Thursday, July 21, 2011

on being alone

Please know that I realize every person is different, every relationship is different, every marriage is between two people and is different. I get that I do. Each situation is different and the people involved are unique to themselves. I get that I do. With all that said realize that my writings are unique to myself and are the opinion of only myself. I don’t expect you to believe what I think, but to be open minded in what I do believe.

Ok, now that the fine print is out of the way: I believe in order to be happy with someone you have to be happy with yourself. I’ve known people who put all of their happiness into the person that they are with. Which sure, that is great and all. But someone else’s happiness won’t make you happy, not in the long run anyways. This comes out of me from the news of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s marriage ending in divorce. And maybe I feel this way because I’m a little bit jealous that I’ve never been one of these people, but let’s look at Jennifer Lopez and question why it is that a relationship of hers has never lasted. In my opinion it is because she has never been alone. She’s been in back to back relationships for what seems like her whole life. It may be silly to bring up a Hollywood breakup to make this point, but honestly I've always felt this way about Jennifer Lopez. Whenever one of her relationships would end I would always say to myself "Good, now she can be alone, get to know herself before starting another serious relationship." But then, before long she would be in another serious relationship. Now I get the idea of falling in love fast, and falling in love hard especially when it is new and the feelings are so exciting and full of butterfly’s. But if you just jump from one person to the next how do you know you?, and how will that person who is trying to get to know you truly get to know the real you? When you haven’t been with just you. Does that make sense? Let me try to explain. I think that when you start a relationship with someone a part of you grows into the part of actually being a couple from the separate you. But the part that grows is new, for most part it shouldn’t be pre-existing. It should sprout and grow as the relationship sprouts and grows. If for whatever reason the relationship ends then that part needs to heal and essentially disappear. You need to learn and slowly process going back to yourself before this part grew from you. You need to get to know yourself again without that person and without another person. You need to be by yourself. I think that if you go from one person to the next you are doing yourself (and the new person) a disservice. You aren’t getting to know you, so truly how can this new person get to know you? I’ve been single majority of my life. The times that I’ve been single and either newly broken-up or just in longing to be with someone, was time to myself. Time for me to get to know me, time to grieve over my broken heart, time for me to become truly happy with being single, appreciating my time, and then accepting and being happy with the possibility that my happiness might just be in always being alone and building my life from there. I myself have dealt with all of the above.

I honestly was happy and had a good life before C entered the picture, but now that he is in the picture I feel that much more blessed to have him in my life and to share my happiness with. I truly believe that he is getting to know me and I am getting to know him. That we appreciated the time that we were single prior to meeting and because we had that time we now appreciate each other that much more.

I suppose my point is that in the big picture there is nothing wrong with being alone. That I grew a lot during my time alone. I understand that nobody probably wants to be alone, but that for some (me) it is a reality to have to face. I also understand that some people just can’t be alone, and that is why they jump from one emotional situation to another. Sometimes I wish that I could have been that person who didn’t have to deal with being alone, because I definitely think that is an easy way to go through life. But truly getting to know me, what I want, and how to live my life has helped me tremendously become who it is that I am today. And I think C truly appreciates that, and because of that I am truly thankful. Especially now that I am in a relationship, I can whole-heartedly by my true self with C and take comfort in the fact that he is getting to know me.

on a carriage ride in downtown denver 7/17/11

treadmill 30min


sarahlove said...

Yes, yes, YES!!! EXACTLY.

the emily said...

SO well written, April. And so true.

I met Dave when I still had a boyfriend (albeit a boyfriend that wasn't calling me and lived in another state). After we broke up and Dave made his intentions clear (with lots and lots of make-out sessions), I "broke up" with him about 50 times (because we weren't officially dating really). I just wasn't ready for a relationship, but he liked me so much it was hard to turn him down. I kept telling him I'd been hurt so badly, I really needed some space and time to figure out me again, me without that guy. It took some time, but lucky for me, Dave was patient.

reflections said...

I am perfectly happy alone. My kids need my undivided attention. I need to fix my broken pieces, which is a lot to fix! I need to be in a whole different world emotionally before I even chance trusting a man. Alone for me does not mean lonely-especially when you consider that my kids are with me. all.the.time. I don't need a man, I may never need a man. At some point I may want a man, and I will deal with that if I get there. I am happy for you. I think being alone forces you to grow. a LOT! Growth is painful but oh so necessary to be emotionally healthy.

Anonymous said...

Funny how perpectives change based on relationship statuses. When women are in a relationship, they look back at their single days and are proud of their "self discovery" days. When they are single, they look back at their relationship days and want those back and are depressed. Please remember both ends! It helps us grow.