I'm Not Ok

my mom shared this today on FB it's sorta perfect.  Thanks Mom.

Ever heard of the expression “when it rains it pours”?  That’s my life right now.  Although I feel extremely blessed that there are only a few rare moments in my life when I’ve thought “when it rains in pours”.  This moment?  It is one of them.

I found out on Monday that I’m being laid off and that my last day of work is next Friday 9/4.  This news obviously doesn't mix well with what I wrote about here.

With everything going on I’m currently in the denial stage of grief and I feel like the verge of depression that's been creeping in me is about to take a full on nose dive.  I honestly have no idea what to do.  I feel like the last few days of my life have been fake, how else can it be explained, except for it didn’t really happen?  But it did.

My first thought goes towards Helena and the fact that she now has two unemployed parents.  To say I’m scared is an understatement.  The silver lining in all of this is I’ve been with this company for almost 12 years and I’m getting a somewhat decent severance package.  Let’s go back to that 12 year deal.  Twelve years, that’s a long time.  I’ve always been an extremely stable person, and a good employee.  I have extremely good work ethic so being without a job makes me uncomfortable.    When I got my first fulltime job at 19 I stayed with that company for almost four years, that’s a long time when you are 19.  Then I moved to Denver, the job I moved for laid me off after 6 months.  (the company went out of business.)  after that I was without a job for six months, I remember at the time I had never been without a job, but how all the pieces just worked out…the same month that I got laid off I got a roommate (so my rent was cut in half) and I paid off my car (so I no longer had a car payment).  Having those two big expenses off of my shoulders helped relieve me a little.  After searching for a job for six months I got a job as a assistant manager at the fine jewelry counter at Foley’s (which is now Macy’s).  I excelled at the management stuff and sucked at the selling jewelry part.  I can’t remember exactly how it happened but while I was working there I got connected with Qwest.  And well the rest is history.  I went from selling jewelry to working for the phone company.  And now we are at present day.  I’ve been through so many changes and transitions since I started working here.  From working on the phones, having my first real boyfriend, working in the Union, changing positions, previous lay offs, losing weight, meeting Chris, merging from Qwest to CenturyLink, getting married, having a baby, getting promoted.  A lot has changed personally and professionally.  Through it all one thing was consistent.  And now that identity is gone.  In a flash.  I get lost in all the elements that I give myself a headache. 

Chris as a lot of prospects and we hope to find something out soon, but I’m not going to lie, that doesn’t give me a lot of comfort.  I feel like I’m in limbo and I hate it.  I had a really good thing with CenturyLink, good benefits, good pay, good vacation time.  Now I have to start over.  I’ve been doing what I can do, and that is praying.  I’ve been praying a lot.  I know that God will take care of us and put us in the space that we need to be in, but I’m so damn scared.  So I ask of you blogland give me all the good stuff you can give!

Summer Weekends

 At the early literacy fair at the Broomfield library.

 A girl and her tractor.

 At the beginning of the month we headed to Golden to go for a little “hike”.  This wasn’t a hike at all (it was completely paved) but we walked along a stream and got our feet wet!

 

The second weekend of the month we went to the Adams County Fair!  We saw lots of animals and had a great time

 She loves splashpads!

This past weekend was pretty jam-packed.  I honestly love weekends like this.  I like to spend my time being busy.  Friday we went to the Orchard for their free concert summer series.  We splurged and got a pizza and made it a fun family night out!  We got rained on a little bit, but after the rain we had fun walking around and dancing!

Saturday morning we headed out early to the Aurora Reservoir a good hour away from us for Helena to get her picture taken on the “beach”!  Helena even got some pictures with Grayson!  After the photo shoot we went home for a nap, then took off to Lafayette for a Peach Festival.  It was so hot!  But we enjoyed walking around and looking at all the vendors.  The peach smoothie and peach cobbler we fantastic!!!

And have I mentioned she loves to be outside!

15 months

A lot is going on!  I feel like we are in the middle of summer and doing lots of fun things,...and I feel so behind on blogging...again.  As I think about recapping the past couple of weekends I want to document Helena's 15 month well visit that was on Friday.  The doctor is super happy with all of her developments and I'm proud to report she contiunes to be a happy and healthy baby!  We are blessed!

