An update on Me

My friend Sarah posted this back in August, and it's really stuck with me, and for this post, it'll be used as a segway into me, and where I am in my healthiness journey.  Here's the whole caption:

"Whether you power walk, dance Zumba, ride a bike, do Crossfit, follow Insanity, downward dog at sunrise or just made it from your couch to the front door of the gym, you're already doing great. Keep moving, keep going. Recovering from a second c-section has changed my perspective on what it means to be fit and what it is to have a strong body. I have a lot of work to do, this for sure. I have weight to lose. You, newbie, back there in the corner of the group fitness room hoping you don't get busted out in class, I get it. I'm there with you. Let's work together, let's keep moving. Don't stop coming to class. You, super fit person, who has no time to wait for the newbie, I know you. I've been there too. I remember what it feels like so I'll catch up to you soon. Everyone come together and find out what awesome things your body can do for you! Let's be thankful we all keep moving every damn day."

 

Granted I've never had a c-section, but I can truly relate to being across the board with my fit-self.  I started and stopped so many times prior to ballooning up to 265 in the summer of 2008, and ever since I started (again) in the fall of 2008 I honestly don't feel like I've ever stopped.  I have definitely had some draw backs, and I think it's safe to say that the last year I've gone backwards, but I've never, ever stopped.  And for that I'm proud.  I've slowed down.  And I predict sometime in the future I'll go full steam ahead like I once did in 2009 and 2010.  Since I've returned to blogging I haven't really discussed my weight, but I feel like my readers are probably wondering where I'm at.  So I figured an update was due, along with some other thoughts on the subject.  My update is:  I'm still trying.  I am definitely not down any weight, in fact I've gained more weight since last I spoke on the subject.  No need to beat me up about it, I've done that enough.  I know I may sound like a broken record, but there you have it.  I'm uncomfortable, disappointed, and disgusted with myself.  Not all of my hard work of losing 90 pounds is out the door (thank goodness) but once I get at it full steam ahead, it's discouraging to know that a lot the pounds I'll be losing, I'll be losing for the second time around.  It's interesting, because I know I've thought I would never be one of those to regain lost weight.  Especially in the matter of 12 months, but that is obviously not the case.  I wish I had a turning point, or a event that caused it all, but I don't.  I got lazy.  Sure I could blame getting married, adjusting to married life, such big transitions, but that's no excuse.  If I really wanted to maintain I could have. 

I think one of the biggest changes are in the way I'm treated.  I definitely noticed changes in the way people treated me as I was going through the actual weight loss, and all of it being very positive.  But now that I'm going the opposite direction, it's different.  I was trying to think of a way to word it because it's not obvious.  People aren't out right mean or rude, people are plenty nice.  They just aren't as warm.  Not as sincere, it's something in there demure.  Body language and attitude.  I think it's because people are trying so hard to act normal, like nothing has changed.  Do I want people to acknowledge it, and come right out at ask: "Have you gained weight?"  No, I don't want that.  It's obvious.  But just because people don't ask, doesn't mean I can't tell.  It's a weird experience going from one extreme to the other.  I notice it everywhere.  At work, at the gym, and with strangers.  Strangers ignore fat people.  Rarely make eye contact, and just try to act as if they don't see you.  Its unfortunate but true.  People gravitate toward attractive people, and when you aren't attractive, you don't get noticed. 

 

So I'm currently back at the back of the group fitness classes (being shy and unfamiliar with my surroundings), and usually when I do go to the gym it's either on the treadmill or the elliptical which has always been my "easy" go-to workout.  And my normal workout time is around 35-45 minutes.  One day I'll be back at the front in class (executing all of the moves with sharpness and knowing what I'm doing) showing the goods, and working out 60+ minutes.  I remember when I was there, I used to think a 35 minute was just a warm up, and I used to think it was funny that once upon a time I actually thought working out for 35 minutes was a work out.  And well now, I'm super proud of myself for getting to the front door of the gym, walking inside, and actually doing something.  This is all part of my journey, and just a piece of where I'm going.

