this pregnancy

baby boy Sweat @ 20w3d 12/9/15

since this is only my second pregnancy i'm prone to compare it to my first, and they are nothing alike.  i definitely want to get out all of the details, but the big difference between these babies, is this baby boy doesn't move like his big sister.  once i felt helena at around 19 weeks she was extremely consistent.  i was usually guaranteed movement after every dinner, and then at around 20 weeks chris could feel her move, and by 21 weeks i could watch her move. this baby not so much.  i started feeling movement with baby boy around 17 weeks, and since then it's all over the place.  the week we found out baby was a boy i went to the doctor two days later because there was a full evening and night where i felt no movement at all.  baby was fine, but then a similar scenario happened christmas eve and christmas day.  i specifically remember telling chris on the drive to albuquerque on christmas eve that if i didn't feel this baby soon, we'd be spending christmas day at an urgent care in albuquerque.  i did eventually feel baby, but this babies sporadic movements keeps me on my toes!  and not in a good way.  chris has only felt baby move a few times and i've only seen baby a few times too, and i'm now 25 weeks.  chris constantly says that the baby is relaxing, so now when he askes how baby boy is doing and haven't felt a lot of movement i'll just saying "he's relaxing" because it sounds so much better than "i don't know".  my only hope is that this laid back nature he seems to have inside will be a glimpse into what his personality will be like once he is on the outside.

let's move onto the whole "he" thing.  it feels really weird knowing the gender of this baby.  chris left the decision of knowing the sex or not to a coin toss the night before the appointment.  i arranged for helena to be watched by a new mom friend so that chris and i could enjoy the whole big ultrasound and focus on our new baby.  it was really nice to have it just be the "three" of us without chris being distracted by helena making sure she wasn't getting into anything she shouldn't be.  chris told the ultrasound tech that we would be finding out the sex, and the first shot the tech did was dead center in-between the legs, and i knew it right away.  all boy.  the tech could tell i knew what it was but chris was looking at the monitor wondering what in the world we were looking at.  so i clued him in that he was getting a son.  he immediately cheered and i started crying.  i don't know why, but i really thought i was having a girl.  i totally pictured raising sisters.  the day before i found out that my friend andrea was having a girl, and i thought the chances of us getting one of each right away was slim to none.  i remember a conversation andrea and i had right after both of us found out we were pregnant.  we went on a walk and she made a comment like "what if we both have girls, and grayson is the only boy?"  i totally pictured telling andrea "well grayson is going to be the only boy."  my first thought about having a boy is i have no idea what to do with a boy!  i'm super excited and i'm thrilled to be having one of each!  when i do feel him and get to see him at an ultrasound i feel that feeling of love and my heart growing to be fulfilled with this little boys love and the love and joy he is going to be bringing into my family.

next up is the care of this baby.  there is only one OB medical office in Alamogordo.  my plan for this birth has always been a VBAC.  and the doctor that delivered Helena was on board with a VBAC.  then we moved.  at my first appointment they asked why i had a c-section and how i wanted to birth this baby.  the doctor seemed on board with a VBAC, but advised me that they would not induce me.  so immediately it was either go into labor by 42 weeks or end up with a c-section.  the next time i went in i met with the one female doctor at this practice who is from bejing, china and as an extremely strong accent.  her respond to my VBAC wishes?: you have time to change your mind.  that's when the red flags were raised.  At my next appointment the doctor gave me the consent form I would have to sign in order to attempt a VBAC at the one and only hospital in Alamogordo.  It basically says they don't have the appropriate staff on hand 24/7 to ensure your safety for all things that could go wrong when going for a VBAC.  ...after the fact I also realized that means that they don't have the resources to even support a normal laboring woman which is something I plan on asking about at my next appointment.  I asked where the nearest hospital is that could support a VBAC birth, and the doctor advised El Paso, 90 minutes away.
This is completely foreign to me.  I'm used to the world at my finger tips.  Which I knew was a huge plus to living in Denver.  Unlimited resources for almost anything, endless food options, all the shopping would ever need right outside my door, a direct flight to London if I wanted to get out of the country.  Now I have one hospital, only a couple of chain restaurants to feed me, Wal-mart for my shopping needs, and flying...well that's out of the question, let alone going somewhere out of the country, unless of course I want to go Juarez, Mexico.
Like my pregnancy with Helena I'm at a crossroads in this pregnancy.  Do I birth this baby here?, Chris and I have both decided and agreed that if I were to have this baby here, it would be via repeat C-section.  Or do I start my search from scratch?: look at options in Las Cruces, El Paso, or even Albuquerque.  When I first moved here it seems common that mom's birth their babies elsewhere.  At the time I thought that was strange, because why would have your baby someplace different from where you live? The idea seemed crazy to me.  But now I get it.  The hospital doesn't even have a NICU.  To my surprise Chris recommend I go to ABQ to have this baby, just because Helena and I could go to ABQ have a place to stay and lots of help.  I don't know why, but I just really hate the idea of interrupting my families routine so I can attempt something that in the end may not even happen.  And plus what does that even look like?  When would Helena and I go up to ABQ?  How does that work with the end of pregnancy?  Obviously I have research and work to do, this is just the cloudiness in my head right now.
Aside from the whole VBAC thing lets talk about the care I'm receiving.  At my first OB appointment at the end of September in Denver they drew blood and just like my first pregnancy my A1C (blood sugars) was just slightly elevated.  So I predicted the same exact treatment for my blood sugars throughout this pregnancy.  Well then we moved.  I've mentioned my blood sugars at every single appointment.  I started testing my blood sugars when I was around 16 weeks pregnant with Helena.  I never took the glucose sugar test because they based my treatment off of my blood sugar results that I was getting 4 times a day.  ...Granted the doctors didn't really start paying attention to my numbers until I was around 30 weeks.  And of course, by the end of my pregnancy with Helena I was on insulin.  This time around they haven't even mentioned testing my blood sugars, and instead they had my take the 3 hour glucose test the week of Thanksgiving, which I surprisingly passed with "flying colors" as told me by the nurse.  She even told me to have that extra piece of pie during Thanksgiving dinner.  And now I'll be doing another 3 hour glucose test the first week of February when I'll be 28 weeks.  It's just weird to me that from the very beginning of my pregnancy with Helena I was categorized as "high risk" because of my elevated blood sugars, and so far in this pregnancy I'm considered "normal" because I passed a 3 hour glucose test when I was 18 weeks.  I wish I could go get a second opinion without having to leave city limits.
All of these things are constantly on my mind.  Over and over I'm asking myself: what to do?  I'm not gonna lie I see appeal in just have another c-section here.  Keep my family and routine intact, take the question about when this baby is going to come, and just schedule it.  Part of me feels selfish for for this whole VBAC because I know it would interrupt my family and our routine, and of course I'm scared that I could do all of these and end up in another c-section, so then what would it all be for?  Just to displace my family for no reason.  I truly have no clue what to do.
They say every pregnancy is different, no kidding.