week 0: going back to what I know

I don’t know about you, but I know that I’ve been wondering what the heck has been going on with my weight loss. I can’t speak for you, but I surely can speak for me when I say I’ve been asking myself “What am I doing?” “I need a good kick in the a$$ because I’m getting married in FOUR months!” “Am I going to lose this weight?” “Will my dress not fit? Will I not be the beautiful bride, that I really really want to be?!”


All of these questions have been floating around in my head for awhile now. Especially as I see the number on the scale stay the same. But once we crossed into that four month mark I knew I had to get serious. Weight Watchers didn’t work for me, although honestly I don’t know if I can say that with a whole lot of credit. I really only did it for two weeks. I had given myself the impression that losing weight was easy. That I lost 90 pounds before, sure I can lose some 20 pounds more and have it be easy?! ***NEW FLASH*** losing weight is NOT easy! That first pound of 90 wasn’t easy, and the 89th pound wasn’t easy. None of it is easy. I felt mentally ready, but Weight Watchers isn’t restrictive enough. Is that weird to say? I suppose when I think back to my Slimgenic days of two years ago I had a specific list of foods I could eat. Everything else, was off limits. On Weight Watchers you can eat whatever you want, and well I let that be my excuse to eat whatever I wanted, and to not really change my habits. Hence, seeing no results. Feeling defeated, and giving up.

So last Monday I kicked myself into high gear. I’ve put myself back on Slimgenics. I’m not paying for it, but rather using Chris as my support and counselor. I don’t need Slimgenics to ask them “Why can’t have this, or that?” Rather, I just need support, someone I can talk to. Voice my victories and hard days too. I don’t need to pay for it again. I know the plan, I know the food, I know that it works. I also know that it works quick, and that I need results fast. Last weekend was emotional. Letting Chris know that this was my plain, was admitting my failure all previous weeks, and when I committed to give Weight Watchers a go. It also brought myself into the reality of remembering and preparing how hard this is going to be. I went back and read majority of my posts from this plan from two years ago, and I had forgotten how much of this journey is emotional. Not just physical. Two years ago when I signed up for this plan I knew it would be hard, I had no idea HOW hard. And now I’m signing myself up for this hardship all over again?! It was hard and emotional, but I’m doing it again, and I know it'll be worth it!

In all of my Slimgenics material I couldn’t find the full details of the prep phase. Which is the first three days to basically cleanse yourself and get your body ready for some fat removal! So I did a Google search of “Slimgenics 3 day prep phase” which got me the information that I needed. The search itself mainly brought me to blogs. And I hate to say it but unsuccessful blogs. Goes to show how hard this plan is. I’ve seen so many people start weight loss blogs, and document feelings and pounds loss for the first couple weeks or months, and then…nothing. Proof, that yet again, this isn’t easy!!! …Just an interesting observation.

Anyways, I started my prep phase last Monday 6/4. The prep phase is 3 days of UNLIMITED raw green vegetables (no peas), UNLIMITED protein (skin on is ok!), 2 eggs in the morning (prepared how you like, but not cooked in oil or butter), a half an orange in the morning, and the remaining half in the afternoon/evening. That’s it. My raw green veggies of choice are green pepper and cucumber. By day two I was sick of green pepper and cucumber. My proteins were cooked up ground turkey, steak, hamburger meat, and a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store. The chicken is a treat, because you get to have the skin, which you don’t get to have once your done with the first three days. Once Thursday was here I was super ready for my some oatmeal (that counts as one snack) and some bread! I knew from my experience before that the weekends would be my struggle. And that’s still true. I was right on point Thursday and Friday, and we did go out for some sushi Saturday night, but I definitely was cautious of my portions, and I think I did pretty good.

So I bet your curious as to how I did? Like last time, I plan to have my official weekly weight-in’s be documented on Saturday’s. I always workout on Saturdays and if anything this gives me an excuse to go to the gym. I didn’t go to the gym last Saturday 6/2 to get my official “before” weight because the weather was so nice, I just wanted to go for a run outdoors. I pulled out my at home scale but the battery is dead…which is better, because one thing I don’t want compared to last time, is being obsessed with the scale. I want to keep my weight-in’s to once a week on Saturday’s using the scale at the gym. My guess is that I was around 188 – 190. I had high hopes for a 7 pound drop as that was what I lost during my first week last time, but I was pleasantly surprised and happy with the 182 that appeared on the scale! I’m calling that a 5 pound loss! I’m super pleased, and feel focused and motivated to keep moving. While reading all of my past posts, I learned that I lost 23 pounds in the first 9 weeks. And that’s my goal. That’ll put me right at 165 at the beginning of August, which is when I need to start alterations on my dress. The other big goal I’ll reach with that number is 100 pounds lost! I hope to get to 175 by the end of this month, which is where I was a year ago. The big end goal is be 155 by 10/5! These are obviously pretty big goals, but it’s crunch time. I’m getting married in little more than 16 weeks and I want to be a beautiful bride darn-it!!

A New Habit

Old habits are hard to break. Creating a new habit, this is even harder. Getting into the grove of Weight Watchers hasn’t been easy. But then again I haven’t made it priority. Even worse, is that I haven’t told Chris that I joined. I did speak to him about joining some plan, doing something. And he encouraged me and told me that he would be supportive. Well, how can he help when he doesn’t know that I’m on a plan and that I need his help to hold me accountable? Not that I expect him to babysit me with every bite of food I put in my mouth, but I am around him during most of my meals, and well the afternoon/evenings are the most difficult. Part of my point is, had he known that I joined WW 2 weeks ago, he wouldn’t have suggested going to get ice cream last night, and I most definitely would have said no. That’s what I like to think anyways. That even though I’ve felt ready to begin the last part of my weight loss journey, I wasn’t ready to accept Chris’ help in it. I suppose part of it is in my head. Ok, maybe all of it. That I’ve done all of this by myself. Without having to really depend on anyone. That’s what makes this round so different.

So this my attempt to get back on track. I’ve always wanted to take pictures of what I eat and show you guys. So this is what I’m doing. Here is what I ate today, and the points associated with that. I figure if anything this will help hold me accountable and give you yet another peak into my world.

