Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Motherhood Part II

Motherhood right now: taking mom/daughter selfies!
I’ve had this post on my mind for awhile now.  And I’ve been thinking of writing a follow up to this post on Motherhood, to document the changes and feelings since I've become a mother. 
I think the first feeling is of pure unconditional love and how it grows.  I remember when I very first saw Helena when I was still on the operating table.  I couldn’t yet hold her because my arms couldn’t move.  My first few thoughts were how in that single moment you forget everything.  I forgot how horrible it was being pregnant those last few huge weeks.  I forgot the frustrations of testing my blood sugars and later taking insulin.  I forgot all of my worries of baby being ok.  There she was.  She was ok.  Then my mind sifted to her being inside of me.  This is a miracle I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly comprehend.  That my baby was inside of me.  That she grew from me.  From two tiny itty bitty little cells, to this.  This little human.  This little girl.  I still look at pictures right after she was born and I question: “How did she fit inside of me?!” 
Next is the love. 
Surprisingly this was not a wow bam hit me moment, like I expected it to be.  It was more of a aura of feelings.  But nothing overly overwhelming.  Does that make sense?  Sometimes I wonder if this means I’m a bad mom, or others have a similar experience but don’t talk about it?  Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and I loved her before she was born, and my love grew for her once I had her.  But the moment I saw her I expected this super intense feeling of crazy drastic in love emotion.  And it just wasn’t there.  I have bigger in love moments now than I did when she was born.  Is that normal?  Can someone please tell me I’m not crazy?! 
Which brings me to the present time.  I love being Helena’s mom.  There is nothing like it.  Giving 100% of myself to her every day is easy.  That’s one of the reason’s I hate being apart from her some days.  I love her unconditionally.  I would easily and gladly put myself in front of a moving train if she were in the way.  The type of give you give during those super short newborn months is part of that love.  You are giving and giving and what she is giving back is knowing that she is a healthy and growing baby.  That is priceless.  She can now show her love for me in other ways, like when she mimics me and says “Ma Ma Ma” or if she is just sitting on the floor playing, and we look at each other across the room and she gives me this ginormous smile.  Those things tell me that she loves me and that I’m doing something right.  I think it is difficult to give love without expecting something in return.  But not when you become a mom.  I of course, have expectations of Helena and no doubt that throughout our mother/daughter relationship we will disappoint each other.  But the feeling of unconditional love is so well, unconditional.  And up until I had her hadn’t ever experienced. 
I see being her mother as doing things.  Always staying busy.  We’re similar that way.  We both get stir crazy if we stay in the house for too long.  I see going swimming with her, doing art projects together, writing in a mother/daughter journal together. 
I see her now and think back to this post about what makes you, you?!  I wonder if I’ll have anything to do with who she is as a person.  Or if it’s all pre-calculated and decided.  I like to think we’ll have some influence on her.  I hope that she is silly and laid back like her dad, and a planner and observant like me. 
With reading my Motherhood post, I re-read the comments.  And they made me laugh and cry.  First was Rachel’s comment.  Now that Helena is crawling I now have an audience when I pee.  I don’t see that changing for many years to come!
In my post I also wrote out concerns that I had about how this new parenthood role would affect my marriage.  I loved Emily’s comment that basically says to take the time to truly focus on the new motherhood role because that baby phase is so short lived.  Let it be life consuming.  Looking back, I wish I would have done more of this.  Because it does  We thankfully have found an amazing babysitter and do go out on dates!  And this is something I’m extremely proud of.  Although Chris is an amazing dad, I haven’t lost him as my husband.  And I hope he feels he hasn’t lost me as his wife.  I was talking to someone recently who has 2 kids and she said she couldn’t remember the last time she had a date night with her husband.  My goal is to not have this be me, ever.  I know there will be a time where a monthly date night won’t happen, but I don’t ever want to not remember when my last date night was.  Although Helena is a top priority I love that Chris and I still take time for us. 
Being a mom is like everything I expected and so much more.  From making her giggle to getting frustrated at her when she won’t hold still for me to put on her diaper.  To everything moment in-between.  My motherhood role is one I don’t take for granted and I feel incredibly blessed that God as trusted me to take care of one of His children.  I know my motherhood role will expand and grow as Helena gets older and I’m looking forward to all the milestones.  I don’t know why it is so hard, but right now my biggest focus is staying present on the present! (thanks Andrea.) 

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