1 year of Bennett

My sweet sweet boy turned 1 on April 25th!  It has been such a crazy year, and through it all I'm so grateful to have this boy.  I'm happy to report that we have both survived!
Weight: 21lbs 10 oz (41%)
Height: 30.5 in (93%)
Head: as the doctor stated nobody is going to accuse him of a small head. :)

When I think about the past year I can't help but feel so blessed.  I've had a small village help me raise my two beautiful kids and I'm forever grateful.  I often ask how in the world I go so lucky to be gifted theses two amazing kids.  Helena set the bar high for ease, and I often prayed that my second child would also be "easy", and He definitely delivered.  Bennett is just easy, unless he is super tired he's just a breeze.  He tolerates his big sister and as of right now is a great listener and eater!
He did a great job on our trip to Denver (I still need to write about that!) and loves being outside.  He still refuses to hold his bottle, which I guess I'm ok with because in another few weeks I'll be taking the bottle away from him.  Lately he loves to give kisses and hugs which just melts my heart.  He falls and bumps his head and destroy of all things!  He has ruined so many books!  He plays well by himself but loves attention.
I love him so much!

Bennett at 11 months

My baby boy turned 11 months on Saturday, and I just can't believe it.
He's 20.5 pounds and a big time cruiser.  He crawls and immediately climbs right up to whatever he crawled to and just walks along the furniture.  He has no desire to stand by himself so who knows when his confidence will come along so he can take that first step.
We transitioned him into a convertible carseat a few weeks ago, and he loves to burst out of it when you come to get him.
Lately he loves making raspberries, and grinding his teeth!...ugh how to I get him to stop that?!
His latest phrase is "dad-oh", so cute.
He's definitely all boy as he recently when to Helena's toilet and ate some of the toilet paper that was IN the toilet.  He also found out how to climb up Helena's owl recliner and jump up and down.  So now the chair is in her room so he doesn't climb up it and fall of the back!
His hair has these cute little curls by his ears, and he has an amazing swirl in the back of his head.
He loves to dance and whenever he hears music he starts to move up and down.
He's a great eater, and is eating more and more table food.
He laughs so easily and freely, so it's so much fun to tickle him, or just interacting with him and he'll laugh.
He plays so well independently and loves knocking all of the books off of the bookshelf and "read".
He goes super fast on his walker and maneuvers it really well and gets it to go where he wants it to.
He refuses to hold his bottle.  In that aspect he's super lazy, he'll shake it and play with it.  But he will not put it into his mouth and drink from it.
Lately he'll put his head on the floor while he is crawling and it's so cute.
More and more he plays with Helena and they both love it!
He had his first trip to the ER after a picture feel on his head while I was trying to get a cute St. Patrick's Day picture.  There was so much blood, but thankfully he was completely fine and didn't need stitches.
He's in 12 month clothing and size 3 diapers, and still sleeps great at night...except last night.  Last night I was up with him at 4am, but prior to that I truly can't remember when the last time I was up with him in the middle of the night was.
He's so happy.

Bennett at 10 months

My sweet sweet boy turned 10 months old yesterday.  And he is slowly exiting the baby phase, which makes me so sad.
He had his 9 month well on Wednesday so I have some stats!
Weight 19 pounds 10 ounces (41%)
Height 30 inches (93%)
Head 49 cm (99%, still off the charts)

His weight is slowing down, and it's because he's now mobile and all over the house and trying to keep up with his big sister.  He is super tall.  And thankfully his head size is now curving on the chart rather than going vertical.  His appointment was super easy (no shots!) and the doctor is pleased with his development.  He's super lazy and has no desire to hold his bottle (unless he's playing with it), so that's really the one thing to work on.
His vocabulary is amazing and is very repetitive.  He is cruising all along the furniture, and loves to play in this corner of the living room between the couch and entertainment center where there is a window.  It reminds me of Helena loving to play by the fireplace in our old house.  He loves to play with things that aren't toys.  He has a 5th tooth coming in, it's on the bottom.
He loves any attention from Helena, even if it is her pushing him down or hitting him.  He just loves her and wants her attention.  He loves to pull hair, which neither Helena or I appreciate.
My favorite part of the day is his nap time.  I leave Helena alone in the living room and take Bennett into his room, rock him, feed him his bottle, and put him down.  It's really the only time of day when it is just the two of us.  Like normal Momma struggle when I first sit down and start rocking him I want to him finish his bottle quickly so I can put him down and continue on with my day.  But by the time he is done and I'm holding him on my shoulder rubbing his back, and I rock him just a little bit longer, and wish I could just stay in that moment forever because I know that before too long he will no longer need me to rock him to sleep.
He loves to throw the magnets off of the refrigerator, and musical toys, and taking things from him sister.
He's eating more and more table food.
He's officially in 12 month clothing.  Still in size 3 diapers.  Unless I need to scrub the kids, they now take baths together, but Bennett is still in a laundry basket.
Overall he sleeps really good.  Usually going to bed around 8, and up around 7ish?  But he's great at just entertaining himself in his crib, talking and laughing.
A few weeks ago he went through this phase of refusing to nap which was horrible, but thankfully that was short lived, and he's now taking one long afternoon nap.
He currently has a bad cold, horrible coughing, and constant runny nose.  Actually the whole family is sick, hopefully we'll all get better soon.
At the marriage conference Chris and I went to a few weekend ago, he did awesome in childcare!  I was really nervous, because it was for about a day and a half (Friday evening, Saturday morning and afternoon).
I feel so blessed to have another overall happy and healthy baby.  Now that he is sick he's giving me extra cuddles which I love.
When he is super tired or upset he literally yanks his head backwards and throws a full on fit.
He thankfully get distracted easily, which is nice in the moments when I have to put him down, and he starts crying.  But then he'll go find something to play with and calm himself down.
He knows his name, and will respond when you call it out.  He has started to wave and it's so cute.
I'm so happy to be his Mom!

