Monday, October 28, 2013

An update on Me

My friend Sarah posted this back in August, and it's really stuck with me, and for this post, it'll be used as a segway into me, and where I am in my healthiness journey.  Here's the whole caption:
"Whether you power walk, dance Zumba, ride a bike, do Crossfit, follow Insanity, downward dog at sunrise or just made it from your couch to the front door of the gym, you're already doing great. Keep moving, keep going. Recovering from a second c-section has changed my perspective on what it means to be fit and what it is to have a strong body. I have a lot of work to do, this for sure. I have weight to lose. You, newbie, back there in the corner of the group fitness room hoping you don't get busted out in class, I get it. I'm there with you. Let's work together, let's keep moving. Don't stop coming to class. You, super fit person, who has no time to wait for the newbie, I know you. I've been there too. I remember what it feels like so I'll catch up to you soon. Everyone come together and find out what awesome things your body can do for you! Let's be thankful we all keep moving every damn day."
Granted I've never had a c-section, but I can truly relate to being across the board with my fit-self.  I started and stopped so many times prior to ballooning up to 265 in the summer of 2008, and ever since I started (again) in the fall of 2008 I honestly don't feel like I've ever stopped.  I have definitely had some draw backs, and I think it's safe to say that the last year I've gone backwards, but I've never, ever stopped.  And for that I'm proud.  I've slowed down.  And I predict sometime in the future I'll go full steam ahead like I once did in 2009 and 2010.  Since I've returned to blogging I haven't really discussed my weight, but I feel like my readers are probably wondering where I'm at.  So I figured an update was due, along with some other thoughts on the subject.  My update is:  I'm still trying.  I am definitely not down any weight, in fact I've gained more weight since last I spoke on the subject.  No need to beat me up about it, I've done that enough.  I know I may sound like a broken record, but there you have it.  I'm uncomfortable, disappointed, and disgusted with myself.  Not all of my hard work of losing 90 pounds is out the door (thank goodness) but once I get at it full steam ahead, it's discouraging to know that a lot the pounds I'll be losing, I'll be losing for the second time around.  It's interesting, because I know I've thought I would never be one of those to regain lost weight.  Especially in the matter of 12 months, but that is obviously not the case.  I wish I had a turning point, or a event that caused it all, but I don't.  I got lazy.  Sure I could blame getting married, adjusting to married life, such big transitions, but that's no excuse.  If I really wanted to maintain I could have. 
I think one of the biggest changes are in the way I'm treated.  I definitely noticed changes in the way people treated me as I was going through the actual weight loss, and all of it being very positive.  But now that I'm going the opposite direction, it's different.  I was trying to think of a way to word it because it's not obvious.  People aren't out right mean or rude, people are plenty nice.  They just aren't as warm.  Not as sincere, it's something in there demure.  Body language and attitude.  I think it's because people are trying so hard to act normal, like nothing has changed.  Do I want people to acknowledge it, and come right out at ask: "Have you gained weight?"  No, I don't want that.  It's obvious.  But just because people don't ask, doesn't mean I can't tell.  It's a weird experience going from one extreme to the other.  I notice it everywhere.  At work, at the gym, and with strangers.  Strangers ignore fat people.  Rarely make eye contact, and just try to act as if they don't see you.  Its unfortunate but true.  People gravitate toward attractive people, and when you aren't attractive, you don't get noticed. 
So I'm currently back at the back of the group fitness classes (being shy and unfamiliar with my surroundings), and usually when I do go to the gym it's either on the treadmill or the elliptical which has always been my "easy" go-to workout.  And my normal workout time is around 35-45 minutes.  One day I'll be back at the front in class (executing all of the moves with sharpness and knowing what I'm doing) showing the goods, and working out 60+ minutes.  I remember when I was there, I used to think a 35 minute was just a warm up, and I used to think it was funny that once upon a time I actually thought working out for 35 minutes was a work out.  And well now, I'm super proud of myself for getting to the front door of the gym, walking inside, and actually doing something.  This is all part of my journey, and just a piece of where I'm going.


Sarah Zook said...

Good for you, April! I know you've never stopped. Yes, life has changed for you. It's okay. Keep going forward challenging yourself. You'll get there and me too! I'm there with ya! Let me know if I can help. I hope to see you in more fitness classes to come!

Chris Sweat said...

Hey beautiful, I will always notice you.

Summer said...

I have to confess, I'm super nervous about 'losing the baby weight.' I think about it alot more than I probably should, and thanks to months of sickness my weight gain is really pretty low, but I want to establish a healthy lifestyle. Going to the gym was something I would only do with Tyler, but after the baby comes, I'll really have to find my own motivation to go take care of my body. I love reading about your motivation - it makes me think I can do it too!

Emily Foley said...

Ugh, it's the perpetual issue, isn't it? Why does food taste good? Also, Chris! So sweet!

So my sister and I have both been a size twelve for years. A few weeks before our cruise I saw her for the first time in a year and she was tiny. I had no idea she'd been losing weight but she was a size 6 all of a sudden. She had started the paleo diet and lost a lot of weight. I started it two weeks before the cruise and lost 8 pounds in two weeks, then gained eight pounds on my cruise and came home and gave up. But for what it's worth, I know paleo works! :) good luck, friend. You're beautiful either way.

sarahlove said...

Sometimes it's about ones own perception. When I don't feel 'up to par' I also feel that other people see me 'not up to par.' Sometimes for me it's not so much other people, but my attitude about things.

When someone is doing things that make them happy, it's so easy to cheer them on. When people are seeing things in a space of 'not so good' it's hard to reach out and say something for comfort.

The end result is that we have to find that spirit in ourselves to stand up and do what makes us happy and fulfilled. We are in control and unless we realize that we have the power, we sit and do nothing about it. We suffer thinking that we are alone and unnoticed when really, the people that matter the most are staring straight at us. I hope you one day see yourself the way others do. Which is beautiful.

Much love and light your way!