later

Chris and I went to church on Sunday.  It was our first time there since moving, so it was long overdue and oh so welcome.  There is something so uplifting about going to church.  I love our pastor.  He approached us and said hi, who knows what it is but having him come up to us, definitely made me feel special.
I always think of things to "discuss" on my blog while in church.  My time in church is definitely reflective, and forces me to think about things, pray for things, and be grateful for the things that I do have. 
Pastor Ken spoke about the term "later".  How we use that term as a drug.  We'll say: "I'll get to that l a t e r..." and before you know it years have passed. 
I, of course, related to that term, and immediately thought about my weight loss (or lack thereof).  I've been trying to lose these last 25-30 pounds since October 2010....and now I've gained 30 pounds, so now I have 60 to lose.  I think about how October 2010 was 2 and half years ago!  And how had I lost a pound a week I would totally be there already and not complaining about this gain.  How a pound a week is totally doable.  I ask myself: What has triggered in my head to now do it already?  Why do I keep saying later?  I suppose finding the answers to these questions doesn't really change anything.  If anything, I want to change my outlook.  This current transition I am in, I don't like.  I feel weight loss is all or nothing.  And right now I'm going at it very half ass.  Which doesn't really result in anything, so I'm hoping eventually I'll go all in. 
I think I'm doing good on my goal for March, of working out 10 times.  I've worked out 4 times thus far, and packed my gym bag for the first time in who knows how long, to hit the gym right after work. 
I need to find my motivation again.  I think that is what's so frustrating about this whole thing.  When it comes down to it, I know I'm the only one who can motivate me.  That responsibility only belongs to me. 
Later might never come, so now is really the only time to do anything about it.  I hate that this is my lifelong struggle, and that I know on some level it will always be hard.  But I know it could be worse, and I know I need to make the most of my time now that I have it.

March Weigh-In

I had another large does of reality today.  And I mean "large" in every sense of the word.  I've decided to hold myself more accountable.  So the first Saturday of every month, I'm going to have a weigh-in and write about it.  I don't have a plan per se, which I feel is just setting myself up for failure, but I have to start somewhere.  I figured a good starting point was to see the number on the scale.  I got up this morning after a very nice nights rest, and went to the gym.  I stepped on the scale the first time since sometime last summer: 205.  My first thought: crap, I'm in the 200's.  I seriously didn't think I was that bad.  Seriously.  I thought maybe in the 190's, but surely not a number beginning with that god-awful 2.  But there it was starring at me right in the face: 205.  Two hundred and five pounds.  That's a gain of 31 pounds since my all time low.  No wonder none of my clothes fit me.  But at the same time it's kinda crazy what I can still squeeze my fat a$$ into after such a gain. 
After seeing that number and heading up to get reacquainted with the treadmill, I had a good workout to sort out all of thoughts in regards to this weight gain. 
It's a weird feeling not being comfortable at the gym.  This gym used to be my home.  I used walk around confidently, look for people who I knew, say hi, be social.  But now more than anything my gym feels like a foreign place.  No familiar faces, definitely no confidence in my walk, just go in put away my things in the locker, do my work out, and leave. 
My first goal is to work out 10 times this month.  It's sad to say but I'm pretty sure that since I've met and been with Chris, the most I've been to the gym is maybe 5 times in a month.  Considering I used to be in there at least 20 times in a month, I figured 10 was a good number, since it is a long month it seems totally doable.  One down, nine to go. 
As I was leaving for the gym I got excited as I noticed daylight savings time begins next Sunday.  I'm definitely not looking forward to losing that hour of sleep next weekend, but I will love having that extra hour of daylight!  It makes me feel good as I know that will effect me meeting my goal of 10 workouts this month. 
It feels weird starting over.  Which I feel like I am.  But so many things are different.  I know I'm not 265, which is good, and I feel like I have to point out something positive.  I'm struggling a lot with my motivation.  In the past I feel like I did my weight loss anonymously, and this time around I don't feel so anonymous.  But I still feel alone.  I do have loving and awesome support from my husband.  He's always been there to encourage me, and to tell me I could go workout everyday if I wanted to.  But it was my choice to stay home, not his.  Motivation used to come so easily to me, just like working out used to come so easily to me.  I used to motivate people.  I'm nowhere near the person I used to be.  I miss her. 
I'm going to spend the month of March working on my cardio.  I did 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning, mostly walking...and I left feeling like I was dying.  40 minutes on the treadmill mostly jogging used to be a walk in the park.  But again, I have to start somewhere.  The big goal for this month is get out of the 200's.  Lose those 5 pounds, and have a weight that starts with a "1" again.  I'm so thankful for the upcoming warmer months and longer days.  Just what I need. 