Bennett at 9 months

I feel so bad for not writing monthly updates on Bennett!  Such is the life of a second child.
This month has been big: we have a full on mobile baby.  He started crawling right before I went to Napa, but would still take a preference to rolling everywhere.  By the time I left for my trip he was a full on crawler.  His strength and speed do not match his balance and coordination, so he needs constant supervision.  His forehead is already covered with bruises, and I'm so scared he's going to open his head up on the coffee table.  He is always pulling himself up to standing and is starting to cruise the furniture, but his confidence isn't there, and for that I'm honestly grateful.  I'm so not ready for him to not be a baby anymore.  He loves so smack his lips, I think this is a comfort for his 2 new top teeth that have also appeared!  We have these amazing conversations with our eyes...he'll blink for a few seconds and I'll blink back at him, and we just go back and forth like this, and he just loves it!  He also shakes his head back and forth as if he is saying No and it's super cute, along with his growing vocabulary.  He's got bababa, mamama, dadada, and other's down.  He loves to spontaneously scream!  He can clap his hands, and he loves to read.  He'll flip through all the pages in a book, and the best trick when I'm trying to change his diaper is to put a book in his hands.  He can still wear some 9 month clothing, but 12 month is best.  He usually sleeps really good, and twice recently he has slept until 9am!  He's in size 3 diapers.  Helena loves to play with him when I stick him in the pack 'n play because I have stuff I need to do around the house.  As of right now he'll laugh and laugh when Helena pushes on him because she's annoyed with him, thankfully he just thinks she's playing with him, hence the laughing.  He already loves playing with things that aren't toys: the remote control, my phone etch...  He loves seeing Dad on facetime, he immediately lights up.  He loves his bath and the water.  He is slowly transitioning from two naps to one, which is mainly by my doing.  On days when we stay home if he takes two naps, his naps are before and after Helena's nap, which gives me zero time, which I really don't like.  So I'm trying on keeping Bennett up so that he naps closer to Helena's nap time so that I get some peace and quite in my day.  This is much easier to do on days when we have a morning outing.  He stayed at the MOPS daycare for the first time a few weeks ago, and dropping him off was super hard, as he instantly started crying.  He is definitely attached to me.  He does this cute thing when I'm feeding him before nap or bed time where he crosses his hands over his bottle.  I think it is a huge comfort thing for him.  I really want to try and snap a picture of it.  He as also started sleeping on his belly, but I think his favorite position is this side.
I'm not too sure how I got to be so blessed to have two happy babies, but I feel honored that this little boy is mine.

Bennett @ 6 and 7 months

Bennett @ 6 months

Bennett @ 6 months ~ October 2016

 I'm totally behind because Bennett's 6month well visit wasn't until he was almost 7 months old.  So I'm behind.
He is such a happy baby!  He has 2 teeth and is sitting up, but not quiet 100% as he still has his tumbles every once in awhile.
He's gross, this must be a boy thing.  I've physically seen Bennett poop twice now, and I've NEVER seen Helena poop (going on the potty doesn't count).  His dirty diapers are so much worst to what I remember Helena's being.
He started a family sickness at the beginning of November.  But thankfully it was short lived, but had me worried since I had never had a baby at that age throw-up.
He's eating and wants to eat our food so bad, but I'm just not comfortable feeding him table food yet.  He loves, like really really loves Helena.  Helena is more so just annoyed by him, but sometimes she'll humor him and give him good attention.
He still isn't a fan of being on his tummy, and usually just rolls over which makes me think crawling is nowhere in sight.  Which is weird because Helena was crawling by the time she was 7 months old.  He loves to play with toys and touch different textures.
He's ticklish.  This just cracks me up.  You tickle his belly and he gives you a full on belly laugh.  It's so amazing.
He loves the water and kicks up a storm while taking a bath.
He usually wakes up super happy which I feel totally blessed by because Helena has the same personality trait.
He's super laid back and doesn't mind coming along to all of Helena's activities.  He sorta takes two naps a day.  He'll take a short one in the morning in-between errands, outings, and activities, then a longer one in the afternoon during Helena's nap.  Then he is usually down for the night between 8:30 and 9 and up in the morning around 7.
I'm pretty sure his blue eyes are going to stick around, which it is just crazy to me knowing I have a blue-eyed baby boy.  He definitely has Chris's coloring and him and Helena look nothing alike.
I love him so and I'm so blessed by this beautiful baby boy.