Weight: 20 pounds 8 ounces (39th percentile)
Length: 31 inches (65th percentile)
Head: 46 centimeters (59th percentile)

Helena is truly a doll and loves everything.  She loves to give kisses to anything and everything.  She is so loving. 
She still super happy in the mornings and when she wakes up from her nap.  Going into her room and seeing her so happy is a happy part of my day.
For the most part she's a good listener.  I've found that she listens best when you ask for things nicely and politely.  If you are harsh with her, she'll most likely ignore you.
Overall she's a good eater although gives challenges at times.  Her best and biggest meal of the day is breakfast.  Although sometimes she'll surprise us and eat a big snack at 5pm, then a full dinner at 6:30pm.  She prefers to fed herself and we're working on using utensils. 
We're currently working on taking away the nighttime bottle, and if I had to guess she'll be rid of it by this time next week. 
She's growing more and more confident in her walking skills and even runs! 
She loves to dance and laugh, and her favorite place to be is outside.
Her favorite word is cookie.  She constantly signs the word "cookie" when we put her in the highchair (that's to Grandma Sweat!). 
She can say: Mama, Dada, hi, bye, hello, happy, baby, bubbles, ball, purple, I do, and make noises.
When you ask her what a doggie says she'll say "woof", cat "meow", cow "moo", and tiger "grrr". 
It's pretty amazing.  If you ask her to say something, regardless of what the word is she'll usually at least attempt to say it back.
She usually wakes up for the day between 7:30am - 8:30am.  Have some milk and breakfast, then a snack around 11:30am, before nap time at 12noon.  Her average nap is about 2 hours.  Once she gets up she gets lunch.  Then a afternoon snack around 5pm, then dinner at 6:30pm.  Nighttime routine starts at 7:30pm with a bath, then reading, then down for the night usually around 8:15pm.
She's still in size 12 clothing, size 4 shoes, and size 3 (sometimes size 4) diapers. 
We are so lucky to have her!

Not so Rosey

gym time

I’m on the verge of depression.  And have been for the past couple of months.  Although this time it’s a different experience because there are days I’m completely happy and fine.  Which for me and my past with depression, it’s usually all or nothing.  Either I’m depressed or I’m not.  This time, I feel very back and forth.  And it's confusing.  Some days I think “I’m ok” “I got this” but then other days I just feel sad.  I feel like I’m in a horrible funk.  It’s weird and I don’t like it.

I have so much going on in my head.  The first big thing is Chris not having a job.  I feel like it is all on me.  Again.  As we enter the fourth month with him unemployed it is starting to take a toll on our marriage.  I feel it is unfair to have all this weight on my shoulders.  I also feel jealous that he gets to be home with Helena.  The change in lifestyle because we now just have one income, and we are still living life, but with that we are going through our savings pretty quick.  Thankfully there are lots of fun free summer activities in our area!  I just feel like we are behind and to get back to where we were will take a lot of time.  It’s frustrating to say the least. 

Then there is the planner in me.  And when your husband isn’t working you can’t really plan anything, all you can do is live day by day.  And I will say I need to do more of that: live day by day.  But I can’t erase that planner in me overnight.  I will say that I’ve done pretty good over the past 4 months.  But we are nearing the end of summer, the soon to be here holiday season, and let’s not forget the possibility of baby number 2.  That’s the other big thing.  I have some serious baby fever.  And behind Chris not having a job, making Helena a big sister is what’s second on my mind.  I tell myself things will work out, mainly because they have to.  I think that if I were to get pregnant it’ll be ok.  Heck, when I got pregnant with Helena Chris didn’t have a job then, and everything worked out fine.  So I know it will be ok, but I’m not gonna lie.  I wish this was a hurdle we didn’t have to jump.  Plus I’m worried.  I’m not too sure how to not worry in a situation like this.  And the worry doesn’t help with my mental state. 

One thing helping with my sanity is my gym time.  It gets me out of the house and my endorphins running.  A work-out immediately gets me out of my “funk”.  It’s my time to strictly focus on me.  Which as a mom, is huge!  With my back mostly healed (it’s still sore in the mornings) I’ve been back into the gym and completed my first Dance Jam while staying injury free!  I’ve challenged myself to work-out 8 times this month.  I look back to my life in 2009 and 2010 and 2011 (pre-Chris) when a normal month for me was 20 work-outs.  In fact I’m pretty sure the last time I worked out 20 times in a month was before I met Chris.   Since having Helena I’ve been averaging about 4 work-outs a month, only once a week.  I think going from 4 to 8 is a good increase and something I can build on over time.  I’ve even signed up to do a 5K at the end of the month.  I’m absolutely terrified of this and crossing the finish line last, but I’ve set out to do it, so it’ll get done! 

I suppose right now I’m trying to control the things that I can control.  I know going to the gym helps with my feelings of sadness and being depressed, so I hope that will motivate me and get back to overall health!  Physically, emotionally, and mentally. 

I know that things could be much much worse.  I get that, I do.  I have this amazing daughter that gives me such a bright light in my life, a loving husband, and a good and stable job, and overall health within me and my family.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t pray for things to change or to get better.  I suppose we feel things could always be better. 

Life happens during these types of growing pains (because regardless of what is going on in life, life always happens) and I’m looking forward to what will hopefully be a better outcome for me and my family.

she's my light