Now for the points. I have yet to actually use Weight Watchers to track a whole week. Now they make it easy enough to find and track the food that you eat, they even have an app that I downloaded on my phone. So truly I have no excuses to not take advantage of this. Anyways, right now my I have 30 points to get me through the day. I also have a PointsPlus budget of 49 that lasts me all week. I think I need to figure out what this is, because to be honest as of right now I have no idea what that gets me or how to use it.

For breakfast I had Quaker Instant Oatmeal, Raisin, Date, and Walnut. 4 points.

1 cup carrots. 0 points

2 cups strawberries. 0 points

½ a kiwi. 0 points.

Right off the bat, the great thing about Weight Watchers, fruit and veggies don’t add to your daily point value. I know that I need to be careful of the fruits, as some fruits contain a lot of sugar. But I like the idea that if you are hungry, you don’t have to sit and starve yourself. You can eat something colorful and nutritious!

My morning meal is also when I take my pills. My daily vitamin and fish oil.

My mid-morning “snack” is a cup of coffee. Fancy coffee. It’s regular coffee stirred in with Maxwell House International Latte in Vanilla Caramel and non-fat Hazelnut creamer. And oh my goodness it is good. I look forward to this snack every morning. I’m really not a big coffee drinker, but this helps me feel like I’m having a little treat. I just used the last of the creamer this morning, so for the rest of the week I’ll just be using the Vanilla Caramel Latte stuff with hot water. Once that is gone I plan to transition to hot tea, as that has no points.

Coffee with cream and sugar. 4 points.

I learned early on you don’t want to drink your calories…or in this instance points. Which for me isn’t really an issue. I can easily go from coffee to tea, but the other issue I know I’m gonna have is with alcohol. Now by no means do I drink a lot. And neither does Chris. But do we enjoy a glass of wine or some other alcoholic beverage on occasion? Yes. I would say on average we’ll have a drink about once or twice a week. For the next few months eliminating alcohol will be hard. It’s a social thing. But I know it has to be done.

Next is lunch. I like to eat between 1 and 1:30pm…for me the later the better, because the afternoons are hard for me. Once I eat lunch I feel like I could just keep on eating. And that’s when my bad snacking usually happens. Monday lunches are usually the same for me. Salad from the grocery store. We do our grocery shopping on Sunday’s. So I grab a nice salad to have for lunch on Monday. Today’s pick is a “Dried Stone Fruit Salad with chicken”. A mix of green leaf lettuce and baby greens, grilled chicken, dried fruit, red onion, red grapes, walnuts, feta cheese, with a pomegranate blueberry vinaigrette. Mixed in are also some carrots, and a couple of cut up strawberries that were on my plate this morning.

Salad. 6 points (what really got me on this salad were the walnuts and feta cheese).

By the time I finish my salad I am starving. This is usually what happens when I eat lunch. And I hate it. I’m more hungry after lunch than before I even started. I seriously feel I could eat forever and not get full. I don’t know why this is, but that’s just how I feel. After my meal I want dessert. I usually bring some snack or protein bar, but today I forgot! Ugh. To help me through I chew on a piece of gum. Gum is the perfect “trick” to get your mind thinking it is eating something, plus no points!
Thankfully my afternoon passed with meetings, so I was distracted with that, instead of just sitting at my desk thinking about my hunger. I didn't take a picture of it, but shortly before I left work I ate an apple.

Afternoon snack: apple. 0 points.

Once I got home I had my delayed dessert.

A chewy granola bar: 3 points.
For dinner I made a spicy sausage pasta, in a cream sauce with mushrooms, with a side of green beans.

This used the rest of my points for the day.
Dinner: 13 points.
Another speaking point I want to make is water. I’ve never had difficulty drinking enough water. I can’t remember when I started this habit, but truly the majority of what I drink is water. I have my handy dandy Camelbak water bottle right at my desk (I keep one at home too, for my workouts) and fill that about 3 times a day. It holds a little more than 24 ounces. So before I even leave work I’ve had around 72 ounces of water. (Yes, I go to the bathroom a LOT!)
So that is today in a very long nutshell! Obviously lots of information. That's going to be used primarily for me. I've had the idea of taking pictures of what I eat for awhile now, and I gotta say it makes you think. Well it makes me think. About what I'm putting in my mouth AND how much. I didn't want to up-load 20 pictures of a ton of food. I'm proud that for the most my meals were colorful.
I hope that this will help me throughout the rest of the week, and tracking my food. I had hoped to get in a workout today to get "activity points" but that didn't happen, and am going to go for later in the week. Plus I need to figure out how exactly the activity points work.

Things are in full force. And I hope to be successful.

The new: New Plan

Today was the day. I finally put my plan into action. FINALLY! I kindasortaalreadyknew what I was gonna do back in January. But then more recently found that I wanted to explore my options and find out the cost with going back to Slimgenics. It was my friend Michelle that truly turned me onto this plan. The fact that I can still pretty much eat what I want was a huge factor. After all, I have Chris in my life, and well no need to go on a super strict eating plan to torture him or me. Either by me making him eat what I eat, or by letting him eat all the good stuff.

Today I joined Weight Watchers. I know that in order to lose weight I need a guide. I need something to follow. And this gives me exactly that. Plus it is 500 times cheaper than Slimgenics...specifically since I'm just doing the online program. And hello: Jennifer Hudson she's wicked gorgeous! So this is my plan. I feel good.

Of course starting off my plan with having 2 slices of leftover pizza for lunch. Not to smart. But I have tracked it, and have snacked on fruit this afternoon, will workout later today, and am planning a healthy dinner of Taco Soup!