Bennett @ 7 months

Bennett @ 7 months ~ November 2016

Family Update

 So much to cover! We went to the Alamogordo Fire Station last week to drop off baked goods, say Thank you for your service, and get a tour.  It was a lot of fun.  Helena got a nasty reaction to some mosquito bites on her face (in this picture you can see a red spot on the tip of her nose, the worst of it a few pictures down).
Have I mentioned that Helena is a rock star?!  My daughter has completely potty trained herself!  It started about a month ago now?!  Well let me back up.  We started putting her on the potty around her 2nd birthday (back in May) before her bath just to familiarize herself with it and would always congratulate her for just sitting on it.  Then more recently she would tell Chris in the middle of her bath (Chris does bath time) that she needs to go potty.  So Chris would always get her out and put her on the potty, ...but nothing.  Then about a month ago she went!  We were all excited!  After that she went potty in the middle of her bath almost nightly.  Then one day while I was doing laundry and Bennett was just waking up from his nap; Helena was playing in Bennett room entertaining him while he stayed in his crib and I folded laundry in the bedroom. Helena comes running into the bedroom naked from the waist down exclaiming that she went potty.  I immediately thought Oh Dear!  Where's the mess?!  So I ask Helena to show me where she went potty and she brings me into Bennett's room and she had brought out her Minnie Mouse potty that was put away in Bennett's closet!  ...we got the Minnie Mouse potty a few months ago, but she just played with it so we put it away.  Anyways, she peed in the Minnie Mouse potty!  From that moment on we said good-bye to diapers, and now only use diapers at bedtime (we eliminated the nap time diaper a couple of days ago).  She's amazing at telling us when she needs to go and has even pooped in the potty!, which happened completely unsolicited.  After she peed in the Minnie potty we brought it out into the living room for easy access and one evening she sat on the potty then stood up happily announced "mommy there's rocks in my potty?"  Again I thought Rocks?!  But it was poop!  She struggles the most in the mornings, so if there is an accident it's in the morning (but has never had a poop accident!).  Even driving back to Alamogordo on Tuesday she let us know she needed to go potty (even though she had a diaper on).  She takes advantage of the fact that we drop everything when she announces she needs to go potty, especially when we are out to dinner, and this makes it tough to eat, but she's just a rock star and I'm so proud of her!  Now the Minnie Mouse potty is put back away (who wants to clean that up?!) and we got a little seat for her toilet in her bathroom with ducks on it so she calls it her ducky potty.
In other Helena news, I miss her listening to me.  I swear we repeat ourselves all day long.  She'll ask a question, and I'll give an answer, and she just asks the same question and I give the same answer.  There used to be a time when she would easily eat her dinner and would do what I asked.  But that short phase is over.  She now doesn't want to eat unless you beg and she no longer thinks cleaning up her toys is fun.  She's so independent.
She sometimes wakes up crying and it's so sad because she can't fully communicate what's going on.  She had a super rough time going to bed about 3 weeks ago.  It was brutal.  She wouldn't sleep.  It lasted 3 nights and I'm so happy that it ended just as fast as it started.  But she'll still sometimes wake up crying.  I'll go into her room and hold her and ask her if she's ok.  She'll respond and say I'm ok.  I'll ask her what's wrong or what happened, and she says nothing.  Then I'll ask if she's ready to go back to bed.  And she goes ok, back to bed.  It's always short lived, I just wish she could tell me what's wrong.


 I am currently at the end of the Hair Lose Phase of post pardom (thank goodness), I seriously thought I was going to lose all of my hair.  I was losing hair for probably 6 weeks straight.  I'm thinking about becoming a doula.  During my pregnancy with Bennett I had thought about becoming a ultrasound tech, but now I think a doula might be a better fit.  Since Bennett is most likely our last baby, I've decided I need something to keep me around babies!
I'm so happy that MOPs is back and enjoy going to the meetings every other week, along with all the playdates.  One of the nice things about living her, is everyone has a different story.  Because Alamogordo is a military town everyone is from someplace else, and love hearing where people have come from and where they are going.

 Bennett has a clean bill of health!  We traveled to Albuquerque last week, and Bennett had an MRI on Tuesday (at 6:15am!) and his brain looks completely normal.  He was a rock star during the MRI (he didn't get put under) and the pediatric neurosurgeon repeated herself numerous times in saying Bennett is 100% healthy, and that he just has a big head.  Praise God!!!  Thank you all for your prayers!
He's sorta working on sitting up, and crawls like crazy on is back...he pushes himself all over the place, he really can't be left alone.  I call him a rolly poly because he also rolls and rolls all over the place!  He is still not a fan of tummy time.  He loves his big sister!  He hasn't shown any real interest in food so he hasn't had any food yet, he continues to love his bottle!
He laughs and laughs and is SO ticklish.  You tickle his belly or legs and he just giggles, it's so much fun!  He also loves the water and enjoys his nightly bath!
He's in 9 month clothing and overall sleeps really good.  I'm up with him maybe two or three times a week.



 Chris is currently looking for another job.  Back in August he was notified that the hospital is ending the Aramark (the company he works for) contract 120 early (which is mid-December).  He's working with Aramark recruiters to place him in another job, and they've said they'll continue to keep him on payroll until he does find another job.  So our family life is back up in the air.  I of course haven't handled this news well, in fact I'm scared out of my mind, but I'm working on praying and trusting God, and that He'll place us where we are suppose to be.  But I hate not knowing.  I really really really want to be back in Colorado.

Helena's swollen eye (we went to the doctor and got medicine and it is now almost healed completely)

Tuesday morning after Bennett's MRI

We're coming upon one year in Alamogordo (I have a whole post in mind for that).  I desperately want the weather to cool down...it's been in the 80's all week.

Bennett at 5 months

he enjoys tummy time for about 2 seconds

20 weeks

Isn't he just so cute?!  It's crazy to me how Helena and Bennett look nothing like siblings, but how they are both just so cute!  Bennett has changed so much!  His laugh is crazy, and Helena makes him laugh like no other.  There relationship is so special and it just warms my heart, and I look forward to seeing there relationship grow and blossom as time goes on.

I've thought about this post for some time now.  About how to write it out.  Ideally I wanted to do a separate post on it, but time works against me.  So I'll just start from the beginning.

