Monday, February 13, 2012

Letting It All Go

We all have issues we need to deal with. Our past and history and how to intertwine them with our present. Pieces of us that we will always be, but wanting those parts to leave us for forever. I have lots of these issues. The most evident one is the fat girl in me. To me I’ll always be this person, even though I honestly want nothing to do with her. Obviously this issue is all in my head. And I can only hope that with time my issue with this will get less and less. The most recent example with this happened at the shop where I found my wedding dress. When the consultant lady was explaining to me the lay-out of the store and what was where she pointed to rack that specifically had dresses sized 20 and above. She was immediate to point out and tell me to NOT look at that rack, she basically said “this rack won’t have anything for you, because obviously you aren’t that size.” Now, of course she didn't say it like that, but I'm sure you get the point. The way she said it was very matter of factly, but when she first pointed it out my first thought was “well I need to go look at that rack.” The perception of myself is still definitely a size 26. But by the end of having that thought and hearing the end of statement of “you don’t need to look at that rack” I was brought back to reality of “oh, she’s right, I don’t need to look at that rack.”

The other issue I’m having lately is of my relationship. To be completely honest I haven’t let all of my walls down with Chris. I’ve had this timeline in my head for as long as I can remember of meeting my husband, having him propose, planning my wedding, getting married, having babies. This vision has always been with me, even during the time when I thought marriage might not ever be in my future and when I grew completely happy with that. But my reality is that my dreams and my vision have all come true.

Meet someone and have this undeniable connection. Have someone who communicates with me, and is honest with me. Fall in love. Proposal around the six month time frame. Plan a fall wedding.

My dream is my reality. When does that ever happen in life?! How did I get so lucky?! What makes me so deserving?! Since when do things happen, exactly how you’ve always envisioned them?! Right now this is my big struggle. I’m basically complaining about having everything I have ever wanted. How screwed up, am I?! I find myself saying “If it’s probably too good to be true, it probably is.” So, I have this huge fear that one day Chris will wake up and decide he doesn’t want to be with me. That he’ll find something in me that he doesn’t want in a partner/wife. I’ve let him know many many times that for me marriage is a onetime thing. I want one life with this one person. That’s it, the end. I don’t want one life with someone a couple kids, just to start over, and have to write a whole other book. I want one book, with lots of different chapter’s with the same person.

I’m in full on wedding planning mood…and I don’t think I’ve let it sink in yet. At times I feel like I’m planning someone else’s wedding. I haven’t let go. I need to let go. For my own mental health, for the health of my relationship with my future husband. I don’t know if it is because previously I was single for so long. Not used to having to answer to someone always being able to be independent and do my own thing. Or if it is because I’m scared. Even though Chris has done nothing (seriously nothing) to make me thing I have something to be scared of. He reassures me constantly. I suppose it is probably a combination of all the above. The issue is truly all with me. And it is a problem for me to deal with, and Chris to be aware of. …which he is and we both know that in the end everything will be fine. I just wish that I could figure out what I need to do, because I think once I do completely let go I’ll be so much happier, and will be able to enjoy this time so much more. A lot of me is focusing on relishing in this time in my life. This once in a lifetime time. I know it is going to go so fast, so for now I'm going to work on all parts of me. The person from a couple of years ago, to over-coming depression, working hard and losing 90-pounds, being happily single, all the way to happily engaged. One person.


Emily Foley said...

That is so hard. I think one of the good things about me getting married young was that I didn't know enough to be scared. I let everybody know all of me all the time, and there was no fear because even though I had been hurt, the hurt seemed worth it. I'm much more closed off to people now, so I totally get where you're coming from.

Anonymous said...

. . . breathe, just breathe.

Letting go of demons and we all have them and it is easier said than done. Honey, just keep working on it and don't ever stop.

Prayers and more prayers,
Hugs and more hugs, always and forever,
love ya til it hurts, MOT-B

Rachel said...

We are own own worst enemies, huh? It's so hard to let go completely. I still wonder, "What if...." about so many things. But for me, I try to not worry about the ending just yet. Right now I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I have faith that I'll end up where He wants me to be! I hope you get to that spot soon, too, April! :-) (((hug)))

sarahlove said...

Letting go gives you freedom. Opening your heart is rewarding. Never stop working at being the best human you can be. You are so admirable April!