Now in regards to the comments I've gotten about what I said about being a beautiful bride. I more so meant that as a healthy bride...a wife that is going to be around for a long long time. But like all the comments I receive I love these just the same! I just wanted to clarify. Thank you. :)

So the new plan is to follow Weight Watchers and re-create my gym routine. Right now my goal is to hit the gym 3 times a week. I feel like this is a good starter to build myself back up and a good way to balance my new life. Then try and slowly get back up to my ideal of working out 5 times a week. As of right now I've worked out yesterday and today. And plan for my 3rd workout on Saturday.

my journey

i had dinner with my dear friend Sarah last night. she asked me, "so where is April in her 'April Journey?'" good question Sarah! lately i've really struggled with this question and answer. i think about it often. i do feel mentally prepared to lose weight again, unfortunately i'm just not doing anything about it. mainly because i'm happy. i love my life right now. i've thought about started strictly on slimgenics again, and my life when i started that program last March. if you compare my life to last March to what it is now...there are some major differences. my point is this, i don't see myself doing slimgenics in this new life. but i think that i will try it, because i know it works. i'm ready. i need to GO.
over the holidays i felt as though i was gaining weight. then i got sick. when i went to the doctor for the first time i was 100% expecting the scale to be in the 180's, and me to feel just horrible about gaining so much weight. i'm not too sure why it is that i felt this way probably because i figure the scale goes up more than it seems to go down, but all of my clothes still fit. i suppose we just set ourselves up for failure. well i was pleasantly surprised when the scale read 179...a 4 pound gain from my lowest weight, in October of 175. "not bad" i said to myself. then a week and a half later i went to the doctor again. this time i thought for sure i would be in the 180's. the scale read 176...i was SO happy about that. to see the scale go down...it felt good. good like "i want to keep going good..." i want to continue to see the scale go down. get below 175...go back into uncharted territory. i have no idea what i am right now. that visit to the doctor was almost 3 weeks ago...and realizing that i wish i was watching my diet because i could easily be 6 pounds down...i could be 170.
lets get back to basics. where is April in her journey? the simply answer is: I'm still in it. I haven't given up. lately i've had a few realizations and updates that i need to share, because this is my journey. because the answer isn't as simple as that. and soon i'll share the more complicated answer.

strictly strength 60min

week 29: something different

so i'm going to switch gears and change things up. no more weekly updates. this is for my own mental self. it has been a couple of months (if i'm being honest, which i am) since i have followed slimgenics, and i feel as thought the weight i have lost in the past few months although minimal i have done without the slimgenics plan. although credit is due to the fact that i do now know what to eat and seek out when eating due to slimgenics. but this plan isn't really something that i follow now, so i don't feel the need to do my weekly updates specifically in regards to this plan that i'm no longer doing. so i'll just update as i feel necessarily. which is what i do anyways.

as i've said i have some other things brewing and i will share those eventually.

i feel that once a change needs to happen it just needs to happen. and i've felt a change on the horizon for quite awhile.
but.
do know this. just because slimgenics is no longer part of the picture doesn't mean my weight loss is also out of the picture. the exact opposite in fact. throughout this whole process i've been taking mental notes in regards to what i like and what i don't like. so that i can create my own plan for my own life. so that is what's going to be different.

i read a lot of weight loss blogs and when something stops working you have to acknowledge it and change it. that is what i'm doing. granted i know that slimgenics works but it no longer works for me and my lifestyle. i figure it is time that i recognize that and do something about it.

this seems to be perfect timing as well, as today was the day that i was suppose to hit my goal weight of 145 with slimgenics. i have it marked on my calendar. 145 goal. this is not a reality. and it may not ever be...more and more i'm thinking i'll be happy at 155...but that is a post for another day. i'm not beating myself up about not being at my goal. throughout the past few months i've created a life in which i would much rather have than be at 145 and still have the life that i had when i first started slimgenics. and this life that is worth it. it is worth not being at 145. and i know that. so i will let it be. such is life. such is my life.

run/walk 40min
443

week 28: no change

so no change in the numbers this week. which all in all i'm ok with because last week was such a good week. i'm trying to get re-focused....again.

this week wasn't too hot in the food category but pretty kick butt in the workout category. i have worked out 6 days, and for 2 hours each on sunday and monday. i'm proud of myself for getting my butt to the gym this morning before i fly home to NM for the weekend, even if it was a super short "lazy" workout, i'm still counting it.
if only this weight would just come off with working out!!! but no such luck, food is half the battle. and in my case the long big up hill mountain battle. the battle that i can't seem to concur.
i suppose it is good that i realize that this is my weakness. i probably knew that all along, but it really wasn't until recently that my conscience realized it as well. in knowing this i also know that food will be the thing i battle with for the rest of my life. and i'm ok with that, because i know what i need to do.

i have a few ideas in the works to help keep my accountable. part of my master plan if you will. although not all that "master" if it is something i just recently thought of. :)

anyways, lots of other things going on, as my mind is rather occupied at the moment. i figure this is enough of an update for now.

elliptical 40min
406

week 26: no lie

i was sooooooooooo close today, to getting into the 170's. super duper close. i weighted in this morning at exactly 180. and can i just say that it is so nice to just put that number out there, rather than i'm down 2 pounds, or whatever. anyways, 180, is a new all time low for me. 180 is also the number on my drivers license. i'm pretty sure i've never been the weight that my drivers license read before. but not anymore. so, right now for the time being my drivers license is telling the truth for the first time. although i picture that to be only temporary, as soon i will be below 180.
more and more i'm doing this on my own, without slimgenics. i still go in 2 or 3 times a week to check in. and i'm still trying to decide how it is that i want to use them. again this past week one of the ladies pissed me off. she said to me "i didn't think that you would come back." who says something like that? needless to say i won't be sitting with her again. i was going to "re-start" the program, but because last weekend was so crazy, i didn't have the chance to go grocery shopping to prep for my prep. what i did do this week was really watch what i ate. since last thursday 9/16 to today i lost 6 pounds. 2 of those pounds being new pounds! finally, is what i have to say to that! i'm proud of that. i am also proud of the toning. because even though the scale hasn't really moved a lot this month, i do know that i have gotten toner and leaner (more lean?). it's so hard to not let the scale play mind games with you. because the scale doesn't see that. but i can. and i know how far i've come, and that i know that i'm going to keep on going.

elliptical 35min
legs
treadmill 15min
635

week 25: going down memory lane

here are some more before and after pics...well i'm not at my after yet, but you know what i mean. in all honesty, even i have to say the transformation is pretty much amazing.

tina and i ~ august 2008

tina and i ~ may 2008

tina and i ~ september 2010

so i'm not talking about slimgenics this week. i meant to go in this morning for my weekly weigh-in, but i didn't make it. since i have taken such a break from slimgenics in the past, i figure i'll just blog somethings i've been thinking in my head lately and have my blog take a break from slimgenics as well.