At the beginning of the month Bennett had his 4 month appointment and the pediatrician was immediately concerned with the fast growth of his head.  The growth was off of the charts.  He had a RN with a neuro background come take a look.  Both thought he was fine because he's meeting all his baby milestones and shows no symptoms of having an overly big head, but they wanted to be safe rather than sorry, and suggested a CT scan.  We thankfully were able to get a CT scan right away.  On the drive home the doctor called me and asked me to pull over.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  He advised that Bennett has fluid both in and on his brain and that we need to plan to be in Albuquerque early next week because he was going to send a referral to a pediatric neurosurgeon.  There was more conversation, but I was numb during most of the conversation.  The next day we got a phone call from the doctors office in ABQ and got an appointment scheduled for the following week.  I immediately started sending out prayers request because I'm so scared.  My mom was amazing and dropped everything to come be with me (Chris was out of town at the end of the week) since I was an emotional wreck.  The next day I had to go pick up the records from his doctors appointment along with a CD of the CT scan.  Looking at the paper work I read that his pediatrician diagnosed him with hydrocephalus.  That's when I Googled "hydrocephalus".  Bad idea.  It was so scary.  I immediately started over-analyzing all of Bennett's actions.  I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more.  I prayed for this to be a nightmare and that I would be told my baby boy is fine.  After a long few days we drove to ABQ and met with the pediatric neurosurgeon.  The doctor said almost immediately that she doesn't think Bennett has hydrocephalus!  She is concerned about the fluid in his brain and the growth of his brain, and we'll be back in ABQ for an MRI on October 11th.  An MRI will give her the clearest picture of his brain, but we hope to rule out anything else.  For now she just wants us to keep an eye on him and make sure he meets all his first year baby milestones.  She seems confident that our relationship with her will be short.  The journey isn't over, but I'm hopeful for a positive outcome.
I immediately put blame on myself for Bennett having this issue.  I thought having a vaginal birth was the "trama" to cause this.  I've been told that's not what caused it, but as a Mom I think you just immediately find a way to put the cause on you.
It's been beyond scary and I know it's cliche to say but hug your healthy kids.  And if you have resources available to you within driving distance be thankful for them!  Having to drive to ABQ is not ideal, yes we have family there and it could be so much worse, but overall it's just inconvenient.
I truly believe in the power of prayer, so please pray for baby Bennett.  That he is healthy and continues to meet his milestones.  

Bennett at 4 months

 I'm a couple of weeks behind on posting Bennett's 4 months stats because his appointment wasn't until last week.  At his sister's 2 year visit back in May the doctor was concerned with her growth and wanted her to come back 4 months later, so we just had back to back appointments for both kiddos.

Here are some highlights from Bennett's last month.
He's 16 pounds 7 oz (62%) and 26 inches (73%).  Last weekend while we were in Carlsbad I was asked if he was 8 months old.  I think he looks bigger than what he actually is.
He's rolling over, but still hates to be on his tummy.  He rolled from back to tummy on 8/23, and rolled from tummy to back on Thursday 9/8.
He loves his big sister, and she makes him laugh like no other.  The other night at dinner she had him cracking it up, and I'm absolutely loving seeing this sibling relationship grow.
Bennett has pretty much put himself on a schedule, much to my surprise.  His nap times and length changes day to day, but he definitely has a morning nap and an afternoon nap.  The morning nap is usually short- around 30 to 45 minutes, and the afternoon one usually a couple of hours.  And thankfully as of right now, the afternoon one is around the same time as Helena's.  It definitely fluctuates, but that is the average.  On a good night he'll sleep from about 8:30pm - 8am.  But lately he's been getting up between 4am and 5am for a bottle, then he's usually up again for the day in the 7 o'clock hour.
Overall he's such a happy baby.  Just like Helena he'll play, talk, and hang out by himself in his crib in the mornings, just waiting for me.  Once he sees me peak over his crib he gets the biggest smile.  Not too sure how I got to be lucky enough to have both my kids be such happy babies, but I feel truly blessed because of it.
The only time he gets really really upset and just cries and cries is when he is tired.  There are times when he just fights sleep like no other.  And it's just gut-wrenching.  There will be days that go by when he doesn't do this, but then there will be back to back to back days where he just screams before nap time or bed time or both.  I'm just thankful it isn't every single time, and I'm thankful that this really is the only time he cries.
He's in 6 month clothes, and size 2 diapers.  He has some horrible dry spots on his legs and he loves his bath.  He is showing no interest in food, so he just on his milk diet.
I love him so much and I'm so incredibly happy to be his mom.

photo courtesy of Blanca's  Photos

I wanted to highlight this picture.  At the beginning of August we drove to El Paso to get some mommy and me pictures that a photographer was doing for free.  I wanted to do this just to have some pictures of my kids and I.  Since I'm usually the one taking the pictures I'm hardly in them.  It was a fun experience.

Bennett at 3 months

Bennett turned 3 months old on Monday!

He's becoming such a fun baby, and laid back.  Laid back mainly because he's a second child.  That's what I think anyways.

He can do raspberries, and is such a drooler!  He soaks the front of his shirt.  He loves to talk, and while we were in Albuquerque his first full on belly laugh came out.  So now we spend lots of time trying to get him to laugh because it is such an amazing and beautiful noise.  He is starting to put himself on a schedule which is so amazing to me, because it seems so early for him to be on any type of "schedule".  For about a week now he's been sleeping from about 9pm to about 6am.  Even better when he does wake up he just wakes up and talks.  I'll hear him playing and talking in his crib.  He doesn't even cry.  Usually if he does cry it's because he is super tired.  He definitely has moments when he fights sleep and that's when his cries are the worst.  Thankfully when I find the right rock position he'll usually easily fall asleep.  He has an amazing smile and his face I feel is changing again.  When he is awake he is constantly moving.  He loves to kick his legs and flare his arms.  If we're holding him he likes to be upright to be looking around.  He does really good in the car and usually if he is upset the movement of the car calms him down.  Helena loves reading to him and tickle his toes and kiss his head.  She'll take his arm when he is laying down and "stretch" him.  He really enjoys laying on the play mat but doesn't really like sitting in the bumpo.  He's in size 3 month clothes although some brands are too tight.  And size 2 diapers.  Overall he's just so much fun.

