Bennett at 10 months

My sweet sweet boy turned 10 months old yesterday.  And he is slowly exiting the baby phase, which makes me so sad.
He had his 9 month well on Wednesday so I have some stats!
Weight 19 pounds 10 ounces (41%)
Height 30 inches (93%)
Head 49 cm (99%, still off the charts)

His weight is slowing down, and it's because he's now mobile and all over the house and trying to keep up with his big sister.  He is super tall.  And thankfully his head size is now curving on the chart rather than going vertical.  His appointment was super easy (no shots!) and the doctor is pleased with his development.  He's super lazy and has no desire to hold his bottle (unless he's playing with it), so that's really the one thing to work on.
His vocabulary is amazing and is very repetitive.  He is cruising all along the furniture, and loves to play in this corner of the living room between the couch and entertainment center where there is a window.  It reminds me of Helena loving to play by the fireplace in our old house.  He loves to play with things that aren't toys.  He has a 5th tooth coming in, it's on the bottom.
He loves any attention from Helena, even if it is her pushing him down or hitting him.  He just loves her and wants her attention.  He loves to pull hair, which neither Helena or I appreciate.
My favorite part of the day is his nap time.  I leave Helena alone in the living room and take Bennett into his room, rock him, feed him his bottle, and put him down.  It's really the only time of day when it is just the two of us.  Like normal Momma struggle when I first sit down and start rocking him I want to him finish his bottle quickly so I can put him down and continue on with my day.  But by the time he is done and I'm holding him on my shoulder rubbing his back, and I rock him just a little bit longer, and wish I could just stay in that moment forever because I know that before too long he will no longer need me to rock him to sleep.
He loves to throw the magnets off of the refrigerator, and musical toys, and taking things from him sister.
He's eating more and more table food.
He's officially in 12 month clothing.  Still in size 3 diapers.  Unless I need to scrub the kids, they now take baths together, but Bennett is still in a laundry basket.
Overall he sleeps really good.  Usually going to bed around 8, and up around 7ish?  But he's great at just entertaining himself in his crib, talking and laughing.
A few weeks ago he went through this phase of refusing to nap which was horrible, but thankfully that was short lived, and he's now taking one long afternoon nap.
He currently has a bad cold, horrible coughing, and constant runny nose.  Actually the whole family is sick, hopefully we'll all get better soon.
At the marriage conference Chris and I went to a few weekend ago, he did awesome in childcare!  I was really nervous, because it was for about a day and a half (Friday evening, Saturday morning and afternoon).
I feel so blessed to have another overall happy and healthy baby.  Now that he is sick he's giving me extra cuddles which I love.
When he is super tired or upset he literally yanks his head backwards and throws a full on fit.
He thankfully get distracted easily, which is nice in the moments when I have to put him down, and he starts crying.  But then he'll go find something to play with and calm himself down.
He knows his name, and will respond when you call it out.  He has started to wave and it's so cute.
I'm so happy to be his Mom!

Motherhood and Life

I've been thinking a lot of Motherhood lately.  Especially now that I'm current in a rut.  A really bad, depressive, anxiety-filled rut.  I've been wondering why motherhood is so hard.  Right now Helena is in full on terrible two stage, and I'm mentally preparing because I hear 3 is worse.  But then I feel guilty...why always (ALWAYS) with the mom guilt?!  Because in some aspects Helena is amazing and loving and perfect just how she is.  She's just 2.  I wish I could bring myself to remember that during the moments of frustration, the moments of yelling, the moments of repeating myself over and over and over and over again.  I feel bad when she wants to hang on me, and kiss and cuddle on me when we are eating dinner.  When I ask her for the thousandth time to not play on Bennett's toys.
For me life right now is in limbo.  We have an action plan, and we'll definitely be out of Alamogordo no later than 6/1.  Possibly 5/1.  No confirmation as to where, which is where my anxiety comes in.  Chris and I are trying our best to take control of the "where" but when it comes down to it we'll have to entertain any location where a job is offered.  For now Chris continues to work in Northern California 4 days a week.  He leaves at 3am Monday morning, and arrives back home around 11pm Thursday night.  The cycle is horrible.  Sunday night usually ends with me having a break down and expressing my feelings that I can't continue like this anymore.  As of right now there is no end in sight for this schedule and that also leaves me anxious.  We've been living this way since September.    As grateful I am that Chris as a job, I want our family to be living together full time again.
Then Monday is another hard day.  I usually have another break down around 5pm, just because that's the normal time I would expect Chris home.  Knowing I have 4 nights all by myself just depresses me.  This week as been especially hard because I currently have 2 sick kids.  Helena has been sick with a bad cough and cold since last weekend, and just yesterday Bennett has gotten a runny nose.  And now I have a runny nose.  The good side of the sickness?  Both kids are taking naps.  Which has given me the opportunity to catch up on TV and writing this post.  I've been doing laundry all week because our dryer sucks and is taking 3 hours to dry a load.  Plus we've been out of the house everyday this week, which has helped the time past.  Monday: I can't remember (I think Wal-mart?).  Tuesday: MOPs.  Wednesday: Bennett's 9 month well.  Thursday: Highlander oil change.
It's hard when your days are full but then at the end of your day you can't remember a single thing you did.  As a Mom I feel like the most underappreciated task of each day is the simple ending of keeping you and your kids alive.  Not that the opposite is an option, but I truly feel like I've done something right when at the end of the day my kids are sleeping soundly in their beds.  Plus raising kids is hard.  Not only am I trying to raise human beings, I'm trying to raise human beings that are nice, respectful, sweet, funny, courageous, loving, and opinionated.  That takes the task to a whole other level.
Right now I can't leave Bennett alone.  He's mobile, and he is fast.  So if I want a simple moment to go to the bathroom or forbid take a shower, he's got to be either in the pack 'n play, walker, highchair, or crib.  And Helena.  This girl as an attitude.  She's bossy and I hate that she gets her mad-tone from me.  She doesn't eat, and mealtime is usually the time of day I least look forward to.  She gets into everything.  She takes her step-stool all over the house and gets up to grab anything and everything.  She's exhausting.
I'm in constant state of wondering if I'm doing this right. I think the biggest thing about being a mom is you are immediately emerged in it.  Sure you have 9 months to prepare, but nothing prepares you for being a mom until that baby actually exits your body.  I was thinking about what I could compare it to, and the closest thing that came to mind was getting a new job.  But there are some obvious (and big differences).  When you start a new job.  You get training.  You get help.  You get support.  You get the ask questions.  You get 8 hours of sleep.  You get to go home after 8 hours.  Usually when I start a new job I dream about that job.  In my mind that's my why of processing the day, soaking up what I learned.  I've never dreamed about my mom-job.  And I think that's because becoming a mom is everything all at once.  You don't get training.  You don't get help.  You don't get support.  You don't get to ask questions.  You are sleep deprived while doing this new "job".  Your job is 24/7.   Now, of course you do get some help and some support, but for the most part you are just immersed in caring for a newborn.  The expectation is that everything needs to work.  And it's so hard.  You don't recognized for "working" and you don't get paid!  All I know is that this momma needs a break.