the elephant in the room

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I've had a lot on my mind as of late.  And I think I'm ready to actually deal with it, and share it.  I've been in denial for the last couple of months, and I'm ready to deal with it, and hopefully reach out and get some help.  I have a lot of issues I think I need to deal with, and although none of them are "major" they are definitely effecting me, and what it is I think of myself.  Chris said to me over the weekend that he wants me to be happy.  We were driving home, and his statement gave me this light bulb moment.  For so long, I've been the one responsible for my happiness.  And now I have this man who wants to make me happy.  The concept is a little bit weird.  As much as I appreciate his focus on me, and wanting to make me happy.  It unfortunately doesn't work that way.  I need to make me happy first.  He could give me everything that I've ever wanted, and it in the grand picture of life, it really wouldn't matter, because I have to make myself happy first, before I can accept any of his givings to make me happy. 
In the past (once in HS, and once in 2006) I've been diagnosed as depressed.  In 2006 specifically I was  depressed, eating fast food for just about every single meal, heartbroken, had no friends, and had no social life.  I started seeing a counselor and she diagnosed me with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  It was the beginning of the year and she put me on some pills, and advised that with the slowness of the season, and hardly any sunlight out, it was affecting my mood.  That with the change into Spring time, longer hours, and more sunlight, I would notice a change in my mood.  Thankfully she was right.  Come March of that year I almost noticed an immediate difference.  I gradually took myself off of whatever anti-depressant I was on, and felt better.  It makes sense really.  Everything around you in the fall and winter are sweet and savory items.  Everything seems dark.  Come spring and summer, everything turns light and fresh.
If I had to make a educated guess I would say, that I'm currently experiencing SAD.  Combine that with my recent weight gain, and I'm not feeling all that great.  ...There I said it, weight gain.  It's horrible and disgusting and I hate it.  Ever since I got married, I've let myself go.  I didn't get to where I wanted to be on my wedding day, so once I went from Bride to Wife, I just stopped caring.  I've known that the fall and winter are difficult, that there is no point in even trying.  And without my gym routine to keep me maintaining I've gained weight.  I've had to go buy new clothes, and just about everything I wear is uncomfortable.  I've even stopped wearing makeup, and I don't want my picture taken.  I'm beginning to recognize myself.  ...I never really got used to seeing me as a "thinner" version.  I never really looked like "me" because that wasn't who I was used to seeing.  And now?, well I'm starting to see "me" again, and that scares me.  It's bad, and I know it's bad.  That is the big.fat.elephant. in the room.  Phew - I'm so glad I've finally gotten that out of the way.
It came to a head this weekend.  I was forced to no longer live in denial, but to deal with reality.  I had seen it coming for awhile now.  Some looks and comments at work, but nothing like what happened Saturday night.  At the beginning of the year I tried to put together a birthday celebration get together for myself the Saturday before my birthday 1/12.  Unfortunately nobody could attend, so by default I just sorta canceled it.  I was bummed.  As you know my birthday is a big deal to me, and I was sad that none of my friends could go.  But then, a couple other of the January birthday gym girls put together a get together for this past Saturday.  I was immediately excited.  It had been awhile since I had seen my group of friends, and I was really looking forward to going out and having a good time.  Almost immediately I could tell this wasn't going to be a good night.  The warmest welcome I got was from a woman who I met at Dena's Christmas party and her introduction of her husband.  Two people who don't know the thinner version of me.  I felt invisible.  It was a unwelcome feeling, and a feeling I've had many times in my bigger, fat past.  Even someone whom I consider a good friend didn't even stop to say "hello" to me.  It got so bad when the one other couple sitting at our table of 6 got up and left to go sit at another table.  Do I blame some of this on myself?, absolutely.  Could I have gotten up and mingled, and been more outgoing, created more conversation?  Definitely.  But I felt as though I was being judged.  That they were just waiting to say "Have you seen how much weight April has gained?"  At one point in time I got pissed.  I've shared so much of my life with this group, and now they are all pretty much ignoring me.  And then I realized all of that was post weight-loss.  They don't know the bigger version of me.  They don't correspond with "my" kind.  They think of us as lazy.  I know I'm being dramatic and I'm pretty sure that none of them actually had any of these cold thoughts.  But if anything, these are the thoughts going on in MY head.  Which is good.  Because I need to look at this reality I've creating for myself, and do something about it.  This is my struggle. My weight is my struggle.  This will be my struggle of the rest of my life.  Of course just as I had decided the night was ruined and that I wanted to leave, the table across from us asking if we wanted to move the two tables together.  I declined, held my tears back, got up and left while Chris paid the tab.  I was devastated.  I used to be this fun outgoing girl, who would have so much fun with this group of friends.  How did this happen?  Have I changed?  Is it because I'm married?  It is because I'm fatter?  I would say probably a combination of all of the above.  I would've never guessed that Saturday night would have gone the way that it did.  I was looking forward to staying out late, having fun conversation with my friends, and flirting with my husband.  Instead, we were only there for about 45 minutes, and home with my husband comforting me while I cry.  It's a familiar picture, and one I don't like.  I do have other issues going on and I need to make that extremely difficult phone call to get some professional help.  But that's scary.  That's admitting out-loud that something is wrong.  I've never been perfect, but I think that is what I have to do if I want to not feel like how I felt Saturday night.  And that is a feeling I never want to feel again. 
I've fallen down a lot over the past few years, and I continue to get back up. I've been down for the past couple of months, and it's time I get back up...again.  I know it won't be easy, but if I know anything, I know it isn't meant to be easy.  So here is me getting back up.