Earlier this week I had decided to stop pumping.  I'm pumping so little but pumping every 3 hours.  Living my life in 3 hour increments has been exhausting.  And every time I try and get Bennett to latch he just screams.  It's been emotional and hard.  I know he can do it, but I feel too much time has passed for him to relatch.  I feel I'm ending the journey on a high note though, which is giving me closure.  He did latch yesterday, even if just for a few moments.  I tried and stepped out of what I normally do.  I took him into the bed with me, and basically laid over him and he did latch.  It's been a rough few days as I keep going back and forth between still pumping and trying to breastfeed, and stopping.  I desperately wanted that relationship with my son, but I'm thankful for the short journey that we did have.

Bennett at 2 months

Baby Bennett is two months, and had his two month appointment yesterday!
We have a happy and healthy baby!
13 pounds
24 inches

He is a chunk!  His personality is really starting to come out!  He already has a really good vocabulary, and the doctor was super pleased with his vowels and consonants.  He has so many different facial expressions and I just love his smile and coos.  Our conversations are so much fun.  I love it when he responds!  He is still in the bassinet (he's been in 2 weeks longer than Helena was) and in the mornings when I pump he'll just look over at me and smile and smile.  I love it, and makes the pumping worth while since I hate it so much.  He's sleeping from about 10pm to 5am, sometimes 6.  He fights sleep like no other.  He'll scream and cry before giving in. But there are also times when he'll just go down in the bassinet be wide awake and I'll just turn off the light and go to bed, and he'll eventually fall asleep.  He's a great self soother and for that I'm grateful.  However I miss holding a sleeping baby and just holding a baby period.  That's one of the extremely hard things about having Helena.  I don't get to really spoil Bennett. At least, that's how I feel.  So he spends lots of time in the swing.  Him and Helena look nothing alike.  I look at pictures of Helena when she was two months old, and they don't look like siblings.  I'm super curious to see how he changes because he has already changed so much.
Breastfeeding is anything but.  It's super hard on me because this was one of my big motivations for going for the VBAC, was to have my milk come in and to have a full supply so I could breastfeed without the same struggles that I did with Helena.  Bennett won't even breastfeed.  It's really hard to not be emotional about it, because I want him to.  I want to have that experience.  He will latch with a nipple shield but it is short lived, and it is only when I feed him some bottle first.  If I try to offer me first, he starts to cry and fuss even when I try to get him into position to feed.  It's heartbreaking because I want it so bad.  And pumping, the pumping.  I'm pumping about 5 or 6 times a day and usually only get about 2 ounces total after pumping for 20/25 minutes.  So on average he gets about 10 ounces of my breast milk a day.  My goal right now is 16 weeks, just because that's how long my leave was with Helena was when I was working.  I would be more motivated to keep pumping if I was pumping more, but to spend that type of time away from Helena, Bennett, and housework for so little is draining and just not worth it.  I'll continue to try to get him to latch and pray and hope that he'll come around and give me the breastfeeding relationship I dream up, but in my gut I know it's over.  I feel so sad about it because I don't even remember the last time he latched.  Because I didn't know it would be the last time.  I still remember the last time I breastfed Helena and it was such a good moment because I knew it would be the last so I was able to memorize it.
Overall Bennett is a really good baby.  When he wakes up in the middle of the night he's super quiet which is part of the reason he is still in the bassinet, because I'm fearful I won't hear him on the monitor with him in his room in the crib.  But he is really getting too big for it, so I feel he'll be in his crib by the end of the week.
He eats a lot and will sometimes he 6 ounces at once.  He's still in size 1 diapers, just because I don't want to waste any, and size 3 month clothing.  Although some are getting snug.  I think he might be a blue-eyed boy.  Helena had blue/gray eyes, but his have no gray, which makes me think they could stay blue.  It's definitely weird having a baby that looks nothing like me.  He's definitely a mini-Chris.  He's a lot of fun and he gets so much love, especially from Helena.  I'm extremely blessed to be him mom.

Bennett: One month!

Little dude turned a month old yesterday.
Seriously why do the last 30 days of pregnancy go by so slow, but the first 30 days of a newborn life go by so fast?!  Time is evil.
We have a happy and healthy baby boy on our hands!

Height: 22 inches (75%)
Weight: 10 lbs 6 oz (75%)
Head: 40cm (98%)

As his doctor stated, he just has a big head.
This month was crazy.  I've been beyond emotional and have zero patience for Helena.  This week seems to be going ok though, which makes me think that I'm not going crazy.  I've seriously thought I have PPD numerous times, but I feel it is difficult to distinguish the difference between PPD and just being emotional and upset because of the lack of sleep, the crazy things your hormones do post baby, and just life adjusting in general.  How do you know the difference?  I guess for me, I just feel like I'm struggling a hell of a lot more than what I remember with Helena, but that's obviously a big difference this time, is I'm not just caring for a newborn, I have a toddler too.  So in regards to me, I'm a work in progress.  It seems like most days I'm just in a sad blur, but then I have days like I've had this week where I feel like I'm ok.

I've had a lot of help. In fact I have yet to be home a full week with both kids.  The first and second week my mom was here.  The third week my in-laws were here.  The fourth week my mom was here again (because Chris was out of town - to Denver!).  And this week my sister-in-law has been here.  I'm extremely lucky that I've had the help that I've had!  I truly appreciate it.

Bennett is extremely handsy.  Even the nurses, right after he was born nicknamed him "hands" because he is constantly moving his hands.

He has a bad case of baby acne, that he got just after turning one week old.  It's clearing up some and some days are worse than others.

He has two birth marks on the back of his head.

