Tuesday, September 2, 2014
If I Only Knew Then
I just read this post back from August 2011, and here I am August 2014 with a 3 month old. I read back to that time and how good my life was, and now my life is great. I'm a wife and a mom. I never would have guessed it. I've heard of people writing letters to themselves with the purpose of "If I only knew then". I think I would tell myself, that everything has purpose. That everything you do now will reflect in something later. That hard work does pay off. That I will find "the one". You will get married, you will feel that type of love. You will feel the feeling of caring a baby inside of you. You will give birth, you will be a mom. I would tell myself that all of those things you questioned will happen. I would tell myself to trust in God more. He really does know what He is doing. He sees the greater picture when you are only looking at a corner of the portrait. Trust is hard, but praying isn't wasted. He is listening, and your prayers will be answers.
Helena is rolling over. She went tummy to back right at around 3 months, then a couple of weeks ago while my parents were visiting rolled from back to tummy. Then a few days ago she went from back to tummy to back. It's super cute. And as of last Sunday she now likes to sleep on her tummy. This makes me very nervous. The first night I didn't get much sleep because I kept checking on her, and rolling her back onto her back....just to have her go right back onto her tummy. So the next night we just had her sleep in her little play pin next to me in our bedroom. I know she's ok, it's just worrisome as a first time parent. I even told Chris that I'm already looking forward to the less worrisome feeling that comes with a second baby. She favors her left side, and always rolls to the left. The past couple of nights she hasn't made it onto her back, but rather her side. She moves so much she ends up doing a 180* in her crib. Her other milestones are playing with her feet! She's so cute, now that she has found her feet. She also lifts her head up when we're playing on the floor. This milestone is specifically great for when we are changing/dressing her. She loves to "stand" and "dance" and kick it out on the floor! She loves to be sung and read to.
As for me, I'm in the "losing all of my hair" post pregnancy phase, and I hate it. Hair is literally everywhere!
We've had lots of family visiting. My parents were here the weekend before Labor Day and Chris' parents were here for Labor Day weekend, and now my mom is here through the 10th as I transition to go back to work. While Chris' family was here we did lots of shopping. We went to IKEA and Park Meadows Mall, then on Sunday we went to Golden and walked around. Helena was great the whole time, and she definitely loves her grandparents!
I started this blog post last Thursday and had hoped to write about my anxiety of returning to work, before I returned to work, but that obviously didn't happen.
Returning to work is a necessary evil. I know it is for the best, and because I'm returning to work we'll be able to do fun things as a family. I absolutely hate the idea of not being part of my daughter's day 100% of the time. Up to this point she's been with me 99% of the time. I've taken her to the daycare at the gym a couple of times, just to get the mental feeling of someone else that I don't know caring for my child an hour out of the day. Thankfully I have an awesome schedule set up so that way I can be home with Helena some days and for that I feel super blessed. We still don't have childcare set up. I pray often, and I know it'll work out.
I have this irrational fear that my daughter will forget about me. I know that is completely insane, but I want her to remember me. I know that she will, and I know I'm her only mother, and that I've been the primary one there for her the past 16 weeks. These are just my super crazy thoughts.
Today was my first day back...sorta. I started getting organized over the weekend for all of the things I needed to take to work. Primarily my breast pump and a picture of Helena to have at my desk. I packed everything up this morning, ready to go. I got to the car and realized that out of habit I put on my flip flops. I had put out my shoes the night before, but wore the shoes I've worn all summer. As I come back into the house to change shoes, Chris is up to tell me goodbye. As I kiss him I realize that I didn't brush my teeth! So I was about to leave for work in flip flops and without brushing my teeth! So I quickly brushed my teeth, and out the door I went. I spent the bus ride down looking at pictures of my daughter, while Chris FaceTimed be so I could see Helena happily awake in her crib. She's the happiest in the mornings, and not being there was heart-wrenching. A few people stopped by my desk and I held back tears, as I missed my daughter. Then at 9am I got all of my stuff ready to go pump. I got in the lactation room set everything up, and just as I was about to screw on the bottle to the pump I realized I forgot the membranes....these little white pieces that create the suction. I had forgotten the smallest piece!, and was unable to pump. I knew I wouldn't be able to go all day without pumping so I just left work early. I got through all of my email, and will follow up tomorrow. Right when I got home I put the missing piece on, so tomorrow I'm all set to go.
Putting her down for bed last night, was so hard. Knowing I wouldn't be there in the morning. I held her extra tight.
I feel so grateful that I was able to take 16 weeks, that we had this amazing and life changing summer together. Summer 2014 was the summer I became a Mom and it was a great summer at that!
Here's to a new season.