this morning i woke up early and decided to let everything out. with all of the weight loss blogs out there, you know every one's starting point. you know what that person weighted at their heaviest. well this is the blog i tell you that number. but first we are going back to january 2004. i had a good, consistent workout routine october 2003 to january 2004. i have no idea how much i lost because i never weighted myself, but i remember going to the doctor in jan. 04 and have the scale read 198. i was ecstatic! that was the first time in who knows how long that the scale read below 200. shortly after that weigh-in at the doctor, i started dating aaron. when aaron and i started dating, i stopped going to the gym. i definitely think i gained some weight during my relationship with aaron, but when we broke up in december 2005 i went into a deep depression. i wasn't going to the gym, and i was eating like crap. i went to the doctor on august 8, 2006 and weighted in at 264. i remember being so embarrassed that the nurse had to move the weight thing on the scale to the 250 mark. i was petrified. standing on the scale i was telling myself "this can't be. i can't be more than 250. just a few years ago i was 198."
so their it is. my heaviest, that i know is 264. ...i rounded up to 265, just to have an easy number to work with. for all i know i could have once been 270, who knows. i only ever looked at my weight when i went to the doctor. back in 2006 i worked out 22 times. what's so crazy about that, is i now workout 22 times in a single month.
here are some more numbers over the past few years.
in 2007 i worked out 25 times.
august 10, 2008 is when i started consistently working out. when i was up this morning and was looking at all my past calendar's and counting the "w's" on my calendar, this was the first month i really started going to the gym. on 8/10/08 i weighted in at 258. i remember coming home from my 10 year high school reunion and i bought a scale for the first time. so i weighted myself pretty consistently at home. on november 11, 2008 lifetime fitness opened. november 23, 08 i weighted in at 246. by november 29, 2009 i weighted 224.
on thursday when i went into slimgenics i weighted in at 186. before my "break" three weeks ago my all time low was 182. i hope to hit the 170's by october.
i have to say it is such a relief to put all of this out there. now that i have lost a considerable amount of weight i can talk more easily about my number's. which is how i came to the decision to share it on my blog. for the most part i talk very openly about my weight loss, so i figure why now here?, since this is where all of my other feelings are.
plus i wanted to point out the positive. put myself back to feeling proud of my accomplishments. when i realized that i'm past my 2 year mark of consistently working out, i thought to myself "i can do this." "i am doing this." so go ahead and ask me how long i've been working out, do it.
"so april, how long have you been working out."
"i've been working out consistently for 2 years." ...thank you very much!

U-DO race 4.4 mi 56min
586

week 24: being honest

well as you can tell i only worked out once last week. not good. but, i was on vacation. ...more to come on that later.
what's worse is that i let slimgenics completely out of the door. adios. remember when i said i was taking a "break" from slimgenics but that i planned to stay on plan? that didn't go so hot.
i've thought about this blog for the past few days and about what i would say. i thought about not writing an update at all, about saying i was giving up. i thought about being dishonest and writing out something positive rather than negative. yes, i realize i've been on this downward spiral for about 2 months now. and that all of my weekly updates have been just about the same. i know that nobody wants to hear (read) the same thing over and over again. about how difficult this is, how i challenge myself not to cheat, how i will stay on plan, how something needs to change etc...
it has been the same thing over and over again, week over week. i'm sick of it, and i imagine that you are too.
and this week is no different. although this week has been the worse. i gained a lot. so much that i don't want to share it, so i'm not going to. i'm just going to move on. i'm also pretty confident that my goal weight will also change, but i haven't 100% decided on what yet. once i know, i'll share that too.
what i do want to share is my plan of attack. my plan is start over. completely over. i plan to go into slimgenics this week and hopefully get their support on this decision. i plan to start with the 3 day prep period, and begin brand new. act as if i'm a new client. i've already started mentally preparing for this, because i do know the plan, and i know the difficulties that come with it. but when i first started this plan, i didn't give myself the option of cheating, because it wasn't an option. plus this go 'round i'll be on the right plan. so i feel that it will be easier to stay on plan.
the other thing i'm also preparing for is how to incorporate this new plan to my new social life. my goal is to be start over, and be done by mid november. 8 hard weeks. 8 weeks is nothing. when i first started this slimgenice journey i didn't really have a social network. that has changed. i know i'll want to continue to go out with my friends and be social during the next 8 weeks. but i know the importance of staying on plan. so yes, i will go out, but i am going to try and not say "yes" to everything. especially the first few weeks.
so this is the plan. starting next week. yes, i am putting it off another week, and i'll tell you why. the main reason is because i want to start my prep period on the weekend. not during the week. secondly because i don't remember the full details of the prep period to begin today(slimgenics is closed on sunday's). lastly i'll be getting my monthly gift this week, and i know that will give me some sweet tooth cravings, and why would i want to torture myself with starting a strict diet?! :)
once i get started losing some weight again, i'll update my numbers and my little number graph at the bottom of my blog.