Like with Helena a big struggle with Bennett is breastfeeding.  He latched on in the hospital, and was breastfeeding great that first week, but he was gaining any weight, but rather losing weight day after day.  So the doctor suggested we supplement and sent us home with formula.  We supplemented and did the SNS system, but it was a struggle, and honestly just a pain.  Having him scream and cry trying to eat for 10+ minutes was extremely difficult, that I finally "gave in" and gave him a bottle.  I have tremendous mommy guilt over this, because now he won't latch.  He just won't.  After his 2 week appointment when I heard how much weight he had gained and I knew he was getting stronger I thought breastfeeding would be easy.  But he just won't latch.  He literally screams and cries and screams some more while I'm tried to feed him, that I usually end up crying with him.  So then I "gave in" again and just this week got a nipple shield.  He won't take that either.  I'm struggling so bad because it wasn't like this with Helena.  She would at least latch and feed.  Not Bennett.  Even when I go to lay him to have him latch he gets upset.  I seriously thought the nipple shield would do the trick, but no.  So now i'm pumping and pumping and pumping.  And my supply is low.  He usually gets about two 4 ounce bottles from me a day.  I know that Bennett is the one who can bring it up the most, so we are still trying.  But I hate it.  I hate every single aspect.  There is of course the pumping.  Horrible, painful, and boring. The bottles.  Cleaning the bottles.  The formula.  It isn't cheap.  None of this was part of the plan.  I'm just so frustrated because I WANT to breastfeed, and I know that he CAN breastfeed.  He just won't.

Bennett is extremely observant.  In the swing he'll look up at the turning cows, and the lights.  Helena never even noticed something was above her head!  We already have a little bit of a routine down.  He loves his mornings, and is super alert and awake from about 7am - noon.  He loves his bath, and loves the water.  He hates getting out of the bath!  He gave us the longest stretch of sleep last night, and slept from 10pm to 4:30am!  It was so nice.  He is usually up anytime between 1am and 3am, then again anytime between 5:30am and 7am.  Sometimes he'll go right back down in the middle of the night, sometimes he is awake and wants to be held.  A few nights ago I was up with him from 3am to 4:30am.  Helena loves him and wants to play with him so badly.  When I lay him on the floor she goes over to him and wants to lay with him.  She'll show him her toys and I can tell she wishes he would interact with her.  He's going bald on top of his head.  His hair is literally falling out, it's weird.  Overall the month has been crazy.  Some good times and some sad times.  I feel like I can cry and/or go crazy at any given moment.  I'm still healing, although going to the bathroom isn't as painful as it once was, but  I still can't go pee like normal.

He's in size 0-3 month clothing and graduated to size one diapers at two weeks old.

I'm truly enjoying getting to know Bennett and seeing how different he is to his big sister.  He's a joy and I love him.

Two Weeks

taken 5/1/16

My baby boy is 15 days old.  I'm trying to stay in the moment as much as possible as I know this is most likely my last baby.  I'm now fully aware of how quickly time passes, and how his newbornness will be so incredibly short lived, but then at the same time wanting to sleep through the night and have a routine.  It's a mental struggle and time is such a blur that I want to remember these moments because I know how short lived they are.
Bennett for now is proving to be more high maintenance than his big sister.  Although I'm trying to tell myself that he is indeed only 2 weeks old and that things can change so so quickly.  When we got discharged from the hospital his jaundice levels were near the borderline of being able to be discharged or not.  But they were technically under, so we went home, and were advised to make an appointment with the pediatrician sooner rather than later.  So I made an appointment for the next day.  On Wednesday 4/27/16 we saw the doctor and he immediately told us he has jaundice and to go get his levels checked again.  He also lost more weight.  So we went to the lab for them to collect some blood and it was horrible.  They poked his right arm and were basically fishing for a vain with the needle inside of this arm!  That was unsuccessful.  Then they did a heal prick and were collecting blood that way.  By this time I left the room, which was a good thing because I found out after the fact that the nurse collecting the blood dropped the vial and the blood went everywhere, so they had to start over.  By this time another, more experienced nurse came over and collected the blood from a vain in this right arm!  The doctor gave a prescription for a blue-light blanket to help with his jaundice and we started that right away.  Thursday we were back at the doctor with another weight lose and his jaundice levels only slightly up (which was surprisingly good), along with another visit to the lab for more blood...thankfully we got the more experienced nurse right away, and got his test with just one poke.  Friday was another doctors appointment with his jaundice levels now decreasing (!!!!!!) but his weight also decreasing.  At this point he was down to 7lb 2oz (he was born at 8lb 5oz).  So we were sent home being told to supplement to try to get him gaining weight.  This was heartbreaking for me.  At that point breastfeeding Bennett was a struggle but we were working on it.  He was latching but wouldn't really stay latched (specifically on my right side).  We were so much further along compared to what my breastfeeding journey was with Helena when Helena was not even a week old.  I felt like I was going to get the breastfeeding experience I wanted, and being told to supplement almost broke me.  So the doctor sent us home with formula and a SNS to use, and a follow up appointment for Monday (thankfully no lab work was needed).  The trouble of using the SNS system and both of our frustrations from getting Bennett to latch with the SNS system was extremely trying.  I can't remember which day, but I eventually caved and had Chris make Bennett a bottle, and we got out the pump.  I cried and cried.  I didn't want my baby to have a bottle, and damn it, I didn't want to pump.  But that is what happened.  It seems all worth it as last Monday he weighted in at 7lbs 8oz!!!  At that appointment we were given the "all clear" of having a happy and 100% healthy baby boy!  Over the last week breastfeeding as still been our biggest struggle.  Like Helena did when she was given a bottle, Bennett is now a lazy sucker.  But today (for the first time) he has gotten more of me, and is latching much much much better!  At yesterdays 2 week appointment he was 8lb 12oz!!!  Officially over his birth weight and getting stronger!
It's so easy to have this tunnel vision with a newborn, to be so focused and upset about every little thing.  Thankfully things change so quickly with a newborn that a worry from today could easily be forgotten about by tomorrow and replaced with something else.  I'm constantly trying to remind myself about that.  That one day all of these worries will be gone and new worries will be in their place.  That's what I'm really hoping about my thoughts on Bennett being "high maintenance".  I'm hoping that before too long he'll transition into this laid back easy go-lucky baby.  For now I enjoy staring at him and enjoying my newborn regardless of his demeanor.

