You know those big blizzards that come? A few hours before it’s calm and clear, then the clouds move in and its gray and eerie and silent (almost too silent), the anticipation builds of snow and accumulation. You anxiously await as you wonder how long you'll be buried inside?! Then it hits. Even though it was expected it is still a surprise. Your almost taken aback by how much snow there is and the cabin fever you know will come.
I feel like this is my life right now.
Change is coming. I’m scared and I’m anxious, and I pray all the time that everything will work out. I, of course, know that it will. Why? Because it has to. There is no other choice. How it works out may not be how I want, but I know it will, indeed workout. I know me and my family will be taken care of.
There are two different elements to this storm, when is a storm ever just one dimension? One being with Helena and her daycare, the other with me and my job.
I’m currently looking for a new daycare for Helena. I struggle with this because when you give your child to someone else to look after, you have to trust them. You have to have faith that they are caring for your child as they would their own. I put a lot of weight on what a provider tells me, because that’s all I have to go off of. She’s the one who is there when I am not there. So I believe what I’m told and believe that she is being cared for.
I would prefer an in-home situation like what she has now, but I think an actual daycare is the route to go. Because it’s more dependable and just easier. Or maybe that’s my assumption. One thing I do know, it’s a lot more expensive. I feel like I’m pay for my spot, not for my daughter to be taken care of. I hate that. Hate it. Thankfully I have two weeks to figure it out, as I already have something set up for this week, and the following week my mother-in-law will be in town. But I know those 2 weeks are going to go by wicked fast.
The next element is my job. I need direction. I’m working hard at my Younique business (and it's growing!!!), but I’m also looking at growing in my corporate job. There are so many balls in the air, and it is distracting. I’m the type of person who needs something to focus on. I need to know where to put my focus. And right now there are so many directions I don’t know where to turn, let alone focus.
Back in September 2013 I applied for a different job within CTL (CenturyLink). Shortly after I applied I found out I was pregnant. I went through the interview process, was hopeful I would get the job, and then I didn’t. I was totally fine with it, as now I had something else to focus on….my growing baby. Throughout my pregnancy and through the end of 2014 I didn’t focus on my career. My priorities were elsewhere. My priority was Helena and taking care of her. She’s still a huge priority in my life and always will be, but now I have the energy to focus on something else. The organization I work for has been going through a huge re-org since January. Usually changes like this mean lay-offs, but not in this particular situation. This change is requiring a lot of hiring and growing. This change has presented me with two different opportunities. Nothing is set, and I’m highly aware that just because these two opportunities are currently on my plate that neither one will work out. I know that one outcome could bring back to exactly where I am. But I can’t help but feel that a change is coming in my work life, too. This one requires patience. Which I am not good at. The corporate world takes it sweet time with things like this. At this point I would surprised if I know anything by the time Helena’s first birthday roles around in May.
I find myself more and more in anticipation of the future, because I know the future will be here super quick. But I need to take time for the now, because that’s what is happening. Not much of a guarantee in life, except for that. The now.
Last week at church Pastor Ken talked about change. As we are in this Lenten season with Easter approaching and even the change of seasons. From winter to spring. How you have to find beauty in the mess. And it's the time when life gets hard is when you are truly living. I definitely think parts of my life right now are a mess, and hearing the positive spin that this "mess" is beautiful made me reflect that the problems I have aren't bad problems to have. Things could be much worse and I'm so blessed that they aren't.