all kinds of crazy

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i'm in love with this entryway.

******

to buy girl scout cookies?

or to not buy girl scout cookies?

that is the question.

and of course,

the answer is:

buy girl scout cookies!

********

i forgot to wear my

watch

on monday.

********

i had a dream tuesday night that i was with

kourtney kardasian in

las vegas looking for a movie theater

so we could go see

"sex and the city III".

and i was thinking why would we go see that movie,

because the second one wasn't that great?

*******

i really need to

paint my nails.

********

we have no plans to watch

the superbowl

on sunday.

********

i never thought i would have

another

yellow kitchen.

********

i love this quote that my friend erin shared with me on facebook this week:

"those who love you are

not fooled by mistakes

you have made or dark

images you hold about yourself.

they remember your beauty when you

feel ugly; your wholeness

when you are broken;

your innocence when you

feel guilty; and your

purpose when

you are confused"

~alan cohen

********

i had a middle school

embarrassing moment yesterday.

but it provided me some quality time with a friend,

and some bargain shopping.

i got a nice pair of Gap dress pants, a sweater, and a top,

all for $41!

********

i think i'm starting to like

one direction.

********

i'm having difficulty getting into
"life of pi".
has anyone read it?  is it good?

*******

the elephant in the room

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I've had a lot on my mind as of late.  And I think I'm ready to actually deal with it, and share it.  I've been in denial for the last couple of months, and I'm ready to deal with it, and hopefully reach out and get some help.  I have a lot of issues I think I need to deal with, and although none of them are "major" they are definitely effecting me, and what it is I think of myself.  Chris said to me over the weekend that he wants me to be happy.  We were driving home, and his statement gave me this light bulb moment.  For so long, I've been the one responsible for my happiness.  And now I have this man who wants to make me happy.  The concept is a little bit weird.  As much as I appreciate his focus on me, and wanting to make me happy.  It unfortunately doesn't work that way.  I need to make me happy first.  He could give me everything that I've ever wanted, and it in the grand picture of life, it really wouldn't matter, because I have to make myself happy first, before I can accept any of his givings to make me happy. 
In the past (once in HS, and once in 2006) I've been diagnosed as depressed.  In 2006 specifically I was  depressed, eating fast food for just about every single meal, heartbroken, had no friends, and had no social life.  I started seeing a counselor and she diagnosed me with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  It was the beginning of the year and she put me on some pills, and advised that with the slowness of the season, and hardly any sunlight out, it was affecting my mood.  That with the change into Spring time, longer hours, and more sunlight, I would notice a change in my mood.  Thankfully she was right.  Come March of that year I almost noticed an immediate difference.  I gradually took myself off of whatever anti-depressant I was on, and felt better.  It makes sense really.  Everything around you in the fall and winter are sweet and savory items.  Everything seems dark.  Come spring and summer, everything turns light and fresh.
If I had to make a educated guess I would say, that I'm currently experiencing SAD.  Combine that with my recent weight gain, and I'm not feeling all that great.  ...There I said it, weight gain.  It's horrible and disgusting and I hate it.  Ever since I got married, I've let myself go.  I didn't get to where I wanted to be on my wedding day, so once I went from Bride to Wife, I just stopped caring.  I've known that the fall and winter are difficult, that there is no point in even trying.  And without my gym routine to keep me maintaining I've gained weight.  I've had to go buy new clothes, and just about everything I wear is uncomfortable.  I've even stopped wearing makeup, and I don't want my picture taken.  I'm beginning to recognize myself.  ...I never really got used to seeing me as a "thinner" version.  I never really looked like "me" because that wasn't who I was used to seeing.  And now?, well I'm starting to see "me" again, and that scares me.  It's bad, and I know it's bad.  That is the big.fat.elephant. in the room.  Phew - I'm so glad I've finally gotten that out of the way.
It came to a head this weekend.  I was forced to no longer live in denial, but to deal with reality.  I had seen it coming for awhile now.  Some looks and comments at work, but nothing like what happened Saturday night.  At the beginning of the year I tried to put together a birthday celebration get together for myself the Saturday before my birthday 1/12.  Unfortunately nobody could attend, so by default I just sorta canceled it.  I was bummed.  As you know my birthday is a big deal to me, and I was sad that none of my friends could go.  But then, a couple other of the January birthday gym girls put together a get together for this past Saturday.  I was immediately excited.  It had been awhile since I had seen my group of friends, and I was really looking forward to going out and having a good time.  Almost immediately I could tell this wasn't going to be a good night.  The warmest welcome I got was from a woman who I met at Dena's Christmas party and her introduction of her husband.  Two people who don't know the thinner version of me.  I felt invisible.  It was a unwelcome feeling, and a feeling I've had many times in my bigger, fat past.  Even someone whom I consider a good friend didn't even stop to say "hello" to me.  It got so bad when the one other couple sitting at our table of 6 got up and left to go sit at another table.  Do I blame some of this on myself?, absolutely.  Could I have gotten up and mingled, and been more outgoing, created more conversation?  Definitely.  But I felt as though I was being judged.  That they were just waiting to say "Have you seen how much weight April has gained?"  At one point in time I got pissed.  I've shared so much of my life with this group, and now they are all pretty much ignoring me.  And then I realized all of that was post weight-loss.  They don't know the bigger version of me.  They don't correspond with "my" kind.  They think of us as lazy.  I know I'm being dramatic and I'm pretty sure that none of them actually had any of these cold thoughts.  But if anything, these are the thoughts going on in MY head.  Which is good.  Because I need to look at this reality I've creating for myself, and do something about it.  This is my struggle. My weight is my struggle.  This will be my struggle of the rest of my life.  Of course just as I had decided the night was ruined and that I wanted to leave, the table across from us asking if we wanted to move the two tables together.  I declined, held my tears back, got up and left while Chris paid the tab.  I was devastated.  I used to be this fun outgoing girl, who would have so much fun with this group of friends.  How did this happen?  Have I changed?  Is it because I'm married?  It is because I'm fatter?  I would say probably a combination of all of the above.  I would've never guessed that Saturday night would have gone the way that it did.  I was looking forward to staying out late, having fun conversation with my friends, and flirting with my husband.  Instead, we were only there for about 45 minutes, and home with my husband comforting me while I cry.  It's a familiar picture, and one I don't like.  I do have other issues going on and I need to make that extremely difficult phone call to get some professional help.  But that's scary.  That's admitting out-loud that something is wrong.  I've never been perfect, but I think that is what I have to do if I want to not feel like how I felt Saturday night.  And that is a feeling I never want to feel again. 
I've fallen down a lot over the past few years, and I continue to get back up. I've been down for the past couple of months, and it's time I get back up...again.  I know it won't be easy, but if I know anything, I know it isn't meant to be easy.  So here is me getting back up.