Bennett Martin

Please welcome Bennett Martin!
Born Monday April 25, 2016
Weight: 8 pounds 5 ounces
Height: 20 inches


Here is Bennett's birth story:
I feel that his birth story should start off with the birth of his sister.  Helena was born via scheduled c-section at 39 weeks in fear of big baby.  At her 36 week growth ultrasound the tech advised she was already 9 pounds, and with 3 weeks still to "cook" we were looking at a 10 pound baby.  At that moment I wish I had gone with my gut in knowing that this baby would not be 10 pounds.  Even though I am a bigger person I am small boned...I have small wrists and fingers, and Chris is small boned too.  My gestational diabetes was insulin controlled and I just knew this baby wouldn't be 10 pounds.  But I chose to believe my doctor and the ultrasound tech when they said the c-section would be best, even though my doctor knew I desperately wanted a vaginal birth.  As a first time mom you just believe what you are told.  Now I know that the further along you are the less accurate those growth scans are and now know that at the very least I should have been given the option to at least go into labor. At the time I prayed and prayed I would go into labor, but that didn't happen and the scheduled c-section went as scheduled.  Helena was born weighing 7 pounds 15 ounces.  Nowhere close to her 10 pound prediction and I was extremely disappointed, as was my doctor.  But it was too late.
Jump forward two years and I'm pregnant again.  The beginning of my pregnancy with Bennett was in Denver where I went to go see the doctor who delivered Helena.  I advised her I wanted to do a VBAC and her response was supportive but then advised she herself wouldn't do a VBAC (she's had two c-sections herself).  In my gut I knew I would need to find a more VBAC friendly provider but put it off.  Then we found out we were moving.  To a small town with no big hospital or resources.  I took my prenatal care to a doctor here in Alamogordo starting at 14 weeks to 32 weeks.  They were VBAC friendly, but would not induce.  So I either had to go into labor on my own or I would have another c-section. In my gut I had a feeling that this doctor was just telling me what I wanted to hear and in the end would end up with another c-section.  Plus the hospital in Alamogordo didn't have the care available and had a nasty VBAC consent form, plus no NICU, so if something were to happen to baby, baby would immediately be airlifted to El Paso.  I just didn't want to do that.
After meeting lots of mom's and almost immediately after meeting asking them "where did you have your baby?" I was referred to Dr. Reddy at Mountain View hospital in Las Cruces (an hour away).  I saw Dr. Reddy for the first time at 33 weeks and was immediately more confident in his approach to VBACs.  He advised I had a 70% of having one and that the number would dramatically increase or decrease depending on if I went into labor on my own.  I was so much more comfortable with him and felt that he was really going to give me a shot at this whole VBAC thing.  I of course, hated the drive and the feeling of the unknown, but knew this was where I was suppose to be.
Deciding to do a VBAC in and of itself is scary.  Chris and I prayed a lot.  It's so easy to just schedule another c-section.  With that scenario I knew what to expect.  There was no guess work.  Plus I kept telling myself, What if I do this and just end up with another c-section anyways?  It was an extremely emotional decision to make, and honestly one I doubted until they brought the doctor into the room to deliver my baby (more on that later).
I had one last growth ultrasound in my 39th week and the ultrasound tech said he was 9 pounds.  I took that information with a grain of salt and went with my gut that I should have with Helena, that this baby wouldn't be "big".
The Tuesday before my due date (4/19) I thought I was in labor.  That morning I thought my water broke, and was having contractions all day.  Chris called my mom at 5am to have her come down (she was scheduled to come down the next day).  Chris went to work and my mom arrived by 8:30am.  Chris was home by noon, I did a lot of bouncing and rolling on my exercise ball, went for a long walk, but nothing ever became regular about my contractions.  I had advised my doctor that I thought my water broke, so by that evening he said I needed to come get checked out.  So we made the hour drive to Las Cruces said good night to Helena (that was SO hard).  I got checked at triage just to find out my water was still intact and that my cervix was still closed and post-terrier.  I was devastated.  I immediately started doubting my body and what in the world labor was.  Every woman says "Oh you'll know what a contraction feels like."  So every time I thought I was having a contraction, but didn't know that it was indeed a contraction, I dismissed it and told myself it wasn't a contraction.  I was playing mind games with myself and I hated it.  At that time I already had my induction set for the evening of my due date.  So we were discharged from the hospital and drove the hour home.  The rest of the week was normal.  I continued to do things that I had hoped would put me into labor but nothing.  So we made the drive again to Las Cruces Sunday (4/24) night.  Upon arrival I was checked and still nothing.  My cervix was shut.  I spoke to Dr. Reddy and he advised that at 40 weeks pregnant and to not even be at a 1 my chances of a VBAC were decreasing.  As the nurse said: My cervix was unfavorable for a vaginal delivery.  At that point I called my doula.  I asked her if she had ever seen someone with an "unfavorable" cervix go forward and have a successful VBAC.  She said no.  At this time I was not hopeful.  I was given three options: go forward with the induction (all they could give me was pitocin), get a c-section, or go home and come back in another 3 or 4 days.  I immediately ruled out the last option.  I was ready to have this baby and didn't want to drive back home and have yet another good-bye with Helena.  Plus emotionally I didn't want to deal with all of that.  So in my mind it was either be induced or have a c-section.  Chris and I prayed about it and decided we would do the induction and if I hadn't progressed by morning then a c-section it would be.  At this point I was already mentally preparing for a c-section.  By 9:30pm the pitocin drip was up and running.  Mild contractions started immediately along with the shakes.  Oh the shakes, the horrible horrible shakes.  