core 30min
strike! 60min
586

week 23: my story

so i'm still trying to find a happy medium between slimgenics and myself. i let myself eat like crap pretty much all week. well not crap crap, but enough to gain 2 pounds. these horrible 2 pounds!!! i could have eaten worse, but this isn't where i want the scale to be going, especially since i am on this journey to lose. i am on my own journey.
lately i've been struggling with what people have been telling me, and what the scale says. i have 35 pounds left to lose. for me that doesn't seem like a lot, considering that when i started, my goal was "i have 120 pounds to lose". 35, piece of cake. and i know that i will get there. if i can lose 85 you bet for damn sure i can lose another 35.
but lets take my body into consideration. will my body let me lose another 35? honestly i would be happy with 30, and i made my goal what is so that i would be able to gain 5 pounds and still be a "normal" BMI. but lately i've gotten in a comfort zone of what people say and thinking that for the most part i look normal. when i tell people i want to lose another 35 pounds i usually get the reaction of "you don't have 35 more to lose" or "where do you have 35 pounds to lose?" and these comments play with my head. they make me think that i don't need to lose anymore weight. and i think subconsciously that's why i've gotten so relaxed with my food.
one thing that i want out of this when all is said and done is a flat stomach. i've never had a flat stomach. never. i really want to know what that feels like. and i'm pretty confident that i'll have that feeling when i've lost another 30 pounds, possibly 35. i've asked a few people that i'm comfortable asking "well how much more does it look like i need to lose." and the most consistent answer is between 15 and 20. lately i've also spoken to a select few people about this hanging skin that i have. right now it is most noticeable on my arms. just hanging skin. i have some access skin in my midsection, but that is where i have the most fat left to lose, so it isn't too noticeable, right now. that being said, one thing that i have an option about is surgery. now i have done zero research into this, and have no idea what the details are. all i know is that it could be an option. once i do all of this work, i want to have the body that i have worked for and deserve, but their are somethings out of my control. like hanging skin. now i'm not going to look into anything until i truly feel that i have done everything that i can do. so in order to do that i need to lose at least 25 more pounds, and do some heavy toning with weights. hire sarah to do some one on one personal training with, sculpt, tone, and build muscle. my goal is to be at this stage by december, so that when i start planning my time off and my plans for 2011 i can have a clearer picture of knowing if surgery will be part of that. and if it is, then i will start my research at that time. what's freaky about this whole thing, is that when everything is said and done, i'll easily have at least 10 pounds of access skin on me to be removed. that'll make me that much more thinner. and i don't want to be that. but like i have said, i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. all i'm saying is that it is an option, and i'm sharing it now because as of late it has come up a couple of times in discussions i've had.
plus this will help me focus on my goal, and not what other people think. i started this journey with a specific number in my head, and i need to keep my determination that i will someday see that number on the scale, and that someday i will be able to say "i have lost 120 pounds". i need to re-focus on that, and although it is flattering when people say that i don't have 35 pounds to lose, i know that i do. and if i don't like how i look at that weight, well then i just think i'll have to wait until i get there. it may sound strange, but i'm working on remembering that i'm doing this for me. not for anyone else. determination is key.

strictly strength 60min
528
+2lbs

week 22: i'm in control

so i'm taking a break. a break from slimgenics. but not a break from losing weight. lately i've gone into slimgenics and left feeling negative and urges to eat all things bad. and in reality i should be leaving feeling the exact opposite and motivated. so i've been super frustrated to say the least.

slimgenics is known for giving each one of its clients a "customized meal plan" when in really slimgenices only offers 3 different types of meal plans. when i originally signed up i was told to be on plan 2. so i did plan 2. slimgenics is a plan based strictly on food and diet. they of course promote some moderate exercise and they do encourage it but it isn't mandatory. when i signed up for this plan i told the manager that i work out 5 days a week, explained to her the details of my workouts and their intensity. she was encouraged by it, and advised me to keep up with my workouts. early on in the program one of the nutritionists asked me how many hour a week i workout. i had never really logged the time on a week by week basis, so i told her probably between 5 - 7 hours a week. she advised me to log it and that we would look at it in a week or two. ...their is a spot on my daily food diary to put in exercise, plus i'm usually in my workout clothes when i go into slimgenics. the other question i would normally get from the staff at slimgenics if i ever felt "hungry" or if i felt like i was getting enough food. i advised them that the beginning was the hardest but that i've learned to manage out my food throughout the day so that i don't feel like i was starving. ...of course this was also the time that i started cheating more frequently and not writing down my cheats!
then last week i asked about the different plans. i read through all of my slimgenics info and read about plan 3. so i asked what determines whether or not a person goes on plan 3? i was told that anyone who works out more than 5 hours a week. so then the conversation was about possibly moving me to plan 3, and the food detailed in this plan. i thought maybe it was a good idea. when i got home i thought more about it, and got mad. i got pissed actually. especially because i know i've been getting more hungry lately since i've been doing weights.
then i went in on friday and was upset at my lack of weightloss results. we talked more about plan 3, and i started cry, because i felt as if i should have been put on this plan from the very beginning. i feel that i had started with this plan and gave my body the food that it needed, i wouldn't have cheated as much as i have, and would have been further along in this weight loss journey. granted we can plan the what if game for forever, but that's just what i feel. i think had i been more honest with my food journals, and maybe put the clues together about why i was being asked about how much time i spend working out and if the food that i'm eating is filling me up, i could have been switched to plan 3 earlier. on friday i stormed out of slimgenics upset and crying and not wanting to yell, so i left.
i spoke to my mother about it, and she said the most perfect thing. she said "april, you've given them too much power. you need to take your power back." so that is exactly what i'm doing. this my journey, my life. my mom also stated that their are hundreds of ways to lose weight. and that this isn't the only way. i've been doing this plan for 22 weeks now, which is more than 5 months. my weight loss journey isn't what the average slimgenics client goes in for, which is 30-40 pounds. it is 120 pounds. so mixing things up i think is necessary. i did the first 40 pounds completely on my own, i've done 45 on the slimgenics plan, and the last 35 will come off somehow. i'm not too sure how because i haven't gotten rid of it yet, but i know that i will lose it. when i explained all of this on saturday i was supported. i think that the people at slimgenics understand that for those of us who have a longer journey to fulfill these breaks are good for our success. ...this is what i'm telling myself anyways.
since saturday i already feel better and lighter. i feel more in control. i don't feel so much pressure on my shoulders, and i feel more lively. i feel that once i'm back from vacation next week, i'll be that much more motivated to go back into slimgenics and finish this journey. now like i said just because i'm not checking in with slimgenics 3 days a week, doesn't mean i'm allowed to eat whatever i want. i'm not taking this "break" to sabotage myself. i'm taking this break to show myself that i can do this. so i'll still give my blog it's weekly update as normal, really the only thing changing is me going into slimgenics 3 days a week. that's it.
with all of that being said. i lost 3 pounds this week. which is 2 new pounds lost. given the sweets i had this week along with the stress i feel i put on myself, 2 pounds is pretty good.
here's to me regaining my power!

the mixx 60min
-3lbs

week 21: fried food

fried fish, fried shrimp, french fries, spring fling cake, pasta salad. these are foods not on plan. these are foods i have consumed this week. what's a girl to do? blame her period, of course. makes sense, right? well of course i can't blame that factor alone. i'll also blame my poor planning. even though food this week was bad bad and even more bad, my workouts were good. and majority of the food in between the bad food was good food. with all of those things combined, resulted in a 1 pound gain. all things considered, i am happy. well happy isn't the right word, but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. i'll move on to the new week, and focus on that.