married life

image courtesy of molly mcgannon photography

my blogger friend Summer commented wanting to hear more of my married life.  and that comment made me ponder my thoughts on my married life, and how things have changed. 
since chris and i lived together prior to getting married, i honestly didn't expect much to change.  i had heard the "first year is the hardest" and i had just assumed that was for couples who had never lived together, because well i can see how cohabitating with someone can be cause for a big adjustment.  but living with chris really wasn't that big of an adjustment, now that i think about it.  i made it super big deal at the time, just because i had never done that before (live with a guy), and i told myself if i were to live with a guy it would be because we were engaged and planning a wedding.  now of course that did eventually happen, and if i were to take away my stupid crazy emotions, having chris move is was easy.  ...even only after 2 months of dating!!!  but hey, when you know you know.  each couple and relationship is unique and their own timing is their own.  and for me everything has worked, so i should really learn to just go with the flow, and stop questioning everything.  especially now that we are married.  it would create a lot less emotional freak-outs on my end, and probably a more happy household.  anyways, i'm rambling....
sometimes it is still weird to me that i'm married.  honestly i'll look down at my hand just for the reminder i am married, and that i have this amazing man in my life...forever.  another weird thought i have is that this will be the longest relationship i'll ever be in.  which makes me think back to the only other relationship i have been in, and that was 21 months long.  what's super weird about that is chris and i have only been together 20 months!  i can easily categorize those 20 months with chris.
months 1 - 6 we dated
months 6 - 17 we planned a wedding
months 17 - 20 we're married!
a lot in a short amount of time.  and some more change coming!
so in 21 months with my ex we dated and it ended in heartbreak.  20 months with chris, and we're married!  i know they say not to compare, but i just think it is interesting.
i do a feel a sense of comfort knowing i'm married, and knowing chris will be by my side.  what i'm trying to reestablish, are some of my friendships.  i definitely feel like i'm in this "married life" bubble.  and it's great, but it's too much.  does that make sense?  my life was pretty awesome prior to chris, and i miss some of those aspects of my pre-chris life.  i'm working on incorporating everything together, so that i don't get too much of any one thing.  my friendship, my gym life, blogging.  i miss all of those things.  now they haven't gone completely to the waste side (or at least i feel they haven't), but i definitely need to create more of a happy medium.  all of those things make me happy, and because i haven't had a lot of my friendships, gym time, and blogging in my life it has started to affect my happiness, and my own mental state.  which makes it hard for me to accept chris' love, because right now i don't love me - all of me.  i can't put all of my happiness and love into chris, i don't think that is fair to either one of us.  so for right now, one of the biggest challenges of my married life is trying to find some room for what was my single life.  of course i don't mean the dating scene etc...i strictly mean my friendships, gym time, and blogging.  all of those things have significantly decreased, and i miss them, that's all.
so that's a small glimpse into my married life.  what was one of your post-married life differences?
happy friday!

