Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A New Day

One of the things I fear once this pregnancy is over is being depressed. I’ve been depressed before, and because of that fear that depression is just something I think will come crawling back into my life. Thankfully because of my past experience I’m more aware of it now, and quickly seek help, or cry out for help. But if I can, being depressed post birth is something I want to try and prevent. To do this, I’m getting a service done called Placenta Encapsulation. This helps with numerous postpartum “things” including the “baby blues”. We’ve hired a doula who will do this, and I figure it won’t hurt!
For me depression is a very real thing, and something that really isn’t talked about. Because you can’t see it or physically feel it, a lot of people don’t want to believe that it is there, or don’t know how to get help for it. When I was in high school I went through a horrible stage of depression, and because it was my first time with being depressed I didn’t know how to handle it, and I didn’t really know what it was or what it was that I was feeling. Out of the 3 times I’ve been depressed in my life this time was definitely the worse. I honestly didn’t want to see another day. I felt so alone, but eventually cried out for help, that my mother eventually got me some help. It is truly a sad place, to feel as though life will only get worse and definitely not better. I learned a lot about myself and how to live my life going forward from the help that I received over 17 years ago. I write about this now, because something recently happened to someone that I know that brought me back to the 16/17 year old depressed girl that I used to be. I’ve cried for this person and their family, and I’ve cried because it brought on the emotions I used to have at that time in my life. I feel so thankful that I got help, and I feel incredibly blessed for the life that I now have. I’m so happy that I continued to live my life, and see that life does change, and that things do get better. In recent years I’ve learned that the shift of life is bound to happen. Things change and sad moments will come, but they will also go and be replaced by happy moments.
Yesterday in church as we celebrated Easter there was a theme of starting over, creating a clean slate. How Easter was “our birthday” time to start anew. A new season is upon me, as I’m about to become a mother for the first time, so right now I’m just trying to enjoy my life as it is right now, because I know it is about to drastically change. Sometimes life’s changes happen gradually and I get time to accept them and adapt to them (being pregnant for 9+ months to prepare for a baby), and sometimes a life changing event can happen in the blink of an eye, and change your life forever with no preparation whatsoever. Life is crazy, and I’m blessed to have a clean slate to start with.
I'm enjoying the ease of taking care of this baby right now.  The fact that it automatically comes with me wherever I go, that it feeds itself, and heck, even changes itself.  Before long it won't be so easy and a new type of love will enter my life.  I feel thankful that God has trusted me with this little being, to raise it into an adult, and to give it unconditional love.  I hope this little one will always know how much I love him or her.

1 comment:

Emily Foley said...

I think I had pretty severe postpartum depression after Noah was born. No, not think. I know I did. It was an awful time for me and I regret so much that I didn't get help. I wonder how much of my relationship with Noah was affected because of it. My mom and Dave both noticed and mentioned something but it just hurt my feelings. When he was 9 months old I finally made a doctor appointment but sitting there I couldn't bring myself to say it and never got help. So. Make sure Chris is aware of the signs and that no matter what you feel like, He MAKES you go and tell someone and get help. That's my advice. I hope it doesn't happen but if it does, I hope you'll ask for help and learn from my mistake. :)