i wish i could go back to that feeling of when i first started this plan. when cheating wasn't an option. where i was still learning the details of the plan, had the excitement of doing something new. being excited over seeing results every time i went into slimgenics. you know kinda like when you start a job. you work really hard to do good at it, to get results, to impress your boss, your peers, yourself. you feel proud and excited when you meet your accomplishments. i had all of those feelings when i started slimgenics. i'm trying to get my head back at that mental place of the beginning. because that's when i feel i was the strongest. obviously their is no going back in time (if only) but i can get that excitement back. i know i can do it. i've lost 43 pounds on this plan in 21 weeks, 2 pounds a week. not bad. but just imagine what the numbers could have been had i fully followed plan? had no mix ups? coulda woulda shoulda. but this life. life is full of mix ups. regardless of how much you plan. nothing goes as planned. i will continue to try. and i will finish this journey. i've been deviating a lot from plan. selecting food not on plan, but food that is still healthy and low calorie/low fat. i feel like i'm teaching myself what life will be like once i begin the maintain phase. which is great, but i'm not on the maintain phase yet. i'm still in the lose weight phase. so yes, i am feeling good that i'll be able to maintain. but i need to finish losing first. which has created this cycle i'm in, this cycle of sabotage. i need to find the motivation in me to get back to what i paid these people for. to teach me what to eat. simple, right? the simple answer, is yes. onward and upward i go.

4.5 mile jog/walk 60min
532
abs/legs/arms/back - weights 30min
+1lb

week 20: saying it out LOUD

my head is full of topics all about weight loss. all about my journey, my successes, my failures. eating healthy, working out, getting to my goal = those 3 things occupy majority of my thoughts. i have my blog to help express everything. my frustrations, my celebrations, and everything in between. for the most part these are thoughts in my head, and then they become words in my blog. very rarely do i express what's going on verbally. yes i do have friends i talk with about what's going on, but then yesterday i read this post out loud to my friend tina that was visiting. as i was reading it, i started crying. then i read her the comments my readers wrote, and i cried some more. throughout this whole experience i had yet to let myself cry. ...i had felt a good cry coming, but that was so unexpected. while reading that post i remember feeling what i felt like at those low low points, and then allowing myself to cry tears of happiness for what i have accomplished since those moments.

because i am proud.

that's right, i said it. i am proud. :)

this journey hasn't been an easy one, and i'm slowly allowing myself to celebrate what it is that i have done. actually reading those words out loud, was such a different experience compared to thinking them in my head and actually typing them out. like saying those words out loud was like a whole other texture to the platform. does that make sense? i suppose that's another thing about this experience. it's definitely full of surprises. just when you think it is just eating healthy and working out, it is so much more than that. i'm learning to feel every part of this experience. to talk about it, to do it, experience it, remember it, read about it, everything.

the scale was nice to me this week. i'm down another 2 pounds! i'm loving august right now!

today i was in downtown denver walking around with my friend tina and we went into one of the little fashion boutiques in larimer square. you know one of those cute stores, with only a few pieces of any one item, over priced, and only carries up to size Large if your lucky? well i've been inside these stories many times with friends browsing and i've always found cute pieces but nothing that would even come remotely close to fitting me. well while searching through the items in this store i found a beautiful dress on the sale rack. i pulled off the size large held it up to me and immediately thought "no way, this won't fit." but i decided to give a go. i slipped it on, checked myself out in the mirror and almost immediately started crying.

it fit.
and you know what? it looks beautiful.
and you know what? i bought it.
i bought a cute summer halter dress from a cute little speciality boutique store in downtown denver called Violet. i wanted to scream! never in my life had this happened to me. never. it feels goooooood!

3mile run/walk 40min
412
-2lbs

week 19: goodbye obese!

...hello overweight! this is a huge milestone for me. my BMI is no longer in the category of "obese" and is now "overweight". obviously not where i want it to be, but it is a necessary step to where i'm headed. i was hoping to hit this milestone last month, but better now than never. it's crazy to think that i have spent majority of my life in that "obese" category. easily the last 17 years i've been obese. how gross is that?! but, not anymore. i'm officially overweight and on my way to the normal weight category. it is so weird that i'm on the final part of this journey.

lately a lot of people have been asking me how i feel. they'll say "i bet you feel great." or "i bet you feel so much lighter." and in all honesty i have no idea how i feel. yes, of course i feel good, but majority of the time i feel out of place. like i don't belong here. like i'm trying to learn some foreign language but i'm actually learning it, but don't know how to use it. like i'm trying to lose weight and i'm actually losing it, but now i don't know what to do or what to think, or how to react. so many people who are my age know the feeling of having been skinny at one point or another in their life. i don't know that feeling.
let me be honest though. i joined my first gym when i was 20. that was the first time i started working out. although never for more than 4 or 5 months at a time...until i started working out in november 2008. during all of my little stints at the gym and all the times in between i had never really watched my diet. i do think when you are working out you do make healthier choices in regards to your food, but prior to what it is that i'm doing right now i had never really put myself on a "diet". and i like to think what i'm doing now isn't a diet, but more so a way of life. i'm learning what to eat, and what my body needs. when i was as big as i was i had moments of thinking of weight loss surgery. but i knew one of the "requirements" was you had to exhaust all other forms of weight loss to qualify for the surgery. and i knew that in my gut i hadn't. because i knew i had never really watched what it is that i put in my mouth.

this journey although not over, has already taught me so much. and i'm so thankful for everything that i have learned. because i know that i will be and that i am a better person.

i'm down 3 pounds this week! i'm a little bit nervous because i have something picked out as my final congratulations to myself for hitting my goal weight, and it's planned while i'm in albuquerque the second weekend in october. i'm ok if i'm not exactly at my goal weight at that time, but i do want to be within 10 pounds of that. and in order to do that i have to stay on plan. which is nerve-racking. but this week was exactly what i needed. i needed a good number to help motivate me, and get my confidence back after a not too hot july. thankfully this week supplied me with just that.