Seeing Double @ 33

On Saturday I turned 33.  And I know it sounds cliche, but where has the time gone?!  I'm approaching my MID-thirties!!!  Seems unreal, and it seems like yesterday I was with my girlfriends in Savannah celebrating the big 3 OH!  Sometimes I think life should only allow so much change in a specific amount of time.  Just to be able to appreciate life more?  To try and slow life down.  But life doesn't work that way, and for that I am grateful, because I'm able to look back and embrace all of the change in my life over the past 3 years. 
Saturday morning I went and met my friend Andrea at Lucile's in Denver.  This is such a fantastic restaurant!  And being able to sit and chat with Andrea over a nice long breakfast, was the perfect way to start "my" day.  It's great having her in my life, because our lives are somewhat parallel to each other, since we are both newlyweds.  It's always a comforting feeling to go and talk to someone, and having them relate to you because they are going through the exact same thing.
After breakfast Chris and I hung out at home.  We were going to see a movie, but then I decided to open up all of my cards and gifts.  I hold onto the cards and gifts I receive in the mail, for the purpose of opening everything up together, on my actual birthday. 
My mom's gift to me was quite the tear-jerker....

 A huge and beautiful scrapbook/blogbook made by my cousin Kari.  It has all of my blog posts from October 2011 to just past my honeymoon!  It's so special, and I love it.  I can't even imagine the thought, time, and energy spent on it.  It's one of my most favorite gifts ever.  And it's HUGE!  As I was turning the first few pages with tears streaming down my face I knew Chris and I wouldn't make it to the movie.  I did look through the whole thing, but reading it will definitely take some time.  I immediately called my mom to thank her, and she was just as thrilled at it as me!  Thank YOU Kari!  You have such a beautiful talent, and this is a gift I will treasure forever.
After looking through the scrapbook and opening the rest of my cards, Chris and I drove downtown.  We arrived early for our dinner reservation, so we decided to spend sometime in the Tattered Cover, a local bookstore.  After looking through some magazines, we walked over to one of my all time favorite restaurants, the Vesta Dipping Grill.  I just love this place, and each time I go I love it a little bit more.  Consistently good service, always good food, a great atmosphere.  This place just creates a fabulous dining experience all the way around.  I've noticed that some "fancy" places have high prices to compensate for the service staff....people always checking on you, filling your water glass, cleaning your table.  And in my opinion it just TOO much.  This place has it just right.  Dinner there on Saturday night, was definitely a highlight.  We shared a salad, a cheese and meat tray, and I had the scallops.  I love scallops.  So good!  One of the many things I love and appreciate is a nice good leisurely meal, and this was all of that and more!  I could go on and on....

After our fantastic meal we headed over to the Wynkoop to watch the Impulse Theater improve show.  Funny thing about this show, is prior to Chris I had never heard of this venue.  I had been to the Wynkoop when I first started at Qwest (almost 10 years ago) and never knew they had a underground theater with a comedy show.  I like to think I'm in the "know" in regards to what's going on around Denver, and the fact that I had never heard of this, just surprised me.  Anyways, the show is awesome.  This was the second time Chris and I had gone, and it is HI-Larious!  Such a good time, and not crazy expensive for 90 minutes worth of entertainment.  It's a show of 5 actors, and it's all strictly improve!  So none of it is scripted, and it's just fun and funny!  If you're looking for something different to do, I highly recommend Impulse Theater!
Overall the birthday was fantastic.  It was a great day spent with some of my favorite people.  I'm definitely looking forward to what the next year will bring!

