a lot

I have a lot going on in my mind as of late and I need to let it all out.  So in advance I apologize for the diarrhea of the mouth that is about to happen in this post. Same regards for any big grammatical errors and huge run-on sentences that I know I write.

Being a parent is scary.  I’m sure each generation has different worries and my current generation is no exception. 

I remember when I was 19 and Columbine happened.  I felt it hit “home” because Colorado was a neighboring state.  I immediately thought of parents dealing with this unquestionable situation.  How do you explain a classmate entering school and going on a shooting rampage?  I remember thinking that if I was a parent I would never let my kids go to school on April 20^th again.  Then 9/11 happened.  I feel like when 9/11 happened a certain innocence went away from our society.  That anything bad can happen at any time.  That you are no longer safe where you thought you might be safe.  Then shooting after shooting after shooting.  The first action that prompted these thoughts were the verdict trial readings from the James Holmes case a few weeks ago.  I’m referencing the Aurora Theater Trial, where 12 people were killed and 70+ injured.  James was found guilty.  Chris and I watched the judge read off the first 100 counts…the first 24 were specific to the actual deceased victims, the later were the living injured victims.  Each guilty count that was read was identical except for the name.  I would imagine if I were a victim or relative of a victim hearing your loved ones name being read would lift some weight from your shoulders, that the person who did this is being held responsible.  Then another theater shooting recently in Tennessee.  We can’t go to the movies anymore?!

I think the positive out of all of this is the awareness it is bringing to mental health.  It is real and people need to be aware of the warning signs and recommend the appropriate help as soon as possible.  I’ve suffered from depression before and take no shame in that.  It is very real and super scary.

My biggest worry is about how to be a mom is this type of world.  How do I explain these types of actions to Helena?  I know there will be questions she’ll have that I won’t have answers to.  Having her go to school, go to the movies, etc…it scares the crap out of me.  I know I can’t live my life in fear and I don’t intend to, and my daughter will go off to school etc…but that doesn’t mean I don’t worry.  I think my biggest fear are the questions she’ll have.  I know that someday she’ll have US History and learn about 9/11 and she’ll wonder why there are people who would do something like that.  I just don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for those questions that I know will come. 

Then there is history happening that I’m proud of.  I’m so proud and happy that Helena will grow up knowing it is ok to marry whomever you want to marry.  At the end of June the US Supreme Court made the decision to make Gay Marriage legal in all 50 States.  I think this has been a long time coming!  Everyone knew it was just a matter of time, not so much a question of if but when.  Just how we think it was crazy that there was once a day when women couldn’t vote, or a African American women couldn’t marry a White man, one day people will think it is crazy that we didn’t allow a Man to marry another Man.  I can’t even imagine wanting to marry someone and being in love with someone, but not being allowed to.  I try to put myself in other people’s shoes to try and empathize with them.  And I think about my own journey of wanting to find love for such a long time.  Wanting to find that person that I could experience life with.  To marry.  Then finally finding that person and being unable to make it legally binding?!  I imagine that I would have been heartbroken all over again.  But, thankfully now, that is no longer the case.  Now it is no longer a factor.  So that person who is out searching for their person can marry them if they want.  It is no longer an issue, and for that I feel grateful. 

I think the biggest lesson this shows is that change will happen.  Some change is good some bad.  In my opinion this change is good.  And I’ll teach Helena that.

 
Being a parent is a scary thing.  And each parent is different because each child and each mom and dad are different.  But yet, we seems to always compare.  When really there should be no comparison.  I pray to God daily that He’ll guide me to be the best Mom to Helena that I can be.  I give Thanks that He has trusted me to take care of one of His children.