strictly strength 60min
442
-3lbs

week 17 & 18: catching up

so i'm not going to talk a lot about last week because well it is in the past and their is nothing i can do about last week. i obviously didn't "weigh-in" last saturday because i was on vacation in RI relaxing on the beach! one thing i happy to report about my trip, is how conscious i am of my food decisions. while on vacation i definitely sought after healthy food. i didn't stress about staying on plan, but rather focused on eating healthy(although i did indulge a few times). in fact from my weigh-in prior to my trip (7/19) to my weigh-in after i got back (7/26) i was actually down. so i lost weight while on vacation! something i am proud of!

back to current time. this week was ok. i'm slacking. and i have been slacking. i need to get back to basics. show myself that i can do this. without cheating, without starving, and start losing weight again. i'm at this cross roads where i just want to be done. i need to strictly plan out all of my meals, and stick to it. no cheating(am i starting to sound like a broken record?). none. get my confidence back in regards to this plan.
since 7/17 i'm down 4 pounds. but since i was up 2 pounds on 7/17 from 7/10 (and 7/3), i'm really only down 2 pounds. which really means that i'm only down 2 pounds for the entire month of july. not good. but i'm another number that i've never been, and seeing that number on the scale this morning felt great, and i want to continue on that feeling. i need to get over my "fear" and realize that this is my new reality. that this happening. that i have done this, that i can continue to do this.
being this person i have never been is a good feeling. i have so much to grow upon. who knew that you could grow while shrinking?! ...haha, get it?
anyways i'm tired. i've had a long day. today's workout was my zumba certification! i probably did about 4 hours of cardio today, and the class will be a blog in itself, so don't worry you will get the full details!

zumba cert.
-4lbs

week 16: U-turn

i've gone backwards again. the scale is up two pounds. and so i'm going to have to lose these 2 pounds that i've already lost, again. i realized this week that i've created this cycle of safety. i'm scared. scared to be thinner. their, i said it. on top of being scared, i'm PMSing, and really struggling. with the combination of all that, this blog is going to be all over the place. you've been warned.

i'm scared of the unknown. true, i am currently in the category of unknown. of being the thinnest i've been since middle school, but to go even beyond that? i don't know. it is scary. to finally come to the realization that this can be done. really? am i sure? i'm working on it.

this week has probably been one of the more difficult weeks i've had. for the first time in a really really really long time, i actually thought about giving up this week. i thought about no longer going to the gym, i thought about no longer eating healthy. i thought about stopping. tuesday and wednesday i didn't workout. i believe that, that 2 days in row without the gym triggered this feeling. ...who knows when the last time was where 2 days in row passed without a workout? wednesday was suppose to be my day 1 of 7 for my 7 day workout challenge. which will now have to wait because i leave for vacation on wednesday. i didn't get off of work in time to make it to zumba, so instead i got dinner from burger king, and didn't workout. thursday was another struggle. again i thought about not working out and ordering a pizza. thankfully that didn't happen. i did get my butt out the door and to STRIKE! and consumed no pizza!
now everyday, i have to convince myself to go to the gym. every single day. of course for the most part it is just a habit, but i still have to tell myself to do it. but this week, i was de-motivated. it felt has though i had to literally kick myself to get going. to not give up. i'm discouraged by this, but i have kept going. for that i am proud of myself. even yesterday, i was trying to find an excuse to not workout. i even tried to make plans with a friend, so that i wouldn't have the opportunity to workout. it's been forever since i've done that. again, thankfully my plans didn't work, and i went to the gym, and i worked out. but really, seriously, who is this person? it's been so long since i've seen her, for this length of time. i hope she departs soon! because i don't know how much longer i can keep motivating myself on this level at this intensity.

i am happy to report that i do have a plan of attack for when i return from my vacation. i plan to re-commit myself. start hard core on my eating plan, and get over my fear of being thinner. i had a number in mind for this vacation, and i'm 15 pounds away from that number. i obviously am not going to make my goal. but i need to push myself to get out of my comfort zone. to advance head on to being this thinner self. this healthier self. that although it is scary, it is worth it. i just need to tackle it, and be done. just do it, without thinking about it. i hope that if i do that, i won't have time be scared.

power class 60min
431
+2lbs

week 15: maintain

no weight loss this week. but no weight gain either. which i am very pleased about. and as to be expected. considering what i was given, it could have been worse. i actually ate pretty good all week long, i just ate out all week long. having my parents here really through off my whole week. i didn't go grocery shopping last weekend, so i had no food to prepare for myself. i take that back. i did. i had two meals in the refrigerator at work which, i guess someone at work decided to clean out the fridge and my tupperware with my food inside. so that started off on monday, and i used that as an excuse to not prepare any food for the rest of the week. bad, i know. but i did some major grocery shopping tonight, and i plan to have a good week next week.

i'm slowly learning to not beat myself up, because it truly does no good. this journey is meant to be a positive one, and a learning one. if i focus on all the negativity and my failures i'm bound to give up, and that isn't an option. so rather than do that, i just move forward. on top of that, i am just now realizing that i am doing this. that this will get done. i was having an email conversation with my cousin last week and she asked how i felt about this weight loss. i responded by saying something in the effect of: i can't believe that i am actually doing it. i'm definitely still in shock over the whole thing. i often wonder if their will be a time where i won't picture myself as the "fat girl". because that is who i have always been. if i'm not that, then what am i? honestly, i don't know. it just seems like that label as always been part of me. and not that i have to replace it with something, and i know that i am many other things, but it just seems as though that has always been an identity that i've always carried with me. so much to learn about the new me! it's all exciting. i'm looking forward to keep on, keepin' on.