2012 year in review

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?  Got married!
2. Did you keep your new year's resolution, and will you make one for next year?  No and yes, and yes.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  Yes, my friend Dena.
4. Did anyone close to your die?  No funerals this year.
5. What countries did you visit? Jamaica!
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? More time spent at the gym.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  10/5 my wedding date!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Throwing a pretty kick a$$ wedding!
9. What was your biggest failure?  Being a fat bride.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not really.
11. What was the best thing you bought? All the little details of the wedding: gifts for my bridesmaids, cuff links for Chris, etc...
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Barack Obama
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  Lots of FB people during the election, and some family during the wedding planning process.
14. Where did most of your money go?  Mortgage and wedding.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Getting married!
16. What song will always remind you of 2012?  A couple (and of course they are wedding songs): "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson (the song we were announced to) and "You and Me" by Dave Matthews Bank (our first dance as husband and wife).
17. Compared to this time last year, are you? a) happier or sadder? happier.  b)thinner or fatter: fatter.  c) richer or poorer: richer.
18. What do you wish you don't more of? Gym time.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?  Time on the couch.
20. How did you spend Christmas? In Kearney with my husbands family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2012?  More and more everyday!
22. What was your favorite TV program? Scandal
23. Do you have anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No.
24. What was the best book you read? Unfortunately the last thing I remember reading was the Fifty Shade or Gray trilogy.  I'm pretty sure that wasn't the best book I read all year, but I'll just go with it.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I wouldn't call it great, but I kinda like One Direction.
26. What did you want and get? A husband!
27. What did you want and not get? Weight loss.
28. What was your favorite film of the year? Breaking Dawn Part II.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  Chris took me to dinner at Corridor 44 and I had the best scallops ever, and to a burlesque show.  I turned 32.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not gaining weight.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept? Good.
32. What kept you sane? Chris
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Katherine Middleton
34. What political issue stirred you the most? The presidential campaign.
35. Who did you miss? I thankfully got to see all of my close friends and family this year!
36. Who was the best new person you met? Andrea
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012? Be more laid back.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? "you and me together could do anything, baby.  you and me together yes, yes.  you and me together we can do anything baby."  
Obviously 2012 was a pretty awesome year. 
Some more highlights:
January:
Mom's visit for Bridal Shows
Finding my wedding dress  

April:
Traveling to Albuquerque to attend my awesome bridal shower thrown by my cousin/matron of honor Kari!  It was truly memorable because of all the little details!
Mary and Grandma Mog's visit.  

May:
Celebrating our 1st Dating Anniversary in San Diego.
Marty, Mary, and Alice's visit.
Completing my second BolderBoulder.  

June:
Taking engagement photos.  

July:
Mom's visit  

August:
Bachelorette Party (visit from Kari and Michelle!)
Going to Seattle with Alice  

September:
Andrea and Ryan's wedding
Bronco game
Chris' birthday  

October:
Got married!
Traveled to Baltimore
Honeymooned in Ocho Rios, Jamaica  

November:
The Election
Traveling to NM for Thanksgiving
Getting our wedding pictures on Thanksgiving Day!  

December:
Traveling to NE for Christmas
Our first Christmas has husband and wife.

I know a lot more happened, but unfortunately I didn't blog as much, so that's all I got.

Holidays 2012

So much to write about, that I hope I don't leave anything out! 
For the first time I didn't do anything personalized in my Christmas card.  But I love our pictures and hope our friends and family enjoyed them as well.

We spent Christmas week in Nebraska, along with time spent in Kansas.  We left for Kearney on Sunday December 23rd.  Thankfully the 5 hour drive was uneventful going and coming as we had clear weather.

 We woke up early on Christmas Eve and drove 3 hours south to Wilson, KS to visit Grandma Mog and Uncle Bryce.  Once we arrived we exchanged gifts.  Gma made us beautiful pillow cases and a Santa decoration!  Grandma, Mom, and Alice spent time in the kitchen making steak fingers, brussel sprouts, mashed potato's, gravy, and rolls, for a fabulous lunch.  Steak fingers is one of Chris' favorite meals, and they were delish!

 On the drive back we drove around the small town of Minden, KS and saw the pretty Christmas lights.

 Christmas morning we woke up and exchanged gifts!  We had a great time celebrating with Chris' parents, and his sister Alice.  While getting breakfast ready we saw this group of wild turkeys roaming the streets.

We spent the day playing games and then went to go see the movie "Parental Guidance", followed by viewing Christmas lights in Kearney.
The day after Christmas Marty (my father in law) drove us to his homestead house also in Kansas about an hour and half away.  The family still owns the house where Marty and his siblings grew up.  His sister (Aunt Mary) and brother (Uncle John) met us there for some lunch.  Marty drove me around the area along with the Sweat Family grave site. 
We drove back on Friday December 28th, and we had a lazy weekend back home. 
We had a lovely dinner in Boulder for New Year's Eve at Oak at Fourteen.  And brought in 2013 watching the ball drop on TV with Chris asleep on my lap.
We've truly been blessed in 2012, and are looking forward to what's to come in 2013!!!