely feel like it's an experience that I'll have to have myself. Their can only be so much prepping before a baby arrives. It's an adventure and a challenge I'm looking forward to. Although one of my fears is how awe consuming it'll be. How lost I'll be in new motherhood. How it'll just take over my life. Nikki mentioned how it's now the only thing she really talks about. With her friends, coworkers, family, husband. I can definitely understand because being a mom and taking care of a newborn are her main focus. But what about the rest of life? I know it'll be a balancing act, but I don't want to lose Chris as my husband, and I don't want Chris to lose me as his wife. I hope that we'll form into "Mom" and "Dad" but not forget where we came from.

I picture motherhood as remembering moments, seeing my child grow and shape to be exactly who he or she should be (one my daily prayers lately). I picture it to be challenging and heartwarming. I picture seeing Chris as the amazing Dad I know he'll be. I picture new fights and annoyances as we get to know one another as parents. I also see new love and admiration growing for this man I feel so blessed to be sharing my life with. I know it'll be a roller coaster. With highs of highs I haven't even come close to ever experiencing in my life, along with lows of lows of the same magnitude. The thought of motherhood brings me to tears, and I feel as though I have just barely touched the surface. It's going to be an emotional ride!

3 comments:

Rachel said...

Beautifully put, April!

To your concern about losing your self to motherhood, my sister and I have talked often about this, and come to the conclusion that the newborn needs so much of you and dad, you do kinda get lost in the busy-ness, but that each day, bit by bit, as baby grows, you get some of your self back. And it's a long process, with bumps along the way, for sure. But allowing yourself to be completely consumed by mothering your newborn does not have to mean that you will never go to the gym again, or get to try on clothes in a fitting room all by yourself, or have a carefree weekend, or pee without an audience. Just means that you might not do those things for awhile, or as often as you have previously. :-)

I am so happy for you, April and Chris. Lucky baby! <3

PS - I am still looking forward to peeing without an audience. That will be a glorious day. ;-)

Tylerandsummer Smith said...

I thought it was so interesting to read your thoughts on motherhood. My feelings about motherhood are (obviously) very strongly influenced by my religion. Like, you know, having kids at 20. ;)

I imagine motherhood as pictures drawn for me at school, holding kiddos with scrapes and bruises, things like that. I've always wanted to be a mom, and thats what I told people when they asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now that I'm on the verge of motherhood, I have alot of worries about maintaining a healthy marriage and self-identity.

Emily Foley said...

Just you wait. There is nothing like it. You think you know love now...it is magnified a billion times when you see that little face for the first time. I am so excited for you!

You'll find yourself again, just give it some time. Allow yourself to be immersed in the experience of being a new mom because the newborn stage is so fleeting. You have forever to be you, but such a short time with that tiny baby. But find a good babysitter and go on dates! That'll make a difference. And don't be afraid to leave the baby with Chris so you can have "you" time too.