elliptical 30min
treadmill 30min
strength training 20min
728
0lbs

week 14: i listen

first off i want to say thank you. thank you to those who read my blog, and faithfully leave comments. i truly truly appreciate it! i feel like sometimes i need to reply to specific comments that i get, but then i get lazy, and i don't. well this is in response to all of those times. thanks so much for all of your compliments and words of encouragement! and with that let me say, that getting compliments for me is very uncomfortable, and i felt i should have let that be known in that post. and i never want people to compliment me because they feel like that they have to, and i hope i haven't come across that way. this whole experience is just weird. and i know i use that word a lot but i really don't know of another word to describe all the changes going on around me, in me. i suppose if i really thought about it some other words could be: strange, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, unknown, alien, unexplored (yes, i did just google: "other words for strange").
but i want you to know that i take your comments to heart, and sometimes follow their advise. example emily's comment in creating a habit in 42 days. at that specific time i went to the calendar and counted out 42 days. that put me right to the end of June. i thought wow, perfect timing. i even marking on my calendar on 6/30 "42 days". and every time i looked at that, i knew that it meant that was my timeline of creating the habit of eating healthy. for the most part it worked. lately i have noticed that i am definitely more conscious of what it is that i eat, and making sure it is on plan. but i have also dealt with reality, that i will cheat. that i won't be perfect, and the pressure to do just that is just too much and isn't realistic. so instead i'll deal with it and move on. because honestly i cheat just about every single day. granted it isn't anything major. in fact i couldn't tell you the last time i cheated on a whole meal. but i do cheat.
for instance, i'm not a coffee drinker. not at all. but recently at the break room on my floor their have been flavored creamers. that is my weakness when it comes to coffee. and well creamer isn't on plan. but i will have some coffee with one of those little containers of flavored creamer. so that'll be my cheat for the day. so again, nothing major. nothing that'll break me and cause me to gain all of weight back. and i know that, so i don't give myself a hard time about it.
if having that cup of coffee with creamer is what i have instead of going and getting some peanut M&M's then i say i'm making progress. and you know what? i know that. i am making progress. and who knows maybe one day i'll go without creamer at all. so thanks emily for that little tip.
with that, this week was a slow week, as i knew that it would be after my super loss from last week. my parents are in town, and i'm not eating that great. i'm down a pound this week! another pound lost, i'll take it! having my blog and such a great support system during this journey means the world to me. knowing that i have people rooting for me, definitely helps. so thank you, and in addition to all of your words of motivation i look forward to a big celebration when this part of my journey is over with!

treadmill 20min
strictly strength 60min
789
-1lbs

small victories

more weight loss talk ahead. i realize that lately this is consuming my blog, and that's because lately weight loss has been consuming my life, my thinking, my whole being. ...well not really, but it does consume majority of what is going on around me.
i'm slowing becoming very proud of what i have done thus far in this journey.
that i am finally doing it. that i am finally putting all the talk into action.
that all of this work is (gasp!) paying off! it's weird because after working for so hard for so long and not really seeing any major results, and then to finally see results is just about takes my breath away.
one thing that i think is important about this journey is to document my progress. i unfortunately (or fortunately) didn't take any measurements of myself when i was at my heaviest so who knows how many inches i've lost and all of that type of stuff. ...they did take my measurements when i started slimgenics, but my journey started way before i begun that plan. so i will share what i know and what i'm comfortable with. at my heaviest i was a size 24 pant, i am now a size 16 pant! ...i'm pretty sure the last time i was a size 16 i was in middle school (seriously). i've gone from a XXL shirt or a 2x women's, to a size L or M. ...i bought a M size dress shirt last weekend at JCPenny that fits me perfectly.

last but not least, look at my face! ...the last time (late 2003) i lost some weight the first place i lost was in my face. this go round, my face took a little bit longer to get thinner. now that it is finally showing in my face, i love it!
lets compare:

June 2010

July 2007

i chose the above pic because it was taken almost exactly 3 years ago. and O M G, just look at the difference! i definitely consider that a big small victory!

treadmill 31min
50/50 60min
942

week 13: getting rid of all the crap

another successful week is behind me! i lost 5 pounds this week! i have noticed a strong pattern that the week after TOM i have a pretty drastic loss. which in all honesty kinda gives me something to look forward to when it comes to that TOM. right now i feel great. this was probably one of my easiest weeks. i have found different ways to satisfy my cravings, and it is good to recognize that. i usually get hungry right around 11am, but try my hardest not to eat lunch until 12:30pm, so rather than snacking, i'll get a cup of hot tea. and in the afternoon when i find myself wanting dessert i'll chew a piece of gum. obviously not the same, but it is the habit of the same. know what i mean? i'm still getting something. rather than nothing.
last night was hard. very rarely do i have any money on me when i go to the gym. mainly so i won't spend money, and lately so i won't go get fast food. but last night after i left the gym i had my debit card with me because i planned a stop to get gas. i had just worked out so i was hungry. i was having a conversation with my head that was trying to justify a trip to the drive thru. all the while i was trying to think what was in my house that i could eat. luckily i didn't cave. i went home and made myself a tuna sandwich!
i told that story to the lady at slimgenics this morning and she said that's good. the fact that you are having these cravings shows that your body is getting rid of it. getting rid of all the crap. so much of the food we eat is crap. the one thing i really like about this program is i can easily recognize what is good and what is bad. that majority of the foods that i eat are veggies. that i plan each one of my meals to have veggies.
i'm slowly becoming more comfortable in my new body. when i saw the number on the scale this morning, it almost doesn't seem real. that this is really happening. i can cross my legs underneath my desk! ...and yes believe me this is news, huge news! yesterday i got my eye brows waxed and laying on the table/bed thing, i had plenty of room to put my hands at my sides(which wasn't the case a couple months ago)! all these little things are changing, and it's weird. i wonder if i'll ever get used to it.
my workout today was a little bit different. i had an overly ambitious thought last week to try and get together a relay triathlon. well this particular triathlon is on 8/1 the day after my zumba certification class. and i was the only one who said i could do the 1/2 mile swim. and i think doing an open water swim at 7:30am the day after an all day training, just isn't going to happen. so today at the gym i attempted to do this 1/2 mile swim (35 lenghts of the pool) and i would say i did a little bit more than half before i gave up. i swam for about 25 minutes, going back and forth between the freestyle and the breast stroke. i honestly can't tell you the last time i swam that much! i didn't wear my HRM in the pool, as i'm not too sure hot that works, so my calories lost just comes from my run. speaking of run. i'm definitely getting better at that. or to be more realistic jogging. i feel better, and can go further distances jogging, which i'm happy about!

treadmill 30min
swim 25min
346
-5lbs