I got checked at midnight and was at a 1 (or maybe a 2 I don't remember).  The cervical check was horrible and incredibly painful.  The nurse advised that if I couldn't handle the cervical check I wouldn't be able to handle the foley bulb (now an option to get me dilated more, now that I was officially progressing).  She suggested an epidural.  My first thought was I must be a chicken to be getting an epidural so early in the laboring process!  Also knowing it was so early in the process I knew getting an epidural would mean I would be stuck in bed.  Then the nurse told me that if I did get an epidural it would help me sleep.  That sold me.  So I got an epidural.  Dr. Reddy came in and put in the foley bulb, and just as he was walking away I told the nurse, "Something just fell out".  The foley bulb fell out immediately.  So she called back in the doctor and they discussed putting in a bigger one, which I guess is something they don't keep on hand because they are rarely used, but then eventually found a bigger one, and put that one in.  That got me to a 4 or a 5?  And Chris and I were able to sleep some.  I got checked again at 8am and was at a 6 I think?  At 9am they broke my water (I had meconium) and I called my doula and she arrived by 10am.  At this point I was in disbelief that this was really happening.  That I was really dilating, that I was really in labor, that I was really progressing.  Everything was pointing to a vaginal birth, not a c-section.  I honestly couldn't believe it.  The whole morning I had my eyes closed.  I think that was my zen.  I wanted the room silent.  Whenever one of our phones would get a notification it just bugged me.  So I had Chris turn our phones off.  I just kept my eyes closed and breathed.  I thought about having some music on, I had specifically thought about Mercy Me, but I never got around to asking.  I got sick at some point in time which was horrible.  And I kept telling everyone I had to poop...because of the epidural they also put in a catheter.  Carrie (my doula) kept telling me that was the baby descending.  They let me know the baby was already at a + 1 station and that meant less pushing for me once that time came.  I felt so much relief knowing my body was responding to being induced!  When I got checked at 1pm I was complete!  I can't tell you how it felt to know I had progressed all the way to a 10!  I remember the doctor telling the nurse to come get him when I was two minutes out.  I had the go ahead to start pushing which I wanted to do right away!  It took a few contractions for me to get the feeling of pushing correctly and my doula had advised that first time vaginal deliveries the woman pushes for 2 to 3 hours.  I immediately told myself no way am I pushing for that long.  Even though I was thrilled to be progressing throughout my whole labor I doubted myself.  I tried to back out probably more times than I care to admit.  Both Carrie and Chris had to remind me constantly why I was doing this.  I wanted to give up many times.  Once I got the right sensation of the pushing things were definitely a "go".  I had the nurse in between my legs, Carrie holding one leg, Chris the other.  I was so hot that I had wet cloths on my forehead and behind my neck.  Between contractions they would be fanning me.  I knew that things would get serious once the doctor was called.  I of course had to sense of time but I knew it had to be close.  Then finally the moment I was waiting for: the nurse called the doctor and they brought in the table with the vacuum and forceps etc...and everyone was telling me "It's real.  The doctor is on his way."  It really wasn't until this moment that I truly believed I would be having this baby vaginally.  I think I had 3 or 4 contractions with the doctor and I remember him looking at me telling me you're going to have this baby.  I had no desire to touch his head or to watch with a mirror, but I could see the reflection of everything going on from the TV in the room.  I rarely opened my eyes, but when I did I couldn't help but look, and in that moment of him coming out that moment of pure ecstasy I saw my baby leave my body and be put on my chest.  It was so euphoric.  Honestly the feeling of him coming out didn't really hurt all that bad.  It was like this pressure gone.  I pushed for a little less than an hour and baby was born at 1:54pm.  He was placed on my chest but only for a few moments as they had to take him to check on the meconium, but he was right next to me and I got to see him the whole time.  I immediately started crying.  I couldn't believe it!  I got my VBAC!!!  While baby was getting checked the doctor kept working and I asked a few times if things were ok.  He said they were.  I got a 2nd degree tear inside.  Which I've been told is better than an external tear, and that internal tears heal easier and quicker.  Before too long my baby was back on my chest and we did an hour of skin on skin and he latched for the first time.  Then Chris got to hold him and named him Bennett Martin.  It was such an amazing moment.  Then baby got cleaned up, my doula left, and we were now a family of four.
Today honestly has been a turning point in my recovery, because just two nights ago I was questioning if this was all worth it.  All I can say is that I'm in pain...down there.  It is horrible.  I can't go to the bathroom like normal and as the day progresses it gets worse.  But today, today isn't as bad.  I'm 9 days postpartum and my stitches will be gone by Monday (2 weeks) and hopefully everything will be back to normal.  I know that a 2 week recovery is much better than a 8 week recovery.
I still can't believe it.  It feels extremely empowering to do something you say you are going to do.  And I honestly feel like this is the first thing in a long time where I actually did what I said I was going to do.  Bennett came out beautiful and the nurse even said my cervix was meant to birth a baby.  How crazy is it to go from a "unfavorable" cervix to a cervix that's meant to birth a baby?!  The doctor immediately told me I could do it again if I wanted to.  Now knowing what I know I feel so robbed of my birth of Helena.  And even the doctor said at the very least I should have been given the opportunity to labor with my first pregnancy regardless of size.  I obviously can't change the past, but I feel amazing that I was able to have my second baby vaginally.  We were able to go home the next day and Helena is a great big sister.

checking into the hospital to be induced at exactly 40 weeks